am I a priority?

[lori1203]

OP, you have been dating this guy for a month. I would caution you to keep your expectations in check. It's one thing if you want to do ABC for someone but don't project those expectations on the other person and demand the same. You'll only build resentment and sabotage the relationship when thsd ouvey can't live up to your standards. You either accept what he has to offer or maturely discuss your feelings or remove yourself and find someone that can reciprocate your expectations.

 

I can't function on 4 hours sleep, so I really don't blame him for deciding to step out when you mentioned he could come over but then you told him he had to wait another 10 more minutes to make sure your coast is clear. I would have declined as well. It's challenging for a single guy to adapt to dating a woman with a child.

 

Okay and when he asks to come over the next night when I worked a 12 or 14 hour shift im h oing to have to decline. Why should I settle and give in to only what he wants? I just think the whole 4 hours of sleep thing when he stays up on game nights was kind of an excuse. I was asking for 5 min so i could surprise him with a souvenir I got him in Cali.

[Zahara]

Okay and what's the difference when his game or shows are on at 9 at night till midnight?? All im saying is to me he was important and I have made it a priority to see him. He knew the situation he was getting himself into dating a woman with a child. That's on him and he should make sacrifices too. A relationship is not about one person giving all and the other 30%. we talk ALOT and see each other pretty frequently. He also has expressed his strong feelings for me, talking about bringing me to meet his mom, meet my son, and among other things so why wouldn't I feel a little disappointed? I think its natural. Yes maybe I do need to take a step back and though I realize that.

 

You say you talk alot and see each other frequently so I am not sure why you're getting so knotted up over him 1) deciding not to come over because he felt it was too late 2) wanting to see his favorite team play. If you said you both don't see each other frequently, then it would be a different story. Just because you traveled for work and the schedule is a little off, you're throwing a tantrum.

 

You really need to chill. I will tell you that a turnoff is when a woman behaves this way.

 

No, he didn't know what it would be like dating a woman with a child. This is new to him unless he has a child or has dated women with children. If he has, then you can say that but if he hasn't, he cannot know what it's like until he experiences the day to day with someone that has 1) child 2) herself 3) work as a her first three priorities.

[lori1203]

Staying up late relaxing in bed or the couch is different from...getting dressed, starting up the car, driving over, hanging out, wondering what time you'll get back home, constantly watching the clock, then driving back, taking clothes off, getting settled for bed, watching some TV to wind down, crap now I can't sleep cause I'm too excited from seeing my love, crap now it's 2am and I gotta get up in 2 hours.

 

I just don't think he was completely unreasonable. If he's not putting in the same effort as you consistently with other things then you may have a point but not seeing someone late at night with a 4am wake up time. You could be more understanding. Disappointing yes but that's it.

 

Im understandable about it trust me I work long shifts. I just know he goes to his buddies and the bar to watch because I know for a fact he doesnt have cable

[Zahara]

Okay and when he asks to come over the next night when I worked a 12 or 14 hour shift im h oing to have to decline. Why should I settle and give in to only what he wants? I just think the whole 4 hours of sleep thing when he stays up on game nights was kind of an excuse. I was asking for 5 min so i could surprise him with a souvenir I got him in Cali.

 

I have to agree with Stillafool. Having to drive there and having sex, cuddling, then talking, then driving back home again is too taxing when he's barely hitting a few hours of sleep. Much easier when he's in his own home and able to hit the sack whenever he wants.

 

And he did want to come over but you had to implement another wait time of 10 minutes because you have to get your coast clear. It's not that he didn't want to come, he was probably frustrated with your timing.

 

5 min to give him a souvenir. So he has to drive all the way there, get your souvenir, have sex, cuddle, clean up, and then drive home and then spend another 10-20 minutes settling down to bed -- all for a souvenir. C'mon.

[lori1203]

I am 3.5 months into a relationship. We see each other once a week or so, hoping to do more. He has a daughter at home still, mine are raised and gone. We also have an hour in between us.

 

The point here is that you have known him one month. It is up to him how he spends his time. If you try to make decisions for him already he is going to run away. We all like our independence and when are choosing to spend time with someone and they are fun and reciprocate, that is what dating is in the beginning. It doesn't have to be rushing in and seeing each other all the time. You may feel like you want to but life is happening. He should have time to watch his game, that is HIS time, HIS passion. People need time for their passions.

 

If you walk into a mans life and want to change it a month in, chances are it isn't right for either of you. I was a single mom of a 3 year old and dating. I would have never given anybody priority over my child....just me.

 

NOBODY has priority over my child and never will. I have full custody of my child who us 3 and only ive gotten a babysitter twice in the past month and half. The other times he just comes over after I put my son to sleep. Maybe I may have said something in one of my posts that seemed like it so im sorry but in no way would I ever make someone else priority. Ever.now I just feel terrible if anyone has even thought that

[Zahara]

Okay and when he asks to come over the next night when I worked a 12 or 14 hour shift im h oing to have to decline. Why should I settle and give in to only what he wants? .

 

That's your call. But when you start responding from that sort of mindset, you will only build resentment in your head and start to self-sabotage. You either express how you feel maturely or you accept it as it is. This passive-aggresive crap will only bite you in the ass because you're the one that is most affected by this, not him.

[HappyLove]

Im understandable about it trust me I work long shifts. I just know he goes to his buddies and the bar to watch because I know for a fact he doesnt have cable

 

Well does he take you out other times? Does he see you other times. Sounds like he want to see you for his Bday. Do you think he's using you or something?

[lori1203]

I have to agree with Stillafool. Having to drive there and having sex, cuddling, then talking, then driving back home again is too taxing when he's barely hitting a few hours of sleep. Much easier when he's in his own home and able to hit the sack whenever he wants.

 

And he did want to come over but you had to implement another wait time of 10 minutes because you have to get your coast clear. It's not that he didn't want to come, he was probably frustrated with your timing.

 

5 min to give him a souvenir. So he has to drive all the way there, get your souvenir, have sex, cuddle, clean up, and then drive home and then spend another 10-20 minutes settling down to bed -- all for a souvenir. C'mon.

 

I get it... i guess maybe i felt a little offended or unimportant which is silly and i guess im overreacting. I just dont like excuses when he knows he goes to his buddies and bars at night to watch the games

[lori1203]

That's your call. But when you start responding from that sort of mindset, you will only build resentment in your head and start to self-sabotage. You either express how you feel maturely or you accept it as it is. This passive-aggresive crap will only bite you in the ass because you're the one that is most affected by this, not him.

 

Its not that but I am beyond exhausted working not getting off until 9 at night and turning around doing it all over again when he expects me to be ok with him coming over

[Zahara]

I get it... i guess maybe i felt a little offended or unimportant which is silly and i guess im overreacting. I just dont like excuses when he knows he goes to his buddies and bars at night to watch the games

 

Don't mix what he does with his buddies and what he does with you. Two separate things.

 

He wanted to come over. He was ready to come over. You told him to come over. Then you implement another 10 minute wait time when it's already so late. I would have declined as well. Everything is so rushed. He was probably not in the mood to meet you that way. He was probably tired and settling down for the night.

 

When he is with his buddies, it's planned, he's ready for it -- mentally prepared and knowing that he's going to have a late night. It feels far different from jumping into his clothes at midnight to speed to you for a quickie and souvenir and rushing back home to get a few hours of sleep.

[lori1203]

Don't mix what he does with his buddies and what he does with you. Two separate things.

 

He wanted to come over. He was ready to come over. You told him to come over. Then you implement another 10 minute wait time when it's already so late. I would have declined as well. Everything is so rushed. He was probably not in the mood to meet you that way. He was probably tired and settling down for the night.

 

When he is with his buddies, it's planned, he's ready for it -- mentally prepared and knowing that he's going to have a late night. It feels far different from jumping into his clothes at midnight to speed to you for a quickie and souvenir and rushing back home to get a few hours of sleep.

 

I guess I real issue is.... I haven't dated for 10 years. I was with somebody else so this is all new to me again and I really dont know how to take things or act. Guess that's its own topic itself.

[HappyLove]

I guess I real issue is.... I haven't dated for 10 years. I was with somebody else so this is all new to me again and I really dont know how to take things or act. Guess that's its own topic itself.

 

Well, at least you're able to see that and do things differently. Maybe you getting off so late and rushing to still see him after such a late shift is building resentment in you. Maybe you do need to take some of those nights for yourself to just relax.

[KRuss]

Lori203:

 

The point here is simple. Chill out. Drop expectations and enjoy. You are early on in this dating thing. I was married for 22 years, and only since I have been dating again do I REALLY get it. I never dated a lot before.

 

If i can share anything it is to be content and grateful for what you have. Let him be his own person. It is ok to be disappointed, but don't make more of that disappointment. Blame does not have to be cast. You care and like him so you are disappointed. When you make more of it and put it on someone else, then they feel pressure....and really, who wants to move toward spending more time with someone when they don't feel good, but they feel pressured?

 

Relax. You are like a bucket of pebbles....take care of that. He is like water flowing around them....a filler right now. Focus on you, your child, your job, and let him be the water that flows around you right now..in and out as time allows. Only expect respect, and watch his actions. Time will tell.

 

Good luck to you

[KRuss]

It is hard to learn about dating after you haven't done it in so long. You expect what you had in a relationship, but this is different. I know, I was out of dating over 22 years.....be patent, read, learn, focus on you.

 

Big hugs...

 

I guess I real issue is.... I haven't dated for 10 years. I was with somebody else so this is all new to me again and I really dont know how to take things or act. Guess that's its own topic itself.

[Gaeta]

Its not that but I am beyond exhausted working not getting off until 9 at night and turning around doing it all over again when he expects me to be ok with him coming over

But if you are not ok, if you are too tired at times, you are allowed to reschedule or say no not tonight honey. He's not going to be offended by that.

 

If you are willing to exhaust yourself to see him that's on you. You should not expect him to do the same. He knows his limits and respects them, maybe you should do the same and respect your limits.

 

If you run the both of you exhausted you're not going to make it. I think you got all bent out of shape about this incident because you are tired and tired people run out of patience.

 

Also, the thing about this 'love at first sight' that you're talking about. You need to understand it's exciting and all but it's also just a chemical reaction in the brain. It's not because you want to spend your every moment with him that you should do so. A lot of people feeling that way end up burning the candle by both ends and what started like a firework died quickly. That newness feeling, those butterflies, will last longer and may turn into something meaningful if you take your time.

[lori1203]

I told him go enjoy his game tonight and we will see eachother this weekend for his birthday. He replies with ill see you tonight or tomorrow I cant wait any longer.... wtf. I told him to just watch his game I wont be mad but I also said I already know I will be super tired working the next 3 days because i haven't been back to work yet since the work trip so id just have to see him Saturday. Now he won't take that.

[Zahara]

I told him go enjoy his game tonight and we will see eachother this weekend for his birthday. He replies with ill see you tonight or tomorrow I cant wait any longer.... wtf. I told him to just watch his game I wont be mad but I also said I already know I will be super tired working the next 3 days because i haven't been back to work yet since the work trip so id just have to see him Saturday. Now he won't take that.

 

I thought you said you wanted to see him? If he can see you tomorrow, what's the problem? Are you not wanting to do that because he's still choosing to see the game tonight versus allocating all that time for you?

[lori1203]

I did but he said he really wanted to watch the game so of course now I told him to watch it and tomorrow I have work and dont get home till almost 9pm, put my son to bed, then be up at 5:45am

[Gaeta]

I told him go enjoy his game tonight and we will see eachother this weekend for his birthday. He replies with ill see you tonight or tomorrow I cant wait any longer.... wtf. I told him to just watch his game I wont be mad but I also said I already know I will be super tired working the next 3 days because i haven't been back to work yet since the work trip so id just have to see him Saturday. Now he won't take that.

 

See, you told the man to enjoy his game, you gave him space and he springs right back.

 

It's not that he won't take it. I think he is trying to fix things because he cancelled last night and of course he knows you are disappointed. So, you have any small opening for him? if yes then tell him ok Tomorrow but I really need to get to bed early so no latter than 11h, or if you cannot at all tell him you miss him too but it is impossible you cannot squeeze anything else out of you for now.

[KRuss]

Lori203

 

What do you want? If you want to see him tonight, do it. If you don't, kindly tell him you made other plans and are working til the weekend.

 

You have to take some emotion out of this. Do what you WANT...tell him what you want/need. It is simple if you remove your expectations, emotions, and just do what you WANT and then kindly, warmly, lovingly communicate that.

[Zahara]

I did but he said he really wanted to watch the game so of course now I told him to watch it and tomorrow I have work and dont get home till almost 9pm, put my son to bed, then be up at 5:45am

 

I'm going to reverse this. When you wanted him to come and see you, regardless of what time it was, he agreed and then you told him to wait another 10 minutes and when he declined because it was too late, you got upset.

 

Now you get home at 9PM have to wake up at 5:45AM (he had to wake up at 4AM), it's an issue for you in terms of your needs. Or are you playing passive aggresive games to punish him?

 

There has to be some compromise. If you truly want to see him, don't play games. Communicate what you want and need. You can still see him at 10PM and spend an hour together and have enough time to get to bed. You said he is fine with a few hours of sleep, so can you if you really wanted to see him.

Edited May 6, 2014 by Zahara

[atlg8r]

I def dont feel like I caused anything with that comment like I said above. Just want to feel like a priority because if it was me I would have driven to see him when he got back. Id never make him I choose between his game and me because im not controlling I just want him to want to see me. I make sacrifices with my child to see him and I work 12 to 14 hr shifts so ge cant sacrifice 5 min?

 

If you have to ask if you are a priority, then you are not. Also, you can't make anyone want to see you. You see how he is right now. You cannot change that. All you can do is decide if it's worth putting up with or if you will be happy in a relationship like this. Then either stay or go.

[Hopeful30]

If you have to ask if you're a priority, then you're probably not.