Raena Posted May 6, 2014 Posted May 6, 2014 I'm in the process of healing from a pretty horrific end to an 11 year relationship due to cheating so maybe I'm just hyper aware of looking for signs that a man is untrustworthy... or maybe it's more common for married men to hit on single women than I ever thought... especially with the internet and social media. It's so easy to just sit in the comfort of your own home and have (inappropriate) interactions with others. Now that I'm single, the amount of married men that are coming out of the woodwork to hit on my just FLOORS me. I don't get it. I must have a sign on my forehead that says... oh look, she's easy prey... let me hit on her. In the past two months I have been hit on by 5 different men who are all married and have children. It's all been on facebook and it's all been guys that I either knew from high school and were close friends, went to school with and don't really know that well or are friends with someone I went to high school with. Each and every one told me that they had a "crush" on me in high school and then proceeded to flirt, make inappropriate comments, ask me out on dates, etc. It's really bizarre. What in the world is going on here!!!! Where were all these guys that were "crushing" on me when we were in school all those years ago? I swear, when I was in high school I never dated because no one ever asked me out on dates. I always thought there was something wrong with me. I must have this sign on my profile that says... hey look at that pathetic woman... she's single, let me hit on her. Where are all the single men? Oh wait, there probably aren't that many in my age range. Here I was... thinking it was safe to reconnect with old friends and classmates and that has proven to be wrong. I don't even leave the house, don't go on dates, don't go out of my way to make myself available and yet I'm still getting hit on by married men. It frightens me. It really does. Makes me think that infidelity is MUCH more common than I thought it was. Don't these guys realize that flirting with some woman you either haven't seen in 20+ years or have never met while being married is inappropriate? It disgusts me. Or am I just overreacting? I don't know... I'm not comfortable with it and if I were their wives, I wouldn't be happy with knowing my husband was behaving in this manner. OK rant over... not sure where this conversation will lead because I mostly just ranted and didn't ask for much advice... but feel free to rant right with me about how it's wrong! 1
purplesorrow Posted May 6, 2014 Posted May 6, 2014 I completely get where you are coming from. My wh's affair made me much more aware of the slippery slope of infidelity. Very easy to fall into if you don't have boundaries. I often told my husband he knew exactly which women he could flirt with as a married man. Sadly there were many who saw his ring but didn't mind crossing any lines.
atreides Posted May 6, 2014 Posted May 6, 2014 a lot, i mean a lot of guys have no guts to ask girls out.... i cannot tell you how many times i was asked by friends to get girls numbers for them back in the day or have them look their way. "crushing" is just that, no guts to make it happen... and i the internet still gives them a protective buffer to live their old crush. Many behave more brazen behind the keyboard too, helps reveal the "truer selves" now that they are married though... pathetic... they would rather type on a keyboard then getting it on in the bedroom... makes no sense. again, no guts no glory....
Author Raena Posted May 6, 2014 Author Posted May 6, 2014 a lot, i mean a lot of guys have no guts to ask girls out.... i cannot tell you how many times i was asked by friends to get girls numbers for them back in the day or have them look their way. "crushing" is just that, no guts to make it happen... and i the internet still gives them a protective buffer to live their old crush. Many behave more brazen behind the keyboard too, helps reveal the "truer selves" now that they are married though... pathetic... they would rather type on a keyboard then getting it on in the bedroom... makes no sense. again, no guts no glory.... Yeah, it's pretty pathetic to sit in the house with your wife and be busy flirting with someone else on the internet, probably right in front of her face, or while she's in bed sleeping after working hard to take care of the family all day. I find that behavior to be deplorable. I seriously doubt any of these guys would have had the guts to say any of that to my face if they actually were sitting in front of me. It makes me wonder though... does this behavior actually work? I think it must at some level... I'm sure there are some suckers out there who would tolerate and believe it, despite knowing the person is married. 2
Author Raena Posted May 6, 2014 Author Posted May 6, 2014 I completely get where you are coming from. My wh's affair made me much more aware of the slippery slope of infidelity. Very easy to fall into if you don't have boundaries. I often told my husband he knew exactly which women he could flirt with as a married man. Sadly there were many who saw his ring but didn't mind crossing any lines. It is a slippery slope without boundaries... even on my part too. Here I sit, alone and miserable (some of the time)... it would be really easy to get sucked into some dude paying attention to me if that's what I needed. I don't personally need it (at this point) and certainly NOT from some married guy. But what if I had had a crush myself on the person chatting with me. I can see how it could easily lead to disaster if I didn't have my own boundaries of what's acceptable and what isn't.
Speakingofwhich Posted May 6, 2014 Posted May 6, 2014 I wonder if you've just had a run with married men hitting on you? Idk. That happened to me one time only within about a two month period (eight or nine M men who made it clear they'd make sure I had fancy cars, etc, if I'd have an A) and I've been single a long time. Other than that I've had very few married men hit on me. Most are very respectful. I've thought back on that two month period of MM's hitting on me to that extent and thought it so odd. Also, that period of time is the only time men have offered me "gifts" to have an A. I was not different during that time than I usually am, dressed and acted the same. Have never accepted gifts or money to be a "girlfriend." Maybe you're just encountering an odd time period and things will settle down? Hopefully!
Author Raena Posted May 6, 2014 Author Posted May 6, 2014 Yeah, I'm sure it will die down soon enough... it could be just that these are people that I either knew or know through friends from high school. There is a limited pool of men that fit that category. It certainly isn't happening anywhere else in my life.... just fb and HS peeps. Might be something to that whole "let's catch up" phenomenon.
ThatsJustHowIRoll Posted May 6, 2014 Posted May 6, 2014 My sister is going through this right now with her current partner. They were both married to other people, had an 18 month affair and left their spouses for each other. They just had a baby 4 weeks ago. Most of the affair played out through Facebook and texting...even though they were Co workers. Last week she discovered that he was already having another affair with another mareied woman before she even left her husband...All through Facebook...and got.physical.once they were together... He also was caught sexting numerous other women for years through Facebook. 5 weeks ago he sent me a private message where he tried to.discuss my lady parts, my.marriage and my sex life. He is aware that my husband and I are having issues through my sister. He has NO concept of boundaries. I.immediately relayed the conversation to.my husband but sat on it because my sister was 9 months pregnant at the time. It all came out last night. He doesn't even understand how the conversation crossed several boundaries. Her first condition for reconciliation is no more Facebook.
ThatsJustHowIRoll Posted May 6, 2014 Posted May 6, 2014 (edited) Also... I found out last week that 2 years ago my 84 year old grandfather was caught in an online EA with another woman. It all came out when the husband cane to his door tersely asking for a "Mr John Smith"...The first words out of the BS's mouth were "wtf? You're an old man?!?!" Married over 60 years...11 kids, some.70 odd grandkids and great grandkids...Nice way for my physically co dependent grandparents to live out their twilight years ...crazy stuff Edited May 6, 2014 by ThatsJustHowIRoll
thefooloftheyear Posted May 6, 2014 Posted May 6, 2014 ....uhmm.....Plenty of married women do it, too... Just sayin' TFY
dichotomy Posted May 6, 2014 Posted May 6, 2014 ah yes - facebook has been the cause of many an affair. Well I guess you can have some fun with these old HS married connections. Ask them -" hey that's nice of you to ask - got any single friends?". or "so glad to hear from you - hey your wife seems great, I sent her a friend request and look forward to seeing more about your life!" If you have recently changed your relationship status you can be seen as fresh/easy prey. But then again these days not many people care if your married or single or in a relationship they simply hit on you anyway. 1
RonaldS Posted May 6, 2014 Posted May 6, 2014 It's a good thing married women never do that crap. Errrrrr.....oops! That's right, they do it all the time. So, I have a bunch of clients who are 'happily' married women. A significant majority of them have hit on me in some form or another, from innuendo and inference all the way to actually making a move on me or offering a standing invitation to hook up. Don't get me wrong. Guys are terrible. But women are not far behind. I think they're just more discreet. 2
MidwestUSA Posted May 6, 2014 Posted May 6, 2014 5 weeks ago he sent me a private message where he tried to.discuss my lady parts, my.marriage and my sex life. He is aware that my husband and I are having issues through my sister. He has NO concept of boundaries. I.immediately relayed the conversation to.my husband but sat on it because my sister was 9 months pregnant at the time. It all came out last night. He doesn't even understand how the conversation crossed several boundaries. Her first condition for reconciliation is no more Facebook. I hope you had a chat with your sister as well, seems like she has a boundary problem too. Might want to keep things from her if you don't want them getting around. Yikes all the way around.
Ninjainpajamas Posted May 6, 2014 Posted May 6, 2014 Welcome to the real world, it's way at the end behind the fantasy and fiction section, you've just never been that far down or cared to look or had the pleasure of noticing it. Basically, your situation is about as bizarre as wind blowing.
atreides Posted May 6, 2014 Posted May 6, 2014 (edited) ....uhmm.....Plenty of married women do it, too... Just sayin' TFY this is true, i know more women (married) then men that do that, but they have a different tact to it. One thing is for sure, for all the cheating whether it is men or women, there is the other half that are men and women that enable it too. Kind of makes the numbers of who's who even out. but that aside, I get the OP, she just went through hell and her context is based on her experiences and I am sure it is very off-puting to put it lightly to see all this MM activity on FB to her. Edited May 6, 2014 by atreides 1
Quiet Storm Posted May 6, 2014 Posted May 6, 2014 I think they are "fishing". They cast a line with attention & compliments (I had a crush on you in HS), and then see who bites. I think they probably assume most women aren't going to respond, but figure "what have I got to lose?". When you think about it, finding a person to cheat with in real life (without internet), takes a lot of work. If they are targeting coworkers or acquaintances, first they must try to guess who would be willing to cheat with a married guy. This involves watching women, trying to assess their self esteem, talking to them, asking others about them. Then, they have to approach and either "groom" them, by fostering a friendship- or by simply making a move, which could seriously offend a person if they aren't the type to have an affair. Some men hate to be rejected in person, and other men are just too shy to even approach women. With the internet, they just send a bunch of messages. If they get rejected, its no loss and not as embarrassing if it had happened in person. They don't have to waste months grooming a woman so that she is comfortable and familiar enough with him to cross the line. They can pick & choose their words carefully, without being nervous and having to think fast, like it would be in a face to face conversation. Plus, with old classmates, there is already a level of familiarity that seems to make women more trusting. Men know this and will exploit this. If one of the recipients happens to tell his wife, he can say he was bored, it meant nothing, just a little internet fun, he wanted to know if he's still "got it", etc. He figures he can talk his way out of trouble with his wife. So I can see how men seeking an affair find it a less risky way to find someone to cheat with.
Davey L Posted May 6, 2014 Posted May 6, 2014 As a MM I can't say I've ever done this. I do like to flirt, always have, just mild and harmless flirting with women I meet. But doing this on the internet? I don't know how to. How can I flirt with a woman if I can't gauge her body language, her facial expression, her tone of voice etc? It must be very crude and simple flirting and I can't see the fun in it. I like to see that I've put a smile on their face and a sparkle in their eyes, that's what I get out of it (and that's ALL I get out of it!).
snappytomcat Posted May 6, 2014 Posted May 6, 2014 yes i know what you mean,just this past weekend my husband surprised me to a trip to the mountains,and we were at our favorite bar and grill there,and when hubby went out to smoke,i immediately got hit on,im not a flirt,i was just sitting there minding my own business. anyways i also don't like to be mean either,so i kindly told him my husband just stepped out for a bit,and i wasn't interested,he did apologize
blueskyday Posted May 7, 2014 Posted May 7, 2014 (edited) Yeah, they are fishing. Seeing who they can catch. Just make sure you don't respond in kind. Don't say you had a crush on them or anything that they could view as a positive response. Like the other poster said, comment on their wives or just completely ignore their statement. I don't like Facebook. I'm off of it. I'd rather date a guy that does not have a Facebook page. I prefer real interactions, emails, texts, and sending photos to groups of people. I think it does provide an avenue for people who want to cheat. And for those who don't want to cheat, it creates a false sense of intimacy and familiarity with people you wouldn't otherwise be in contact with. Most people wouldn't have the nerve to try to do something like that in person. Edited May 7, 2014 by blueskyday
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