Dating a guy who isn't sure

[lindls]

I am almost 29, about 2 months ago who is 24. We hit it off from the get go, he seemed to be mature for our age gap and about 2 weeks into seeing each other he would talk about having a relationship with me and wanting to be with me. He brought up that he wasn't talking to other girls anymore after meeting me, and was hoping I wasn't talking to other guys (which I was not).

 

I know guys are not big on texting (some are not big on calling either), so I usually try to play things cool, I am not one to constantly text or call but I do relay my feelings and make sure he knows where my feelings are at. We would text sporadically throughout the day but not non stop, I never would get on his case if I didn't hear back from him or anything like that, like some girls do. I am a pretty undramatic person. He has said things to me like "you're a really cool girlfriend" or "I hope you like me as much as I like you". He went to Vegas last weekend but called me the day before he left telling me he hopes I don't forget about him while he's out there. He was in Vegas for 5 days with his 3 of his single guy friends. While he was out there, I didn't want to be messaging him and calling him because I knew he was busy --and hey it's Vegas right?--so I sent a few texts on two separate days, basically stating how I was hoping he was having fun and that I missed him. He would reply but was very vague and short, I figured he was just busy and didn't have much time, which was fine.

 

 

Well the afternoon after he got home (he got home really late the day before), I hadn't heard from him so I eventually told him that I hoped he had a great day and I missed him. We briefly chatted before he entirely ended things!! He stated he didn't know if he wanted a girlfriend and being around his single friends made him realize he truly doesn't want a girlfriend and he thought he was leading me on. I questioned it a bit but didn't stir the pot, I didn't name drop, I didn't throw things in his face that he had told me. I basically told him I don't want to beg him to change his mind cause that is not how I am, and I can respect his decision but I did ask him what he meant by leading me on, to which he replied that he thought that for a month he wanted a girlfriend and to be with me but now he doesn't know what he wants. He also stated that he is easily swayed by his friends, and wants to be sure about being in a relationship. I basically told him that, he was sure up until recently but if this is what he wants then I'm done and wished him good luck with whatever he is looking for. I made sure not to cause any uproar, because I am a classy girl.

 

I haven't met these friends he was with, they are his friends from high school and we live in a different state then where he grew up. I have no idea what he said to them.

 

For the record - He openly said that nothing happened in Vegas, I ask him nor did I didn't question it once. I guess I have stalked all social media and have yet to find anything about another girl out there. There are no new friends on his social media that would be from Vegas, and I guess he has been very honest with me from the get go, and has always said he is an honest person....I don't perceive him to be the cheating type but then again I didn't know him too terribly long....

 

I did really like this guy. I still do. A part of me feels he might be back, just from what he had been saying to me prior to him ending things. We never had a blow out leading to a break up, nor did I do anything behind his back. I want to know from anybody's perspective, what in the world may have happened? Cold feet? Are guys usually easily swayed by their friends, and when he is back here, his friends are in relationships, maybe he would think differently? I simply don't know....my friends all said I handled the break up amazingly, one in particular said it almost seemed like I wasn't trying to fight it, I let him have what he wants - which usually they change their mind (according to her). What are the odds of a guy who is pretty wishy washy coming back? Sorry for all the questions, I am just at a loss for words right now

[FitChick]

He was in Vegas for five days. What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. That's why he said nothing happened!

 

Move on, date others, if he shows up at some point, with the perspective of distance and time, you may not even be interested. He sounds immature.

[Leigh 87]

If a guy falls head over heels for a girl he wants to be with them, plain and simple.

 

If he met a girl he was crazy about he would be with her.

 

Guys who tell you " well you know, I get super busy in my career blablabla" If THEY met a girl they fell madly in love with, they WOULD NOT just go " well I want to focus on my career"

 

No. Men do move mountains for the girl that they feel strongly enough about. It is, however, very rare for a guy to meet "that girl" who drives him wild and who he cares about immensely. You are like most of the women this guy will encounter; really liking you is not enough to want a relationship, since he likes the idea of being single better.

 

It takes a special girl to make a guy want to commit when he otherwise PREFERS to be single.

 

And of course he hooked up in Vegas, DO NOT believe him if he says otherwise. Seriously.

[Assasda]

I dont think I caught how long OP and her guy were together.

It seems like you guys had to have more trouble in your relationship prior to the trip.

 

I hope it was longer than a 2 week relationship

[cif]

He may come back but will you trust him with your heart the second time around? Or worse will you wait around? Obviously something happened in Vegas that made him come back and immediately break it off with you. Why would he offer you the truth when he was saying goodbye anyway.

 

There is nothing you could've done since it's not your fault he wants his freedom. And I know you said you don't want to stir up drama in your relationships, for the most part that's good but be careful not to be a doormat either.

[firsttracks]

Dang! I'm a 29 year old male and have only dated girls who behave like this 24 year old guy you were seeing. I'd love to meet someone like you. You're respectful, clear, communicative, and not pushy. That's like the perfect girl. Move on, he's not sure. He probably enjoyed the attention and in vegas went on the prowl (not saying anything happened), but saw the hunt with his single guy friends and that seems more exciting to him right now than being in a committed relationship with a mature adult : ) Your a solid catch I can tell that by your post, your just dating the wrong guy.

[MalachiX]

People are fickle. It can happen at 24, 29, or 50. Men and women.

 

He lead you on and then changed his mind. It's not how I would have handled things but it's the way some people do. Doesn't mean it's your fault.

 

As for "will he come back?" I don't think it matters. If he does I would suggest not taking him back as he's already shown that he can't really make up his mind about what he wants and I don't think it's worthwhile to get screwed around by someone.

[Leigh 87]

I'm going to go out on a strong limb and guess you are a fan of Disney Movies and think infatuation is love.

 

 

My bf was smitten with me on date one. He didn't need to go and date other women to figure out who he "liked the best".

 

He didn't need months to figure out whether or not he liked me enough to be my boyfriend.

 

The OP'S bf didn't know after 2 months whether or not he wanted a relationship with her.

 

It is just my style to choose guys who are very into me and have strong enough feelings from the start to want to at least give things a try; they are not stupid, they realise it takes time to truly love a person past the initial stage. But they like me ENOUGH to want to take that chance with me.

 

How is it unrealistic to want to find a man who meets you once and then doesn't feel the NEED to go out and go on more dates with other women?

What is wrong with holding out for a guy who really likes you on day one, to the point where he doesn't NEED to "figure out" if other dates have more to offer? Some men are so excited about a girl they meet they, lets see, umm... they don't WANT to go on a date with another women!?

 

It is very common for a guy to meet a girl once and decide that he doesn't want to see other people. It happens all the time. Guy meets girl. Guy is really into her and loses interests in going on dates with other women. When a guy meets a girl he really likes, he often wont want to date other women. Some guys don't need to date more than one women to figure out who he likes the most.

 

The OP'S guy has not even made her his gf after two months. Now personally, I prefer a guy who is really into me from day one and who is quiet taken by me and doesn't need "time to figure out" whether he is into me enough to make me his gf. I would have dropped him for the 2 months with no label alone. I can find men who would not need two months to figure out if they liked me enough to be my boyfriend.

 

I don't think there would be any ifs or butts if this same guy the OP was dating met a girl that knocked his socks off.

[SJC2008]

It's one of three things in my book (no certain order): 1) He's telling the truth. 2) He's trying to set you up as a FWB. 3) He really likes you and is running.

 

Don't get stuck on #3 as "There's hope".

[Leigh 87]

It's one of three things in my book (no certain order): 1) He's telling the truth. 2) He's trying to set you up as a FWB. 3) He really likes you and is running.

 

Don't get stuck on #3 as "There's hope".

 

 

 

haha!

 

3 seldom ever happens.

 

And even IF he is telling the truth, he would want a relationship if the right girl came along.

 

He probably really liked her but just not enough to make it official when the time came for it....

[nomadic_butterfly]

I did really like this guy. I still do. A part of me feels he might be back, just from what he had been saying to me prior to him ending things. We never had a blow out leading to a break up, nor did I do anything behind his back. I want to know from anybody's perspective, what in the world may have happened? Cold feet? Are guys usually easily swayed by their friends, and when he is back here, his friends are in relationships, maybe he would think differently? I simply don't know....my friends all said I handled the break up amazingly, one in particular said it almost seemed like I wasn't trying to fight it, I let him have what he wants - which usually they change their mind (according to her). What are the odds of a guy who is pretty wishy washy coming back? Sorry for all the questions, I am just at a loss for words right now

 

Successful dating entails wanting the same thing as the other party and then acting on it. I would advise against dating a wishy-washy person. And it would also behoove you to not make yourself "too available" as that stands to marginalize your value in his eyes and for sure he would take you for granted.

 

Unless he promised you the sun, moon, and stars, I believe his reasoning suffices after a mere 2 months. That's really not that long. He may be mature otherwise, but maybe not emotionally mature enough to handle what you sought.

 

Don't count on him "changing his mind." After you heal, put yourself back out there. I would take your friend's advice with a grain of salt. Sometimes that happens, but more often than not, it doesn't and you will put yourself in unnecessary emotional turmoil if your situation is not the exception. I usually tend to believe when someone says I am not what they want. Then I rationalize it mentally, then grasp it emotionally, accept it and move on.

 

He clearly respected you enough to tell you it's over rather than do the ever so popular "fade out" or start little conflicts or ignore you all together. It sounds like he liked you, but just not enough to forfeit his singleness/freedom.

[Phantom888]

OP: He's not into you. You are lower priority than most of his fun activities. A man who wants to be with you would put you ahead of all those extra-curricular things. Think about it, if you liked someone a lot, wouldn't you cancel some of your fun activities to spend more time with him?

[Zahara]

I'm not sure if you were dating for 2 months or 2 weeks but a relatively short period of time, he was probably smitten in the beginning and then lost interest. There is no big analysis to be made about why he's changed his mind. And if his friends played a role in swaying his mind, then who wants to be with a guy that has no concept of knowing what he wants and how he feels.

 

I'm sure he will be back. But would you be secure about his intentions the second time around? Chances are you won't and it's likely that he'll be back for all the wrong reasons and do a repeat performance. If friends and a trip to Vegas skewed his view of wanting a girlfriend, what's next?

 

I'm not sure why you are at a loss. Nothing is ever a guarantee. Couples that have had years of commitment together, up and leave. In your relatively short stint with him, it's not unique or surprising for it to have ended this way.

[d0nnivain]

Phantom88 is correct. If he was really into you, his buddies would have little to no sway.

 

He's told you he doesn't want a GF. Believe him & act accordingly.

[lindls]

Thank you all so much for your insight - it all is so appreciated!!

 

I know I am a confident girl, I am good looking (not trying to get off on myself), I have a college education with a great job. I bought my own house and pay my own bills. I am very self sufficient. I hear this is an attractive quality.

 

I got more "information" if you will tonight on this guy. I have not talked to him or attempted to talk to him since the break up happened. But today he decided to post pictures with a new girl on two social media sights. It sort of leads me to believe he was seeing her prior. Kind of a slap in the face but I will be okay! People were posting comments such as "cutest couple ever", so I know this isn't "just a friend".

 

I'm going to delete him from my social media - but not for a few days (it will make it seem like I am doing it in spite of the pictures, which I guess I am but also to help my heart heal more).

 

I'm not going to say anything to him about it, I contemplated just liking one of the pictures to see what would be done but I am not going to act immature, which I think that would be. My motto is "classy not trashy".

 

Maturity always prevails :-). Thanks again guys!

[lindls]

PS - this strays me from ever dating a guy this much younger again. No offense to the 24 year olds, but this guy is far too immature and too much of a d-bag. Sort of ruined it for all of them - such a shame!!