How do you stop beating yourself up over breakup that was your fault?

[Swan89]

My girlfriend recently broke up with me after our 5 month relationship fell apart.

We'd had the hots for each other for a while before we met. Everything started out great and we were in love but problems started occurring not too long after.

 

I'm a warm, passionate and goofy kind of guy who wears his heart on his sleeve, although I can be insecure, dramatic and emotionally immature.

She is a sweet girl with a laid back, logical approach to life, but she is quite a cold, blunt, misanthropic person. Unfortunately, she was sexually abused and raped as a young teenager and I think this is what has caused her negative outlook.

Often times, I felt like she didn't understand me and I felt inferior to her because she was rigid, sensible, and had an independent personality. I didn't always feel completely comfortable around her.

 

Things started going wrong when I wouldn't understand her or vice versa, and I would start to get annoyed over small things. I would feel insecure and take things out on her while she never really did anything wrong. There were significant communication problems because I like to over-analyse things and talk things in detail and she likes to just get on with it.

 

About a month ago, I became ill and was very agitated. She was in a mood with me because I got annoyed about a difference of opinion over a phone conversation we had the previous day. So I was in a mood too, and I decided to push her away and ignore her. The next day I was also argumentative but later that night, I took flowers to her to apologise for my behaviour, which she seemed to appreciate. This is when the downward spiral began.

 

She was hurt, said she wasn't 'in love' with me anymore and asked for space and we went from spending 4 days a week together to just twice a week for a few hours and the sex stopped. I was panicking and was asking her a lot of questions for reassurance, so she felt even more pestered. After this, she wasn't sure if she wanted to be with me and this distance went on for two weeks.

When I tried to fix things she was appreciative of my efforts and she wanted things to work out. In the final week, we were still seeing each other at a bare minimum and there was a lot of tension between us. Whenever I saw her I was awkward because she was giving me no affection at all. On our final date, I did try my best to give her affection, I took her for a meal and although there were awkward silences at the beginning of the date, I thought it ended pretty well, we made conversation and I gave her cuddles. I thought we were on the mend.

 

Over this final week, I saw a bitchy, arrogant and cold hearted side to her. She seemed to think that I had to do all the work, give all the affection and had to act like everything was 'normal', but I struggled to do that because of how distant and uninterested she was acting, anyone else would struggle with it too, surely?

 

A few days later, we bumped into each other at work ( we worked near each other but not for the same company) She gave me a stare and didn't initiate conversation, but I did. When I texted her later and told her I loved her, she didn't reply and I later asked her about her day, to which she replied she wanted to come to my house for a chat. I rang her and got really upset and I said let's just break up now on the phone. She came over to collect her belongings, seemingly happy and care free. She asked for a hug goodbye that was the end of that. First of all she said that it was because I couldn't act normal around her and that I couldn't hold a conversation with her. Then she just listed a load of things I did or said during the entire relationship and that she doesn't have to put up with it. But honestly, I had stopped giving her drama and I just felt like she all of a sudden hated me.

 

Although I am really disappointed, I'm not as sad as I thought I'd be because the struggle is over now. I just wish I could've been less childish and insecure and maybe she'd still be mine and we could've made our relationship stronger. She was hands down, the most beautiful girl I had ever seen in my life and I'm scared I'll never find another love with the same level of sexual attraction.

 

So I'm beating myself up for my stupid mistakes, I seriously thought that we could have gotten past it together but I was wrong. How can I forgive myself?

Edited May 10, 2014 by Swan89

[Elle1975]

I always say "live and learn". Too often we forget about the learning part of this saying, and just keep on living.

 

That's how. You learn from your mistakes and take the necessary steps to fix them. Once you are in the process of fixing them, are making progress, you will forgive yourself.

 

I also would like to point out that this break up can't be ALL on your shoulders. Take it easy on yourself a little bit.

 

But yes, that's my view on things. I forgive myself when I take steps to correct my bad behavior, my bad habits (like smoking..).

[CaliGypsy]

Stop beating yourself up. Truly, think about the relationship and any negative behaviors you feel contributed to the breakup,you work on changing.

 

You can't change what already was, only what will be.