treezy Posted May 10, 2014 Posted May 10, 2014 (edited) I'm not sure if this is the right place to post this but I'm in a dilemma. I came out of a relationship more than a year ago and have recently met someone new. We went out on a few dates to date and unfortunately, I am unable to feel the spark or chemistry I shared with my ex before. This new guy treats me like a queen. He sends me sweet texts, talks to me, takes me to nice places, pays for our dates, puts up with my quirks but I DO NOT feel in love with this new guy. I felt more in love going to public parks with free admission and eating cheap takeouts with my ex than going to expensive restaurants with this new guy. I felt more in love just laying there with my ex and not talking at all than to talk nonstop with this guy. I'm at an utter loss. I'm not sure if I should try to make things work or just let this guy go. I come back from our dates crying sometimes because I feel sorry and terrible that I have no feelings for him. Especially seeing him full of high hopes for our future. Can feelings be nurtured? Will I eventually grow to love this new guy over time? Should I continue trying by going on more dates or should I end this here? Please advise and thank you all for reading my long rant. Edited May 10, 2014 by treezy formatting
Potz4prez Posted May 10, 2014 Posted May 10, 2014 Oh, don't lead him on. It sounds like you're not ready for a relationship (at least with him). If I knew a girl went home and cried after going on a date with me, I'd feel terrible. Dating is supposed to be enjoyable, no?
LustAppeal Posted May 10, 2014 Posted May 10, 2014 The spark will come back, but in your case it seems you're not interested in him on a deeper level. It could be that you're not over your ex yet. Trick is not to compare anyone to an ex or another relationship. If you find yourself comparing unintentional, you're looking for someone like your ex. Don't get "comparing" and "values" mixed up though! It's also easy to think we're comparing people two our ex when we find attributes within them that remind you of that person. Here's what I recommend: Make a list of all your self values, passions, attributes/characteristics, and so on, this may be easier for you as many don't truly know what they want in a relationship until they've had at least one serious one. From there match what values and passions you'd love to share with your partner. Than when you meet someone new match off your characteristics and so on. For example: (Just an example, doesn't apply to you) You cherish being independent with a great sense of pride towards it. Maybe dating someone who feels the need to pay for everything, pick you up, and buy you gifts; just makes you feel dependent and it's uncomfortable. <--That'd be an incompatibility or red flag depending. Note: Being compatible does not always mean being the same. It's a match game! Being compatible does not water proof the relationship, it's like entering a draw... The more compatibility tickets you put in the better your chances of a successful relationship... But sometimes you put in one ticket and you win the door prize! Other cases you could with the big screen tv only to have it break a few days later.
Author treezy Posted May 15, 2014 Author Posted May 15, 2014 (edited) Update. I told the new guy that I think it'd be good if we ended it here before it escalates into a relationship and becomes harder for the both of us to let go. I told him about my previous relationship, and that I do not think I'm ready to start dating. I told him the truth that I still have feelings for my ex and he said he doesn't mind it at all. He believes that my negative feelings will pass and is willing to invest time and effort into us. He said I can take some time to think through this. I'm in a dilemma. Here is a great guy in front of me, but I can't seem to feel anything. I DO NOT feel attracted to him. I like him, he's nice and sweet, but there is just no chemistry. Are we meant to be just friends? Or should I keep dating him to see if we can create something out of nothing? Sorry for posting another rant today, I'm really confused. Edited May 15, 2014 by treezy formatting
Potz4prez Posted May 15, 2014 Posted May 15, 2014 It sounds like maybe you just need to take some time off of dating, and make some real friends... get over your ex, etc. Leave the boy alone and let him move on. You'll be doing him a favor.
deathandtaxes Posted May 15, 2014 Posted May 15, 2014 Let him go. You're not doing him any favors. And you're clearly not over your ex if you find yourself comparing this guy to your ex in various ways. You probably shouldn't be dating until you can figure this part out. Attraction is a quirky thing. If you're not attracted to this guy, do what's right. But you still have other issues to address.
Author treezy Posted May 24, 2014 Author Posted May 24, 2014 (edited) Thanks all for the response. Turns out, I didn't need to give the new guy an answer after all. After telling me to take some time to think about it, that very night itself he texted me at 1am saying that he's thought about it and realised it wasn't fair of him to pressurise me into continue dating him. Said he enjoyed my company and would like to stay friends. I personally didn't think it'd be a good idea to be friends at this point but he said he has no issues with that. I guess all's good now. And yes, I'll say no the next time someone asks me to date them, if there's even anyone who would ask me out that is. Think I'm just not dating material. Edited May 24, 2014 by treezy format
Gaeta Posted May 24, 2014 Posted May 24, 2014 Treezy: You are confusing 2 things here, love and attraction. It's normal for love to take time to grow between 2 people. Don't expect to fall in love within the first couple of dates. You can give 3 to 6 months to a relationship before you fall in love. Then there is attraction. Attraction has to be there from the beginning. If you are not attracted toward a man, if kissing him is like kissing a telephone post then you don't waste your time or his.
DArtagnan2 Posted May 24, 2014 Posted May 24, 2014 Thanks all for the response. Turns out, I didn't need to give the new guy an answer after all. After telling me to take some time to think about it, that very night itself he texted me at 1am saying that he's thought about it and realised it wasn't fair of him to pressurise me into continue dating him. Said he enjoyed my company and would like to stay friends. I personally didn't think it'd be a good idea to be friends at this point but he said he has no issues with that. I guess all's good now. And yes, I'll say no the next time someone asks me to date them, if there's even anyone who would ask me out that is. Think I'm just not dating material. You are obviously dating material or this guy wouldn't be wanting to date you, even after you told him you were in to your ex still. I think you should do what you feel you want to when it happens. You may need more time to get over your ex, thats a real valid possibly. the fact that you compared the two already, supports it a bit. Your feelings for each person you meet will be different some more intense, some not so intense and you will find your feelings will grow stronger or more over time. It does happen. You just need to be really ready for it when it comes. I would suggest being friends with this dude and keeping it casual for now. I am always one for keeping people in my life that bring something positive to it. You two may never be more then friends, but then again, this could be the exception that has you truly looking at relationships, what you want from them and you may find something deeper inside that needs to be met that your ex really never did fill regardless.
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