No say in what I do for my birthday?

[Phoe]

I just got back from my birthday "celebration".

 

The celebration I didn't know would be happening today and wasn't prepared to have today.

 

 

I'm very frustrated at myself and very confused at my boyfriend's mindset today.

 

 

Monday is my day off, and Monday is the day I don't see my boyfriend, because he goes to work and then has school until about 9 PM. Because of this, I always plan to do my errands, laundry, cleaning, and other responsibilities on this day.

 

 

I was in the middle of doing stuff around 4 when he calls me. The freeway has been totally shut down, he can't make it to school and needs to be picked up 2 towns over.

 

 

I was busy with stuff, but since he needed a ride I dropped what I was doing, threw on some gym shorts and a sweatshirt, threw my hair up in a mess, and took off to go get him.

 

 

The plan was that I would pick him up, drop him off at home, and go back home to finish up the stuff I was doing.

 

 

When I pick him up he says "Hey, wanna go to the bar, play some pool, and eat some fries?" I said no, I wasn't really feeling up to doing that since I had stuff to do at home and was looking like a just rolled out of bed bum. I wasn't expecting to get out of the truck at all, so I didn't get dressed properly. He told me to go home and change then. I still said no, as that was quite a long round trip drive and a lot of gas.

 

 

Well he didn't like that I said no, and was silent for the entire 30 minute car ride home. By the time we got there, I felt guilty and didn't want this to turn into a fight, so I told him I'd go ahead and go home to change and hurry back.

 

 

He protested at first and acted like he didn't want me to do that, but quickly gave that up and agreed.

 

 

Once I got home I just felt so drained. I'd driven around town, looked a mess, hadn't showered, just felt yucky, had a pile of incomplete tasks from the day just looming over me, and was overall just having too much anxiety. I was shaking and felt sickly.

 

 

I got ready, drove to pick him up, and went to the bar. As we arrive he says "Happy early birthday, this is your birthday celebration."

 

 

I just bite my tongue, smile, and say thank you. This is not what I would have chosen at all, but I am thankful that he tried. I'm just confused because he's normally so good with surprises, that this sudden sort of... cluelessness, really caught me off guard.

 

 

Going to the bar to play pool and eat fries is fun every now and then, but it's more HIS thing. Not mine. I just felt frustrated that my birthday celebration was on his terms, where he wanted, WHEN he wanted. I couldn't even get a drink because I was the driver. He got a beer.

 

 

I did tell him that I would have felt more comfortable had we done this on a day where I could have known in advance. So I could at least shower and not have a bunch of errands planned. He got frustrated at this and I realized the only way for us not to fight was for me to just be quiet, smile, and thank him for the rest of the evening.

 

 

He called me a pain in the ass at least 3 times tonight. I understand that for him, there's nothing wrong with what he did. He unexpectedly had the evening off, and wanted to take me out for an early birthday. In his eyes, I'm being ungrateful and high maintenance. He even tried to get me to just wear a pair of his pants instead of going home to get dressed.

 

 

I'm proud of myself for being flexible. I put aside my anxiety and dropped all the reasons in my head for why tonight wasn't good, and just went and was grateful towards him. I wish he would understand that. That I made a big step tonight in pushing past my discomfort with the whole situation. But instead he just rolls his eyes and says I'm a stubborn pain in his ass.

 

 

In the end, the night wasn't unpleasant. Pool was fun, we had a few laughs, and I truly was happy that I got to see him on a day when I normally wouldn't. The entire situation was just... exhausting and frustrating for me. His inability to understand my discomfort saddens me. And my struggle with being flexible saddens me. I dont want to be like this. I wish I could've just gone to the bar without a protest. But I couldn't. And for that, I feel ungrateful and like I'm not a very good girlfriend.

[Candy_Pants]

Weren't you just saying what a chivalrous gentleman your bf was??

[Phoe]

Weren't you just saying what a chivalrous gentleman your bf was??

 

He's typically very thoughtful, this confused me. It seems backwards that in the beginning his surprises were so thoughtful, and now that time has passed it's like all the things he knows about me suddenly left his mind.

[somedude81]

Happy Birthday Phoe!

 

Reading about what happened to you breaks my heart

 

Why do you keep writing such sad things about this man?

[Phoe]

Happy Birthday Phoe!

 

Reading about what happened to you breaks my heart

 

Why do you keep writing such sad things about this man?

 

Not til Thursday!

 

 

 

 

More and more I feel like I can't really write here anymore when there's trouble in my relationship. I'm kind of already regretting it, but I've got nowhere else to vent when something is bugging me.

[Candy_Pants]

He's typically very thoughtful, this confused me. It seems backwards that in the beginning his surprises were so thoughtful, and now that time has passed it's like all the things he knows about me suddenly left his mind.

 

There's so much evidence to the contrary, but I won't kick you while you're down.

 

Why do you insist on avoiding conflict when he starts sh it anyway??

 

Phoe, you could do with sticking up for yourself. Tell him that tonight wasn't about you AT ALL. And tell him he's free to make it up to you on _________.

[Candy_Pants]

More and more I feel like I can't really write here anymore when there's trouble in my relationship. I'm kind of already regretting it, but I've got nowhere else to vent when something is bugging me.

I had to make the choice to not write about my R on another forum when all my threads started becoming about my H and our problems.

 

Find a select few posters (or friends) who you trust and talk to them about these things.

[somedude81]

Not til Thursday!

Oh, OK. NVM then.

 

Maybe he can give you a real birthday thing.

 

 

More and more I feel like I can't really write here anymore when there's trouble in my relationship. I'm kind of already regretting it, but I've got nowhere else to vent when something is bugging me.

Phoe, the problem isn't that you're venting here, the problem is that you have to vent at all.

 

I really like seeing you post on this forum and I don't want you to leave. I also want you to feel comfortable where you can share your issues here. But there has to be a point where you realize there is a reason why you post what you do, and you get the responses you do.

 

The people here, including me truly believe we have your best intentions in mind.

 

I want you to be happy, you're such an amazing woman and you deserve to be happy.

 

And it's just frustrating.

[Omei]

First off happy birthday!

 

The only part of his frustration I understand is the man to woman thing about him being able to go on a whim and us girls need to get a little dolled up before a bar occasion. That will never change I wouldn't go to a bar unshowered with cleaning clothes on ither.

 

You were extreamly flexible you pretty much picked him up took him where he wanted to go what he wanted to do

 

I'd of just left him at the bar instead of being his taxi for the night after all the things he said, but I get you its likely he'd just add "now she's a bitchhh" with no thought about why you may do such a thing.

 

Sometimes they just dont get it never will you just gotta accept it (the his idea about what a party for you is) NOT the rude stuff.

[iiiii]

Wait till his bday, then surprise him by taking him out to watch a girlie movie and get a manicure with you.

[Phoe]

"now she's a bitchhh" with no thought about why you may do such a thing.

 

Sometimes they just dont get it never will you just gotta accept it (the his idea about what a party for you is) NOT the rude stuff.

 

Exactly. In his eyes he was just being sweet and taking me out on a whim. Why on earth should I be anything less than thrilled?

 

 

 

 

I'm just tired of being stubborn though. I truly am quite a Taurus. I am very stubborn with him, and I hold my ground on things with him very often. But this was not the time for that. I chose to go ahead and just be flexible because I knew I'd come off as an ungrateful bitch if I did anything other than quietly accept, and I knew we'd be fighting all night as well.

 

 

As it is, he hasn't responded to a single text since I've gotten home, so for all I know, he is mad at me anyway. I don't even know.

[Candy_Pants]

If you were my friend I'd shake the sh it out of you girl.

 

You're worried if HE'S mad at YOU??

 

Damn girl. He's mind fu cked you real good.

[Phoe]

Wait till his bday, then surprise him by taking him out to watch a girlie movie and get a manicure with you.

 

a girlie movie and a manicure would be a very painful and unpleasant day for me, lol.

 

 

 

 

his birthday was December 25th. I didn't do anything crazy for his birthday, but I think I did alright. I planned for us to celebrate a few days after Christmas, so that I could spoil him both for xmas and his birthday. I didn't wanna lump it all in as one, cause I know a lot of Christmas babies just had their birthday lumped in with Christmas while growing up.

 

 

I took him to a place an hour away that he'd mentioned a handful of times he super duper wanted to go to, we had dinner there, and gave him a gift card to shop for anything he wanted while we were down there.

 

 

And of course there were the more intimate, at home "gifts" I gave him for the evening.

[Phoe]

If you were my friend I'd shake the sh it out of you girl.

 

You're worried if HE'S mad at YOU??

 

Damn girl. He's mind fu cked you real good.

 

I'm worried if he's mad, because all of my actions tonight was me attempting to avoid conflict so we could just have a peaceful pleasant night, and despite all those attempts, it STILL looks like it didn't work

 

 

I don't want conflict. I don't want drama. I just want peace with me and him.

[somedude81]

I'm worried if he's mad, because all of my actions tonight was me attempting to avoid conflict so we could just have a peaceful pleasant night, and despite all those attempts, it STILL looks like it didn't work

 

 

I don't want conflict. I don't want drama. I just want peace with me and him.

You know that thread about settling?

 

This is settling.

[Candy_Pants]

I'm worried if he's mad, because all of my actions tonight was me attempting to avoid conflict so we could just have a peaceful pleasant night, and despite all those attempts, it STILL looks like it didn't work

 

 

I don't want conflict. I don't want drama. I just want peace with me and him.

 

Honey, peace takes effort on both ends. You are simply a doormat. I feel bad that you can't stand up for yourself even just a little bit.

[Phoe]

I really like seeing you post on this forum and I don't want you to leave. I also want you to feel comfortable where you can share your issues here. But there has to be a point where you realize there is a reason why you post what you do, and you get the responses you do.

 

Sometimes I get frustrated and want to walk away from LS. Or at least take a break.

 

 

99% of the time I am incredibly happy in my relationship. I always feel lucky, and blessed.

 

 

But it feels so derpy to come here and brag about the awesomeness. So the awesome stuff doesn't get mentioned so much.

 

 

But when the problems arise, I start to feel like I may as well just keep it to myself. I already know how posters are going to react. May as well stay silent. But after tonight I just needed to write it out. If for nothing else than to clear my head.

[Phoe]

Honey, peace takes effort on both ends. You are simply a doormat. I feel bad that you can't stand up for yourself even just a little bit.

 

I stand up for myself all the time!

 

 

I still cannot comprehend how, time and time again, people call me a doormat, when the majority of the time with my boyfriend, I am stubborn and I hold my ground.

 

 

He calls me a pain in the ass because it's true. I'm a pain in the ass.

 

 

Tonight, for once, I felt like NOT being a pain in the ass, and being flexible on this, despite my discomfort.

 

 

Coming across as completely unappreciative of what he thought was a totally kind gesture, just wasn't on my list of things to do today.

[lollipopspot]

He called me a pain in the ass at least 3 times tonight... In his eyes, I'm being ungrateful and high maintenance. ...I made a big step tonight in pushing past my discomfort with the whole situation. But instead he just rolls his eyes and says I'm a stubborn pain in his ass.

 

This would annoy the hell out of me. That's calling you a name, rather than addressing the need that you were having.

[Phoe]

This would annoy the hell out of me. That's calling you a name, rather than addressing the need that you were having.

 

I agree with him that I'm a pain, but in that moment when I'd stepped outside my comfort zone for his benefit, being called that irked me. Definitely bad timing for that.

[Candy_Pants]

People only see what you post here. About his hissy fits, him trying to get you to have sex with other men, etc etc etc.

 

You're NOT a pain in the ass. It saddens me to even read that you think that.

[somedude81]

Sometimes I get frustrated and want to walk away from LS. Or at least take a break.

Oh I know exactly how you feel. I've gotten very frustrated with the people on this forum many times.

 

But I know that there are good people on here too so I keep coming back. Though I just put the bad apples on ignore.

99% of the time I am incredibly happy in my relationship. I always feel lucky, and blessed.

I'm curious, how much time do you spend with him? I know he works and goes to school for most of the day. How many days a week on average do you see him, and for how long?

 

 

But it feels so derpy to come here and brag about the awesomeness. So the awesome stuff doesn't get mentioned so much.

That's just human nature, we tend to focus on the bad things.

 

Go ahead and make threads about all the great things happening with him. You might not get any replies but at least you'd feel better

 

But when the problems arise, I start to feel like I may as well just keep it to myself. I already know how posters are going to react. May as well stay silent. But after tonight I just needed to write it out. If for nothing else than to clear my head.

Are you feeling better?

 

BTW, what kind of birthday celebration do you want? There is still time for him to do something for you.

[lollipopspot]

I agree with him that I'm a pain, but in that moment when I'd stepped outside my comfort zone for his benefit, being called that irked me. Definitely bad timing for that.

 

I'm legitimately a pain in the ass sometimes too. But I want my partner to help identify the need and help me to deal with my anxiety or whatever rather than calling me a name! That doesn't help. It will just make me feel worse about myself.

[Phoe]

People only see what you post here. About his hissy fits, him trying to get you to have sex with other men, etc etc etc.

 

You're NOT a pain in the ass. It saddens me to even read that you think that.

 

He's stubborn. I'm stubborn. Capricorn and Taurus. Goat and Bull butting heads. He is easily dismayed when it he thinks I am displeased with something he's done, which can result in a bit of a fit of anger.

 

 

Yes, he has a cuckolding fetish. He knows I am not comfortable with this and never will be. He has been given the choice to leave and be with a girl who will happily hook up with men and get a free pass. He did not want this. He chose to put the fantasy aside in favor of staying with me.

 

 

I'm definitely a pain. But I was trying my damnedest NOT to be tonight. And it did not work. Woop!

[ltjg45]

If a person like Phoe is considered a "pain in the ass", then the American dating scene is truly screwed.

 

Because the first female person that I wouldn't call that first is Phoe, of all people.