Finding hairs..... is he cheating?? :s

[lighterone]

Hello!

First time poster on here.

I've been dating my boyfriend for 2 and a half years and have been living together for a year and a half. We've also know eachother for about 8years.

I recently found 2 long hairs (about 3 inches longer than mine) in my bathroom and bedroom. I havent had hair that long in just over a year. He said it has to be mine because he hasn't had any girls over.

At Christmas I also found very flirty texts on his phone with some of his girl friends, but he acid it was just joking around.

We are also planning on moving across the country together.....and he says things like he wants to marry me once our schooling is done. Might I mention that I'm 28 and he's 30.

Am I too paranoid to believe he's cheating on me?

It dosnt help that I've had really bad experiences with being cheated on before....

Help me! I need some advise from others who've experienced this.

Thanks

[angel.eyes]

Could the hair have come from a friend of yours while she was visiting? Do you use a cleaning service? Could it be one of their hairs. Any possible explanation for why long hairs that aren't yours might be in your bathroom legitimately?

 

You're right to be suspicious. You have two red flags. Unfortunately, if your boyfriend is cheating, you've alerted him to your suspicions by asking about the hairs. Play naive, be observant, and do a little searching. Mix up your schedule, and show up very early when you should be away from your place (e.g. during your work hours when he is usually home alone or something).

 

Flirting with other women while you're in a relationship is not "nothing" or okay. Neither are signs of other women where they don't belong.

[CarrieT]

Install keyloggers on his computer and put a voice-activated recording device in his car (where most cheaters have private conversations).

 

Go into investigative mode if you are remotely suspicious.

[Candy_Pants]

Without any evidence, you have no other option but to break up if you have any self-worth or self-respect.

Except....that's exactly what an investigation would/could gather....evidence.

[Keenly]

Install keyloggers on his computer and put a voice-activated recording device in his car (where most cheaters have private conversations).

 

Go into investigative mode if you are remotely suspicious.

 

You better hope he never finds out if he turns out to be not guilty.

 

 

Being accused of cheating when you have been faithful is painful and insulting.

[Candy_Pants]

@Stud Muffin, I actually agree with you. But the OP asked for advice and that's what she's getting. CarrieT WAS cheated on so she's giving advice from her own perspective.

[Radu]

I'm jealous.

 

As a guy, i have never looked for or found weird hairs.

[Phoe]

Hah. I recall a few months back seeing a pink hairbrush in the boyfriends bathroom with dark blonde hair in it.

 

I am a dark brunette and do not own a pink hairbrush.

 

 

I raised my eyebrows but assumed it must be his mothers or his little cousins who accidentally left it here.

 

 

A few hours later he comes to me "Babe! Stop leaving your stuff here, your toothbrush is here, your shampoo is here, your deodorant is here, your hairbrush is here..."

 

 

WHOA babe. lol. Not my hairbrush. The hair in that brush is blonde.

 

 

He seemed very startled but yes, it was his mothers.

[BHsigh]

Well, the texts are definitely a red flag, doesn't mean that he is cheating though, but you should keep an eye out.

 

But two hairs? I don't really think they are enough to go on, if there were numerous hairs, sure, maybe, but two? Nah, hair holds static very well, and it's possible to pick up a hair or two on your clothes just about anywhere. And they could have been dislodged from a shirt when it was taken off, like in the bathroom or the bedroom.

 

It could have been from him, or it could have been from you, it's impossible to tell.

[BetrayedH]

You don't know enough here to make a solid judgment. As carrie suggested, go into investigative mode (and quit confronting him - it just helps them hide it better). It sounds like you have a marriage on the line here. That's a decision for a lifetime. Don't make the wrong one. Find out the truth.

 

As for the flirty texts being "joking around," they must have that line in the cheater's handbook.

 

If you investigate and find nothing, you both win.

 

And to address Keenly's concerns, then yes, if you find nothing, it's appropriate to confess your snooping and to address the risidual trust issues that you have from previous relationships. You would use it as an opportunity to bond. Snooping is typically not an unforgivable offense, especially as you get closer to marriage. And once you're married (partners in everything for life), the only place you should expect privacy is in the bathroom.

[Keenly]

You don't know enough here to make a solid judgment. As carrie suggested, go into investigative mode (and quit confronting him - it just helps them hide it better). It sounds like you have a marriage on the line here. That's a decision for a lifetime. Don't make the wrong one. Find out the truth.

 

As for the flirty texts being "joking around," they must have that line in the cheater's handbook.

 

If you investigate and find nothing, you both win.

 

And to address Keenly's concerns, then yes, if you find nothing, it's appropriate to confess your snooping and to address the risidual trust issues that you have from previous relationships. You would use it as an opportunity to bond. Snooping is typically not an unforgivable offense, especially as you get closer to marriage. And once you're married (partners in everything for life), the only place you should expect privacy is in the bathroom.

 

I completely disagree with the last thing you said.

Just because you are married does not mean you get privacy. With trust comes privacy. If your partner can not respect or understand a desire for privacy, it shoes heavy trust issues.

[BetrayedH]

I completely disagree with the last thing you said.

Just because you are married does not mean you get privacy. With trust comes privacy. If your partner can not respect or understand a desire for privacy, it shoes heavy trust issues.

 

I think we just have different experiences, Keenly. I have found blind trust to be unwise and unhealthy. Those with nothing to hide, hide nothing. My spouse is my partner in life. If we're going to make that commitment, there shouldn't be any secrets. And I have no problem with 'trust but verify.' It would be nice to think that we could always trust our spouse but I've come to learn that, by and large, it's a romantic fantasy. With a 50% divorce rate, blind trust is a big risk with the rest of your life hanging in the balance. You may say I have heavy trust issues. I don't really have much of a problem with that other than the "heavy" label. I think having some trust issues is healthy. If my spouse (or GF, for that matter) was concerned about me potentially cheating, I would gladly be transparent. In fact, that's the way we live already. Both of us are free to check into whatever we want. I think that transparency is what has built a lot of trust. When we got serious, my GF actually blind-copied me on messages that she sent to previous suitors, letting them know that she was in a committed relationship now. She also copied me on their replies. It may sound strange (I didn't ask for that, by the way) but the fact was that she didn't need privacy and her transparency bought her a lot. She also demonstrated that she has a healthy sense of boundaries and respect for our relationship.