fooled2manyX Posted May 6, 2014 Posted May 6, 2014 we're both over 40. we met online and hit it off instantly with a lot in common, including we are both in recovery having many years. he was only months out of a relationship, if even that long..don't know for sure, with a live in gf. So, we were going just great, truly connecting. He was attentive, caring, compliments, etc. At a cpl of weeks, we friend on FB just to look at pics. I saw he was still friends with the ex and there were many pics still up. Men are bad at those things, so no surprise. He said to me "i promise to clean that up." I responded with "well, no need to promise now, but if we continue, by all means." Soon after, I unfriended him on FB. No need to see all that. I was ok with it. Soon after, he introduced me to his entire family on a special day. I loved them, they me. It was a great time. He introduced me as his gf to friends, we spent weekends down by him and during the week, he would come up by me, as we live about an hour apart. After meeting his family, I saw some pics on his sisters FB page. I admit, I looked. His sis had a pic with he and another ex before this last live in one. He and the woman (mind you, both women are quite a number of yrs older than he is) were on a trip. Seems he proposed on the trip. Pic of them in eachothers arms.... her hand on his arm with a big diamond on her left hand. People wrote "congrats". At some point, I asked him about it.... (hindsight making me regret my choice for awhile) because he had told me since his divorce 10 yrs ago, he hadn't come close to getting married/engaged again. My bringing this up became a source of tension. While I had explained my insecurites to him already, from a past relationship od deceit, he truly didn't understand. We spoke of it... I explained what happened to me with my ex and he listened to my whole story. Well, he stuck to his whole story that he did buy her a ring..... (he says it was a blue gem, although I saw a clear diamond in the pic) and he did give it to her, but he did not propose marriage. He couldn't help it if people wrote "congrats" but that's not what it was. Hmmmm. I felt maybe I was wrong. It didn't look the way he said, but maybe it was my mind getting away from me and my insecurites coming out. We were ok...post talk... we moved along... we were happy. He began to already talk about the future. Wanting more kids (he has a son from a previous) although I was rather confused about his last two relationships before me. Both women had gone through menopause and had grown children. If this man wants more children, why be with people who can't have them. But, we love who we love. Ok.... he began to talk about family, where we might live, etc. It was soon, yes... but we were both feeling it. He went as far as saying he felt his grandmother, deceased, sent me to him. We laughed, watched movies, took day trips, etc. There was plenty of time apart, as to not smother due to work. He also does work in another state. At some point, last month... he went to that state for both work and to visit family. While he was gone... a week and a half... he called almost every day. He texted me. He told me how much he missed me. One message, he even ended with "love you" although it was quick and I didn't read too into it. When he was coming home, it seemed we couldn't wait to see eachother. He asked me if I wanted him to drive up to me the night he came home. I said no, that was ok. I would drive to him after work, due to him flying that day and having a drive from the airport. We met at his place... and I actually got there 10 minutes before he did. We were so happy to see eachother. He grabbed his bags and we went into the house. We get to the bedroom and it was dark. We walked into the dark room and he saw something.... I mean, he didn't just see it... it was almost like I could tell he knew what it was. So.... He turns on the light. It's a woman's nighty. Silk. He took it off the mirror it was draped over and threw it on the bed. He was like "I can't f'in believe this".... took me a minute to even realize what I was looking at. He seemed pissed. But, I just went out by the car. I was so stressed, I lit a cigarette. His roomate came home and he talked to him. Then I saw him on the phone... he came over and said "Can we please just go to the dinner we planned? Please let me just take care of this. I promise I am going to take care of this. I won't tolorate it. " ............. I was so close to leaving too. I wish now I had.... So, we go to dinner. He smiles at me "_____, I want to be with you. I want a future for us. Please... let me take care of this." I felt his sincerity. I knew at the moment it was real. So, with MUCH hesitation, I agreed. He said he was going to change the locks. By this time, he told me she still had keys because he owed her money for the house... and she hadn't given her keys back. That she would usually come by for mail, but would let him know when and that she was in a new relationship. Um, yeah. but now she was letting herself into MY boyfriends (of 2 1/2 months) home...even if she did live there before. This was so much. I felt I should have been gone already, but I stayed with him. As soon as the next day... there was a change. Our usual weekend plans (where I would go down by him) went to he was going to come up by me and stay overnight and leave very early on Sunday. A day we had been spending together. It felt off. I kind of expressed my disappointment. On friday, when the tension was still there... he tried calling me a cpl times but I didn't answer. I look to my phone.. he's on his way to my house to talk because he can't concentrate. I told him it was ok, not to come but he insisted. So, we came here and we talked. He was still talking about a future with me, how much he cared about me. We went out to dinner and came back by my place. The next day, he said he had to pick a friend up from the airport which was a far drive. He was going to leave that night and drive home. He wasn't going to spend the night. At this point, we're fooling around a bit in the car and he................doesn't seemed too interested in my advances. Finally, he came into the house. We had sex... but, he didn't stay. That was a huge deal, because he did have to be up very early and that airport was an hour from his house, 2 hours from mine. That weekend though.... everything fell apart. It began well. We went out with his friends and walked around the city.... lunch, shops, fun. Very nice We got back to his place rather late.... he has a very bad back. He needs surgery. SO, when I was coming on to him, he mentioned he was in a lot of pain. Ok. When I offered to um...... hmmm, "do all the work" basically "mount him" he declined. Saying it would only make him want to flip me over and have his way with me and he was in too much pain to. He kind of laughed at how eager I was (im in my sexual prime) and he said "In the morning we will". The morning came... we only had about 45 minutes to get somewhere we planned to go. He turned on the tv, lit a smoke, text his mother, called his cousin...... now I'm laying there. Ugh. So, I kind of hinted or just said "everything ok"? And from there... he felt I had an attitude. He said he was going to go to meeting and come back for me to go out. Ok... but text me while he was out about feelings running through his head and he felt "left out" and not appreciated, etc. That maybe we needed to both take the rest of the day.... etc..... it turned into a fight. When my mother was rushed to the hospital the next day... he came up and sat with me all night, even though I told him he could leave if he wanted to. He said he wanted to stay. He was attentive and rather loving. When I said to him "are we ok?" he just said "relax". But it was hard to. I also knew in the back of my head.... it was 5 days later and the locks weren't changed. He seemed reluctant that night to stay with me (again) but he did, he slept at my place. He left that morning. That was the last time I saw him in person. The days that followed "good morning sunshine" just became "good morning".... he didn't call. He barely texted me. It was awful... it hurt. I hadn't even mentioned the locks to him. Or her. I had given him the space to "take care of it " as he said. But finally, we were on the phone and he sounded depressed. COmplaining of money.... sounding awful. I was trying to cheer him up. it wasn't working. I finally said "What is this? what's happening?" and then all hell broke lose. He said things like "This isn't me." over and over. He said that I am self centered.... he said that he doesn't want to be in something where he feels he needs to reassure a woman everyday. What? And that it seemed like I can't move forward.... "Move forward"? I said "How am I supposed to move forward if you didn't do what you said you were going to." (oh because by this time too, he gave me some poor ass excuse about money to buy new locks) and I finally just came out and told him I knew he wasn't done with this woman. I told him I could tell that she came back and instead of being a big boy and telling me that he wanted to go back to her, he just began to treat me poorly and wouldn't respect what he told me... that he was going to take care of it for us. It got worse. At first I walked away. I didn't contact him for 4 days. Then I found out I was pregnant. He said I wasn't. But , I was. He said "well I'll be by your side for that". I was furious. "I don't want you by my side for an abortion! I wanted you by my side period." And in the end, I realized that I want a baby with a man who loves me and would not treat me as his rebound or option. He said the choice was mine.. he would support me either way. Well, I took care of it myself... alone. It's been over a week now. I havent heard from him. Our last converstion, he was cold, mean, nasty. He talked AT me not TO me. He pointed out all of my wrongs... basically how I drove him away. He didn't once, I mean NOT ONCE take accountability or responsibility for the locks, or what she did. He never said "I know I said I would do that and I didn't." I even gave him an out. I said "hey you lived with her, you loved her, you probably still do... I get it. It happens.. you want to get back together. but as much as it would hurt me, I would take it and move on." And still............ he denied it. Refused to admit it. He said it just wasnt that way. I even (ok, I know what you are all going to say) contacted her on FB because I was livid. I just asked her if she slept with him while he was with me. Well, he called me. I didn't answer. His voicemail called me childish and inappropriate and he said "leave 'us' alone" (oh you know she was right there)........... I didn't call back. I emailed him "I said no.. what you did was inappropriate to me. now she's protected and Im no good. Dont call my phone again. dont. you're a class act." He said that what happened between us was not what he wanted.... but yet, he chose it. He said that he cared about me.... (bull****) but when I said "I trusted you." he said "I trusted you too"...... Um, I didn't break his trust. It's amazing how a liar/cheat will turn the tables onto the other person to shift the guilt and blame. I'm beside myself.
Raena Posted May 6, 2014 Posted May 6, 2014 Exactly how long were you dating this guy? It sounds like just a few short months. I hate to ask this question... but how did you manage to end up pregnant, at over 40, without planning for it? I'm sorry that happened to you and that you had to go through the decision you made alone. It's a difficult decision not matter how it came about and he's an arse for leaving you to deal with it alone. Your best bet at this point is to write him off. He dumped you pretty quickly all over an disagreement about him changing the locks on his house? It doesn't sound like his previous relationship was completely over with and that's never a good situation to walk into.
Author fooled2manyX Posted May 6, 2014 Author Posted May 6, 2014 yes, it was only 2 1/2 months. and really, the argument wasn't even over the locks at first (i didnt mention them until the argument began) it was over how i noticed as soon as this woman did that.... he changed with me. sex, plans, his calls, texts, etc. however, he tried to deny all that and put all the focus on me.
Raena Posted May 6, 2014 Posted May 6, 2014 Yeah something changed for him... maybe he was just feeling like you all were moving too fast. 2 1/2 months isn't that long of a time really. Add the drama of an ex who isn't completely gone out of the picture and it was a recipe for disaster. Chin up... it sounds like you are better off without him anyway.
Author fooled2manyX Posted May 6, 2014 Author Posted May 6, 2014 yes... fast sure. odd part, he was the one moving faster than i even was. plans, kids, location, etc. maybe he just replaced her with me. until she came back and then he didnt need me anymore.
Author fooled2manyX Posted May 6, 2014 Author Posted May 6, 2014 as mad as I am... you just sit and hope that he's going to say "I f**ked up. what did I do?" and that he'll see he destroyed a good thing. But, of course, he doesn't see that. At best, one day down the road, I may be "the one that got away".... but when you're sitting in it like I am now, every minute hurts and last forever. I'm so hurt by who he was breaking up with me, but I think of all the good times too. I only wish he would.
KaliLove Posted May 6, 2014 Posted May 6, 2014 You definitely dodged a bullet..and the good news is that it only took up a few short months of your life. Moving right along!
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