somedude81 Posted May 6, 2014 Posted May 6, 2014 .....what for the record even is Pho? Vietnamese soup! Noodles and beef in broth, with some sprouts, basil, sriracha sauce, onions. MMMM Ahhh sounds good!!! Pho is actually pretty good. Though it's more about what you put in the broth to add flavor. I like it spicy. I used to get pho with somebody I used to know. She knew of a nice little place that was always busy. She used to get on my case when I pronounced it phoe
Ruby Slippers Posted May 6, 2014 Posted May 6, 2014 She's actually posted a few times what has happened to her to make her this way. Well, I just read a few snippets you pointed to, but I'm still not getting any back story. I see Phoe saying that she's always the victim of men's abuse. So she sees herself as a victim, and continues to play that role in this current relationship. The recurrent abuse that she describes is not something that I've ever experienced, in spite of a sketchy childhood with an emotionally and verbally abusive dad, because I would never, ever tolerate that kind of treatment when I have any choice in the matter. I'd rather be alone forever than live with an abusive *******. Phoe tolerates it, and seems to find some comfort of familiarity in it. I just worry that he's going to get really mad some day and take the abusive behavior to another level. Guys like this often do. And I worry that Phoe will continue to take it because he's convinced her she's "being a pain in the ass". Phoe, you can do SO MUCH BETTER than this guy. Like, 100 times better. 5
Author Phoe Posted May 6, 2014 Author Posted May 6, 2014 I don't think my boyfriend's abusive at all. Not even remotely. He frustrates me, but I'm not being abused. Being raped by someone I thought was a friend, being hit and violently shaken by an ex, living with a verbally and attempted physically abusive grandfather, being cheated on and left, being trashcanned in high school and locked in lockers, being thrown in the trunk of a car, having rocks thrown at me, having people spit in my food in the cafeteria, being totally bullied beyond all belief, my dad got so tired of seeing me come home in tears everyday, he finally transferred me to a totally new school district. Complete strangers calling me fat or ugly. Having beer poured on me. Being made fun of during sex, or called chunky. ^^^THAT STUFF. That's abuse. My boyfriend being grouchy when he doesn't get his way is not abuse. It's frustrating! Absolutely. That's why I'm here venting. I am not being abused.
somedude81 Posted May 7, 2014 Posted May 7, 2014 What he did to you that inspired your "He's dumping me" thread was emotional abuse. Something to read if you are curious Signs of Emotional Abuse | World of Psychology 1
lino Posted May 7, 2014 Posted May 7, 2014 Very depressing to read. You are a great girl and deserve way better. WAY better. A chivalrous man, like you claimed this guy is, doesn't do, say or act like this. Hopefully you realise this soon and do better for yourself Phoe. 1
Author Phoe Posted May 7, 2014 Author Posted May 7, 2014 You are pissing in the wind and only getting yourself wet. She is going to see this through even if its years. She doesn't care if he gets better, remains the same or gets worse. She will vent here more and share good, bad and worse behavior. Don't mistake that for her wanting to leave, for a solution, an outcome or help. If / When he finally does dump her ass, don't be surprised when the next guy she chooses is even worse and repeats the same process. That is how these people work and they very rarely break the pattern / cycle. The hell is wrong with you?!? How utterly disrespectful of you to come into my thread and talk down about me like I'm not even here. Please leave. 7
veggirl Posted May 7, 2014 Posted May 7, 2014 Phoe have you been in therapy to work through all those awful things that have happened to you? I feel so badly for you, like I said in your last thread and like has been mentioned here, just because this guy isn't as bad as what you've experienced before doesn't mean he is good for you. It doesn't even sound like you've seen healthy relationships around you, you've mentioned your best friend and her relationships and those sound really awful. Even if your bf isn't abusive...well, so? He shouldn't be, most people aren't. That doesn't make most people a great match for you. Maybe your bf truly is super sweet "99%" of the time, but the "1%" you post about is really awful and reason enough to leave. Do you think the first few months should include so much strife? 5
gaius Posted May 7, 2014 Posted May 7, 2014 Every time people say this to me, I feel like I'm shouting from on top of a mountain, yet no one can hear me. I stand up to him ALL THE TIME. I am stubborn, I dig my heels in, and this is precisely why I'm a pain in the ass to him. I refused to move in with him. I refused to get engaged. I refused to participate in his cuckold fetish, and refused to accept him even talking about it in bed anymore. And that's just the bigger things. Little things? All the time. I get my way more often than he gets his way. In this instance? He was attempting to do something for me and it was SO not worth it getting into a fight last night by acting unappreciative. Totally not worth it. You're right. You do stand up to him. I guess I should clarified it better by saying standing up to him more than you do. It seems like he feels safe to ride roughshod over you in a lot of areas. It wouldn't have been out of bounds to express disappointment in this particular situation. 2
somedude81 Posted May 7, 2014 Posted May 7, 2014 In my limited experience, overall I feel that he disrespects you too often. How many times has he called you a pain in the ass, or given you the silent treatment or yelled at you, accused you of cheating, told you that you look horrible etc? I was with my ex for six months, how many times do you think I called her a pain in the ass, or said that she looked bad or gave her the silent treatment or anything like that at all? Zero. How many times has he made you cry? Has he ever called you a bitch, or anything similar? In my thread, you said that you cringed when I called my ex a bitch. I did so because of very hard feelings towards her from leaving me. The love I felt towards her has evaporated, and I haven't forgiven her yet. That's why I was able to use such a word towards her. It boggles my mind how somebody could call their current GF that. I was hardly the worlds best boyfriend, because if I was, she wouldn't have left me. Though I look at what you put up with, and it's just shocking to me. If your BF had dated my ex, he wouldn't have lasted a month with her. Phoe, you have been damaged by your past and it affects your perception of what you feel is OK. I wish I knew what to say that could help you understand. My greatest fear is that he will be the cause of another of your scars. 4
somedude81 Posted May 7, 2014 Posted May 7, 2014 (edited) You said you were here to vent. - I agreed. You said you do not believe you are being abused. - I agreed. You said that he isn't as bad as the last BF - I agreed. You said that you do not believe he is a bad bf - I agreed. You said you do not believe there is a reason to break up - I agreed. You said that you are sticking with him / relationship - I agreed. You said that you are not unhappy - I agreed. I'm not the one telling you to break up, you need to get Professional Help, your Ex is an abuser, you deserve better, etc. the other posters are telling you what you should think / do / feel / etc. So I am not sure what I said that struck a nerve but I am just repeating and agreed with what you have said yourself. Dude your wording and overall tone in that post was very disrespectful to her. Edited May 7, 2014 by somedude81 2
Author Phoe Posted May 7, 2014 Author Posted May 7, 2014 How many times has he called you a pain in the ass, or given you the silent treatment or yelled at you, accused you of cheating, told you that you look horrible etc? How many times has he made you cry? Has he ever called you a bitch, or anything similar? My greatest fear is that he will be the cause of another of your scars. There's no point in counting how many times he's called me a pain in the ass. It's his go to when he's frustrated. Sometimes it's "Pain in the ass that I can't live without." He's never yelled or raised his voice at me. Silent treatment maybe 2-3 times. The cheating insinuation was once, and telling me I looked horrible was once (and he is STILL apologizing for that). I've cried I think twice. He hasn't called me a bitch. He doesn't call me names (pain in the ass is the only one). Getting physical with me is something that is not even a thought in my head. He protects me. He does not hurt me. Never would. 2
somedude81 Posted May 7, 2014 Posted May 7, 2014 OK, I'm glad that there is no name calling and he has never raised his voice at you. Pain in the ass is still a label. It's never a term of endearment. The silent treatment doesn't seem to be that often, but it can last for a few days right? Getting physical with me is something that is not even a thought in my head. He protects me. He does not hurt me. Never would. I wasn't talking about physical scars. I hope to God that if he ever physically hurt you, that you would take off, and never look back. Emotionally, things are happening. Though you've been through much worse. Thank you for answering my questions Phoe.
veggirl Posted May 7, 2014 Posted May 7, 2014 (edited) There's no point in counting how many times he's called me a pain in the ass. It's his go to when he's frustrated. Sometimes it's "Pain in the ass that I can't live without." He's never yelled or raised his voice at me. Silent treatment maybe 2-3 times. The cheating insinuation was once, and telling me I looked horrible was once (and he is STILL apologizing for that). I've cried I think twice. He hasn't called me a bitch. He doesn't call me names (pain in the ass is the only one). Getting physical with me is something that is not even a thought in my head. He protects me. He does not hurt me. Never would. Then what's the problem? If he's so great, what's the problem? Don't you get it? If he was so great, there wouldn't be these problems that you post about...yet they all stem from HIM....except he's so great............ Does this add up to you? Edited May 7, 2014 by veggirl 5
Ruby Slippers Posted May 7, 2014 Posted May 7, 2014 He doesn't call me names (pain in the ass is the only one). That is calling you a name - a "pain in the ass". And you said earlier in the thread that he repeated it several times. I seriously cannot imagine tolerating that kind of treatment even once. The idea of staying with a guy so callous and childish that he calls me a pain in the ass?!?! Sounds completely absurd. And that's just the tip of the iceberg of many verbally and emotionally abusive (or borderline abusive) things this guy has done. These are also early days, when he's showing you his BEST side. 2
MrNate 2.0 Posted May 7, 2014 Posted May 7, 2014 I have to say, personally, the early birthday celebration was a farce, a cover-up. I have a feeling, he needed the ride, wanted to eat fries, have beers and play pool, and knowing that you weren't too thrilled about it -- turned it around and made it out to be your birthday celebration so you'd just shut up, feel grateful and go along with his needs. Yep. Actually, I'll just go ahead and say it: You might want to make sure he's not seeing anyone else. Also that you may want to find out exactly what you're getting from this dynamic, because it's pretty clear you're getting something out of this that you enjoy. Respect isn't one of them, however. 3
Els Posted May 7, 2014 Posted May 7, 2014 The hell is wrong with you?!? How utterly disrespectful of you to come into my thread and talk down about me like I'm not even here. Please leave. See, that wasn't so hard, was it? Now, if you'd apply some of this to your relationships.... 4
Els Posted May 7, 2014 Posted May 7, 2014 Edit: Okay, just to clarify; I'm not saying you don't ever stand up to him. Good on you for not wanting any part in his cuckold fetish. But, c'mon, don't you think you're trying to convince yourself a little too hard that his behaviour here was perfectly fine? If it hadn't bugged you, you wouldn't have made a thread about it. It doesn't matter that he paid for the fries and pool, because that's what he wanted to do! He got you to drive him there, and ignored everything you said about what you wanted to do. How can he just be excused as 'clueless with noble intentions' when you'd straight out said what you wanted to do? It's clear as day to everyone reading this (unless you'd omitted something HUGE about how you told him in the past that your secret birthday wish was an evening of pool and fries while being the designated driver) that he was being selfish in this instance. Period. Of course, none of us can tell you what to do about it because you're an adult and it's your prerogative to decide at the end of the day. 5
contact1 Posted May 7, 2014 Posted May 7, 2014 Honestly, as I start reading this and the other threads, and think on it as I sit here bored at work, I don't think the bf is the master manipulator that most people (including myself) make him out to be. I think the bf here is very inexperienced with dating and the dynamics, as is Phoe. As much as Phoe is afraid that he will one day leave her, the bf seems to be just as afraid of her leaving him. Take for example the whole moving in and marriage thing. He is in such a rush to have both of these done, to make the relationship move forward very fast, or permanent if you will, out of fear of it ending. The basis of both situations being done so poorly, one with moving in with his mother I believe, the other a proposal during the fetish crisis, is really bad judgement and inexperience, possibly even desperation. And than you can go into the whole fetish incident. Whatever the fetish may be, it is not something you can really judge, anyone can have fantasies, and to what point they become too far is different for everywhere, what might be okay for one person may be crossing the line for another. He went first in saying it was a fantasy to it than being a test, due to his fear of her cheating. Again inexperience and insecurities here of her leaving. Thus, out of that fear, he changes his story about it being a test, due to fearing of her leaving because of this fetish. It is obvious they have discusses the whole situation, due to Phoe commenting on what the fetish really means to the bf, which is where my believe of this reactions being out of fear comes from. The being silent and getting quite when upset, I can relate to that, as I can be very stubborn and when I am upset, I tend to get quiet and desire to be left alone. I don't go to the extreme of just cutting off all communication, but I don't want to be talked to . This whole "early" birthday incident was on fault with the bf, Phoe clearly expressed she wanted to eat Pho (which I will agree with the others is hella bomb and is making me want to go get some now) but he went with something he wanted to do. It would have been better if he didn't even make it a birthday thing and just expressed he wanted to go to a bar and play pool, which is what it really was. In his mind, I'm thinking he probably thought "I'll just call out from work since Phoe is here, and we can go play pool / eat at a bar as an early birthday thing for her, and get to spend time together", then, when friction on it started to come up, he got upset (again from the severe lack of dating experience) and went into his mood of thinking, probably along the lines that he had just thought this up and now it isn't going as planned. I would also bet he already has something else planned, for her actual birthday, this was more on a whim. Again he was in the wrong for this, but I don't see it as the monumental disaster that everything should be broken and done with, this stems from the other post that comes from their dating scene. And in there lies the problem. The issue Phoe is having with other LS posters, is the same dynamic as a wife that complains to her mother about issues in the marriage. I had this very problem with my wife early in our marriage. Whenever there was an issue between her and I, she would go to her mom to talk and vent about it. The issue was this was mostly all the mother was hearing. So in her mind, she is thinking "why is my daughter putting up with this man" because all she ever heard was the bad parts about the marriage. This painted the image to her that I was an awful husband, who was only hurting her daughter constantly. A lot has happened since than and I won't go into all the details, but after many argument and some MC, my wife realized what her venting, or airing her dirty laundry to her mother, was doing, both to her mother and to our marriage. If all we are being told is the bad things, that's the image we are going to have. And when she defends him, we see it as just "she's blind to the whole thing, look at how awful he is being", hence the barrage of responses. Phoe has even admitted on here she feels weird talking about how wonderful the relationship is, so we rarely ever see that aspect of it. In a nut shell, I don't believe this man would ever be physically abusive towards Phoe, and I don't believe he is a scheming puppeteer that is pulling Phoe's string into his world. He is just really, really bad in relationship dynamics and how to handle his emotions, due to inexperience, and this very evident in Phoe also. She has this constant feeling that she is not good enough in the relationship, and on the same note, I'm sure he is feeling the same way. The thing is Phoe, this can not go on forever. At some point, either you or him will call it quits if something doesn't change. The relationship will die because of it. You have to establish healthy boundaries of what is and what is not accepted and be willing to express it, not "suck it up" just to keep the peace. And at the same time, he has to be able to handle his feeling better, and not go off in one of his pissy moods when things don't go perfectly as they should. Couples disagree, it happens all the time, but they can do some in a healthy manner. Trust me, my wife and I are literally complete opposites of one another, I couldn't even keep track on how many things we have disagreed on. But it is in the fact that we can both express our disagreement and don't resort to insult, but rather discuss the matter that make the disagreement not only okay, but it teaches us more about each other. PS: When you do go get Pho, save me a bowl 6
Leigh 87 Posted May 7, 2014 Posted May 7, 2014 Contact, you could be right in that I have always suspected that there is a CHANCE that this man could genuinely have been smitten with Phoe and may actually have fallen in love with her in the same way as a normal bloke. The feelings could very well be there from his side, but the problem is: a few things he has done were very wrong. Many girls including myself would have left him because the things he has done have been bad enough to make a woman leave him. Love is not enough if he does not stop doing things that are totally unacceptable. He needs therapy if he has ANY hope of changing. If they honestly feel their love is special enough and not something that have ever felt and will likely never find AGAIN, perhaps couples counselling is the way to go? Yes counselling this early on his a VERY bad sign however, if they really are THAT in love, people move mountains to be with a person they truly cherish. 2
Shepp Posted May 7, 2014 Posted May 7, 2014 Pho is actually pretty good. Though it's more about what you put in the broth to add flavor. I like it spicy. I used to get pho with somebody I used to know. She knew of a nice little place that was always busy. She used to get on my case when I pronounced it phoe Nice! I've never come across a pho place in this country! Phoe - are you seeing him on your actual birthday too?
Els Posted May 7, 2014 Posted May 7, 2014 (edited) Nice! I've never come across a pho place in this country! Are you for real? I'd think there should be a few in London, heaps of Vietnamese folks migrated there... I love pho, too. Especially the ones with medium rare beef slices + beefballs. Definitely can't blame Phoe for having a craving for it. Is a 'boba smoothie' really a pearl milk tea? I've heard the terms used interchangeably... Edited May 7, 2014 by Elswyth
Shepp Posted May 7, 2014 Posted May 7, 2014 Are you for real? I'd think there should be a few in London, heaps of Vietnamese folks migrated there... I imagine that there must be in London! Just I guess I've never wandered upon them! I'll have to look it up! I love pho, too. Especially the ones with medium rare beef slices + beefballs. Definitely can't blame Phoe for having a craving for it. Is a 'boba smoothie' really a pearl milk tea? I've heard the terms used interchangeably... It sounds good! Is that bubble tea? 1
contact1 Posted May 7, 2014 Posted May 7, 2014 Boba, from what I have had, is tea with these little white balls on the bottom, not sure what they are exactly. It is fairly good, though the first time I had it I almost chocked on one pf those damn things. 1
crederer Posted May 7, 2014 Posted May 7, 2014 ehhh this sounds like pretty typical relationship stuff. No one's perfect 100 percent of the time. And I'll probably get flamed for this but as a man, dealing with women you have to read between the lines sometimes. For example the "I don't want anything for my birthday, just spend time with you". Then she gets upset about not getting a gift (not saying that fits you specifically just speaking in generalities) He just read the wrong line, I guess.
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