justlife Posted May 7, 2014 Posted May 7, 2014 (edited) Hi, Some background info first. I came to uni in October and was single. In the 2/3 years prior to uni there were 3 girls that I really liked, and for one reason or another they didnt work out (the first one I was on and off with for about 2 years and finally sacked it off, the second I was really close with but she just saw me as a friend, and the third was someone I was mega-close with but she had a boyfriend and even said that things might have been different if she didn't). I'm still quite close friends with the last 2 of these girls, although I don't think this is causing problems. SO evidently I'd never experienced a proper relationship and this past stuff had made me want a relationship more and more. I met a girl as soon as I came to uni, on my course, who I clicked with from the very first night. She came to uni with stuff still going on at home, so for the first 2 months of uni we did stuff with each other but she didnt want to commit. Then we went back home for christmas and got closer, and when we came back in January we started going out straight away. We had a blip near the start (my fault but nothing massive) which caused her to have doubts but we didnt break up from it and it was sorted within a week, albeit with bits of it continuing for a few weeks. Anyway we went back home again for 6 weeks and she came to stay for a few days in that time (we live about 3 hours drive apart). Then we came back to uni 2 weeks ago. Last night she came round for a chat and cos she could tell something has been up and she basically thinks I've been different and so was asking why. This is the bit where I just don't understand myself. I really like the girl and she is amazing. Shes so nice that I hate even the thought of upsetting her a tiny amount. I do have a lot of feelings for her and I don't really want to be without her. The issue I have is I've struggled with the relationship- not because of her, just because of it being a relationship. Since we started going out I have regularly wondered if I rushed things and have sorta had second thoughts. I find myself feeling pressured to do stuff (again, not because of her really) and it makes me want to do it less for some reason. Before we officially went out, I didn't have this problem as much cos I could do what I wanted without feeling like I had to. I also worry a bit about how committing can be for a long time and the thought of this being my only relationship scares me a little. The bigger issue I have though is that I'm finding that I like being on my own and don't feel I have that freedom. That isn't to say I want to see other girls at all, what I mean is I'm the type of person who really enjoys their own company, and I think a lot of this has to do with the fact that my parents divorced when I was a child and so I used to spend a lot of time on my own instead of with my family because it upset me being around my parents a bit. I feel reluctant to express my feelings and be affectionate with my mum even though I want to be because I love her, and I get this similar feeling with this girl. She suggested that I needed some time alone, and so at the moment we're on a break/have broken up (not entirely sure exactly which it is). In my head, I don't know what I want. I want to be with her, spend time with her, chat with her etc, but something about a relationship has just made me feel uncomfortable. I don't want to mess her around because shes amazing, so I need to decide what I want. If I went back into a relationship with her, I think I could try harder to make it work, but I don't want to go back into a relationship to then still have the same problem. At the end of this term (June), itll be summer holidays and we'll be apart for the majority of 3 months, so getting back together now might not be sensible before that long apart. After that we'll still have 2 more years of uni together. I'm really not sure what is best to do right now. I'm wondering if I rushed the relationship stuff, but then I don't want to not be close with this girl (if we do break up, she said she'd want some time with no contact which I understand). Grass is greener syndrome?? Any advice would be brilliant! Thank you. Edited May 7, 2014 by justlife
Strength in Healing Posted May 7, 2014 Posted May 7, 2014 My advice is you sound like you do want to be with her. Do you want to get with any other girls? If not, then get back with her, and express that you need some alone time sometimes (not broke up, just alone time) just because of your background, but it has nothing to do with her.
Author justlife Posted May 7, 2014 Author Posted May 7, 2014 My advice is you sound like you do want to be with her. Do you want to get with any other girls? If not, then get back with her, and express that you need some alone time sometimes (not broke up, just alone time) just because of your background, but it has nothing to do with her. I'd be lying if I said I never think about it but when you go in a relationship you make a choice on committing or not so I don't think thats too abnormal or too much of a problem. I think thats something I can get used to and will have to get used to at some point.
Strength in Healing Posted May 7, 2014 Posted May 7, 2014 I mean, tell you you just have to spend some nights alone, doing whatever you do. Like video games, or playing an instrument, or drawing (not sure what you wanna do when you're alone). Reassure her you aren't cheating, you aren't doing anything except spending some nights alone. But be in a relationship with her. Because believe me, if she leaves, you will feel the pain. So unless this is an issue you will ONLY have with HER, then stop yourself before she won't ever let you come back.
Elle1975 Posted May 7, 2014 Posted May 7, 2014 Hi, Some background info first. I came to uni in October and was single. In the 2/3 years prior to uni there were 3 girls that I really liked, and for one reason or another they didnt work out (the first one I was on and off with for about 2 years and finally sacked it off, the second I was really close with but she just saw me as a friend, and the third was someone I was mega-close with but she had a boyfriend and even said that things might have been different if she didn't). I'm still quite close friends with the last 2 of these girls, although I don't think this is causing problems. SO evidently I'd never experienced a proper relationship and this past stuff had made me want a relationship more and more. I met a girl as soon as I came to uni, on my course, who I clicked with from the very first night. She came to uni with stuff still going on at home, so for the first 2 months of uni we did stuff with each other but she didnt want to commit. Then we went back home for christmas and got closer, and when we came back in January we started going out straight away. We had a blip near the start (my fault but nothing massive) which caused her to have doubts but we didnt break up from it and it was sorted within a week, albeit with bits of it continuing for a few weeks. Anyway we went back home again for 6 weeks and she came to stay for a few days in that time (we live about 3 hours drive apart). Then we came back to uni 2 weeks ago. Last night she came round for a chat and cos she could tell something has been up and she basically thinks I've been different and so was asking why. This is the bit where I just don't understand myself. I really like the girl and she is amazing. Shes so nice that I hate even the thought of upsetting her a tiny amount. I do have a lot of feelings for her and I don't really want to be without her. The issue I have is I've struggled with the relationship- not because of her, just because of it being a relationship. Since we started going out I have regularly wondered if I rushed things and have sorta had second thoughts. I find myself feeling pressured to do stuff (again, not because of her really) and it makes me want to do it less for some reason. Before we officially went out, I didn't have this problem as much cos I could do what I wanted without feeling like I had to. I also worry a bit about how committing can be for a long time and the thought of this being my only relationship scares me a little. The bigger issue I have though is that I'm finding that I like being on my own and don't feel I have that freedom. That isn't to say I want to see other girls at all, what I mean is I'm the type of person who really enjoys their own company, and I think a lot of this has to do with the fact that my parents divorced when I was a child and so I used to spend a lot of time on my own instead of with my family because it upset me being around my parents a bit. I feel reluctant to express my feelings and be affectionate with my mum even though I want to be because I love her, and I get this similar feeling with this girl. She suggested that I needed some time alone, and so at the moment we're on a break/have broken up (not entirely sure exactly which it is). In my head, I don't know what I want. I want to be with her, spend time with her, chat with her etc, but something about a relationship has just made me feel uncomfortable. I don't want to mess her around because shes amazing, so I need to decide what I want. If I went back into a relationship with her, I think I could try harder to make it work, but I don't want to go back into a relationship to then still have the same problem. At the end of this term (June), itll be summer holidays and we'll be apart for the majority of 3 months, so getting back together now might not be sensible before that long apart. After that we'll still have 2 more years of uni together. I'm really not sure what is best to do right now. I'm wondering if I rushed the relationship stuff, but then I don't want to not be close with this girl (if we do break up, she said she'd want some time with no contact which I understand). Grass is greener syndrome?? Any advice would be brilliant! Thank you. Take the summer off. You have feelings for her, but you're just.. not sure about being in a relationship. I'd take a few steps back.
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