Zahara Posted May 6, 2014 Posted May 6, 2014 I have to say, personally, the early birthday celebration was a farce, a cover-up. I have a feeling, he needed the ride, wanted to eat fries, have beers and play pool, and knowing that you weren't too thrilled about it -- turned it around and made it out to be your birthday celebration so you'd just shut up, feel grateful and go along with his needs. 8
ltjg45 Posted May 6, 2014 Posted May 6, 2014 The issue I have with this isn't the fact that he did try to do something for Phoe on her birthday. It is obvious that he was using your own personal milestone as something he can take advantage of. That just doesn't sound like something a respectable boyfriend, who values his girlfriend, would do. You would expect that to happen on HIS birthday, not yours. But, then again, I have no issues letting others know that I can't, for the life of me, figure out why women does these things. It is mind-boggling, to say the least.
somedude81 Posted May 6, 2014 Posted May 6, 2014 Shortly after I gave him the silent treatment on the ride to drop him off at home, I did quickly say something to him. I said " I don't understand how you can be upset at me when I am incapable of dropping all my responsibilities last minute when I was under the impression I wouldn't see you at all today. I don't understand how you can be upset when I'm not prepared to go out to a bar without a seconds notice to at least be dressed and showered. How can you be upset at me for that? I got no response. He continued being silent the rest of the way home until I finally told him I'd go home and get dressed. Later, once we were inside the restaurant, I told him I appreciated what he did, but that I would have preferred to do it on Sunday so I could have been prepared and in the right mindset. We both are off next Sunday. After I said this he rolled his eyes and dropped his head, clearly he still found me unappreciative so from that point on I dropped it and just tried to enjoy my night. Everything you said to him was perfect. His reaction left much to be desired. He almost seems like a child that knew he screwed up but was too proud and our ashamed to admit it. And of coursed he called you a pain in the ass, trying to put the blame on you. Every time people say this to me, I feel like I'm shouting from on top of a mountain, yet no one can hear me. I stand up to him ALL THE TIME. I am stubborn, I dig my heels in, and this is precisely why I'm a pain in the ass to him. I refused to move in with him. I refused to get engaged. I refused to participate in his cuckold fetish, and refused to accept him even talking about it in bed anymore. And that's just the bigger things. Little things? All the time. I get my way more often than he gets his way.Dude, that's a lot of big things. It's basically been one major issue each month. How often do the little things occur? But. I'd mentioned twice in text yesterday how I was craving pho, but couldn't go get it because the pho place is 30 minutes away. And then on the way to get him, I told him I wanted to stop and get pho since we'd be driving past the place. He said OK. Once I got there he said "Instead of Pho, how about the bar?" I said I did not want to. From there on it just got all mucked up.That's what I said earlier, yesterday was all about him. He had zero concern for what you wanted. He even knew exactly what you wanted, and he still didn't care. And when you told him no, he didn't back down. Do you really think a fight about where you guys want to eat is normal in a relationship? His reaction's somewhat strange, a mixture of feeling nauseous while also being turned on. It's the act of being made jealous, of being made to feel inferior or degraded by seeing me do that with another man, that feeling is what turns him on. It's like in his heart he does not want to, but his penis really really wants to. He wants to feel inferior or degraded? Wants to be jealous? Any chance he talks bad about his penis? Says that it's small, or that he knows it's not good enough for you, anything like that? Yep, Taurus and Cappy are rough. We both dig in our heels. Between the both of us we both know we have to stop and think about what is and isn't worth being stubborn for in that instant. Often times he is the one to back down. Of course, those moments don't get mentioned here, because they're just run of the mill moments. I've done a little reading, but I don't think I've done enough. Look up the compatibility charts for Taurus and Virgo....... Had I flip flopped and flaked after I'd already said I'd be coming back, things would've just gotten worse.How much worse do you think it would have gotten? Try to imagine the most realistic outcome if you flip flopped. Something I was thinking about while laying in bed last night, was how he was the first person to ever do something for me on my birthday (other than my parents) He actually remembered it, and actually did something for me. Thats more than anyone else has ever done. When I was school age, my birthday was something that just came and went. My parents would say "happy birthday" and I might get a special dinner and my mom would bake a cake. Simple, it's what I was raised to expect. No parties, no special trips, just another day. Once I was 19 in college, everyone was like "WTF? You've never had a full birthday celebration? We must change that!" So the week of my birthday, my friends all made plans with me. I was gonna go do stuff, breakfast lunch and dinner were all covered, there'd be drinks, it was gonna be a fantastic day. My birthday arrived and everyone either forgot or had to cancel on me. It turned into another normal day. I went to school, came home and watched TV, then went to bed. My 20th birthday was the same. Cancelled plans. There was a fire about 20 miles away and my friends freaked out and all drove back to their hometowns and left me alone for the night. Since I had nothing else to do, I spent my 20th in a cat shelter helping take in abandoned cats from people being evacuated for the fire. For my 21st, I finally had a celebration. My parents took me to Vegas for a show and dinner. I was SO thrilled. 22nd, once again I was forgotten, but this time I hadn't bothered trying to make plans with anyone. I knew it was pointless. I spent the day in bed crying. My family forgot. I got no phone calls. I received 2 texts from old friends. 23rd and 24th I don't even remember. I treated them like normal days most likely, just went about my life as usual, pretty much was completely over having a birthday. But this year? My 25th? Someone actually tried. Someone remembered. And while it wasn't what I wanted and not WHEN I wanted, it still means a lot to me. He thought of me. He didn't forget.That's a very common theme with your story and how it involves him. You've had lots of bad things happen to you. He is the first guy to do X thing halfway decent, and it's the best you've ever had. You have very low expectations, though it's completely understandable. There is a silver lining. It sounds like it would be very easy to make your 26th b-day the best you've ever had
Author Phoe Posted May 6, 2014 Author Posted May 6, 2014 Then what was the need in creating this thread? When everyone forgot, he remembered. If what he did meant a lot to you regardless of your needs, I am not sure the motive in creating this thread. There was no motive. The whole thread is pointless. Carry on everyone. 1
Ruby Slippers Posted May 6, 2014 Posted May 6, 2014 You keep posting these threads because you know his behavior isn't normal or healthy. But you don't want to admit how messed up he is because you love him soooo much and he makes you feel like a princess 99% of the time. This is the same thing that beaten-down women say. "Except for when he's beating me, he's soooo sweet. He's a complex, angry man and can't help it. Oh, I love him so much I'll never leave!" I hope that someday you realize that you're an attractive, smart, sweet girl who will have no problem finding a wonderful man who will truly cherish and adore you - if only you value yourself more. I wonder what has happened to you to make you feel like you're worth so little that you have to put up with this? 11
clia Posted May 6, 2014 Posted May 6, 2014 Every time people say this to me, I feel like I'm shouting from on top of a mountain, yet no one can hear me. I stand up to him ALL THE TIME. I am stubborn, I dig my heels in, and this is precisely why I'm a pain in the ass to him. I refused to move in with him. I refused to get engaged. I refused to participate in his cuckold fetish, and refused to accept him even talking about it in bed anymore. Saying "no" to this stuff isn't an example of being stubborn or a pain in the ass. It's common sense. 6
somedude81 Posted May 6, 2014 Posted May 6, 2014 You keep posting these threads because you know his behavior isn't normal or healthy. But you don't want to admit how messed up he is because you love him soooo much and he makes you feel like a princess 99% of the time. This is the same thing that beaten-down women say. "Except for when he's beating me, he's soooo sweet. He's a complex, angry man and can't help it. Oh, I love him so much I'll never leave!" I hope that someday you realize that you're an attractive, smart, sweet girl who will have no problem finding a wonderful man who will truly cherish and adore you - if only you value yourself more. I wonder what has happened to you to make you feel like you're worth so little that you have to put up with this? She's actually posted a few times what has happened to her to make her this way. Her story is very very sad. Here are a couple of posts http://www.loveshack.org/forums/transitioning/search/473293-why-you-meet-them-when-you-aren-t-looking-true-some-people-4.html#post5661851 http://www.loveshack.org/forums/general/general-relationship-discussion/474550-how-horrible-have-girl-side-case-your-girlfriend-leaves-you-10.html#post5680542
sweetjasmine Posted May 6, 2014 Posted May 6, 2014 I'm offended on your behalf that he took you out for your birthday and you didn't even get to have a drink! What kind of birthday celebration is that? Sheesh. Except SHE took HIM out. Might as well tell her to swing by the supermarket and buy her own birthday cake, too, while he waits in the car. Sheesh, indeed. Being thoughtful is really easy when it involves someone else doing all the heavy-lifting. What did he actually do for you, Phoe? 4
MissBee Posted May 6, 2014 Posted May 6, 2014 (edited) I'm worried if he's mad, because all of my actions tonight was me attempting to avoid conflict so we could just have a peaceful pleasant night, and despite all those attempts, it STILL looks like it didn't work I don't want conflict. I don't want drama. I just want peace with me and him. I get this...but the danger with it is that if you have to always try sooo hard to maintain peace and especially when you're the one who always needs to try to not make him upset, you want to really think about how fair and sustainable that is. Phoe, I get that you feel like people may be criticizing your relationships or that they're only seeing the bad based on what you post. I'm not here to say he's a horrible guy or anything, as I'm sure he's not; but, from some posts you've posted about your relationship a theme I notice is this theme where he gets upset and is unreasonable or inconsiderate, he punishes you with silence or other passive aggressive behavior, you feel guilty and upset and you want to maintain the peace so you give in and smile through it and essentially shut up and try to be "flexible"....it can quickly slip into doormat territory. One person always doing something, in this case, trying to "keep the peace" is a recipe for disaster. Something is wrong with that picture. I've been there and done it before hon and realize how much anxiety and stress it causes when I've been with a man whom I am always running around trying to please and not have him upset with me....even when he's unreasonable versus being with a man who also cares if I'm upset and who works out our issues together and comes to a compromise or concedes sometimes. Trust me, the latter feels a lot better and is way healthier than the former, which is what you seem to do in your relationship. Some battles aren't worth it and yes sometimes a fight isn't worth it, but if you genuinely look at your relationship and find that you spend a lot of time trying to avoid fighting, trying to keep the peace, walking on egg shells and pretending you like things so that your bf isn't mad at you....is that what a healthy relationship is to you? You should be able to state your feelings and have an input on your own birthday....just like last time where you weren't feeling well and he wanted you to come to his house and all this and you didn't go and he got upset...it's like come on....why does everything get to be on his terms and why does he get rewarded for acting like a spoiled brat, even when he's supposedly doing something for you?? Planning something "nice" for someone but being controlling and selfish about it isn't really nice at all but still about this other person and their need to have their own way all the time. If I planned something for a friend or my boyfriend, and somehow didn't check in about their plans, but they weren't up to it and felt sick, I WOULD NOT insist they do it and get mad and give them the silent treatment...wtf?! If it's about them, then I'd probably tell them right then and there that I had tried to have a surprise thing but since they aren't up to it now we can reschedule for another day. I would try to be the one to accommodate them not twist their arm with emotional manipulation (that is what the silent treatment is, it's an emotionally manipulative tactic used by people to get their way esp when they know the other person will cave because they tend to be the pleaser who doesn't like to feel guilty). My 2 cents is that you should really pay attention to this pattern of you being the pleaser and you always walking on egg shells and faking it essentially to keep the peace...this will drain you eventually. In a good relationship you can argue or disagree but still listen and respect each other. You being silent and pretending everything is fine but having to vent about it later isn't resolving any issues. He just learns that he can get his way by emotionally manipulating you and then pretty much you have a relationship on his terms. I'm sure it's good when it's good, as with most relationships, but the true test of the strength of your relationship is how you manage conflict and do you do so in a healthy way. Every relationship is wonderful when you're agreeing but it's HOW you disagree that says more about your bond. If when conflict arises you avoid it by playing nice and downplaying your feelings and allowing him to get his way to "keep the peace", things aren't balanced and you will eventually resent him or will be in a relationship that is on his terms mostly. Edited May 6, 2014 by MissBee 6
veggirl Posted May 6, 2014 Posted May 6, 2014 Many people were very happy and excited for you when you met him phoe. There's a reason the tide has turned as far as people's opinions. IMO if you have to defend a relationship so much, well isn't it possible that it's just not right? You can't deny you've had major issues. Ime major conflict early on doesn't end well. It's kinda concerning the us against the world mentality you seem to have. Your bf has some screws loose but hey many people put up with a lot of stress and anxiety and crappy behavior before they finally have enough. You aren't the first and won't be the last, unfortunately. Is he getting his car fixed or whatever anytime soon? 3
MissBee Posted May 6, 2014 Posted May 6, 2014 Forgot to add: I see in your initial post you beating yourself up about why can't you be flexible why couldn't you not be upset about him being inconsiderate essentially....that's scary to me. Your relationship shouldn't have you stifling your opinions for the sake of peace or wishing you could be more passive. You aren't the type of person who is unreasonably controlling or inflexible from what I've seen...you are the opposite...too willing to please and too flexible it seems. So if you get it into your head that you're the problem and the solution is to say 'Yes dear" more...please know that that may be a sign that something is wrong here. 4
veggirl Posted May 6, 2014 Posted May 6, 2014 I'd ask him why he flat out ignored what I said I wanted to do(eat pho) in favor of what he wanted to do instead. I mean how much more selfish can you get. Hey it's your bday celebration but no we aren't doing what you said 5 min ago you'd like to do! Instead we are doing what I want to do! Yeah so thoughtful... 3
Zahara Posted May 6, 2014 Posted May 6, 2014 I'd ask him why he flat out ignored what I said I wanted to do(eat pho) in favor of what he wanted to do instead. I mean how much more selfish can you get. Hey it's your bday celebration but no we aren't doing what you said 5 min ago you'd like to do! Instead we are doing what I want to do! Yeah so thoughtful... The main reason why I said it was never about her birthday. It was a farce. He turned it all around and made it her birthday celebration because then she'd stop being pouty, she'd just be grateful, give in and he can have his beer, fries and pool. If it was all about her special day, he'd be planning it around what she desired to eat/enjoy, and not what HE desired to do. Besides, if the freeway wasn't shut down and he had class to attend, I wonder if there would have been a surprise celebration. 1
Author Phoe Posted May 6, 2014 Author Posted May 6, 2014 It is obvious that he was using your own personal milestone as something he can take advantage of. I kind of wonder if he just really wanted to play pool. He's going out with a buddy tonight to play pool again. I guess he's got the pool-playing bug. It's quite out of character, in the entire 6 months he's never gone out. But I know he's feeling old, he's got some kind of itch in him to suddenly go do things and enjoy his youth rather than act like an old man. I swear we act like a grandma and grandpa. We're old at heart. Falling asleep watching jeopardy. Any chance he talks bad about his penis? Says that it's small, or that he knows it's not good enough for you, anything like that? All the time and it makes me sad. Yes it's on the small side, 4 inches, but I love it. It's perfect for me. I worship and adore it and shower it with affection. It's the only penis to ever make me orgasm. He's the only man to have made me orgasm. I adore his penis and he just puts it down, calls it small, wishes it were bigger. The cuckolding fantasy of his is for a much larger penis, larger than his. A penis that could stretch me out. Being degraded by seeing a large penis stretching me is what turns him on. I wonder what has happened to you to make you feel like you're worth so little that you have to put up with this? The 2 posts somedude referenced seem to summarize it. Being thoughtful is really easy when it involves someone else doing all the heavy-lifting. What did he actually do for you, Phoe? He paid for the food and 2 rounds of pool Some battles aren't worth it and yes sometimes a fight isn't worth it, but if you genuinely look at your relationship and find that you spend a lot of time trying to avoid fighting, trying to keep the peace, walking on egg shells and pretending you like things so that your bf isn't mad at you....is that what a healthy relationship is to you? My 2 cents is that you should really pay attention to this pattern of you being the pleaser and you always walking on egg shells and faking it essentially to keep the peace...this will drain you eventually. In a good relationship you can argue or disagree but still listen and respect each other. You being silent and pretending everything is fine but having to vent about it later isn't resolving any issues. He just learns that he can get his way by emotionally manipulating you and then pretty much you have a relationship on his terms. I'm sure it's good when it's good, as with most relationships, but the true test of the strength of your relationship is how you manage conflict and do you do so in a healthy way. Every relationship is wonderful when you're agreeing but it's HOW you disagree that says more about your bond. If when conflict arises you avoid it by playing nice and downplaying your feelings and allowing him to get his way to "keep the peace", things aren't balanced and you will eventually resent him or will be in a relationship that is on his terms mostly. Thanks. This post stuck out to me because it seems the most rational and logical. It seems like the one that's closest to reality. He's not bad. He has unpleasant moments like anyone, and trying to find the right balance of flexibilty and holding me ground is not so easy. I am just boggled by suggestions along the lines of him needing to be locked up in a mental ward. It's way over the top! He's not insane, he's not a psychopath. Is he getting his car fixed or whatever anytime soon? He got it back on Sunday I'd ask him why he flat out ignored what I said I wanted to do(eat pho) in favor of what he wanted to do instead. I mean how much more selfish can you get. Hey it's your bday celebration but no we aren't doing what you said 5 min ago you'd like to do! Instead we are doing what I want to do! Yeah so thoughtful... I dunno. I AM gonna go get some pho and a boba smoothie right now though. I don't care about the 30 minute drive anymore.
Gaeta Posted May 6, 2014 Posted May 6, 2014 I am punching-in late here. Phoe: I am fairly new to this forum I have never read your previous threads. I got reading through this one and felt the strong affection that people on here have for you. People here have your best interest at heart even if sometimes what they say seems overwhelming. I would like you to remember at least 1 thing said on this thread, anything, and have thoughts on it. This that you said kept my attention: *Every time people say this to me, I feel like I'm shouting from on top of a mountain, yet no one can hear me. I stand up to him ALL THE TIME. I am stubborn, I dig my heels in, and this is precisely why I'm a pain in the ass to him. I refused to move in with him. I refused to get engaged. I refused to participate in his cuckold fetish, and refused to accept him even talking about it in bed anymore. And that's just the bigger things. Little things? All the time. I get my way more often than he gets his way.* A loving and happy relationship does not require for you to stand up for yourself constantly. It's smooth, easy, and it sails on its own. It's not about who gets his way most often. I will leave it at that, everything has been said already. 2
ltjg45 Posted May 6, 2014 Posted May 6, 2014 I kind of wonder if he just really wanted to play pool. He's going out with a buddy tonight to play pool again. I guess he's got the pool-playing bug. It's quite out of character, in the entire 6 months he's never gone out. But I know he's feeling old, he's got some kind of itch in him to suddenly go do things and enjoy his youth rather than act like an old man. I swear we act like a grandma and grandpa. We're old at heart. Falling asleep watching jeopardy. May I ask how old your boyfriend is again? Because with you being 25, the last thing you should be feeling is old. I am just showing concern that you both have no issues getting into arguments, neither is willing to compromise on the other, and that you also have low expectations of your BF. Lastly, to think he ENJOYS watching you get pounded by another guy while he is watching justs........rubs me the wrong way especially since you didn't agree to it at all. To see a wonderful woman like you go through this.....it feels like a nightmare to me and I am on the other side of this country.
somedude81 Posted May 6, 2014 Posted May 6, 2014 All the time and it makes me sad. Yes it's on the small side, 4 inches, but I love it. It's perfect for me. I worship and adore it and shower it with affection. It's the only penis to ever make me orgasm. He's the only man to have made me orgasm. I adore his penis and he just puts it down, calls it small, wishes it were bigger. The cuckolding fantasy of his is for a much larger penis, larger than his. A penis that could stretch me out. Being degraded by seeing a large penis stretching me is what turns him on. I knew it! He has some very deep psychological issues that focus on his penis and his perception of his masculinity. This also leads to him trying to express or try to prove his masculinity by being controlling. I know you try to make him feel better about it, but if it hasn't worked by this point, it's just not going to happen. As for him being the only man to make you orgasm, you just need to experience some more dudes. 3
ltjg45 Posted May 6, 2014 Posted May 6, 2014 Phoe, at the end of the day, I am convinced in saying that you can definitely find a much better man than your current boyfriend. A man that would be shocked that someone like you exists and is still single. I am quite confident on that and I am the kind of person that isn't confident overall. 1
Shepp Posted May 6, 2014 Posted May 6, 2014 I know he's no mind reader, it was just shocking because usually with stuff like this he's WONDERFUL and very thoughtful with the surprises. At this point I trusted him to give me a nice time for my birthday because all previous holidays and events he seemed perfectly capable and did a great job. This was out of the norm... But. I'd mentioned twice in text yesterday how I was craving pho, but couldn't go get it because the pho place is 30 minutes away. And then on the way to get him, I told him I wanted to stop and get pho since we'd be driving past the place. He said OK. Once I got there he said "Instead of Pho, how about the bar?" I said I did not want to. From there on it just got all mucked up. Sure, and your entitlaed to tell him that without it being seen as ungratefulness or a massive deal! "dude i wanted Pho" ......what for the record even is Pho? Look up the compatibility charts for Taurus and Virgo....... Or Taurus and Aries!! ..............worrying that the recurring theme in these is the bull 1
Haydn Posted May 6, 2014 Posted May 6, 2014 Phoe, I tend to agree with the others (Some). The surprise was more a night out for him. As for `size` worries on his part. Why? You are with him?? Does he not realise that if you had such an issue about it, then you wold not be with him and no words would be needed. I have never had a conversation about my `size`, with any girl. She was with me not some other bloke. But you like this bloke so there is something there maybe worth fighting for. Hope you solve it.
Author Phoe Posted May 6, 2014 Author Posted May 6, 2014 May I ask how old your boyfriend is again? Because with you being 25, the last thing you should be feeling is old. We are both 25, but are both more inclined to stay in, cook dinner, and watch jeopardy before bed, than go out to the bar. He had his partying days. He was in the Navy, was a wild drinker, and now he's grown out from it and for the last few years has been solely interested in starting his career, settling down, having a family, owning a house. The bar scene was no longer an interest. For maybe a week or two though, he says "Babe. We're so old. Why are we acting like old people?" So perhaps he's bored. And yes, we can go out, I have NOTHING against us having a night at the bar. The execution is what was off. And frankly, we don't have TIME lately for going out. We both work, me 40 hours a week him 60 hours a week, AND he goes to school Monday and Wednesday. But I would've been happy to plan to go to the bar on Sunday. As for him being the only man to make you orgasm, you just need to experience some more dudes. No! no no no. Blegh. I do not want other men ......what for the record even is Pho? Vietnamese soup! Noodles and beef in broth, with some sprouts, basil, sriracha sauce, onions. MMMM Phoe, I tend to agree with the others (Some). The surprise was more a night out for him. As for `size` worries on his part. Why? You are with him?? Does he not realise that if you had such an issue about it, then you wold not be with him and no words would be needed. I have never had a conversation about my `size`, with any girl. She was with me not some other bloke. But you like this bloke so there is something there maybe worth fighting for. Hope you solve it. I never stop complimenting his penis. I adore it and I make sure he knows it. And that turns him on too. (TMI) During foreplay I will kiss his penis, tell him how much I love it, and that alone gets him hard. I think ultimately, me adoring his penis turns him on MORE than the fantasy of being cuckolded. Reality overrides the fantasy, but he still has moments where he feels unhappy with his penis.
Shepp Posted May 6, 2014 Posted May 6, 2014 Vietnamese soup! Noodles and beef in broth, with some sprouts, basil, sriracha sauce, onions. MMMM Ahhh sounds good!!!
Chocolat Posted May 6, 2014 Posted May 6, 2014 Then what was the need in creating this thread? When everyone forgot, he remembered. If what he did meant a lot to you regardless of your needs, I am not sure the motive in creating this thread. Because maybe, deep down, Phoe realises that this year's effort is memorable only in contrast to the ****ty years she's had prior. This year is less ****ty, perhaps, but that doesn't make it good. 4
Zahara Posted May 6, 2014 Posted May 6, 2014 Because maybe, deep down, Phoe realises that this year's effort is memorable only in contrast to the ****ty years she's had prior. This year is less ****ty, perhaps, but that doesn't make it good. I know. I think deep down she realizes that she deserves better. The need to vent comes from being dissappointed and knowing that something isn't right, but when she hears what she doesn't want to hear, the mindset reverses into bargaining and accepting that it isn't so bad. 6
somedude81 Posted May 6, 2014 Posted May 6, 2014 No! no no no. Blegh. I do not want other men I actually meant that as more of a past tense thing. It goes with my running theme that you've had it horrible up until now and finally things are not horrible. But things can be better than not horrible. I think the true question to ask yourself is, "Am I truly 100% happy with him?" If not. Do you believe that you deserve to be with a man who you will be truly 100% happy with?
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