greyskys62 Posted May 4, 2014 Posted May 4, 2014 I'd love to hear some other perspectives on this. A little bit of background first: I've been dating my boyfriend for 6 months. I'm attracted to him and I enjoy his company most of the time, but there are some silly things about him that sometimes turn me off and make me want to run. I enjoy going on dates with him, but if he's staying over my place for the night, I get major anxiety and I'm uncomfortable with it. I keep thinking that if he were the right one for me, I'd always want to see him and have him around, and I wouldn't feel turned off by him sometimes (especially this early in the relationship). He's a super mush and says things in a tone of voice that sometimes makes me cringe, and while we've talked about it and he's made an effort to tone down the mush, it's simply his personality and I know that you can't change a person. He's a wonderful guy all around, though. In any event, I had a conversation with my mom last night about my uncertainty. She said that if he was the right one for me, I'd feel certain; that he should feel like my other half. This made my anxiety spike through the roof because I don't think I feel that way about him, but then I also questioned if she's just being super idealistic. Anybody out there in a successful, happy relationship that was filled with serious doubts and dread sometimes? Or is my mom right, and it's that simple--if you're uncertain, it's not the right relationship for you? Or will these answers come with more time, as it's only been 6 months? Thanks
d0nnivain Posted May 4, 2014 Posted May 4, 2014 Doubts are one thing. Having anxiety attacks because he's staying over at your place are a whole other level. I think 6 months may be too soon to conclude if he's the One but it might not be too soon to conclude that he's not. You need to analyze what's causing the anxiety. It's got to be something more than he's "mushy" 1
Gaeta Posted May 4, 2014 Posted May 4, 2014 If you were totally into him you would find his flaws to be endearing and yes you should want to spend time together specially over night time time. Sleeping next to someone is very intimate, if that makes you uncomfortable it's because your unconscious is alarming you this isn't the one for you. 1
Author greyskys62 Posted May 4, 2014 Author Posted May 4, 2014 His voice is a little nasally, sort of, and when he gets goofy or super mushy it sort of exacerbates that tone of his voice. It sounds stupid, I know, but I guess in terms of attraction that's been an issue for me. I'd hate to end a relationship over something so superficial, but I can't ignore it. As for him staying over, I don't mind sleeping next to him; that doesn't bother me. I can't explain it-- I guess I'm a very private person, and it's the idea of him coming into my space (I live alone in a condo) that makes me on edge. I don't have those feelings if I go to his place, or if we stay in a hotel together-- it's only when he's coming over here. I like to be in control, and I guess if he comes over I feel vulnerable? I don't know. I've never lived with a boyfriend before, and since graduating college 6 years ago I've lived by myself and I'm very independent. He's super attentive and always wanting to help and put me first, and I guess that makes me want to push him away sometimes. But geez, if I can't deal with that, I'm never going to be happy in a relationship. So part of my doubts with this whole thing is if it's just me, and this is a problem I'd have with anyone at this point in the relationship.
kodakgirl Posted May 4, 2014 Posted May 4, 2014 A bit of doubt is perfectly natural, even healthy; "dread" is not. I think I know the kind of feeling of anxiety you describe-- I am also a very private person and I don't really like people in my space who aren't super close to me, and even spending long periods of time with my best friends gets me feeling kind of uncomfortable sometimes. But the couple times in my life I've known someone I really really wanted to be with.... I felt none of that. It felt right to have them in my space and I could have spent any amount of time around them free of any anxiety or discomfort. Obviously we are different people and what's true for me may not be true for you, but maybe my similar-but-different perspective/experience can help you in looking at yourself and your own situation.
Leigh 87 Posted May 4, 2014 Posted May 4, 2014 My bf has annoying habits that make me take note but I am totally in love with every single thing he does/says, even the REALLY annoying things. They don't make me cringe like they once did early on when I first met him. It took me a while to conclude that I think he is the 'one', at least for ME. Not sure how HE feels. I am still not certain, I am not sure how HE feels about me, I am not HIM, I can only judge his actions towards me as a reflection of how I think he feels. I knew he was the "one" in my eyes when I thought about his set backs in life and how he has less options in life to earn a normal wage due to a brain injury he had that gives him an awful memory. I was scared he'd want kids and we would be dirt poor on his low wage/ and my average wage. After breaking up with him over this fundamental difference, that he wanted kids and I was worried he would want them even if we were both on low incomes...it became OVERWHELMINGLY apparent.... As CLEAR AS DAY to me, that I would rather spend my days poor, without ever travelling again (which I love), and without any material things beyond basic shelter, I would rather go without ALL those things just so I can spend my days with him. My life is infinitely better when he is in it. I have good friends I love and a lot on my plate with college and finding work. I have fitness goals and so many fun things I love doing. My life is in colour with him and it felt black and white before I met him, all my prior partners didn't change my life from black and white into colour. It is only 6 months together but it feels like a year or more; our lives now revolve around each others plans by default. I am 100% sure he is the one for me because I would give up everything to be with him. Unless he wanted me to say, have a threesome with him or have an open relationship. Yeah, if he wanted me to give up my values for him I wouldn't. Since I am dead against having other people entering into our sexual relationship.
Leigh 87 Posted May 4, 2014 Posted May 4, 2014 His voice is a little nasally, sort of, and when he gets goofy or super mushy it sort of exacerbates that tone of his voice. It sounds stupid, I know, but I guess in terms of attraction that's been an issue for me. I'd hate to end a relationship over something so superficial, but I can't ignore it. . My boyfriend has a bit of a short term memory problem and I have to repeat plans to him several times, sometimes 10 or 20 times a day he'll ask at his worst. Her also has an extremely loud burp he lets out very obnoxiously that is only 2 decibels quieter than the current world record holder (he measured). He has psoriasis all over his body which I find beautiful and I love. I wouldn't wave a wand and get rid of it even if I could. I still absolutely adore him to pieces at all times even if I occasionally get sh*tty with him when he forgets things. It is NEVER a turn off. I just get exhausted. 1
Author greyskys62 Posted May 4, 2014 Author Posted May 4, 2014 Thanks for all your replies. I think I'm going to ride out the relationship until an answer becomes obvious, because right now it's not. I tend to be a cynical person and it's hard for me to believe that someone is out there that would "bring color" into my black-and-white life-- I always thought that was something of idealized romance and movies-- and I find it easier to focus on the negatives. You guys give me hope, though, that the revelation of it being "right" can exist.. so I guess I'll wait and see. I'd be a lot more okay with waiting if I wasn't 28 and society didn't place a stigma on what my life should be looking like at this point in time. Damn that biological clock!
Leigh 87 Posted May 4, 2014 Posted May 4, 2014 Thanks for all your replies. I think I'm going to ride out the relationship until an answer becomes obvious, because right now it's not. I tend to be a cynical person and it's hard for me to believe that someone is out there that would "bring color" into my black-and-white life-- I always thought that was something of idealized romance and movies-- and I find it easier to focus on the negatives. You guys give me hope, though, that the revelation of it being "right" can exist.. so I guess I'll wait and see. I'd be a lot more okay with waiting if I wasn't 28 and society didn't place a stigma on what my life should be looking like at this point in time. Damn that biological clock! For most people it is idealistic. I am 27 and I feel that way though. I have dated a lot and had 2 long term relationships. I put it down to being instantly smitten with each other and the fact he turned out to be such a wonderful person. Plus a bit of an it factor. Has to be something different between all the other guys and the "one"
SadNLonley Posted May 4, 2014 Posted May 4, 2014 My boyfriend has a bit of a short term memory problem and I have to repeat plans to him several times, sometimes 10 or 20 times a day he'll ask at his worst. I find this absolutely hilarious!!!!! I have short term memory. My exBF was so sweet, he said "honey, you can repeat yourself 100 times and I will act likes its the 1st everytime". If i didnt love him before that, i certainly did after. to the OP. It took me 4 months to realize he was it. there would be no man to compare, i knew i wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. I have to say up to that point i really didnt think about "the rest of my life". We were dating and enjoying each others' company. it literally hit me like a ton of bricks. When you hear someone say "you just know". they are right. You do know. those little things that bother you now will intensify. I didnt even notice little quirks until well over a year into the relationship. At that point, it was just that. a quirk. i loved him. it was part of who he was. Now fast forward. We are no longer together. broken heart me. I still feel though that no one will ever compare to the way i felt about him. Even though we are not together, i love him. i wish him the best.
Hopeful30 Posted May 4, 2014 Posted May 4, 2014 A successful and happy relationship cannot be filled with doubts, otherwise its not a successful and happy relationship. I think you really contradicted yourself in that question. I also don't believe in "the one". That's a very new age concept that has only existed for the last what, 20, 30 years? I think its absolutely ridiculous and I think it's why so many people remain single into seniority, because they expect this spark, falling in love right away and everything going well for the rest of their lives, when things don't happen this way and the strongest relationships/marriages are the ones where people have extra crap going on but perservere. At least that's how I see it. Please get this "the one" nonsense out of your head, you're only harming yourself by thinking this way. A woman (and man for that matter) only need to be certain about one thing: that no matter what happens, they want to get through it with THIS particular person. They want to deal, live and get through sh*t with THIS particular person. You can't be certain about anything except about how you feel, and if you feel that you want to go through life with this particular person, I suppose that's all you really need to know.
SadNLonley Posted May 4, 2014 Posted May 4, 2014 I think its absolutely ridiculous and I think it's why so many people remain single into seniority, because they expect this spark, falling in love right away and everything going well for the rest of their lives You are so right. When it happened for me i was content in just dating this man. Enjoying our time when it hit me.
Recommended Posts