After rebound relationship; how can I get her back?

[Loman]

I think the issue is you're undecided if you can just be friends with her or want more. I feel you want more, so being friends just isn't realistic.

 

Yeah, I think this is it. I guess I may fool myself into thinking I can just be friends with her. Sometimes it doesn't seem that bad, because almost a month can go by where I barely feel bad about this situation. Then, one day I stay at her house until later than usual, or I'm with her and some friends we have in common, I feel her distant from me and feel terrible for a couple of days. It's not like I'm feeling that way all the time... But when it hits me it does hit pretty hard. Yeah, this doesn't feel healthy, and I guess it could get worse :/

 

Just be careful which path you take because if it blows up in your face you'll have a lot more pain to deal with and we'll probably see you back here in the future. I wish you luck!

 

I hope I'll be back either way to say how things went... It's always interesting to see how these things turn out, for future reference. Good luck to you too!

Edited May 8, 2014 by Loman

[Loman]

Feeling kind of miserable here...

 

So, I broke the NC (I wasn't really that motivated to do so as you might have guessed), talked to her a few days ago and the conversation was great. Invited her to eat out today and she accepted. I was hoping she would accept to see a movie at my place afterwards.

 

Since we had already talked about seeing a movie here, I thought she would accept, but she said no; that it was late and she was feeling tired. That hit me kind of hard, I was having expectations about it and was thinking that we were getting closer again.

 

I was so wrong. She noticed I was upset, and we talked - a lot. We went to her house and talked some more. I wanted to get to the bottom of this. I tried to get physically close to her at one point, like it was now or never. On the outside, she seemed to like it. But she said that she didn't want to get closer, that she was uncomfortable with that - but with a smile on her face! And I told her exactly that: "You say you don't want it, but it seems like you're liking it." and she said something like "Well, that's because I have difficulty saying that I don't want it in a direct/convincing way..."

 

So I backed off, and got her to admit that she wasn't attracted to me now. I apparently misinterpreted signs that seemed to me that she still felt some attraction.

 

When I left she said "You're mad at me, aren't you?" and I said "I don't know", and left hastily.

 

I guess that's that. This all feels pretty messed up to me. Guess there's nothing more to do here but be miserable or try to move on.

 

[todreaminblue]

Feeling kind of miserable here...

 

So, I broke the NC (I wasn't really that motivated to do so as you might have guessed), talked to her a few days ago and the conversation was great. Invited her to eat out today and she accepted. I was hoping she would accept to see a movie at my place afterwards.

 

Since we had already talked about seeing a movie here, I thought she would accept, but she said no; that it was late and she was feeling tired. That hit me kind of hard, I was having expectations about it and was thinking that we were getting closer again.

 

I was so wrong. She noticed I was upset, and we talked - a lot. We went to her house and talked some more. I wanted to get to the bottom of this. I tried to get physically close to her at one point, like it was now or never. On the outside, she seemed to like it. But she said that she didn't want to get closer, that she was uncomfortable with that - but with a smile on her face! And I told her exactly that: "You say you don't want it, but it seems like you're liking it." and she said something like "Well, that's because I have difficulty saying that I don't want it in a direct/convincing way..."

 

So I backed off, and got her to admit that she wasn't attracted to me now. I apparently misinterpreted signs that seemed to me that she still felt some attraction.

 

When I left she said "You're mad at me, aren't you?" and I said "I don't know", and left hastily.

 

I guess that's that. This all feels pretty messed up to me. Guess there's nothing more to do here but be miserable or try to move on.

 

 

 

I have problems with this too in the past i have only initiated intimacy in a relationship and where i know and trust the person.......in all other cases on dates or when i have short term relationships it has been the guys who initiate....and i liek affection i miss it really i love cuddles and soft kisses..and then i do feel awkward when i am not ready to go further and its hard to know how to directly say no without causing them to be upset or mad......and ill either make a joke out of it when i push them away or ill say something slightly disparaging about myself to turn them off when that doesnt work..ill repeat everything ...i am in trouble if they dont pick up my cues.......if i am in a relationship when i get hit on ......its a lot easier......i just say im taken leave me alone.....dont know why i cant just do that when i am single......

 

 

i dont know about your gf but often people who have suffered emotional confusion by abuse and or physical abuse often maintain contact with exes and or feel guilt about them when they themselves are happy thinking or feeling unrightly so, that they are adding to the sadness of another by being happy.......confusing.....yep.......but thats emotional confusion thought i would share some insight as i am often emotionally confused.....i can maintain relationships but i have most of my exes in my life.......

 

someone once told me they thought i have stockholm syndrome.......i identify and feel for people who have abused me ..never treated or diagnosed correctly i feel on whatever i am..........i am an extreme case but ...emotional confusion i do happen to understand.......

 

you have to let her come to you....i don't think you can be friends with her even though it would suit her.......it does not suit you it brings sadness to your life......you dont need that sadness let her know you wont wait for ever people are not phones to put on hold...... doesnt matter how emotionally confused i am i actually dont expect people to wait for me one guy waited two years for me to be free he was a friend........i make a joke about it now and again say made ya suffer....but he knows what my jokes hide...........i never expected him to wait, i never do expect people to care to wait for someone like me and deep down he knows how much he touched me and my heart....i opened up to him which i have not done so before or since to a guy it takes me a very long time..............like no other i was able to be myself.....so yeah that ex is in my life too......

 

 

let her trust whatever you say is truth, stand by what you say and do be consistent and stable .........be thoughtful even , and even be there if she comes back to you...but dont wait....no one should have to spend time on saving themselves for a love, for a relationship that will never be...another woman who would love you like you deserve to be loved. might be out there waiting for you and not know it....so dont wait any longer.....heal yourself and be free....best wishes....deb

[Loman]

Thank you for your insight. She actually had a bad relationship with her mother, which has borderline personality disorder, which could account for some of her behavior.

 

Yeah, I don't think she wants me to wait for her. She said that she would be happy if I found someone else. It does seem she would like to be friends, but I feel that would be too uncomfortable for me.

 

It makes me very confused that she was once so attracted to me, said I was the most amazing man ever, and now that attraction seems to have disappeared out of thin air. I guess that's how rebound relationships work.

 

Thanks again.

[jbelle6]

Just don't contact her again now, she doesn't seem to be worth it.

I know it hurt that she said she wasn't attracted anymore but I think you were lucky. Doesn't seem you would have been able to cut her off yourself, so this is better than being another "ex" sitting around pining after her while she goes around sampling what she missed out on her entire 30's and a good amount of her 20's. I don't think she's going to be in a hurry to settle down with anyone right now.

[FredJones80]

I guess that's that. This all feels pretty messed up to me. Guess there's nothing more to do here but be miserable or try to move on.

 

 

Sorry buddy, it was always a gamble, you took it and lost. Don't be too hard on yourself, my ex always told me.. and something I really love to have taken from her is... "you don't ask, you don't get"

 

So you gambled, but many wouldn't and that shows courage. It could of paid off, it didn't, but at least you tried.

 

I think until she his over her ex she can't move on, that isn't your fault, but you deserve better than to be her rebound.

[Loman]

Just don't contact her again now, she doesn't seem to be worth it.

I know it hurt that she said she wasn't attracted anymore but I think you were lucky. Doesn't seem you would have been able to cut her off yourself, so this is better than being another "ex" sitting around pining after her while she goes around sampling what she missed out on her entire 30's and a good amount of her 20's. I don't think she's going to be in a hurry to settle down with anyone right now.

 

Thanks, I agree. Yeah, I get that idea too, she's really not looking to settle down at any point soon.

[Loman]

Sorry buddy, it was always a gamble, you took it and lost. Don't be too hard on yourself, my ex always told me.. and something I really love to have taken from her is... "you don't ask, you don't get"

 

So you gambled, but many wouldn't and that shows courage. It could of paid off, it didn't, but at least you tried.

 

I think until she his over her ex she can't move on, that isn't your fault, but you deserve better than to be her rebound.

 

Thanks for the support, I really appreciate it...

 

Yeah, at least I feel that I gave it a shot. I hope I didn't mess things up for the future, by staying around with her for too long and letting the relationship get strained, but I guess it's likely that it wouldn't work either way, and I need to think of moving on.

 

I completely agree, things would never work out between us while she hasn't moved on from her ex...

[Loman]

So it's been 3 weeks of no contact now, and today I received a rather long e-mail from her.

 

She said that she wants to know how I am, and that she wants to continue to be my friend. She said that what happened between us was too beautiful and important for us to stop talking as if we were enemies. She also said that now she really knows that she needs to be alone, that she's not ready for a relationship.

 

She says that she had always told me, during our relationship, that she wasn't ready and not completely committed to our relationship because she was still connected to her previous relationship. She said she thought I had understood, and didn't think that I would be hurt afterwards. She says she's sorry to have created expectations in me.

 

I feel like I should know how to handle this at this point, but I don't. It does make sense to me that we continue to be friends, but I would have to be careful to not get too close. Some days I feel like I want to be her friend, other days her lover, other days I'm angry at her, or hurt, or indifferent, or I feel like she's bad for me and want distance from her.

 

Any thoughts? Thanks.

Edited June 9, 2014 by Loman

[Loman]

Hi again,

 

So it's been over 6 months since my last post, and during this time I've had very little contact with the ex (on average less than an e-mail per month, with her almost always taking the initiative), except for the last week...

 

She called me about a week ago for my birthday, and then called me last Saturday and asked me out for dinner and a movie, out of nowhere. I accepted, and it went pretty well. After I returned home, she texted me saying that she left her bag in my car. I asked her when I could give it to her, she said "Whenever you want, I don't work tomorrow :)", and then she asked if I wanted to go see another movie tomorrow.

 

So we went to another movie the next day, and when I left her at home she asked if I wanted to join her for dinner. I did, everything went well, then she asked if I could help her with a few problems on her laptop, we sat on the couch, she sat very close to me, at one point she laid her head on my shoulder for a moment and said she was sleepy. Then it was getting late, I was going to leave, she hugged me, and I left.

 

So I guess I just wanted an outside opinion on what this looks like... If it looks like:

a) she's getting over her ex and realizing that she wants to have a romantic relationship with me.

b) she misses me as a friend, felt me drifting away, and is trying to have me back as a friend.

c) she really needed help with the laptop, realized that I come in handy at times, so she's trying to stay in good terms with me for whenever I'm "needed".

 

I myself have been pretty well without her the last few months, and while I still have feelings for her, they are at the moment about 10% of what they used to be. I haven't shown her any interest in that way, I've just been friendly to her. But I do fear getting hurt again if I increase contact with her, but on the other hand, if she's interested, there's a chance it might work this time around.

 

Any thoughts? Thanks.

[Ieris]

Glad to hear you have been moving on in the last 6 months, and your feelings have gone down to 10%.

 

I would say play it cool and see her as a friend but don't be too available. Don't get your hopes up over nothing as you have come a long way since your last post so don't throw all that away.

 

Don't flirt and behave as if you have feelings for her in anyway. If she wants it she can come and get it.

[Loman]

Thanks Ieris! Yeah, that's what I was thinking; just taking it easy and letting her come to me if she really wants it. While she's not 100% clear about what she wants, I'll just assume we're friends, nothing more.

[ponchsox]

Move on dude. There's plenty of fish in the sea.

[Light Breeze]

Yeah, if there is potential there and you want it still. Just let it play. Just be cautious and be prepared though that she just want to be friends.

 

Good luck brother.

[EgoJoe]

You missed your opportunity for sex. With her initiating affection and you leaving that was good but I think if it happens again make a move do the deed and leave.

 

 

Let her initiate do not respond quickly and reschedule at least once.

[Loman]

Thanks guys!

 

EgoJoe: It sucks to realize that, but I guess you're right, haha. It didn't really feel right to me, though.

[Ost]

There was no title, she just got out of a 11 year relationship. You tried controlling her. She can do what she wants, why she left your place. Now she doesn't have to hear ridicule for her being out late. That's your problem, you tried controlling her. She doesn't like that, she voiced it by her actions. She only being friends with you to ease her guilt. Same thing she doing with her ex.