CM2009 Posted May 9, 2014 Posted May 9, 2014 Hi LS family it's been a while since I've been on here but I need some advice about my GF. We have been dating for 7 months and so far it's eh ok, she just turned 30 and I'm 31. She treats me right, I can tell she loves me a lot and she shows it not just physically but she respects me and treats me well. At first when I wasn't working as much as I'm doing now we spent a lot of time together, but after my hrs at work went from 80 every two weeks to 100+ our time, plus I am in school about to receive my bachelors in a couple more mounths so our time together has been pretty limited. At first we use to see each other maybe 4 to 5 times a week now, we're seeing each other about once or twice. Now as time has gone on I have noticed some things that have sort of disturbed me. Almost each month (including the first month) since we've been dating she was asked me to borrow well over a $150 each time for thing such as her rent, and school books (which she dropped one class and failed the other) which is ok I have no problem with that. She works full time but her pay rate is very low, now what kind of disturbed me was that her birthday was 2 wks ago and she asked me for some money to help her w/ her bday party she wanted to throw and for some "birthday hair" aka weave. So I was pretty bothered by that but I gave her the money and stated that the money is her gift and she was fine with that. Needless to say she is bad with money. I'm not perfect and when I was younger I was bad with money but after age 28 I became a lot better. So earlier this week she had an interview with a company that seemed promising so I was hoping she would get it because she is always complaining about her job. So I called her on my way home and asked her about the interview, and she said "I didn't go." The reason why she said she didn't go was because she overslept, smh I was so irritated by that I didn't hear another word she said. Me personally I am use to woman who are self reliable, and right now I am having a hard time with this one. On one hand she treats me very well but on the other hand she IMO is not bringing much to the table, and to be honest I don't know if I can trust her long term if we ended up married and I lose my job to be able to step up while I'm down. I don't know you guys I am in a real confusing place, she has acknowledged that she has been a burden to me recently but haven't seen much improvement. Please help me figure this out, I appreciate your help/criticism.
halfcrazed_i Posted May 9, 2014 Posted May 9, 2014 Well... I got a question. Has she always been like this? Or is it a recent development? The one thing I have to say is: This 'habit' of hers may just get worse in the long run. If she's as flippant about finances, then perhaps it's something you should consider pointing out to her. Especially since she's well into adulthood. She needs to be more responsible and accountable. But I'm sure you already know this. Talk to her and ask her if she's aware of what she's doing (you'd be surprised by how some people aren't). And then explain to her what you feel and lay out on the table what your concerns are. If she cares about you (or herself, for that matter), it should dawn on her that she should do something about it... But you shouldn't take this lightly. It will hound you for the rest of your life as long as you're with her. Address the issue now while it's still early enough.
David87 Posted May 9, 2014 Posted May 9, 2014 You spoiled her every month by giving her money and she realized that you will do that for as long as she asks you to do it. If you want things to improve put your foot down next time she asks for money.
PegNosePete Posted May 9, 2014 Posted May 9, 2014 You are enabling her bad financial habits. Try cutting her off, see if she still treats you good? Sure some people have money issues, but if they can't live according to their means, learn and overcome their problems, then that speaks very poorly about their character. For me that would be a deal-breaker. She shouldn't be relying on you to live, unless you've come to an agreement that you'll take on the traditional breadwinner role and she will take on the traditional housewife (maybe with a part time job) role. Since you're living separately - and only dating for 7 months - that doesn't apply.
Author CM2009 Posted May 11, 2014 Author Posted May 11, 2014 Well... I got a question. Has she always been like this? Or is it a recent development? The one thing I have to say is: This 'habit' of hers may just get worse in the long run. If she's as flippant about finances, then perhaps it's something you should consider pointing out to her. Especially since she's well into adulthood. She needs to be more responsible and accountable. But I'm sure you already know this. Talk to her and ask her if she's aware of what she's doing (you'd be surprised by how some people aren't). And then explain to her what you feel and lay out on the table what your concerns are. If she cares about you (or herself, for that matter), it should dawn on her that she should do something about it... But you shouldn't take this lightly. It will hound you for the rest of your life as long as you're with her. Address the issue now while it's still early enough. one thing your brought up really hits home is that it could get worse. Right now I'm trying to give it time and hopefully it turns around. One thing that could be a positive is that she has paid me back almost all the money I have lent her, only thing she hasn't paid back was the money for the book. Also she has realized that she has been a burden, but your right about future situations and that has me worried.
Author CM2009 Posted May 11, 2014 Author Posted May 11, 2014 You are enabling her bad financial habits. Try cutting her off, see if she still treats you good? Sure some people have money issues, but if they can't live according to their means, learn and overcome their problems, then that speaks very poorly about their character. For me that would be a deal-breaker. She shouldn't be relying on you to live, unless you've come to an agreement that you'll take on the traditional breadwinner role and she will take on the traditional housewife (maybe with a part time job) role. Since you're living separately - and only dating for 7 months - that doesn't apply. Good point especially because there is no kind of agreement of the sorts. I guess I was just trying to be a good boyfriend, but after while it didn't feel comfortable to give it out. She hasn't asked for money yet but the month has just started. Right now I don't think she's gonna ask me because she knows she's becoming a burden, she may do like she did prior to me and that was to ask her Father who spoils her, and that is where she gotten it from....
Author CM2009 Posted May 11, 2014 Author Posted May 11, 2014 Well... I got a question. Has she always been like this? Or is it a recent development? The one thing I have to say is: This 'habit' of hers may just get worse in the long run. If she's as flippant about finances, then perhaps it's something you should consider pointing out to her. Especially since she's well into adulthood. She needs to be more responsible and accountable. But I'm sure you already know this. Talk to her and ask her if she's aware of what she's doing (you'd be surprised by how some people aren't). And then explain to her what you feel and lay out on the table what your concerns are. If she cares about you (or herself, for that matter), it should dawn on her that she should do something about it... But you shouldn't take this lightly. It will hound you for the rest of your life as long as you're with her. Address the issue now while it's still early enough. Also to answer your question, any time she needed assistance she normally asked her Father who spoils her like crazy. So I don't think this is a recently issue but I'm guessing because Pops has always came to her aid she always had a crutch to rely on.
Assasda Posted May 11, 2014 Posted May 11, 2014 First of all, Dont try to psychoanalyze how she was brought up, and her issues with her father. I think its OK to give her that "weave money" for her birthday but not OK to let her borrow without payng. Her missing the job interview is a serious thing. You should let her know that you wanted her to go to the interview. And let her know how disappointed you were. If you really love someone, and not just inflatuation, you want them to grow and be better, you want them tho thrive, and those sometimes means kicking them up the backside. If you think that she's not going hard enough, let her know, motivate her
Author CM2009 Posted June 18, 2014 Author Posted June 18, 2014 (edited) First of all, Dont try to psychoanalyze how she was brought up, and her issues with her father. I think its OK to give her that "weave money" for her birthday but not OK to let her borrow without payng. Her missing the job interview is a serious thing. You should let her know that you wanted her to go to the interview. And let her know how disappointed you were. If you really love someone, and not just inflatuation, you want them to grow and be better, you want them tho thrive, and those sometimes means kicking them up the backside. If you think that she's not going hard enough, let her know, motivate her Thanks for the advice, she is trying though I give her that. Just right now the results aren't showing. Since this post we had a big discussion because I laid out my feelings and even split for a few days because I was going back and forth on if I can deal with it or not. I still am in a sense, because now new developments have taken place such as work increase which keeps me working longer so we don't really spend as much time with each other, plus HW which pretty much shackles me during the weekends. So she was frustrated over that and I had to explain why I am working so hard at work and in school, she says she understands but I can see the frustration from her part. Another issue is that I have been getting hit on by other woman who are a little bit better because they are striving/hustling in order to succeed. Right now I am struggling to figure out how to handle this situation. Because like I stated earlier she is a good woman who treats me like a king but certain intangibles are severely lacking. I do not want to end up missing out if indeed this woman is the one for me, but I also owe it to myself to do what is best for me. Edited June 18, 2014 by CM2009
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