xxoo Posted May 7, 2014 Posted May 7, 2014 Next time he calls you a name, get up and leave. Repeat as necessary. Enforce basic respect as a condition for your company. 8
Shepp Posted May 7, 2014 Posted May 7, 2014 Next time he calls you a name, get up and leave. Repeat as necessary. Enforce basic respect as a condition for your company. It's good in theory, but practice isn't that straight forward - there's always relationship dynamic/circumstances/logistics at play! Sometimes its playful banter or sometimes it isnt but you can't get out of a moving car etc etc I stole the toast my fiancée had just finished buttering this morning on my way out for a jog - I think her turn of phrase was "you are an actual eejit", that's not abuse it's just tit for tat! If somethings being said that genuinelly offends you, then yeah that's not good, but if it's something simple that your both laughing off, then that's all it is. I guess you have to draw your own line and stick hard to it! If something upsets you, say so - that's the easiest way!
xxoo Posted May 7, 2014 Posted May 7, 2014 I agree with the playful exception, Shepp, but I was referring to to disrespectful name calling in the op. And in a relationship that has a problem with disrespectful name calling, playful name calling probably isn't a good idea either. It's too easy for the other person to argue "I was just playing" when called out.
Els Posted May 7, 2014 Posted May 7, 2014 I imagine that there must be in London! Just I guess I've never wandered upon them! I'll have to look it up! It sounds good! Is that bubble tea? Boba, from what I have had, is tea with these little white balls on the bottom, not sure what they are exactly. It is fairly good, though the first time I had it I almost chocked on one pf those damn things. If it's what I think it is, yep, all three are the same thing, just different words. Basically, this - Bubble tea - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia It's AMAZING; I'd drink it every day if I could, but the damn thing is something like 400 calories, so I try and resist the temptation most of the time.
Els Posted May 7, 2014 Posted May 7, 2014 ehhh this sounds like pretty typical relationship stuff. No one's perfect 100 percent of the time. And I'll probably get flamed for this but as a man, dealing with women you have to read between the lines sometimes. For example the "I don't want anything for my birthday, just spend time with you". Then she gets upset about not getting a gift (not saying that fits you specifically just speaking in generalities) He just read the wrong line, I guess. Which part of, "I want pho and a smoothie" needs reading between the lines!? And even if that's what he genuinely did - made a mistake - it doesn't excuse the name-calling and him putting the blame on her. 4
Shepp Posted May 7, 2014 Posted May 7, 2014 And in a relationship that has a problem with disrespectful name calling, playful name calling probably isn't a good idea either. It's too easy for the other person to argue "I was just playing" when called out. Yeah yeah this is what I was meaning, if you have playful banter here and there, (which correct me if I'm wrong but I feel like I read somewhere in this thread that was the case?) then the line gets muddy and it's hard to be clear cut like you suggested! I kind of agree It needs to be like a 'never call me that' or not, otherwise it's hard to be like 'in this context I found that disrespectful'! I mean it should be basic social skills to know the context but at the same time old habits die hard and I guess words come easy when your angry.
Shepp Posted May 7, 2014 Posted May 7, 2014 If it's what I think it is, yep, all three are the same thing, just different words. Basically, this - Bubble tea - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia It's AMAZING; I'd drink it every day if I could, but the damn thing is something like 400 calories, so I try and resist the temptation most of the time. Haha I had it in Italy a couple of years back - I remember thinking I need to find this when I get home and then I forgot!
somedude81 Posted May 7, 2014 Posted May 7, 2014 (edited) Lots of stuff I don't believe that Phoe is this guy's first girlfriend. And they've also been together for five months, so I don't think the inexperienced thing really applies as a get out of jail free card. At this point he should have a good idea of how she works and stop making these mistakes right? I don't know if his fear is of Phoe leaving or cheating because he pretty much wants to watch another guy have sex with her. It's my understanding that they've discussed it several times and he's even tried to get her to role-play with him, which she was completely against. There has to be a point when inexperience just can't be used as a reason anymore. The birthday incident was just stupidity on his part. He knew she wanted pho. I actually wanted Pho. lol. I mentioned to him multiple times today via text that I was craving pho. When I was on the way to pick him up, I texted him saying "hey, I wanna stop off at the pho place and pick up some beef soup and a smoothie since we will be driving right past." he said okay. It was only once I picked him up that he said "Instead of pho, how about we go to the bar?" There is just no excuse for that. He put his desires far above her own, which was even worse when the night 'was supposed to be about her.' When he said, "Happy early birthday, this is your birthday celebration." She should have said, "Thanks, now buy me some phu*king pho" And in there lies the problem. The issue Phoe is having with other LS posters, is the same dynamic as a wife that complains to her mother about issues in the marriage. I had this very problem with my wife early in our marriage. Whenever there was an issue between her and I, she would go to her mom to talk and vent about it. The issue was this was mostly all the mother was hearing. So in her mind, she is thinking "why is my daughter putting up with this man" because all she ever heard was the bad parts about the marriage. This painted the image to her that I was an awful husband, who was only hurting her daughter constantly. A lot has happened since than and I won't go into all the details, but after many argument and some MC, my wife realized what her venting, or airing her dirty laundry to her mother, was doing, both to her mother and to our marriage. If all we are being told is the bad things, that's the image we are going to have. And when she defends him, we see it as just "she's blind to the whole thing, look at how awful he is being", hence the barrage of responses. Phoe has even admitted on here she feels weird talking about how wonderful the relationship is, so we rarely ever see that aspect of it.I just don't get why there are even bad parts to even talk about. Their relationship is too young to have such things keep happening. I'm pretty sure that she's said that they've had fights that left them both blue in the face. I know they've had several arguments and Phoe knew that they would have had another argument if she didn't "bite her tongue, smile, and say thank you." Granted I am very inexperienced when it comes to relationships, I have less experience than Phoe and her BF, but I believe that such fights shouldn't be happening when a relationship is so new. A big part of making a relationship work is compromise, and I just don't see Phoe's boyfriend doing that without a fight. The thing is Phoe, this can not go on forever. At some point, either you or him will call it quits if something doesn't change. The relationship will die because of it. You have to establish healthy boundaries of what is and what is not accepted and be willing to express it, not "suck it up" just to keep the peace. And at the same time, he has to be able to handle his feeling better, and not go off in one of his pissy moods when things don't go perfectly as they should. Couples disagree, it happens all the time, but they can do some in a healthy manner. Trust me, my wife and I are literally complete opposites of one another, I couldn't even keep track on how many things we have disagreed on. But it is in the fact that we can both express our disagreement and don't resort to insult, but rather discuss the matter that make the disagreement not only okay, but it teaches us more about each other.This I completely agree with. When I say that my ex and I never had a fight or an argument, I'm not saying that we never disagreed on anything. Because there were several things we disagreed on, but we did so in a healthy mature way, which is kind of ironic considering that I've had zero relationship experience, and she's only 21. I also can't imagine ever calling a pain in the ass. Nor can I imagine her taking that. From what I can tell, Phoe's BF isn't afraid that she'll leave, or else he'd try to avoid having fights with her and giving her such labels. It looks to me like he just doesn't care anymore. Edited May 7, 2014 by somedude81 2
Eternal Sunshine Posted May 7, 2014 Posted May 7, 2014 I agree. In isolation, this incident wasn't that big of a deal, not nearly as big as people are trying to make it. You were grouchy; he called you a pain in the ass. This happens in relationships. Phoe is an adult--a young, fairly inexperienced one when it comes to relationships--but an adult nonetheless. She needs to do what she feels is best for her life and relationship, and if she makes the wrong decisions, that's OK because that's how we learn to make better ones next time. I think we should offer her advice, but trust her to do what is best for herself in this moment (and that may change next week). Most of us have been in situations we should have extracted ourselves from sooner. People get out of these situations when they are ready, not when they are constantly pestered to do so. Exactly. It's annoying to read these pile-ons. This guy is somewhat controlling, clueless and selfish. Phoe is too agreeable and conflict avoidant. It takes two to tango. Calling someone "pain in the ass" in frustration was blown out of proportion. All relationships have problems, especially if you are introspective and over-analyzer as Phoe seems to be. This guy sounds like a typical 20 something and the relationship sounds like one of those that you look back years down the line and think "ugh". All in good time though. 2
Ruby Slippers Posted May 7, 2014 Posted May 7, 2014 the relationship sounds like one of those that you look back years down the line and think "ugh". All in good time though. I agree with that. But I don't really care about the guy. My interest is in being one more voice to point out to Phoe how she's repeating her lifelong pattern of attracting abusive or borderline abusive, selfish, mean guys, then walking on eggshells around them and beating herself up for being the problem in the relationship. That isn't going to get her anywhere, so she needs to be aware of it. This guy does seem to be less threatening than the abject abusers from her past, so I guess that's progress. 6
somedude81 Posted May 10, 2014 Posted May 10, 2014 (edited) Hey Phoe, how did your birthday go? I hope he wasn't a smhoe. That would just blow, you know? Edited May 10, 2014 by somedude81
SJC2008 Posted May 10, 2014 Posted May 10, 2014 Phoe you're BF may "typically" be nice but I think he is selfish, controlling and manipulative. You're a good woman and I know you can do better.
SJC2008 Posted May 10, 2014 Posted May 10, 2014 I agree with that. But I don't really care about the guy. My interest is in being one more voice to point out to Phoe how she's repeating her lifelong pattern of attracting abusive or borderline abusive, selfish, mean guys, then walking on eggshells around them and beating herself up for being the problem in the relationship. That isn't going to get her anywhere, so she needs to be aware of it. This guy does seem to be less threatening than the abject abusers from her past, so I guess that's progress. It's a hard pattern to brake. When you blame yourself you're projecting on yourself. I do it but now that I'm aware of it I try to monitor it.
Author Phoe Posted May 10, 2014 Author Posted May 10, 2014 Hey Phoe, how did your birthday go? I hope he wasn't a smhoe. That would just blow, you know? Overall my birthday was nice. Went to work, had a pleasant workday, came home and played a little Assassins Creed, then went to my boyfriends house for the evening. He got me dominos and my favorite snack, and gave me a backrub before I went home. Today I'm having lunch with my parents, which should be a nice time 1
somedude81 Posted May 10, 2014 Posted May 10, 2014 Overall my birthday was nice. Went to work, had a pleasant workday, came home and played a little Assassins Creed, then went to my boyfriends house for the evening. He got me dominos and my favorite snack, and gave me a backrub before I went home. Today I'm having lunch with my parents, which should be a nice time Cool, that sounds like it was a good time. He even knew your favorite snack.
Leigh 87 Posted May 11, 2014 Posted May 11, 2014 Happy birthday for the other day!! Wth, he got you to drive to him? He should have told you to put your feet up and relax and came to you. And gotten you a gift. My bf is broke but he managed to get mme a nice perfume for my b day, which was 1 month th after we met. I think you are settling for less than what you can get.
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