Drspell12 Posted May 10, 2014 Posted May 10, 2014 Hello Loveshack. I finally wanted to write on here for real. I have been feeling completely down and low lately ad I want to put this out of my chest. Before I got judged (if you tell me harsh stuff i will take it) i want to confess i really feel guilty and stupid over this, but I also have an ego thing influencing me. I had a relationship with the most amazing person I've ever met, but it lasted only for a year and a half. I met her at a coffee shop, she was reading a book (turns out it was my favorite book). I know it will sound cheesy, but as soon as I saw her I felt and immediate attraction for her, like never before. She was pretty, intelligent, caring, and we shared a lot of common interests. It was pretty easy to communicate with her, you know, it was like when they say "I feel like I've known you before". I had the luck to get to be with her. This girl taught me a lot about myself and people, I never felt anything like this for anyone. I really notice the difference between lust, chemistry and love, and with her, well, she had it all. Everything I ever wanted on a woman. We were really compatible, but I always (since I met her) had the feeling of that she was brilliant and I was a little stupid somehow. The thing is, I still had some unresolved feelings for my past. My ex cheated on me while being on a trip on Canada. She slept with one of her "friends" who she actually presented to me on a party 5 months before that. She told me she was drunk when this incident happened, but I sent her straight to hell. I did it pretty much because she wasn't the one to tell me first. I discovered her cheating because a good friend warned me. Well. My new girl... She always knew all of this. So I had this pretty toxic relationship before her. I still felt kind of unworthy after my other ex, even tough I didn't loved her anymore or had any type of attachment to her. I confessed this to her (my new gf) and even when she understood, she eventually and progressively started having doubts about me. My ex kept on looking for me, calling to my home and trying to contact me trough mutual friends. I tried to explain to her that I wanted her to leave me alone, but I guess that it would have been better if I just ignored her. My girl knew all of this because I never kept anything from her. She kinda got mad at me for making it look like I hated my ex. She just wanted me to be indifferent. Also, she was fearful of that due to the nature of my ex (cheater) I would do something stupid if she kept insisting so much on contacting me. She started putting distance between us, acting insecure, etc. I must confess I wasn't patient at all on any of our problems, and they weren't big at all. She was really a good girl all the time, maybe a little selfish sometimes, but that was all. Time passed by, our relationship was going down... Everything changed a lot, until one day when she told me it was over. I knew it wasn't for someone else because she hasn't had any boyfriends after this. That day I asked her not to leave it like that, but she insisted, she looked nervous but sure of her decision, and I don't really like to beg... so I got mad and exploded, almost literally. I accused her of being ridiculously insecure and she then just disappeared... from my life. For weeks I blamed her for all, and convinced myself she never cared about my opinion at all. So OK. This is where I guess people on here will tell me I was at fault, even when it happened after the split. My ex kept on looking for me, I don't know how, but she knew I was single. I had no-strings sex with her for a few weeks, and then she suggested to get back together, but I didn't wanted to. She eventually got a new boyfriend and our "affair" came to an end, but she still left the communication door open, by sometimes messaging trough email. I will never respond, because I wasn't interested. 3 months passed by and I ran into my ex (the girl i love) at Walmart one day. She agreed onto talking with me. I apologized for have been so rnasty to her when she left, but I confessed that I felt very unwanted by the only person (her) I ever loved like that. She also apologized that I felt she never cared, and we both cried. I was dying to give her a hug and to kiss her. Yet she didnt wanted to. Yeah, I told her that I wanted to kiss and hug her and never let her go, but she just told me I was looking very different now, in the terms that somehow she knew that I lost my job after she left and more stuff (except for the thing with my ex). She told me that it was silly I never realized my mistakes during our time together and that now I desperately wanted her back, she got straight to her point and told me I was now needy of her and telling her good stuff but that I never treated her fine when I had the opportunity. I explained to her that it was true that a lot of bad stuff happened after she left because I permitted it (but I didn't told her anything about me sleeping with the ex) and that she didn't deserved to feel trapped with someone whom she feels doesn't loves her as she deserves. And that I didn't wanted to feel so judged by her all the time. I told her she deserved way better tha someone like me, and by all means I meant it. I feel like I will only set her back and that me, I will be resentful if she feels insecure about my past. She got mad and left by only saying "thanks" back. But three days after this she called me and told me that she felt like I never loved her and that she wasted a lot of time in "us", and that she never wanted to hear from me or even see me again. I still love her and think she is amazing, but to me it's a little like she will never be able to see that, I have been feeling really depressed and I know its my fault, but I don't want to feel so judged all the time, am I at fault for this? Any insight or opinion into this whole mess... i will appreciate it a lot.
todreaminblue Posted May 10, 2014 Posted May 10, 2014 I feel for you I dotn think you can put the blame on one person for the relationships demise.......i hate endings too, or goodbyes cant stand them i get so upset thinking i coudl have doen this for them or i should have done that and i didnt see them on this day or i should have let this go and i should have said this instead of this...... so i beat myself up for a long time.....about the time it takes me to heal and recognise ....i am nto to blame for everything and everyone who has problems in my life.....and they are not to blame for any problems i have...... in this way i am friends with any guy i have ever been with after it ends.....i dotn hodl grudges or blame...its useless pointless stuff......i only lay blame when i am hurting and rest assured its normally on me no matter what i say deep down, i blame myself let it go and do some healing which you didnt do before you got with the girl you love...who knows maybe you might end up together stronger than before and you may not end up with her at all but trust me, you will be stronger take what you have learned that was good and bad into your next relationship.... learn from the bad and appreciate the good.........but be at peace with you this is really important......and you will find the woman who is right for you and you will be right for her.........i wish you well with finding peace for you....deb 1
Author Drspell12 Posted May 11, 2014 Author Posted May 11, 2014 I feel for you I dotn think you can put the blame on one person for the relationships demise.......i hate endings too, or goodbyes cant stand them i get so upset thinking i coudl have doen this for them or i should have done that and i didnt see them on this day or i should have let this go and i should have said this instead of this...... so i beat myself up for a long time.....about the time it takes me to heal and recognise ....i am nto to blame for everything and everyone who has problems in my life.....and they are not to blame for any problems i have...... in this way i am friends with any guy i have ever been with after it ends.....i dotn hodl grudges or blame...its useless pointless stuff......i only lay blame when i am hurting and rest assured its normally on me no matter what i say deep down, i blame myself let it go and do some healing which you didnt do before you got with the girl you love...who knows maybe you might end up together stronger than before and you may not end up with her at all but trust me, you will be stronger take what you have learned that was good and bad into your next relationship.... learn from the bad and appreciate the good.........but be at peace with you this is really important......and you will find the woman who is right for you and you will be right for her.........i wish you well with finding peace for you....deb I do not usually think that every one of my relationship fails were all my fault, this particular scenario seems different. For example...i have been cheated on and by no means i blamed myself at all, but now i think it was indeed and mostly my fault. Of course she had her things but she is the best girl I've ever found. She didn't wanted to be friends and told me it was best to wait and see if we really need to be on each others lifes. I agreed... she wants to get to know more people and move on and having me present would only delay her recovery, and mine also ....thank you.
todreaminblue Posted May 11, 2014 Posted May 11, 2014 (edited) the last line i wrote you was the most important line i could have written to you...you need to find peace with you, you arent at peace .....and i feel for you ...you have to leave it up to god or whatever or whoever you believe in outside of you, because, if you continue to carry around what if or could be or if only a whole suitcase full....your heart is going to be in your shoes ......and theres no hope down there on the ground...if you want to keep hope alive either to continue some form of relationship with this woman or even to just move on and have the strength to deal with disappointment you need hope to carry you through./......when you are hurt hope gets kicked out .....so you have to get it back......so look up and not at your feet for a while give her some distance and realize there a design made by a higher power and if it is meant to be, it does and can happen...says me.......smilin.......we all struggle.......you have to keep smilin too.....eventually those smiles you give ,you will feel them in your heart as warmth...trust me..... and you know what else........thankyou for thanking me....i appreciate the words, two words often taken and not appreciated ...well i do appreciate them.....they do make a difference.....so thank you....heres cheers to hope and thankyous...:bunny::bunny: bunnies for you....deb Edited May 11, 2014 by todreaminblue
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