Hopefulandinlove Posted May 9, 2014 Posted May 9, 2014 My husband had an affair with a distant relative of mine. It's driving me crazy that he told her he loved her. I want her to know that he never did and that he doesn't like her. It sounds so childish of me but I am so angry at them both. I am dealing with him in therapy, but I am getting no closure from her. She is the type of woman who always gets what she wants and loves feeling desired by men. I want her to feel bad. Would it help things if he said that sort of stuff to her? They havnt had any contact in over a month since he sent her an email ending it. Thanks! Also- he doesn't want up do this which makes me even angrier. He thinks the best way to handle it is to move on and focus on the future together.
Lernaean_Hydra Posted May 9, 2014 Posted May 9, 2014 (edited) My husband had an affair with a distant relative of mine. It's driving me crazy that he told her he loved her. I want her to know that he never did and that he doesn't like her. It sounds so childish of me but I am so angry at them both. I am dealing with him in therapy, but I am getting no closure from her. She is the type of woman who always gets what she wants and loves feeling desired by men. I want her to feel bad. Would it help things if he said that sort of stuff to her? They havnt had any contact in over a month since he sent her an email ending it. Thanks! Also- he doesn't want up do this which makes me even angrier. He thinks the best way to handle it is to move on and focus on the future together. My answer is undoubtedly yes. But then again I'm a vindictive little bitch so take that how you will. edit: also, what your husband wants should be of little consequence to you. If he felt your marriage should be about adhering to a spouses wishes, he wouldn't have had an affair now would he? Beause clearly him stepping out on you wasnt what you wanted. Just because he wants you to rugsweep (or excuse me, move on) doesn't mean you have to. Edited May 9, 2014 by Lernaean_Hydra 1
waterwoman Posted May 9, 2014 Posted May 9, 2014 I agree with your h. He has ended it, leave it at that. If he sends her anything nasty she may well interpret it as being your handiwork not his. Which it would be, let's be honest. And it would open up communications again, not a good idea. Let it go. I know, easier said than done:( Time will do the trick. I was so full of rage at her to start with and I said some pretty nasty things to him about her. Problem was for a while he still loved her and the words hurt HIM not her, and the fact that it upset him hurt ME. So I forced myself to try to stop thinking of her. Treat her as an irrelevance. Not talk about her, just talk about us, focus on us. It was easier that way. In the end I got my 'revenge' if you like, he speaks of her now with a very different tone, he is indifferent, even irritated by the memories if the affair. I always assumed he'd keep fond memories of that time, even though he'd willingly ended the a and wanted to reconcile, but I really don't think that he does. Does she know? Nope but it doesn't matter now! Let continuing and solid radio silence from him say it all. Silence, silence, silence. 4
2sunny Posted May 9, 2014 Posted May 9, 2014 He already told her. That can't be taken back. You can't MAKE her feel a certain way. Well, unless you expose her for how she participated - tell all relatives - and allow her to have the consequences of what she's done. I would! Maybe your husband might become more remorseful too, if exposed. He doesn't seem quite willing enough to consider how you must feel in the betrayal he CAUSED. You may be forgiving him too easily or too quickly. He may not have had enough consequences for his bad behavior. You may have settled for poor treatment without him repairing all the damage he caused. Don't make him so comfortable. People don't change when they are comfortable. 3
A.Moscote Posted May 9, 2014 Posted May 9, 2014 You have to weigh this fairly and look at it from many perspectives, including your husband's. You know the whole situation much more than us. If this really will help improve your relationship and marriage, then you can, you have to actually. There might be some other acceptable reasons too, e.g. informing the other unaware party, as an advice for her, etc. However if this is solely about fulfilling your own satisfaction, then I think it is unnecessary. Consider the negative vibes such actions might bring. Your husband succumbed to his desire, you don't have to, you're much stronger. It is better to be patience, control your anger, and work things between the two of you. In the end though I have to admit that we are all different. You are the one wisest about yourself and it really is your right to act in any way. Who knows if this will really drag your progress if you let her go. Also- he doesn't want up do this which makes me even angrier... Rather than spending your efforts on her, I think this one is much worthier to ponder. Try to be open and honest with each other and discuss this. Why is he reluctant? Does he unconsciously rugsweep? Any fear or worry on his side. This is the chance for both of you to bond and understand each other in this new phase of your marriage. Be strong and good luck. 3
GreySkyMorning Posted May 9, 2014 Posted May 9, 2014 My husband had an affair with a distant relative of mine. It's driving me crazy that he told her he loved her. I want her to know that he never did and that he doesn't like her. It sounds so childish of me but I am so angry at them both. I am dealing with him in therapy, but I am getting no closure from her. She is the type of woman who always gets what she wants and loves feeling desired by men. I want her to feel bad. Would it help things if he said that sort of stuff to her? They havnt had any contact in over a month since he sent her an email ending it. Thanks! Also- he doesn't want up do this which makes me even angrier. He thinks the best way to handle it is to move on and focus on the future together. And this is a good example of why when thus actually happens, so many other women believe that the wife made the man do it and he doesn't really mean it.... Take it however you want, but as a former other woman, I'd see this as nothing more than a petty attempt by the wife to make herself feel superior. 2
jnel921 Posted May 9, 2014 Posted May 9, 2014 I am sure you are very hurt by your H and cousins actions. It is a dual betrayal. Your H already admitted he loved her. A tough pill to swallow I am sure. Whether he hates her now and feels differently should be of no concern to you cousin unless she is still trying to contact him. I agree that silence is the best way to handle the OW/OM. Reaching out will only show them that they are still impacting your life. If your H and you chose to R, you will need to work hard on your M. It's not easy. I personally have certain deal breakers. I am R with my WH over 17 months but if the situation was longer and with someone I knew I doubt we'd be together. It's tough enough now. You don't mention how long your situation was going on and the circumstances. Again, those things are key to how the healing starts. Good luck to you. 3
notserene Posted May 9, 2014 Posted May 9, 2014 I think if you put the focus on her, it gives her power over you. Also, if she's the kind of person who gets off on attention (any attention), it will make her feel important and special. she sounds like the type who will eat that up. You don't say how long the affair was or exactly how it ended. Does that have an impact on the way you are feeling? My WH was done with OW by the time he told me about the A, though she was still contacting him. I do agree that you need to move forward, but that doesn't mean pretending like it never happened. You need clarity from your H if he said he loved her - was it infatuation that made him say it or something deeper? Are you concerned that he's pining away? That will wear off. Personally, if I felt like my WH was "in love" with someone else and preferred her to me, I would detach from him rather than keep trying to get him to "pick me." But that's just me. 5
harrybrown Posted May 9, 2014 Posted May 9, 2014 Keep silence with her. But have you exposed the affair to your family and to her SO? 1
Realist3 Posted May 9, 2014 Posted May 9, 2014 As others have said it would so patently obvious it was you behind the letter/message. Worrying about her is not going to help you move forward with your marriage issues. 3
BetrayedH Posted May 9, 2014 Posted May 9, 2014 And this is a good example of why when thus actually happens, so many other women believe that the wife made the man do it and he doesn't really mean it.... Take it however you want, but as a former other woman, I'd see this as nothing more than a petty attempt by the wife to make herself feel superior. I won't "like" this post but it's exactly what I was thinking. It's going to be pretty transparent that you were behind this. Sorry. I suspect she might even get some satisfaction from knowing what a mess she's created in your marriage and she won't feel bad about it since you're trying to get revenge. I get your angst with the OW but your efforts are best focused on your husband and marriage. That's a handful enough, I would think. 7
gettingstronger Posted May 9, 2014 Posted May 9, 2014 I think silence and moving on speaks better than drama and vindictiveness. When you open the door to communication all heck can break loose. I understand your feelings but allowing someone a window in to your life like that is asking for trouble. Take care of you. 3
Fluttershy Posted May 9, 2014 Posted May 9, 2014 I agree with those that say leave it be. You can't change how shethinksor feels. She will just believe you made him (true) and that she is still a threat. You will be feeding her. Let time show her. NC letter has been sent and adhered toso this will be just continuing the drama. He is with you.what she belives about that is nonimportant. Be careful on scorched earth wide spread exposure some people advocate. It can do more harm than good. And if a WS really wants to save the marriage and end te affair changes nothing. Tell people on a need to know basis because once told it can't be untold. You can't punish your WS into being sorry. Just dowhat you feel is best for what you want provided it is somethingwithin your control like your own actions. 2
Goodbye Posted May 9, 2014 Posted May 9, 2014 If he is truly keeping total NC with her, that will speak volumes. I suspect a call from him, even a nasty one, would just spark the flame. She'd likely assume it was your handiwork and she'd interpret it as he is the victim of his controlling wife. Just my opinion. Nothing says "I don't care about you" more than complete silence. 2
Author Hopefulandinlove Posted May 10, 2014 Author Posted May 10, 2014 Thank you so much for all your responses. After reading them- it makes sense to not contact her. My husband is changing so much for the better and trying really hard to fix what he messed up. He feels that by contacting her, she will think we are still talking about her and that she is still "in our relationship". Basically what everyone here said. I hate it when he is right about stuff. I thought for sure more people would think its a good idea to stick it to her that she's a tramp who isn't in my husbands heart but I guess I'm wrong. He says the affair wasn't real love- just infatuation over the newness of them. It lasted 4-5 months- the end of my pregnancy and first few months if our newborn being sick in the hospital. He says he feels like he doesn't know who he was when he looks back at himself during that time. It's so hard for me to understand that. All I see us the betrayal. Her husband knows because I told him. They are divorcing but not because of this. They were already in the process of it.
me85 Posted May 10, 2014 Posted May 10, 2014 (edited) Firstly, I am so sorry this happened to you. Second, I'm glad you realize it makes no sense to contact her. Because it doesn't. With all due respect, this is something only you and your husband can fix. You are the ones who made vows to one another. You're thinking she is a part of y'all's equation is your first mistake. I know it sounds crazy but only by you removing her from the equation can you truly start dealing with the infidelity. It has to become just between your husband and you. Only by seeing just the two of you in this equation will you be able to figure out what went wrong and how to fix it. Only your two brains and your two hearts can come together here. No one else's. No more distractions and she WAS the distraction but now we need to focus. (= I mean, having that mentality is so strong! It says, "This is our house and the only way it's going to fall is if we, me and my husband, let it!" I know, he almost did but this is your marriage. If you're both willing to try, GREAT. Do it. It's time to rebuild! Not saying the OW was an innocent bystander AT ALL. Just leave her completely out of everything. She's not a person from here on out. She's the "affair." That's her name now. And you can only talk about the affair for so long, then you have to let it go. If you and your husband plan to resolve and move past this, you truly will have to forgive him and cannot bring it up in the future. You either accept it or you don't. You sound like a normal, sane, intelligent woman. I know that you will get through this!!!!!! I know you are only venting natural feelings/thoughts on here. Heck, I'd be BEYOND FURIOUS!!!! What happened to you is one of the worst things but not THE WORST. The positive is there's a chance you can get past this and re-establish a great marriage with your husband. Edited May 10, 2014 by me85 1
me85 Posted May 10, 2014 Posted May 10, 2014 Just read it was a distant relative of yours… I'M SO SORRY! Personally, if it was my cousin and we were never that close, I wouldn't worry about mending that. I'd focus on mending my marriage. I've always said family or not, if you aren't good to me you won't be a part of my life. Period. Just because they're you're family doesn't mean you have to like or be around them. Ever. You can't pick and choose blood, but you chose your husband (and vice versa) because you love him so I really hope everything works out for you!!!!! 1
dichotomy Posted May 10, 2014 Posted May 10, 2014 I get you, but be grateful, sometimes there is not even a formal NC issued by WS to AP, like your husband did. Sometimes NC is just stopping contact. 1
Author Hopefulandinlove Posted May 10, 2014 Author Posted May 10, 2014 Im really happy I posted my question on here. The advice I'm receiving is helping me a lot. Thank you. 1
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