Kaiten Posted May 7, 2014 Posted May 7, 2014 You don't have to read the story below. Just an answer to the question will do. However, if you are wondering the context of the question, read on. My best friend spends all his free time with his girlfriend. I mean ALL his free time with her. She's over our house even as I write this. Every time I see them they are holding each other or sitting up under each other. I was talking with my friend on the couch the other day, and his girl friend took an interest and came over and sat down right on top of my best friend. It was awkward because I could now only see my half of my friend. I asked him about this when I caught him after he got off work and was stopping by the house on his way to his girlfriend's house. I told him I was kind of worried about him. He spent a lot of time with his gf. It seemed (to me) unhealthy. At this point, I cannot say my friends name without them both turning their head. It's rather creepy. His girlfriend is very social. And in a good way. But when I am talking to someone, I don't want any other input i didn't ask for. Let me provide a bit more context. My friend is the kind of guy who is never not in a relationship. He just closed the case on a three year off and on thing with a girl he had proposed to but then it didn't work out. Though he hasn't proposed to every girl he's been with, he has done a lot of relationships. I asked him this: "You've been in a lot of relationships man. Do you ever stop to think about all the time you've invested in all these girls? Surely a good bit of it has been for naught. What could you have done with all that time you gave to these girls who no longer care (and some of with hate him)" His response: "I don't consider it a waste of time. To me, they are learning experiences." I asked if there was no other way he could learn. He then replied with something that sounded so silly I didn't even bother to remember it. (Sorry if that sounds condescending). But I have to think about this. He is literally only not with her while he is at work (8 hours). What do you talk about at this point? What is there to talk about? Maybe I see this more than I should because I am starting my own business and trying to make enough money to do what I want to do instead of working for someone else. I can't help but think of all the things that he could be doing if he just spent only half the time he did with her. He claims he wants to eventually get out of construction and manual labor work. But how can you do anything when you spend every non-working moment with someone else? Conclusion: I have heard that it is important for couples not to spend too much time together for several reasons such as a) you can't have all your needs met by any single one person. b) You will get bored of your partner faster because you run out of things to talk about. c) If the relationship ends, the people you neglected may not be around anymore. d) There are still other things to do even when you are dating. I've never been married, but I think there is a reason that married people still have friends who they talk to often. What are your thoughts on balance in a relationship?
todreaminblue Posted May 7, 2014 Posted May 7, 2014 I dont think anyone should spend time twenty four seven together like conjoined twins its good to keep up hobbies and keep up with close friends and to share time with close friends together as well..or catch up with family...i think outside interests give you other things to talk about..... i do know that if you hang out together all the time you dont get a chance to miss them and that little habit where they pop their knuckles doesnt seem so cute anymore or hum while eating starts to get a little grating......like tie them to the ceiling fan because you are developing an eye tic grating ...smilin...........but then i like some quiet time to myself where i can go to lala land for a while.....others might not feel the same way i do and are fine with spending every spare minute they have together.....i think both people have to feel the same way for it to work......if not...some kind of compromise needs to be made..early in a relationship you might be spending more time together and it settles a bit when you both are secure i guess..............deb
Silly_Girl Posted May 7, 2014 Posted May 7, 2014 My husband and I both have friends, some shared, some are kept separate, but in all honesty we have the most fun together. We default to spending our time together and then the other bits are by exception. We've just spent every day and night for a month together, and mostly at home not even a holiday. So 24/7 apart from about 6 days he worked. Didn't fall out once, ended up crying with laughter many times, and would happily spend the next month with him if the opportunity was there. I think spending time together because you find each other stimulating and fun and you enjoy activities together is one thing, but if it's out if laziness (can't be bothered to arrange things with friends), or obligation ((made to ?) feel guilty about spending time elsewhere) then I think it's very unhealthy and could well backfire in the longer term. 1
Author Kaiten Posted May 7, 2014 Author Posted May 7, 2014 Silly Girl, I am not sure why, but I always feel a bit differently about a married couple than people who are dating. I think it's good for a married couple - as people who are joined by covenant (as opposed to verbal agreement) - to spend that time together. Because your intentions are to be in it for the long haul. At any rate, I think this may be a special case. My friend appears to be a serial dater. He doesn't like being single simply because that means you are single. Now I'm not gonna lie, it'd be nice to have a girl come with me when I go to see Amazing Spiderman 2 tomorrow, but I would still need the time to do the things that I enjoy doing. Sorta like a Daily Practice. 1
iiiii Posted May 7, 2014 Posted May 7, 2014 I think for most couples, whether they are married or just dating, it is so important to have time apart and not spend every spare possible moment with your partner. I have made that mistake in the past and it didn't end well. The relationships were probably doomed anyway, but I would have seen that earlier if I'd had more time by myself. You can become so intoxicated by just having a person constantly close to you, it's like the relationship is too intense to see the other person clearly. Distance gives perspective. Plus, it sucks for your single friends if you will suddenly ONLY EVER meet up with them as part of a couple. 1
Damaged217 Posted May 7, 2014 Posted May 7, 2014 I dont think anyone should spend time twenty four seven together like conjoined twins its good to keep up hobbies and keep up with close friends and to share time with close friends together as well..or catch up with family...i think outside interests give you other things to talk about..... i do know that if you hang out together all the time you dont get a chance to miss them and that little habit where they pop their knuckles doesnt seem so cute anymore or hum while eating starts to get a little grating......like tie them to the ceiling fan because you are developing an eye tic grating ...smilin...........but then i like some quiet time to myself where i can go to lala land for a while.....others might not feel the same way i do and are fine with spending every spare minute they have together.....i think both people have to feel the same way for it to work......if not...some kind of compromise needs to be made..early in a relationship you might be spending more time together and it settles a bit when you both are secure i guess..............deb I agree with this. I'm currently having an issue with my boyfriend wanting to spend every spare second with me and I'm starting to get annoyed. He doesn't give me the chance to miss him. I've had the relationship the OP is describing with an ex. We were completely consumed with each other and neither of us cared that we were withdrawing from our friends. I missed good friends birthdays to spend time with my bf. That relationship was completely unhealthy. When it ended, we were both depressed and didn't know how to handle it. It felt like my world ended and I felt like I was going to die. And he was completely suicidal. NEVER do I want to go through that again. It is absolutely necessary for each person in a relationship to have their own hobbies and do things without their partner. Not only do you gain things to talk about, but you learn different things and have more to offer your partner. And then there's that whole "absence makes the heart grow fonder" bit. There really is truth to that. 1
halfcrazed_i Posted May 13, 2014 Posted May 13, 2014 Like you, I believe that every person needs to have a separate life from their partner. It's good to have a "shared life" together -- but it's equally important to have a life that doesn't involve him/her. I do agree that it's "healthier" that way -- and also I'm in agreement with all the points you've listed. But for me, it's mainly for self-preservation. If/When the relationship doesn't work out, I would still want to be my own person. I still want to have my own claim in life. And I want to have something that I can go back to that won't remind me of him. I know it may sound like I'm anticipating something negative... but it's just one of the few things I've learned as I got older. Stuff happens, even when you don't intend it to. And you just have to be prepared for those. On the other hand, I also think it's important you have an aspect in your life that you share with your partner -- something that you guys can bond over. Something that you can call your own. And as balance goes... you can have both It never has to be one or the other. I find that a good partner will actually encourage you to have your own life (and not just make him the center of your universe). It shows that he's a very secure person and trusts you completely.
Author Kaiten Posted May 26, 2014 Author Posted May 26, 2014 When it ended, we were both depressed and didn't know how to handle it. It felt like my world ended and I felt like I was going to die. And he was completely suicidal. NEVER do I want to go through that again. I once had a similar situation with my ex. We broke up and then I felt like I had lost everything. In truth, I had wanted to break up with her. But I felt like I couldn't go on without her (because I was always cancelling other things to spend time with her). I probably would have killed myself if I didn't have my hobbies and ambitions that have become part of me.
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