checkoutat10 Posted May 4, 2014 Posted May 4, 2014 Instead of concrete evidence or a confession? My husband will never fess up, but some things happened last night that lead me to believe he's at the minimum involved in an emotional affair. Long story short I had to use his phone and noticed in the call log (which came up when I tapped the phone icon--I didn't go looking) there were several calls to/from "Air Force" while I was at work today. Puzzled, I asked him about it and he literally flipped out, sweating bullets, stuttering, the whole nine yards. Said it was his good friend from Germany who's in the AF and that's how he remembers him. Blah, blah, blah. Looked up the number and it comes up with a female's name in CA. Made him call it right then and there and a female's voice came on voicemail "This is Lani..." It deconstructed from there. The night ended with him crying at 1am saying he had devised this master plan 3 years ago with fake numbers and names to try and test my faith in him. I felt like I was in a mental ward talking to the star patient. He will never confess, it is not his nature. He is a very proud, egotistical military man. Not to mention it could ruin his career. I don't know what to do. I have toyed with calling the number today but I'm terrified to. I did text the number last night asking simply if this was XXXX's number, but I never got a reply. I feel sick. I want to move out. Background: Married for almost 12 years, 4 children ages 3-17.
d0nnivain Posted May 4, 2014 Posted May 4, 2014 I wouldn't end a marriage on a hunch but based on what you have I might hire a private detetcive to get some more concrete evidence. If it's "only" an emotional affair perhaps with counseling I would consider trying to save the marriage. If they were physical I'd just get out. 2
DKT3 Posted May 4, 2014 Posted May 4, 2014 I did, divorced. Well I filed and she was served before she confessed. I think after so long I knew I didn't need proof or a confession. 1
2sunny Posted May 4, 2014 Posted May 4, 2014 Yes, but my gut never lies. I searched for evidence. Then I presented my plan to divorce based on my solid evidence. Now your H will cover up all his evidence. If anyone moves, it should be him. I'd call the number - but it's probably too late - he probably already notified her that you're on to him and checking. He sounds guilty. What is your plan?
SoleMate Posted May 4, 2014 Posted May 4, 2014 In cases like this, the cheating, though big and important, isn't even the major issue....it's the lies and manipulation and gaslighting. On any possible reading of the evidence, even the most "favorable" to your husband, accepting every claim of his at face value, he's been....manipulating you and lying to you for 3 years to test your faith? So his own admissions damn him utterly. But let's be real, his supposed master faith-testing plan is just the latest lie. He almost certainly is cheating, and most likely PA. The only real question in this scenario is, what will you do now you know? I do think it may be worth while to hire a PI, not so much to tell you whether he's cheating, as to give you enough detail so you can feel a little more control over the situation. Not sure this marriage can last. Sorry.... 2
Fluttershy Posted May 4, 2014 Posted May 4, 2014 You don't test your spouse's trust in you. And you don't set up fake numbers to mind fack the person you "love". This is manipulation and gaslighting. Even if on the slight chance he is being honest do you really want to be with someone who plays these mind games. I am sorry but you cannot make him change or confess. I would say it is time to call a lawyer. He has serious issues and appears to arrogently handle you. If you feel you do need to know more for your own clarity than hire a PI. But unless you are willing to live with someone who thinks it is okay to treat you like this I don't see a chance for this marriage with his current attotude. 4
BetrayedH Posted May 4, 2014 Posted May 4, 2014 Get concrete proof. Acceptance is the last stage of grief and it's hellacious trying to accept what you don't know. Stop confronting him. Play stupid and compliant. And go into investigative mode. Don't ask for explanations. Just get enough info to feel confident that you're making an informed decision. You don't need to prove to him that he's cheating; he already knows. You just need to prove it to yourself. The best confrontation is done with divorce papers. 2
Darren Steez Posted May 4, 2014 Posted May 4, 2014 Rarely is the gut wrong. It's only when we confront without evidence that we managed to get convinced we're nuts. Quite obviously the "I'm testing your faith" excuse is utter tosh. Go full stealth mode, key loggers the lot. Get the proof and put your mind at east 1
MuddyRock Posted May 4, 2014 Posted May 4, 2014 Well, based on your previous posts, seems he has been cheating LONG time.
janedoe67 Posted May 4, 2014 Posted May 4, 2014 I would bet my next bonus he is cheating. Get phone and texting records from your carrier and find out about this Lani while putting a keyloggers on his computer. 1
Author checkoutat10 Posted May 4, 2014 Author Posted May 4, 2014 Yeah, well....it's over. After fighting all morning he finally came out with it. He's been talking to this chick from when he was stationed in Germany for the past three years. According to him it's be strictly platonic. Of course I believe every word he says . I made him call again from his phone....voicemail. He primed and groomed her well. So glad my ****ing husband can protect this bitch but not his own wife. After the shock wore off he was all tears, crying and groveling... I was a good wife to him. I stood by every deployment, every PCS...I never faltered and I never once even thought about another man. I have already researched attorneys in the area. I hope to file on Wednesday (my first day off). I feel numb. I had a period of bawling but now I'm just pissed that I wasted 13-14 years of my life with this man. Mothered his children. God I'm an idiot. He really got me this time.
harrybrown Posted May 5, 2014 Posted May 5, 2014 So sorry for your pain. After you file, do try to do the 180 to help you. (getting distance from him)
darkmoon Posted May 5, 2014 Posted May 5, 2014 be careful not to move out you might lose your right to the home talk to a lawyer, find one who can get you financial security, you need to look at the practical side
BetrayedH Posted May 5, 2014 Posted May 5, 2014 Do your best to make decisions with your head, rather than your emotions. Let the other people do crazy stuff; keep your head in the game. As for the wasted years, you have an incredible amount of company here. 1
Author checkoutat10 Posted May 5, 2014 Author Posted May 5, 2014 This pain is so unbearable.... I don't want the house. I don't want any of it. I want to cut my losses and get the F out. He has been showing remorse...crying...apologizing...telling me it isn't me fault (no **** Sherlock!). But still protecting her. He told me he couldn't remember her last name (I wanted him to go to her Facebook page so I could see her)...LIES!!! You don't know someone for 3 years and not know their last name!!! Oh my God I don't know how I can get through this. Already the tears are falling and I have to leave for work in a few minutes................
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