question123 Posted May 7, 2014 Posted May 7, 2014 I made a post awhile back but I'm still struggling with the answer. Just a brief background me and my ex-girlfriend have known each other since gr. 9 (13-14 years old) we started dating a little more than a year and a half ago and were both 20 now. It all started because I had that GIGS feeling - I didn't know if i could see a future felt like i was being suffocated and i knew i loved her but didn't know if i was IN love with her so we ended things mutually mostly because i had these feelings and she felt like i was pushing her away. Anyways on Easter weekend i had been with another girl for the first time afterwards it just didn't feel right I felt guilty and just had that moment of realization that its different being with a girl you genuinely care and love then with some random (although this other girl was a friend). As well over the past few weeks the single lifestyle that i thought i wanted has of course not been as "fun" as i thought it might be. After being with that other girl my ex forced herself over (she still doesn't know about this other girl) she just wanted to see me because it had been a month. We talked and hung out for 4-5 hrs (we kissed but that was all) and it felt so right just being with her in general. I even went to church on Easter Sunday after all of this as my sister and parents were away on vacation and I didn't want to talk to friends about it. I haven't been to church in 4 years and I went on Easter Sunday to a chapel and prayed by myself for over an hour. It was relaxing I cried but I still felt lost. Its been a few weeks since then and i needed clarity so we met up and talked yesterday. While being with her I couldn't bring myself to ask to try and work it all out she seems like she is doing so much better new friends new job etc. when we said goodbye i cried when i got home (i never cry - not just saying that because I'm a dude but i literally never cry and I've cried multiple times this past month thinking about her). I just can't distinguish between my feelings I'll be honest I have been losing sleep over this I wake up and immediately think about her and can't go back to sleep. I also feel like my time is running out because the longer I wait the more she will drift away from me. I know why it didn't work out the first time but I can honestly say I've learned a lot the past 2 months not being with her. I'm scared because I never want to feel the same way i did previously, however, i feel like these feelings built up due to a lack of communication between the two of us. Were also super compatible we have lots in common and we just get along being together is a party in and of itself. I'm just so lost some days I tell myself I want this girl and other days I tell myself I don't all the while just wasting more time. One thing I can say for sure is I learned a lot about myself, how i feel about the future, and that I don't think I'm as happy as I was when i did have her (i feel empty). I wish someone could make this decision for me. Everyone I talk to has their own opinion. I guess i just want to know if i should let this relationship go with the wind or do all in my power to make it work. Thanks for reading and all your responses really do help. As well if you have any more questions I would be glad to answer them.
elseaacych Posted May 7, 2014 Posted May 7, 2014 How special is she to you? So special that you want to marry her and have babies and commit to a LIFETIME (50-80 years, if you are lucky) to building a future with each other? Don't answer that question now. If you don't know yet, it's okay. But keep it in the back of your mind until you know the answer. You have already had enough time together to know whether it is worth the commitment, though. And when you get your answer, the only answer you can continue with has to be 100% yes, both mind and feelings have to agree. Otherwise you let her be and move on. There are lots of wonderful people out there in the world for both of you. You both will be fine if you do that. Here's the thing, if you go back, and she takes you back, you basically have to start from square one and build another relationship. It will be harder because now you have trust issues and other issues involved. The break up did both horrible and beautiful things for both of you. It depends on the type of people you are. If the beautiful outweighs the horrible, you may be on the right track if you are both committed to making it work, with an end goal in mind. If you do not know what you want from a relationship with her, it is not worth going back for another round. The thing that makes reconciliations so tricky is that you both have to rebuild from rubble with a master plan (with certain designated escape provisions that you both agree on), from the very beginning. No laissez-faire la-de-da "see how it goes". Because "see how it goes" ended up in a break up. Sorry to hear you are going through a tough time. I hope you can find the answers you need.
Author question123 Posted May 7, 2014 Author Posted May 7, 2014 I think that's part of what freaked me out. She would always ask if i loved her and talk about marriage and kids and personally I want all of that but in the future not right now. I think this is where the lack of communication ties in. I didn't express that yes i do want this but no i don't want to talk about it on a frequent basis. I guess it also scared me because things were moving so fast I was scared about the future and the idea of what my ideal future would consist of. This was stuck in my head instead of focusing on the present. As for the commitment I think it would be worth it shes special to me and probably always will be. I also totally agree with your last point that's why im so confused whether I should go through with it or not. I don't EVER want to fall out of love with her again and im scared I might. But if I don't take this chance then I might not ever know what could have been. At the same time i feel bad for her because the last thing i want to do is play with her emotions and then in 3 weeks decide I don't want it all over again. I think another big problem is that I'm a thinker. All i do is think and its just making it more difficult for me. I really do appreciate your response.
elseaacych Posted May 7, 2014 Posted May 7, 2014 I think that's part of what freaked me out. She would always ask if i loved her and talk about marriage and kids and personally I want all of that but in the future not right now. I think this is where the lack of communication ties in. I didn't express that yes i do want this but no i don't want to talk about it on a frequent basis. I guess it also scared me because things were moving so fast I was scared about the future and the idea of what my ideal future would consist of. This was stuck in my head instead of focusing on the present. Bingo. There's where your big problem was. Do you think that you have resolved your communication issues? Do you think your break up has made you learn to communicate better? Are there things about the future that indicate incompatibilities to you? I was always scared to talk about the future with my ex, because I thought he would see those incompatibilities too. Well, look where that got me. There will always be things that you and your partner
elseaacych Posted May 7, 2014 Posted May 7, 2014 (edited) I think that's part of what freaked me out. She would always ask if i loved her and talk about marriage and kids and personally I want all of that but in the future not right now. I think this is where the lack of communication ties in. I didn't express that yes i do want this but no i don't want to talk about it on a frequent basis. I guess it also scared me because things were moving so fast I was scared about the future and the idea of what my ideal future would consist of. This was stuck in my head instead of focusing on the present. Bingo. There's where your big problem was. Do you think that you have resolved your communication issues? Do you think your break up has made you learn to communicate better? Are there things about the future that indicate incompatibilities to you? I was always scared to talk about the future with my ex, because I thought he would see those incompatibilities too. Well, look where that got me. There will always be things that you and your partner disagree on because you are two different people. But, you both have to learn how to maximize the good, minimize the bad though compromise. How do you do that? Through communication. I know that deciding to contact your ex is a tough decision to make. Time may not seem like your friend here because you're afraid you will fall out of love or she will move on. Well, if you have real permanent love, it will take a long time to truly die, if it does at all. I am 6 months out of a break up and I still love my ex. I don't know if the feeling will always be there, but from that, take solace in that you will continue to have feelings for your ex for awhile, so you will not "fall out of love with her".... unless you meet someone new! (And even then you can still love her. Love is the ultimate renewable resource.) Time really is your friend, because you have the time to think and make your decision, not out of panic. Panic drives stupid things. It sounds like you still don't know. So keep thinking about it because I know you don't want to toy with her feelings either. That's the beast of reconciliation. You have to come on strong, soon, and agree to take it slow, but you also have to be fully committed. Soon and fully committed seem to be at odds here. (Don't panic, though.) But I still maintain that you find your 100% answer before you contact her. If, by that point, she has moved on, gracefully acknowledge that you gave it your best shot, and commit 100% to regaining confidence that you can find another person that you can give 100% to. Because there are lots of those people out there. You can find one if you look. By the way, sorry for the double post! My browser is a little weird this morning! Edited May 7, 2014 by elseaacych
Author question123 Posted May 8, 2014 Author Posted May 8, 2014 I think that my communication will definitely be better considering what I've learned these past 2-3months. As for the future I don't see incompatibilities (we literally like all the same stuff we get along super well we just connect on a level I've never connected with anyone in my life) as much as the future in general is kind of a scary thought. Just the thought of being with one person for the rest of your life is a weird feeling but at the same time the feeling of losing that person makes me feel much worse. I personally believe the breakup did horrible and beautiful things. More beautiful for me and horrible for her. I've come to the realization more so of what I want and what I don't want and I always lean towards wanting her. I'm not panicking, however, whenever I try to sit down and think about what I truly want I just get conflicting feelings. I really just wish I could 100% fall in or out of love with this girl so I could move forward. I'm in such a limbo and it sucks... ps. as i was writing this she texted me what a coinsidence
Recommended Posts