He might be playing games or losing interest but I want to do the right thing. Ideas?

[mbee]

So I wrote about this guy last week. Basically we've been talking for several months and have been actively seeing each other for a month. This month alone we've had 14 dates with each date lasting either 5 hours to a full day so we've spent quite a bit of time together. Everything was going amazing. He introduced me to close friends, talked about me meeting his family, invited me to things frequently, etc. Well last weekend he told me that he didn't know if he was sexually attracted to me. This came out of nowhere and his actions show he's sexually attracted. I was deeply upset and with the advice from this forum, I decided to call him and talk about it. He told me he was scared and felt the need to push me away and said that but didn't mean any of it... he just wanted space and felt overwhelmed and scared. He's very inexperienced with dating. He's 25 and has only had 2 girlfriends, 1 of which cheated on him, and the other barely spoke any English and there was a language barrier. He said he wanted to see me on Saturday and start over at a slower pace. We saw each other and he was all over me. We went to an event together and had an amazing time. We stayed up late talking to each other and got physically intimate twice in a row (with him doing all the initiating). And he confirmed the morning after that he is very sexually attracted to me. The next day he baked me cookies, we chatted for several hours, got lunch together and I went home. He told me to let me know when we should get together this weekend.

 

All seemed well, except I logged onto my dating profile (we met online and I logged on to give suggestions on a friend's profile) and looked at his profile. Not only did he log on that night, but he edited his profile. To make things worse, he included a statement about me and an inside joke that only me and him share. I have no idea why he had the inside joke in his profile. He also said "you must be able to understand sarcasm." This is definitely related to me. I moved to a new country for work-related reasons (his home country) and the sarcasm is different for my culture. We laugh a lot together and have a shared sense of humor. We are always poking fun, laughing and having a great time together but sometimes the sarcasm escapes me (which to me is normal since it's cultural and many people have commented that it's cultural and takes time to get used to). So I was shocked he listed it in his profile. Also, him actively logging on seems like a very bad sign.

 

I haven't heard from him since that day (2-3 days ago). I sent him ONE text telling him good morning and saying I hope he's happy and doing well, but he hasn't responded and it's been 8 hours. And he's also logged into his dating profile since the text.

 

I refuse to chase him. I gave him a chance this last weekend to make things right, and I thought we were moving forward. Maybe he is scared of commitment or whatever excuses he can come up with, but I don't want to be strung along and he should have made it clear he was trying to date others (he told me 2 weeks ago that we were exclusive). But I want to do the right thing. I don't want to play games and ignore him or send passive-aggressive messages. I don't want to just stop talking to him and act like the last several months didn't happen. I've known him for several months and really thought we were good friends, and I know the way he's acting isn't right. What should I do? How should I talk to him about this? Or should I write him a standard message just saying I feel something is off and I'm going to back off?

Edited May 6, 2014 by mbee

[Assasda]

You were logging on to your dating profile too. So there is a conundrum.

 

You can ask him if he wants to date other people, and that you dont want him to be on the site, but thats the extent of it

[ExpatInItaly]

This guy is playing games with you. He's done the push-pull in the past and now you know that he is still open to seeing other people - unfortunately, you've discovered he is not exclusive with you. I would just tell him it's not going to work out and be done. If he has a shred of intelligence, he'll know why. If he asks, tell him what you saw. He is not serious about you, in any case.

[mbee]

You are probably right. I decided to call him after reading your advice and talking to him about it. He answered straight away. He did say he would like to be non-exclusive but has no plans and isn't actively trying to date anybody else. His head is just not in the right space to really think about being exclusive with me. He said he would still like to date me and unfortunately, he had to meet a friend, but he will be calling me tonight to further discuss this.

 

Anyway, yes, after that conversation, it's obvious he's not all that serious about me. Which is fine, even if it is disappointing. I'll continue dating whomever. He does definitely want to still date me and already had a date planned for Saturday night with me, but I'm just going to view him as someone fun to go out with every so often, and try to invest less emotionally. And I'm only still going to date him just because he says he is still confused and figuring it out, but again, am going to keep dating other people. I put myself on hold for other guys, but after that conversation with him, I'm not sure why I need to do that anymore.

[petall]

If it were me, I would dump this guy. You slept with him (I assume that's what you mean by "physically intimate")' only to find him on the dating website updating his profile?! Sounds like a keeper.

 

And then you have the talk with him but he's changed his mind now and wants to be non-exclusive. Oh by the way, he still wants to keep seeing you. Translate that to: he wants to continue sleeping with you. Just don't expect commitment from him!

 

Nice! You happy with this loser after all that?? Finish it already.