lovesfool Posted May 4, 2014 Posted May 4, 2014 I recently broke up with my boyfriend. The breakup was not mutual, I think he just fell out of love with me. But everytime I think back to all the good times we had together, I don't know how to react. Initially I feel happy because they were some great memories, but it is immediately followed by extreme sadness because I know I will never share those memories with him again. It was a unique moment between the two of us, and more than likely I will never be able to talk to anyone about them. They are forever trapped in my mind. I feel like all these good times are tainted. Once he said he wanted to end it, he just ripped all these good memories from me and replaced them with sadness. If I try to return to places we've been to before, I am reminded of being there with him and I immediately get upset. How do you cope with thinking back on the good memories of your failed relationships? Should you try to forget them? Try to overcome the sadness? What do you do? 3
livingnightmare Posted May 4, 2014 Posted May 4, 2014 For me Ive always forced myself not to think of them, it stirs up to much depressing emotions. 1
lamis Posted May 4, 2014 Posted May 4, 2014 I had a similar problem in the beginning. Eventually though in the healing process, you develop more anger and you start to realize what happened to you, that the other person essentially betrayed you by giving up on the relationship and the love you had for one another, and you don't really want to think about the happy times anymore for those reasons. So I guess they are still tainted, but you eventually get to a point where that taint doesn't upset you so much. Based on past break ups and subsequent healing(albeit from less serious relationships), once you are completely healed I think you will remember the good times and they won't be so tainted, assuming the breakup wasn't completely awful. But for now, not thinking about them is probably the best. You'll get them back someday, though. 2
True Gent Posted May 4, 2014 Posted May 4, 2014 I have the same issue with my memories of the good times. We had many, many good times and to think how she ripped my heart out and stamped all over it when she lined her new man up and flaunted it all in front of me. It's all well and truly tainted I can't look back with any fondness on 9 years of my life. It sucks, all I do is try not to think of any part of my life with her. I don't think there is much else to do really... Anger is my strongest emotion towards it all now. 2
JDPT Posted May 4, 2014 Posted May 4, 2014 Think about the bad memories very objectively and you will realize that the relationship wasn't as ideal as you thought. 4
Author lovesfool Posted May 4, 2014 Author Posted May 4, 2014 Think about the bad memories very objectively and you will realize that the relationship wasn't as ideal as you thought. That's the problem. We had no bad memories together. We never had a fight or any disagreements. The only thing I can think of are just character flaws, things that everyone has. Like being a bit lazy. Nothing that you would call a bad memory, which makes things harder I guess.
JDPT Posted May 4, 2014 Posted May 4, 2014 That's the problem. We had no bad memories together. We never had a fight or any disagreements. The only thing I can think of are just character flaws, things that everyone has. Like being a bit lazy. Nothing that you would call a bad memory, which makes things harder I guess. Dig deep at things you disliked. I took used to think my ex was this ideal goddess. Clearly, no one is perfect, the objective here is to objectively view this past relationship and you will see that if it was as ideal as you thought it was you guys would be together as we speak. You went through what you had to go through for a reason, internalize that fact and embrace it but most importantly learn from it in order to pave a better future and come out of this a new and improved you. 1
livingnightmare Posted May 4, 2014 Posted May 4, 2014 It's all well and truly tainted I can't look back with any fondness on 9 years of my life. It sucks, all I do is try not to think of any part of my life with her. I don't think there is much else to do really... I kind of feel the same, even though I had come to terms with the circumstances with my ex cheating at the beginning of the relationship, I only found out 3 years in and a child together and we were arguing constantly and badly by then, so when I think of the good times I was living a lie on who I thought I was with, Its quiet a hard thing to take in I have mourned someone who wasn't who I though they were. When I think deep on this my good times are deeply tainted and the ending confirmed I was with someone who was not real, was an imagination in my head who I did not know. I think? 1
jonsnuh Posted May 4, 2014 Posted May 4, 2014 It's healthier to have a more balanced perspective on your experiences, and knowing that these can be improved without your ex. Give it time. It may be wise not to trigger these memories by avoiding some places or doing some things that might rush your mind with the past. But eventually, you will pick up the pieces and come to realize that your ex missed out big for leaving you and that you did not settle for someone like him. 3
Author lovesfool Posted May 5, 2014 Author Posted May 5, 2014 It's so hard to avoid triggers. We did everything together. I go to a bar or restaurant, I am reminded of him. The movie theatre. Passing through the town where he lives. Songs remind me of him. Even when I hear someone else say certain phrases that he used to always say I think back to the good times. It's driving me crazy and I don't know how to stop thinking of him. 1
JDPT Posted May 5, 2014 Posted May 5, 2014 Everything you are currently experiencing is perfectly normal, you must go through it, and as crazy as it may sound, learn to embrace it in the meantime. I know that everything and anything reminds you of the post, however, you must find your inner strength and reroute those thoughts every single time. Practice makes perfect and you will succeed at the end. 1
BC1980 Posted May 5, 2014 Posted May 5, 2014 It's so hard to avoid triggers. We did everything together. I go to a bar or restaurant, I am reminded of him. The movie theatre. Passing through the town where he lives. Songs remind me of him. Even when I hear someone else say certain phrases that he used to always say I think back to the good times. It's driving me crazy and I don't know how to stop thinking of him. The longer you stay NC, the more distant the memories become. It's sad in a way, but it's necessary to moving on. You'll forget a lot of things, or, when a memory surfaces, there won't be as much emotion. It does take months though. 2
lamis Posted May 5, 2014 Posted May 5, 2014 It's so hard to avoid triggers. We did everything together. I go to a bar or restaurant, I am reminded of him. The movie theatre. Passing through the town where he lives. Songs remind me of him. Even when I hear someone else say certain phrases that he used to always say I think back to the good times. It's driving me crazy and I don't know how to stop thinking of him. I had this problem as well. I was with my ex-fiancee for 2.5 years, and in that time you obviously build a lot of memories together and, in our case a life together. This made it so that for the first few weeks after the break up everything -- even certain phrases or thing I do because of her influence, was upsetting to me. Triggers were everywhere. I am more than seven weeks from the break up, and I can say that the good news is that over time, and the further away from the break up you get, and the longer you are NC, the more distant those feelings get. You also basically get desensitized to things that are really frequent triggers. While you still might go "Man..this situation sucks. I can't believe things went down like that" when you encounter these triggers, you won't enter into a grief spiral anymore. So, unfortunately, there is no cure to the problems with triggers other than time. But I promise, how you are feeling now won't last forever. 2
Author lovesfool Posted May 5, 2014 Author Posted May 5, 2014 So, unfortunately, there is no cure to the problems with triggers other than time. But I promise, how you are feeling now won't last forever. I know that time cures all, but how did you cope while time passed? What did you do when those memories came back? Is there anything that can ease the pain besides waiting it out?
BC1980 Posted May 5, 2014 Posted May 5, 2014 I know that time cures all, but how did you cope while time passed? What did you do when those memories came back? Is there anything that can ease the pain besides waiting it out? The memories will come back at certain times, but they won't reduce you to tears. You become desensitized to the memories as times passes. I struggled with actually wanting to become desensitized even though I knew it was for my own good. I realized that once I made an effort to see my ex objectively, I really would have to move on. There could be no more idealizing the past because it puts you in a holding pattern. The best way I can suggest to move past the memories is to allow yourself to feel the pain that comes with them. Journal about why you feel sad, angry, lonely, whatever emotion the memory triggers. Then, move on from it. Do allow yourself to feel the normal emotions associated with loss, but don't wallow in them. A good idea is to put that energy into moving forward and deciding how you are going to continue life without him. I'm at the stage where I have accepted the loss and am working to rebuild my life as a person whose life is not attached to my ex. I do think you have to wait it out to a certain extent, which sucks in all honesty. I wish it were different, but we all have to go through it at some point in our lives.
lamis Posted May 5, 2014 Posted May 5, 2014 I know that time cures all, but how did you cope while time passed? What did you do when those memories came back? Is there anything that can ease the pain besides waiting it out? For the first couple of weeks, I tried my best not to think about them, but of course my brain was used to thinking about my ex with all aspects of everything. I just dealt with the emotion of sadness, wrote in a journal about how I was feeling, and have been seeing a therapist more or less since the break-up began. None of those things made the sad go away, though, but they do help ease the pain. Also, distractions are always good. Start a new hobby/resume an old hobby that has absolutely nothing to do with your ex --something you never did together, talked about doing, something you didn't even do at all when you were with your ex. That way whenever you are enjoying that hobby, there is really no way there can be a trigger. That is probably the thing that has worked best for me.
jonsnuh Posted May 5, 2014 Posted May 5, 2014 (edited) I know that time cures all, but how did you cope while time passed? What did you do when those memories came back? Is there anything that can ease the pain besides waiting it out? I am no psychologist, but this is what I've figured out: You say no. You say no to the power that 'he' has over you. I say 'he', because in a normal breakup (assuming he isn't the psychopath type out to get you, crazies ugh), your ex isn't doing this to you. That 'him' is a figment of the past that your mind still holds onto for comfort. It's paralysing. Your mind becomes its own prison. You need to tell yourself that you will not take any more of this and that there are no second chances to free yourself. Otherwise, once it comes to past you will realize everything within this period was just wasted. Do the things you like. Find yourself again. Reinvent yourself if you have to. The faster you bounce back, the better off you are. Say no. Say you need to move on with your life for something better, because time waits for no one. The longer and the more you stay stuck in that vortex created in your mind. But you are still alive. You can get out of that hell because you have that power. Get support from friends and family-- but realize they can only do so much to keep you stable to hit the ground running for what you want in life. Get therapy, medication if the BU affects your sleep. The bottom line is, this is your life and you make the most out of it with what you have and what you can. The last thing you want to lose is any sleep, or any joy in your life that you are missing out every time that pang of nostalgia reappears. Nostalgia is sentimentality of the past. It is derived from 'pain' and 'ache' from 'homecoming'. Would it not make sense to rather live in the now, in order to face the future? Edited May 5, 2014 by jonsnuh 4
Michael 93 Posted May 6, 2014 Posted May 6, 2014 I am no psychologist, but this is what I've figured out: You say no. You say no to the power that 'he' has over you. I say 'he', because in a normal breakup (assuming he isn't the psychopath type out to get you, crazies ugh), your ex isn't doing this to you. That 'him' is a figment of the past that your mind still holds onto for comfort. It's paralysing. Your mind becomes its own prison. You need to tell yourself that you will not take any more of this and that there are no second chances to free yourself. Otherwise, once it comes to past you will realize everything within this period was just wasted. Do the things you like. Find yourself again. Reinvent yourself if you have to. The faster you bounce back, the better off you are. Say no. Say you need to move on with your life for something better, because time waits for no one. The longer and the more you stay stuck in that vortex created in your mind. But you are still alive. You can get out of that hell because you have that power. Get support from friends and family-- but realize they can only do so much to keep you stable to hit the ground running for what you want in life. Get therapy, medication if the BU affects your sleep. The bottom line is, this is your life and you make the most out of it with what you have and what you can. The last thing you want to lose is any sleep, or any joy in your life that you are missing out every time that pang of nostalgia reappears. Nostalgia is sentimentality of the past. It is derived from 'pain' and 'ache' from 'homecoming'. Would it not make sense to rather live in the now, in order to face the future? This is PURE gold. Completely describes my situation right now.. Absolute horrible place to be.. But your advice is absolutely spot on. Bravo.. 2
SadNLonley Posted May 6, 2014 Posted May 6, 2014 I am no psychologist, but this is what I've figured out: You say no. You say no to the power that 'he' has over you. I say 'he', because in a normal breakup (assuming he isn't the psychopath type out to get you, crazies ugh), your ex isn't doing this to you. That 'him' is a figment of the past that your mind still holds onto for comfort. It's paralysing. Your mind becomes its own prison. You need to tell yourself that you will not take any more of this and that there are no second chances to free yourself. Otherwise, once it comes to past you will realize everything within this period was just wasted. Do the things you like. Find yourself again. Reinvent yourself if you have to. The faster you bounce back, the better off you are. Say no. Say you need to move on with your life for something better, because time waits for no one. The longer and the more you stay stuck in that vortex created in your mind. But you are still alive. You can get out of that hell because you have that power. Get support from friends and family-- but realize they can only do so much to keep you stable to hit the ground running for what you want in life. Get therapy, medication if the BU affects your sleep. The bottom line is, this is your life and you make the most out of it with what you have and what you can. The last thing you want to lose is any sleep, or any joy in your life that you are missing out every time that pang of nostalgia reappears. Nostalgia is sentimentality of the past. It is derived from 'pain' and 'ache' from 'homecoming'. Would it not make sense to rather live in the now, in order to face the future? This is my biggest issue. Everything I see or hear or do reminds me of him. I cant help it. Then the memories come flooding in and I just dont know how to stop them. Maybe a part of me doesnt want to forget him or the memories. I dont know. Ive done so much in the 10 months of our breakup to feel better, but moving on is the hardest part. I really got the final blow last month when i reached out to say Happy Bday to only hear he started dating again and that even though he loved me, he wasnt in love with me. That just kind of took me back months of working on myself. Now I have good days and bad days. I miss him so much that I feel Im going to die. I just need to stop the memories. Im thinking hypnosis to stop or help. lol
mercuryshadow Posted May 6, 2014 Posted May 6, 2014 Keep a list of the negatives. When we are infatuated and very attached to someone, we tend or magnify and exaggerate their good qualities. The antidote for this is to make a mental or physical list of their bad qualities, or the qualities they had which simply did not work for you. It should end with how badly they managed to hurt you at the closure of your relationship. Remind yourself of or look at this list as often as you need to. 1
Author lovesfool Posted May 6, 2014 Author Posted May 6, 2014 Keep a list of the negatives. When we are infatuated and very attached to someone, we tend or magnify and exaggerate their good qualities. The antidote for this is to make a mental or physical list of their bad qualities, or the qualities they had which simply did not work for you. It should end with how badly they managed to hurt you at the closure of your relationship. Remind yourself of or look at this list as often as you need to. I can understand how this would work, but I fear doing it. The relationship you have with someone may have been very good, even objectively. Then if they fall out of love with you, you instantly make them a villian. It seems like you are trying to lie to yourself that the relationship was bad, when it really wasn't. I must say though that today I tried it and found it much easier when I think about the negatives and completely ignore the positives, as hard as it is to do. I just feel like I might destroy all the good memories. 1
jonsnuh Posted May 6, 2014 Posted May 6, 2014 There will be time to think about the good memories in the future. What you are seeking in the moment, is a balance. Call it tainted or whatever, but the fact was there was always room for improvement. What you are trying to do is put whatever happened in the past, IN the past. This allows you to get up, functional optimally, and in the later stages, even be able to do the same things you had done with your ex with someone else or alone with a smile and not be controlled by these past ghosts. Look at it this way, the moment you sit down in a coffee shop reminiscing about the past, you must be in that stage where you know you are grounded-- you are fully aware that whatever in your mind IS in your mind. You are in the present. Any nostalgia is a luxury, a past-time. I would rather be checking out that girl across from me. Seasons change whether or not I like it. But I won't change or stay put for my ex. 1
mercuryshadow Posted May 7, 2014 Posted May 7, 2014 There will be time to think about the good memories in the future. What you are seeking in the moment, is a balance. Call it tainted or whatever, but the fact was there was always room for improvement. What you are trying to do is put whatever happened in the past, IN the past. This allows you to get up, functional optimally, and in the later stages, even be able to do the same things you had done with your ex with someone else or alone with a smile and not be controlled by these past ghosts. Look at it this way, the moment you sit down in a coffee shop reminiscing about the past, you must be in that stage where you know you are grounded-- you are fully aware that whatever in your mind IS in your mind. You are in the present. Any nostalgia is a luxury, a past-time. I would rather be checking out that girl across from me. Seasons change whether or not I like it. But I won't change or stay put for my ex. Thank you for this elaboration!! And it rings true. In my own experience, if you stay stuck on the past, you are wasting your own precious time. I regret torturing myself in this way in the past, and it kept me stuck (I was with someone who was very bad for me for 5 years). Once I finally let go and moved on, I saw things with much more clarity. I was able to think of the good times, but I was also able to remind myself of the many bad times without feeling anger. And at this point, I met the man who I am to marry in a few weeks.
littleplanet Posted May 9, 2014 Posted May 9, 2014 Allow yourself a chance to grieve for what you lost. The pain of it is part of being human, and believe me, you share a universal commonality with a lot of people. Over time, the sharpness of it will fade - but it may never go away entirely. The good times are what they are (or, what they were.) You are still enriched by them. Ultimately, the time comes to move on - and so you will. And when you do, all those natural healing powers kick in. In the meantime, try going as easy on yourself as you can. The end of one thing is eventually an opportunity to begin another. It's true.....you will never share those memories with him again. But someday, you'll share new memories with someone else. And that will be a good thing - for you. Letting go is a hard thing to learn how to do, but it is one of the most important things human beings ever learn. It makes us grow a lot....inside. So go ahead - let yourself smile at those beautiful memories. Why is it a beautiful song can make us cry? It doesn't wish to hurt us - it just wants to be loved for what it is. That's just fine. Joys and sorrows all bubble up from the same deep well. And when it works its way through, you'll be a stronger person. Accepting the tragedy of loss can make us feel weak as babies. But babies don't stay so weak for very long. Hope is your friend, not your enemy. The day will come when the tears precede the smile. And the smile will be longer lasting. That's what counts.
Recommended Posts