Smilecharmer Posted May 6, 2014 Posted May 6, 2014 Hi Phoe, I hope you won't stop posting the awesomeness and the bad days because we all have both. This seems like a miscommunication and just a cross in his intent with your perception. He intended something nice but it wasn't something you liked so you have to tell him you don't like surprises, you don't like to be unprepared, you have a limited amount of time to do your errands and chores on your day off so if you plan to do it that day it throws everything else out of whack. This is so but setting the boundary that planning is important for you, knowing the plan is important for you and little surprises are fine but not ones where it takes a lot of time away from the fabric of your entire day. I am so sorry you are disappointed. Let him know you care for him deeply and are grateful for his gesture but this so what you need...then tell him what you need form him so that this doesn't happen again. It is okay to let your bf know of your needs...trust me, I am married to someone who plans his day with the rise of to he sun and so I don't deviate from our plans unless I let him know I am deviating in advance. I don't have to tell him what we are doing, but I do have to say don't plan anything for Tuesday after 4 p.m. Happy Birthday, Phoe, you are a great girlfriend. Your relationship is very new and this is exactly what you need to be doing....working out your boundaries and your preferences with each other. 2
Omei Posted May 6, 2014 Posted May 6, 2014 Stop texting him, that was terrible idea!!! The best thing you could of done was drop him off and not spoken a word till he had some time to think about how he treated you. You do not taxi a man around have him call you a pain in the ass then text him looking to make him feel better yuck. Stop texting, maybe you'll get an apology. 7
somedude81 Posted May 6, 2014 Posted May 6, 2014 Stop texting him, that was terrible idea!!! The best thing you could of done was drop him off and not spoken a word till he had some time to think about how he treated you. You do not taxi a man around have him call you a pain in the ass then text him looking to make him feel better yuck. Stop texting, maybe you'll get an apology. Seriously. He needs to apologize, not her. 1
Author Phoe Posted May 6, 2014 Author Posted May 6, 2014 I'm curious, how much time do you spend with him? I know he works and goes to school for most of the day. How many days a week on average do you see him, and for how long? Are you feeling better? BTW, what kind of birthday celebration do you want? There is still time for him to do something for you. I see him about 4-5 days a week. We get all day on Sunday, the other days we see each other it's about 2 hours. He gets home around 7, he's fallen asleep by 9, at which point I go home. No I'm not feeling better. I suppose it was wishful thinking that this thread wouldn't descend into madness, but it did. I don't know what kind of celebration I want. Nothing extreme. There aren't many options up here. While the bar wasn't my first choice, I would've been fine with it under different circumstances. Like knowing a day in advance, being able to be showered and ready, not have a pile of errands, him driving so I can have a drink. I don't really like the food at the bar, I may have liked to eat something else. I wasn't terribly thrilled with my fries. I actually wanted Pho. lol. I mentioned to him multiple times today via text that I was craving pho. When I was on the way to pick him up, I texted him saying "hey, I wanna stop off at the pho place and pick up some beef soup and a smoothie since we will be driving right past." he said okay. It was only once I picked him up that he said "Instead of pho, how about we go to the bar?" So, had I been aware of plans with enough advance notice, been able to eat somewhere else (pho and a smoothie would have thrilled me) and THEN head to the bar where I could have a drink and play pool with him - THAT would have been lovely. Just some tweaks to how it turned out. Easy tweaks. 1
Blade96 Posted May 6, 2014 Posted May 6, 2014 Hold the phone and stop the presses. This guy wanted you to flirt around with and have a sex with other men? I know LS frustrates you, and you might not want to hear this. But this said to me, when I read the thread where he said that to you, that he does NOT care about you. No guy who loves or cares about his gf would want to pass you around like a piece of meat. He's shown other signs too, which I have read. Phoe I know you are the one who made a thread wondering why you hardly get dates. I know how much you wanted one. And you seem like a VERY sweet girl. A treasure for a GOOD guy who deserves it. But in my opinion, this guy does not care about you. And even though you tried to be nice for this evening, although you weren't ready, and doing this typically isn't your thing anyway. You were nice. He acted like a jerk. 1
Author Phoe Posted May 6, 2014 Author Posted May 6, 2014 Stop texting him, that was terrible idea!!! The best thing you could of done was drop him off and not spoken a word till he had some time to think about how he treated you. You do not taxi a man around have him call you a pain in the ass then text him looking to make him feel better yuck. Stop texting, maybe you'll get an apology. I wasn't apologizing, or trying to get an apology, or make him feel better. I thought things were okay. We ended up having a pleasant night and I dropped him off at home with a kiss. When I texted him I let him know I was getting in bed soon if he wanted to skype. He always likes to skype with me once I'm in bed and about to go to sleep. No response, so I texted him goodnight. Still nothing. Meh. He's surely asleep by now though.
CrystalCastles Posted May 6, 2014 Posted May 6, 2014 Not til Thursday! More and more I feel like I can't really write here anymore when there's trouble in my relationship. I'm kind of already regretting it, but I've got nowhere else to vent when something is bugging me. In that case, happy early birthday! I actually have a remedy for the last line. You can keep a journal. Write everything in it, all the little things that piss you off. I used to vent to my friends, however one time, I told a close friend of mine about a sensitive, intimate problem and I thought she would be supportive, but instead she insulted me to the point that I cried. So I no longer share any personal information with anyone, but I still need to unload my problems somewhere and writing them down feels like a great relief. Unless you're looking for advice. 1
Candy_Pants Posted May 6, 2014 Posted May 6, 2014 He doesn't deserve her, but she wants to be with him. Phoe, please take this for what it's worth. I was like you for a long time. Thought I was done being a doormat, married a great man who began verbally abusing me, and I grew MASSIVE balls and left him. It was the best thing I could've done for myself, and my marriage. Now he knows I'm the kind of woman who doesn't eat sh it with a grin, and if he wants a snowball's chance in hell of being with me he'll wise the fu ck up and be a damn man. You can do the same thing. Stand up for yourself when it COUNTS. 4
somedude81 Posted May 6, 2014 Posted May 6, 2014 I see him about 4-5 days a week. We get all day on Sunday, the other days we see each other it's about 2 hours. He gets home around 7, he's fallen asleep by 9, at which point I go home. OK that's more often than I thought you guys were seeing each other. And since you aren't making these threads every week, things do seem to be going good for the most part. No I'm not feeling better. I suppose it was wishful thinking that this thread wouldn't descend into madness, but it did.Sucks that happened. Vultures. Nothing but vultures, especially that some dude guy. I don't know what kind of celebration I want. Nothing extreme. There aren't many options up here. While the bar wasn't my first choice, I would've been fine with it under different circumstances. Like knowing a day in advance, being able to be showered and ready, not have a pile of errands, him driving so I can have a drink. I don't really like the food at the bar, I may have liked to eat something else. I wasn't terribly thrilled with my fries.Yeah, that's all really easy to change. I actually wanted Pho. lol. I mentioned to him multiple times today via text that I was craving pho. When I was on the way to pick him up, I texted him saying "hey, I wanna stop off at the pho place and pick up some beef soup and a smoothie since we will be driving right past." he said okay. It was only once I picked him up that he said "Instead of pho, how about we go to the bar?"I only have one response to that. BTW, I made a comment about you and pho and your foodie thread. Go check it out So, had I been aware of plans with enough advance notice, been able to eat somewhere else (pho and a smoothie would have thrilled me) and THEN head to the bar where I could have a drink and play pool with him - THAT would have been lovely.Hopefully something like that will happen for you on your birthday. Maybe I'll have some pho in your honor. I'll PM you a picture of me having some if you don't get any for your b-day
Omei Posted May 6, 2014 Posted May 6, 2014 I wasn't apologizing, or trying to get an apology, or make him feel better. I thought things were okay. We ended up having a pleasant night and I dropped him off at home with a kiss. When I texted him I let him know I was getting in bed soon if he wanted to skype. He always likes to skype with me once I'm in bed and about to go to sleep. No response, so I texted him goodnight. Still nothing. Meh. He's surely asleep by now though. My mistake your original posts ends with how he says your an ass but the pool was fun and no speak of talking things out or ending on a good note. So me seeing you making the -first to text- was a no no. If you guys had already sorted things out then good!! My mother once said to me "Your father doesn't clean much nor is he romantic but he has other quality's about him I loved I accepted the quality's he didnt have long ago I won't complain about the things hes not" I always remember this so well just for occasions like this, your boyfriend "tried" he may be clueless as to what would of been good but all you can do is accept that part of him. Just dont accept his ungratefulness lol
CrystalCastles Posted May 6, 2014 Posted May 6, 2014 He doesn't deserve her, but she wants to be with him. I think that maybe Phoe is afraid that he'll leave her. I don't really see any other explanation why a person would be trying so hard to please someone. I know because I'm like that- I always have to look perfect, act perfect, and say the perfect things if I'm trying to catch the attention of a guy I like, or if I'm on a date with a guy I like. And any stepping out of that perfection feels like a failure. I think, Phoe, that you need to have a chat with him. Wrt to the name-calling. I recall he said that you look like sh*t, before. Now he's calling you a pain in the a*s. I know how it feels to be reading posts that make you uncomfortable (I've been there), and that some people post things that you might find very unpleasant. But people are only trying to help you. 3
Els Posted May 6, 2014 Posted May 6, 2014 He called me a pain in the ass at least 3 times tonight. I understand that for him, there's nothing wrong with what he did. He unexpectedly had the evening off, and wanted to take me out for an early birthday. In his eyes, I'm being ungrateful and high maintenance. He even tried to get me to just wear a pair of his pants instead of going home to get dressed. Um, no. There's heaps of things wrong about what he did. If he'd truly wanted to give you a nice birthday surprise, he would have: 1) Driven to YOU, not expected you to make the round trip - twice! 2) Taken you out to a nice evening, not fries and pool (unless that's clearly your thing, which it isn't) 3) Just dropped it and planned a different surprise if you were feeling sickly If he had, say, picked you up and taken you to a nice restaurant and you were throwing a fuss because the dress you'd wanted to wear was at the cleaners - yeah, I'd say you're being ungrateful. In this case there doesn't seem to be anything to even be grateful for! Clue in, Phoe, the problem isn't that you're being 'ungrateful and high maintenance'. Quite the opposite. 15
Leigh 87 Posted May 6, 2014 Posted May 6, 2014 (edited) This guy is a selfish man child. I am sure he means well but this is ridiculous. He asked you to drop what you were doing in order to pick him up. He then tried to ask you to do something that you really didn't feel like, quiet honestly. He then called you a stubborn pain in the backside. You have too low standard. Your exes were not that into you so you are clinging onto a guy who IS into you yet who behaves UNACCEPTABLY. He needs to learn how to behave llike an adult. You should point blank tell him : Look, I did you a favour and drove miles to collect you when frankly I had a lot of cleaning to do. It's nice that you thought of my birthday but after spending money and time in coming to pick you up and do you a FAVOUR, you have SOME NERVE to then call me a pain in the ass when I DON'T WANT to go out and get fries. I have been forced out of the car once by my exes friend when I was not showered or looking good. I didn't appreciate it. Mature adults don't get generally NEED people to do things. When a person says NO THANKS, most adults say " ok cool, another time :)" Phoe he is acting terribly and you MUST put him in his place. Edited May 6, 2014 by Leigh 87 2
Andy_K Posted May 6, 2014 Posted May 6, 2014 He calls me a pain in the ass because it's true. I'm a pain in the ass Are you though? you're blinded by being in the relationship. Who, other than the two of you, thinks you are a pain in the ass to him? I don't think you are weighing up behaviours very well here. 1
Leigh 87 Posted May 6, 2014 Posted May 6, 2014 Geez. Good god. I had to pause for a minute after reading your post. Sorry but there is no way in he'll that me OR my own bf would taxi each other around, be asked to do something for our birthday we didn't particularly like the sound of, AND THEN be called a pain in the ass when we state our preferences. I would ask him what the he'll had gotten into him. He wouldn't stand for that crap either. He'd tell to get a grip, he just drove miles for me and I better wake up tto myself if I expect him to stick around when that way AFTER he did me a favour! ?!???×??? He is not retarded. He should KNOW what a nice birthday surprise is. Anyone with two brain cells to rub together knows that nnot everyone likes fries and pool. A normal and reasonable person would have ASKED you what YOU felt like doing. The fact he gave you the silent treatment and then ignored your goodnight text is very rude after you dropped everything to pick him up. 2
sillyanswer Posted May 6, 2014 Posted May 6, 2014 I just got back from my birthday "celebration". The celebration I didn't know would be happening today and wasn't prepared to have today. A surprise birthday celebration. How exciting! I just bite my tongue, smile, and say thank you. This is not what I would have chosen at all, but I am thankful that he tried. I'm just confused because he's normally so good with surprises, that this sudden sort of... cluelessness, really caught me off guard. You should consider using your tongue to explain that as he's unlikely to be telepathic. Or, just declare that you're going to do XYZ for your birthday and go and do it. 2
saltyfishhead666 Posted May 6, 2014 Posted May 6, 2014 Phoe I read this thread this morning and read what people were saying about your boyfriend, I'm not familiar with your threads, I typically keep to the break up section. I went on to read your other threads, and I am sat here in utter shock. I have read pages and pages of well wishes and advice givers try to set you straight, try and help you. All I see from you is a sweet lady who is defending the actions of a man she loves. Defending the man or woman you love is a very strong quality. The downfall is when you defend someone who doesn't deserve it, your kindness or you. Allow me to be frank and hope you won't get offended. Your boyfriend is an absolute whack job. He deserves to be put in a room and medicated because he cannot possibly be sane and act the way towards you that he does. I know myself and many other people wish you would see the red flags, quit defending him and work on finding someone who is good to you. I have seen you say "no man has ever cared or been so sweet to me before" but if only some of him is sweet and the remaining all messed up it doesn't count. You seem to be a very well liked lady on this forum, you seem the type that will do anything, for anyone if you can. Maybe someday you will do something good for you. Happy early birthday phoe 5
gaius Posted May 6, 2014 Posted May 6, 2014 He doesn't deserve her, but she wants to be with him. Phoe, please take this for what it's worth. I was like you for a long time. Thought I was done being a doormat, married a great man who began verbally abusing me, and I grew MASSIVE balls and left him. It was the best thing I could've done for myself, and my marriage. Now he knows I'm the kind of woman who doesn't eat sh it with a grin, and if he wants a snowball's chance in hell of being with me he'll wise the fu ck up and be a damn man. You can do the same thing. Stand up for yourself when it COUNTS. The sad thing about all this is that if Phoe just stood up for herself once in a while he'd end up treating her better and be MORE interested in her. But maybe she's just comfortable dealing with selfishness and abuse. =/ 3
Candy_Pants Posted May 6, 2014 Posted May 6, 2014 The sad thing about all this is that if Phoe just stood up for herself once in a while he'd end up treating her better and be MORE interested in her. But maybe she's just comfortable dealing with selfishness and abuse. =/ Exactly. Phoe is very agreeable, TOO damn agreeable. And yet she's internalized his insults instead of saying "Fu ck you, you pussy, you don't get to treat me like sh it"!! 1
TAV Posted May 6, 2014 Posted May 6, 2014 Phoe, relationships aren't supposed to be this EXHAUSTING! I've read in your other threads how you need that one day a week to get yourself and your house in order. It seems to be a very important thing to you. Something that any considerate friend or family member would know about you and respect. Those are your boundaries, you clearly indicated them to him, you give him all of your time the rest of the week. I hope it is not the case that he is jealous of these mundane things taking your attention and thus keeping you (and your every thought) away from him. I think in his mind it was such a great honour for you to spend what would have been a working day for him with him. He completely bypassed your needs in this. You think you stood up to him by telling him your issues with the whole birthday surprise thing but the fact that you still went ahead with everything HE wanted to do, tried your utmost to avoid a fight ánd allowed him to call you a pain in the ass repeatedly, contradicts that. He must love the fact that now on top of everything else you are the one apologizing for... (I have no clue what). As I said: relationships are not meant to be this exhausting. If they are something is wrong. I can understand it is painful to keep getting these negative comments about the man you love. But, honestly, what exactly did you want to hear from the LS community? That we agree with your bf; that you are a pain in the ass, that you are an ungrateful cow etc. etc.? Did you not come here for validation re your own frustration????? If you do decide to get up and go I hope some of what people said here will stick with you so that sometime in the future you will demand from your bf that he respects your boundaries. Or tell him to take a hike otherwise. 8
shet Posted May 6, 2014 Posted May 6, 2014 I'm going to swim against the tide here and say the guy isn't bad. He tried to do something for her birthday, when she didn't have anything set up herself. That's nice. His fault is he hasn't yet grasped that Phoe here has mild anxiety and her day off is important, which is because of their relatively short time together. Precisely instances like this are what teach people about each other. Of course I havent read previous threads. If this is a consistent issue of him arranging things for explicitly bad times and expecting more gratitude, there's a problem. And it's not great that he calls you a pain in the ass.
saltyfishhead666 Posted May 6, 2014 Posted May 6, 2014 I'm going to swim against the tide here and say the guy isn't bad. He tried to do something for her birthday, when she didn't have anything set up herself. That's nice. His fault is he hasn't yet grasped that Phoe here has mild anxiety and her day off is important, which is because of their relatively short time together. Precisely instances like this are what teach people about each other. Of course I havent read previous threads. If this is a consistent issue of him arranging things for explicitly bad times and expecting more gratitude, there's a problem. And it's not great that he calls you a pain in the ass. Then you should definitely read the other threads... Your opinion up there will change dramatically 1
JourneyLady Posted May 6, 2014 Posted May 6, 2014 Phoe, from one Cappy to another... leave this one - he's a frog. I'll tell you what. In my five year "relationship", I tried to make it work. There were times he tried to please me just to hold onto me, but in the end everything was about him and his needs. I've met someone new and there's a whole world of difference. I'm still trying to come down to earth after a month and find something imperfect and I haven't been able to find something off. (I do know I will eventually come down -- but what I mean is no MAJOR flaws. This is not what I'm used to!) You deserve better and the right person will lighten your life, not darken it. But he'll never find you as long as this guy you're with is blocking your doorway. Figure out what you're supposed to learn from this guy and then move on. Because relationships are for learning, but they shouldn't be that hard. You're not two of a kind - you are both just killing time, IMO. It is scary to be alone, but well worth it to be able to trade the wrong guy for the right one where the relationship is easy breezy. I'm still in shock. Yes, relationships are work sometimes -- but they aren't supposed to be work 24/7 and you are supposed to be able to enjoy the presence of a companion. I'm off to other parts for a week with my honey, but I hope to find you're moving on when I get back! 3
Shepp Posted May 6, 2014 Posted May 6, 2014 I haven't caught the other threads that folk are referring to here, so i'm talking purely about this one (which i think is what you wanted anyway, right?) Precisely instances like this are what teach people about each other. This is a good way of saying what i was deciding how to put into words! I'm a dude. I'm not a mind reader. and girls aren't easy, believe that! Sometimes I get things wrong (be flowers which "have too many thorns" or buying her a nice bottle of wine which was "Isnt what she asked me to get"...schoolboy error: never deviate from the list) - which is frustrating, because I tried, I thought she'd be happy. But thats life right, you don't always win, and losing hurts, but its the only way you learn - that works at anything: sport, work, relationships! I remember my brothers best mate telling me when he was teaching me guitar - practice makes you better but your only practicing when your doing something that your getting wrong - he's right, the stuff your getting right you already know, your not learning anything! Why do people do things that are hard - run marathon, climb mountains, because, for me, when you achieve it it feels good. Getting it wrong makes me try harder to get it right! If my girlfriend would of done what you did (what we're brought up to do) smile, and say thank you regardless, to whatever ring i'd of bought her (bearing in mind im not a mind reader) if i'd of thought she'd be happy with any ring then truth be told i'd of probably her the first one in the shop! Trailing around looking at rings is not my idea of fun! But i knew she wouldn't! I knew i had to pick something that "showed thought" and "was different", "has a story" etc etc So i went from shop to shop, with my best mates sister, i looked online, i researched stones, i contacted folk - so i'd get it right! Sometimes you just have to put your foot down and sure he'll sulk, but ultimately you'll be treated better as a result! Obviously not all the time! Obviously sometimes it is the thought that counts! You don't want "anything will do", right? You want thought put in! So occasionally if you want that - you need to voice that, if you pretend somethings okay - it wont ever get better! You don't need to apologise to him for not being swept of your feet if you weren't! Nor do i think he needs to apologise for getting it wrong - he's not a mind reader! He just needs to remember it next time and change tact! Show that he cares about getting it right!
Shepp Posted May 6, 2014 Posted May 6, 2014 P.S: happy birthday P.P.S: He wants you to hook up with another guy? Whaaa? I cant understand guys who want that! To me that seems twisted!!
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