learning_slowly Posted May 7, 2014 Posted May 7, 2014 Ok, I can't be completely over it or I wouldn't have a nagging in my head about 1 point: She said she was choosing to be with "somebody that actually cares for me". I did alot of things that weren't great, but I did alot of things that I can show I cared for her. Quite big commitments in some ways. The scenario is: 1. It would take a miracle on my part to want to take her back. I honestly cannot see anything that would make me want to. 2. I assume she thinks the same. So the point is not reconciliation. I am actually happy if she has found someone who can make her happy. I did love her and want her happiness. However, is there any point in having an argument over her saying I didn't care for her. My thinking is it will get this stupid point out of my head and allow me to not think about her anymore. Or is it going to be better, to try and bury this point? The outcomes are: a) she agrees with my points and says goodbye b) she disagrees and I know she never saw things the same as me and says goodbye. Either way the outcome is the same, so logic says who cares what you do! Anybody had experience either way?
BikerAccnt Posted May 7, 2014 Posted May 7, 2014 (edited) The timing of your post is amazing. I am going thru something similar with an ex right now in regards to getting some of my stuff back from her. An Ex who insisited she wanted to be friends ...until I started dating again! Anyway, no, there's no sense arguing with her about it. She said it as a passive-aggressive way to take a dig at you and get a rise out of you. Don't let her know it did. My ex just mentioned how if she dropped dead no-one would care. She knows that's not true but was just trying to get a reaction, I'm not going to fall for it no matter how much her saying that bugs me. I'm going to reply to her email about getting my stuff back, and just ignore anything personal. I think you should do the same. Continuing to talk to her just prolongs the breakup process. You're broken up, so who cares what she thinks? Same for me, if she wants to burn her bridges and end a friendship, so be it. Edited May 7, 2014 by BikerAccnt
No Limit Posted May 7, 2014 Posted May 7, 2014 I think it's time to slowly but surely cease contact with your ex.
brokeNlost Posted May 7, 2014 Posted May 7, 2014 Seems to me you're looking for an excuse to make contact with her, all the while living in denial that you're over her. Don't worry I'm going through the same cycle right now. Keeping NC is hard
Author learning_slowly Posted May 7, 2014 Author Posted May 7, 2014 Seems to me you're looking for an excuse to make contact with her, all the while living in denial that you're over her. Don't worry I'm going through the same cycle right now. Keeping NC is hard I agree I'm not over her. But I don't see any future with us together. My point is do I send an email saying you said this: "blah, blah", but I don't agree because "blah, blah". I have already told her that I was sorry and I'm not trying to get together again ages ago, and that I'm happy she has found somebody who makes her happy. I can deal with that. I'm quite secure and have supportive people around me. But I am angry that she did not see the efforts I took, that if I was really selfish, I didn't need to do. But I suppose that is for my benefit alone. If I told her that, maybe that would disrupt her life. But as she is happy now, surely she can handle it to ease my burden?
brokeNlost Posted May 8, 2014 Posted May 8, 2014 She said she was choosing to be with "somebody that actually cares for me". Look, my ex pretty much gave me the same BS when she broke up with me. I treated her like a princess and put some much effort into the relationship. I even compromised my time with my friends and family to put up with her controlling and selfish demands. But in the end she chose to be with someone who apparently is a more perfect fit for her. As far as I'm concern, our exes is just trying to ease their guilt by placing the blame on us. You are trying to find a reason to justify contact to get closure. Trust me the way you get closure is from within. The first step is to forgive her and forgive yourself. Forgiveness is really for own benefits. 1
Author learning_slowly Posted May 8, 2014 Author Posted May 8, 2014 She said she was choosing to be with "somebody that actually cares for me". Look, my ex pretty much gave me the same BS when she broke up with me. I treated her like a princess and put some much effort into the relationship. I even compromised my time with my friends and family to put up with her controlling and selfish demands. But in the end she chose to be with someone who apparently is a more perfect fit for her. As far as I'm concern, our exes is just trying to ease their guilt by placing the blame on us. You are trying to find a reason to justify contact to get closure. Trust me the way you get closure is from within. The first step is to forgive her and forgive yourself. Forgiveness is really for own benefits. I do forgive her. She had every right to move on. Its a moot point now, as I sent the email. Its gone. I no longer have to think about it. I've said my piece and now I can move on. So in that way it is closure. Maybe in someway it may blow up in my face, but sometimes you have to trust your instincts in whats right for you. Thanks for the advice, even if it wasn't heeded.
Author learning_slowly Posted May 8, 2014 Author Posted May 8, 2014 OK so I got an answer and because of that I can hopefully give guidance to the next person in this situation: Would I contact if I was you? My response couldn't have been nicer e.g.she made no mention on any enjoyment she was having, even though she must be. She made compliments and offered support. It saw my point, and explained her side and which was valid. So now, I can forget that thing which was stuck in my head. But it made me aware of how nice she was. So now I'm feeling a little sad. Excluding a miracle I knew we would not get back together, but was there a slither of hope? I don't think so, but maybe. I think I had just forgotten some of the good things. Maybe the brain does forget them so you can move on. And now I've refreshed it! So really its a toss of the coin moment. That 1 point, I couldn't get out of my head is now sorted out. Otherwise I may still be thinking about it. But I gave my brain a refresher and am a little sad. So if the point is not really bugging you, I would avoid the contact if possible. Why wake up pain?
d0nnivain Posted May 8, 2014 Posted May 8, 2014 You are looking for closure. It's a myth. The other person rarely has the words or ability to answer your Qs. I wouldn't reach out. You will just end up frustrated.
Author learning_slowly Posted May 8, 2014 Author Posted May 8, 2014 No not closure. I just wasn't happy that she didn't think I cared. We'll diagree about how much I cared. But it was the fact she said before I didn't care at all, but she said it was a mistake. Due to stress. Probably scared I was going to tell the new bf that she slept with me while seeing him. But that's their problem to deal with, not mine anymore.
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