sportygirl Posted May 9, 2014 Posted May 9, 2014 (edited) Hello, First post here in a very long time... probably about a year ago when the only man I've ever felt anything for decided to call it quits... and I am embarrassed to say it, but I'm still stuck in that same place where I was a year ago - feeling as though half of me is missing. If something good / bad happens in my day I still have that instinct to text him (although needless to say I don't!)... and I don't want to be stuck anymore - so I'm looking for advice please. I've tried everything I can think of - joining new sports clubs, cutting contact entirely to maintaining friendship, dating other people, throwing myself into work (secured a promotion - yay)... but nothing has made a difference to the way I feel - which is just incomplete and like I'm missing out on what made me the happiest. What makes me all the more pathetic in this situation is that we only dated for 2 months, were friends for 6 months and we kept a close friendship after for about another 6 months (constant comms), and still every week or so we send messages (as there is distance between us). The thing is (again pathetically), he is the only person I've ever felt any kind of connection for. I've never had a proper bf due to work and family challenges until meeting him, so I guess this is what most people go through as teenagers - though I am just experiencing it a lot later in life, with that ticking clock! Anyway - anything you can think of would be appreciated... I don't want to find myself in this mindset another year down the line! Its to the extent that it still affects the way I make decisions... taking into account the things he likes... what he'd think of the house I'm planning to move to, what he'd think of my hairdo etc. etc.... its crazy! Thank you for any words of wisdom :-) xx Edited May 9, 2014 by sportygirl 1
ahthepain Posted May 9, 2014 Posted May 9, 2014 Hey sportygirl, As someone who has just been dumped in a 3 year relationship I know the pain you are going through. Surely you must feel better than you did after it had just finished though? A year is along time. Did you do what everyone here suggests and cut all contact? Go complete NC. I can totally relate - I just want to text my ex when anything good or bad has happened and it hurts that I can't just pick the phone up to chat to them.
Author sportygirl Posted May 9, 2014 Author Posted May 9, 2014 I'm sorry to hear about your relationship - I can't imagine what it must be like for a long term relationship to end. I do feel better than I did a year ago - but he's never far from my mind, and if I do let my mind think for just a little then it can stil l bring me right down :-( I didn't take the NC advice... perhaps that was the error. I thought I was being rude by not replying to the many many texts he'd send, and though I should be mature and keep the contact going. On top of that - I wanted to... whatever bit of comms he'd throw my way. I don't think it helped that even after I asked a few times if we could maybe keep our distance as I was finding things tricky, that he continued. I can't blame him though... I was messaging back still afterall!
ahthepain Posted May 9, 2014 Posted May 9, 2014 I'd love to have my ex text me, but she won't because somehow she has moved on so quickly, well she has a rebound now. I've now been NC for coming upto 2 weeks and it has definitely helped me attempt to move on. I find the hardest part is not checking social media. I'm so tempted to just check but I know that if I saw a picture of her with her new guy it would crush me, so just carry on regardless and try not to torture myself even more. Do you still have him on FB?
Author sportygirl Posted May 9, 2014 Author Posted May 9, 2014 He was one of the rare ones not to be in FB... however he whatsapps every so often, and uses the work messaging system to say hey every now and then as well (we don't work in the same location). I think its a good thing he's not on FB as I'm fairly sure I'll be checking in! I did delete his number from my phone on many, many occasions. The problem is though that I've deleted him so many times and he's continued to message, that I have seen his number so many times instead of his name that I know his number by heart... so can't delete him... again... I know - pathetic! I'm amazed your ex moved on so quickly - mine hasn't dated since... all that makes me think is that he'd rather be alone than with me!
Author sportygirl Posted May 9, 2014 Author Posted May 9, 2014 By the way - I do agree that staying away from her FB is the way to go - it will just be tormenting yourself. Have you removed her from your news feed so that you don't get her updates when you're not on her page? At least you can then control when you want to find out more as opposed to having her pop up.
Survivor1 Posted May 9, 2014 Posted May 9, 2014 Hey, really sorry to hear you're having a tough time. Two things I want to say: Firstly, obviously you are the only one that can tell this. But human's memories are actually quite short in terms of remembering how we were feeling at the time. Its difficult when we're in any degree of emotional pain (which can be torturous) to remember that it was actually a lot worse previously. Your mind automatically assumes that when you feel pain and hurt, it means you have made no progress. But there is no way that is true. Our mind naturally find coping mechanisms for dealing with emotional pain, and all the thoughts and analysis your brain will have done over the past year will have paid off - even if you can't recognise it now. Secondly, I am a total newcomer to the dating/breaking up game. But having had a horrible break up a few months ago, I can say, without equivocation, that no contact is the only route to freeing yourself from this. It is incredibly hard, but you can't think straight and move on if you still look forward to/rely on messaging and getting messages from this guy. Its tough, and there's no perfect way to deal with it, but you have to just break things off entirely. As I say, I'm no expect on this by any means, but this seems to be the way that everyone deals with it. You'll be fine! Remember, people have come from much more disastrous events than you and still come back!
Simon Phoenix Posted May 10, 2014 Posted May 10, 2014 (edited) I didn't take the NC advice... perhaps that was the error. Yes, that was the error. And it was a big error. It's nearly impossible to get over someone when you don't have the self-control to separate from contact with them. You haven't recovered because you never actually started the recovery process. You can't drive a car that doesn't have an engine. No Contact is the engine. You did everything except the basic, fundamental thing that you have to do. The good thing is that you aren't a year out, you haven't even started. The bad thing is that you wasted a year begging for table scraps by staying in contact. Don't waste any more time. Edited May 10, 2014 by Simon Phoenix 3
Elle1975 Posted May 10, 2014 Posted May 10, 2014 Go NC. Give it a try. You will see that most of us who are getting better have implemented No Contact. And I noticed that people who are stuck often "check the FB" or "try to remain friends". Allowing your ex to stay in touch with you is not a good idea. Also, if you really feel he's the only one you've ever had a connection with, it might be time to seek therapy. Therapy is not for the "crazy" or severe syndromes only. Your mind might be "stuck" on something and need a little push to get better. I'd try NC first, and I'd take it from there. You can try everything you want, gym, clubs, friends, etc... if you remain NC, you're pissing in a violin (it serves no purpose).
Author sportygirl Posted May 10, 2014 Author Posted May 10, 2014 Thank you for all your replies. It makes sense about NC - I just always felt like I was being immature by not answering his messages... but I guess this is the result. Even now I'm still so very tempted to text him to say hello! In his mind I think he knows I'm still stuck, so I've been wanting to find a way to redeem myself.. but I guess by keeping in contact I am just digging myself deeper. Trouble is, I have few friends - especially those I can just be 'me' with - going to find it tough to actually close that door forever when I think he could have been a good mate if only I was able to be less emotionally attached. A year in and I guess this is officially day#1!
Author sportygirl Posted May 10, 2014 Author Posted May 10, 2014 Gosh... so hard. Sat in my car tearing up and thinking back (waiting for gym lesson time to come around) Shouldn't hurt so much after so long. Perhaps the therapy route is the way to go.
Author sportygirl Posted May 16, 2014 Author Posted May 16, 2014 More tears againyesterday - I'm trying so desperately hard to move beyond this :-( I guess this is just week 1 down of NC... but I just don't understand why I am clinging to the past so much! Any other ideas? Do I just need someone to give me a good talking to!?
yorkie Posted May 16, 2014 Posted May 16, 2014 sporty girl i do feel for you its been nearly 9 months since i split from my ex it took me 2 n half months to start NC but tbh i have to have limited contact and thats because we have two kids together we were together just short of 13 years and although im in a new relationship and have been seeing the new gf 6 months now. i still find it hard! dont get me wrong i change my mind over and over again if i would have her back and we have just got to force yourself to forget them. a year is a long time and you need to look yourself in the mirror and think why am i letting someone do this to me! saying that i still have the thoughts and the depression etc. although my life is great now as in i have my house , the kids, and a lovely new gf who yes i do love! its hard cos it is rejection! and it tests your own beliefs that how can someone you once shared you life with can do that to you. but you know the real answer and you have beat yourself up for to long now its time to have no regrets you thought your hardest it just wasnt good enough! chin up hun! and yes move on easier said than done i know and i still have the same questions and thoughts but i am in a better place than i was but fully over my ex no way am i! we have to just focus on ourselves! and move forward with out them life goes on! so must you!
Lifegoezon Posted May 16, 2014 Posted May 16, 2014 Agree you have to start NC or you'll be in the same place in another year. You're still feeling all the acute breakup emotions because of the continued contact. It's not immature or rude to end communication with someone who doesn't want the relationship you want. And if it was - so what? You shouldn't care what he thinks of what you do to heal. His opinion is of no significance. Start NC today. Let him go and get your life back. No more wasted time and tears.
Author sportygirl Posted May 16, 2014 Author Posted May 16, 2014 Thanks for your messages Lifegoezon and yorkie... I feel like a bit of a nutcase having clung onto this for so long.
Simon Phoenix Posted May 16, 2014 Posted May 16, 2014 More tears againyesterday - I'm trying so desperately hard to move beyond this :-( I guess this is just week 1 down of NC... but I just don't understand why I am clinging to the past so much! Any other ideas? Do I just need someone to give me a good talking to!? It's going to suck for a while. One week of NC is just the tip of the iceberg. But you have to ride it out. If you stick to it and don't cave like you have been you'll make progress in time. But it's going to take a bit. It's basically like you broke up last week -- you stalled the whole process for a year by staying in contact. 1
stillafool Posted June 16, 2014 Posted June 16, 2014 Definitely go complete NC or otherwise you will never get over him. The thing you have not mentioned is your social life. Do you have a group of friends you hang out with, go to parties, vacations, etc? I think this is key to being able to move on especially at your age. You should be out having fun not sitting around crying over a relationship that lasted 2 months.
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