Scared of the marriage not being perfect...

[waterwoman]

..after all the trouble we have been through to reconcile.

 

Before the affair (and the rocky year or so prior to that) if we had a row, we had a row, it didn't mean we were about to divorce. If I sounded a bit short on the phone when he rang me, or he was a bit quiet in the evening, that was all it was, not the beginning of the end. Now I worry about it - I have this feeling that it has to be so perfect all the time.

 

I am not perfect, neither is he. We have normal imperfect kids and imperfect lives. I can't pretend that everything is shiny and new all the time. We can't be all starry-eyed and passionate 24 hours a day. I'm tired of pretending to be perfect. Reading about people's affairs on here - when there is so much 'chemistry' and connection makes me wonder if I am wasting my time when what we have had for many years was just ordinary and contented and comfortable and it was good enough, more than good enough really. But I feel guilty if I hanker after that as if I am not trying hard enough. Is it just laziness or not trying hard enough?

 

When will it be safe to be comfortable again?

[BetrayedH]

I have to wonder if it is ever really going to be wise to get comfortable again. I'm not saying to strive for perfection but I think the combination of blind-trust (is that akin to feeling safe?) and complacency is something we have learned to be very dangerous. We learned the hard way. Maybe we should never really get safe and comfortable?

 

Not saying I have an answer here. Just musing.

[dichotomy]

I think it takes an understanding - a deeply honest understand by each partner what the other considers "good" or "good enough" to be content. That does not mean fight (row) free - or bad spots, but what is comfortable and basic needs in the marriage. And then if the partner can provide what the other considers basic needs ....that can be tricky for some.

 

But I get the whole divorce concern...over the years my wife has worried I will leave her, and sometimes I believe she will leave. Also as I have mentioned elsewhere - a normal row or stress - often gets elevated by past affair. Its like you have and old sport injury and maybe you hit your leg on a door - and the pain is double what it would be for someone without an old injury ya know?

[JamesM]

No one can see the future, and every marriage is a risk. I guess only time will show whether the trust is rebuilt enough to withstand the stresses of marriage. The closest comparison I can make is when my wife and I were dating and broke our engagement. At first it seemed like we started all over again. Every disagreement was a concern. Every decision seemed monumental. But in time as we rebuilt our relationship on a different foundation, then we began relaxing.

 

I think that is what will happen to you. In time, you will not worry as much as you do now. Now every imperfection seems like a crisis. Then it will be put into perspective.

 

I know what you are saying. I read here too of such wonderful affairs. I feel like my best fantasy is just around the corner in an illicit relationship. Why am I wasting my time in this marriage which takes work when I can have an affair that will be a "happily ever after" fling?

 

So many people want an affair and realize too late that they got a relationship.

 

And then I realize that when the "affairy" dust settles, I will still be in a relationship with another person who will as imperfect as my wife. Why oh why would I want another one of those when the person I truly love is my wife? Much as the appeal of a fantasy is exciting, I am adult enough to realize that it won't stay that way.

 

I am guessing that since your husband has come back to earth from his affair, he too realizes that the grass is not greener in "affairyland." While you will understandably be uneasy for a long time (experts say it takes five years approx), I think in time you will relax.

 

Your husband chose you. You chose your husband. Now time will rebuild your marriage if the two of you stick to the re-commitment you both made.

 

I have a friend on FB whose husband cheated too. That was over five years ago. I can read and see that they are more in love than before the affair. It is entirely possible that you will reach that point too.

[fellini]

I have to wonder if it is ever really going to be wise to get comfortable again. I'm not saying to strive for perfection but I think the combination of blind-trust (is that akin to feeling safe?) and complacency is something we have learned to be very dangerous. We learned the hard way. Maybe we should never really get safe and comfortable?

 

Not saying I have an answer here. Just musing.

 

I hear you, but SAFE definately. If I felt we couldn't be safe, I wouldn't bother. Comfortable? Depends on which meaning we have here.

 

Comfortable, as in having a normal life, not having to question, prod, spy, feel like I need a GPS on a car, etc., YES I want that comfort.

 

Comfortable as in no worries. Just relax, take it easy, don't worry, be happy, let it flow. No that comfortable is what turned completely OFF my radar.

 

I don think it's impossible to have a low level radar running and still feel safe and comfortable in a post-A marriage.

 

I ask myself: If I leave and find myself a new spouse, am I going to be safe and comfortable with her? I have no reason to believe that is possible, and every reason to believe that would be stupid. I would have to have an even higher radar dealing with someone who I didn't have 17 years with previously.

[harrybrown]

I thought I was comfortable after 35 years. The last 3 and 1/2 years have not been comfortable at all.

 

I keep checking for new flags and I am tired of checking up on her. This is no way to live. So I have to give it up and realize that if she wants to cheat again or continue cheating, I can not control her.

 

I am trying to be happy with me and my decisions. If I find out anymore, we will divorce after 40 years.

 

She will get half and will have to try to get by on her salary and about 1/2 million. She will spend it quickly.

 

I do hope you find a way to get comfortable, but I have decided to focus on being the best me. If she wants to stay, she will have to behave.

 

Just be the best you that you can.

[waterwoman]

Thanks all

 

harry - I don't beleive he will cheat again. I think he is still a bit shellshocked that he did it the first time! It's more something in me that feels if thing went so wrong we need to jump through endless hoops to make sure it isn't wrong again.

 

Also when James said " I read here too of such wonderful affairs. I feel like my best fantasy is just around the corner in an illicit relationship. Why am I wasting my time in this marriage which takes work when I can have an affair that will be a "happily ever after" fling?" that is more or less what I feel. If hearts and flowers and fairy dust are so damned wonderful why can't I go and find me some...

 

But the reality is I'd far rather settle for being single again over an unsatisfactory relationship. I'd rather feel at ease alone than on tenterhooks with anyone else.

[nightmare01]

I think any BH that blindly trusts their WS again is a fool. And going from trusting to not trusting can be unsettling.

 

In the end we all do the best we can with our WS. We shouldnt be breaking ourself in the process of pleasing our WS though. We could be the picture perfect partner. but if the OP comes along and contacts our WS saying "honey I won the lottery. come fly away with me" our WS could very well go. What we do or dont do doesnt really matter. unless your being a ass hat and abusing them every day.

 

Whether our WS cheats again is totally out of our hands. We also cant control whether the OP contacts our WS again. These are the 2 people that destroyed our lives and we cant stop them from trying to do it again.

 

What we can control is our self though. The 1 person we can trust is our self. So while we can not control the actions of our WS we can control our response.

[Furious]

..after all the trouble we have been through to reconcile.

 

Before the affair (and the rocky year or so prior to that) if we had a row, we had a row, it didn't mean we were about to divorce. If I sounded a bit short on the phone when he rang me, or he was a bit quiet in the evening, that was all it was, not the beginning of the end. Now I worry about it - I have this feeling that it has to be so perfect all the time.

 

I am not perfect, neither is he. We have normal imperfect kids and imperfect lives. I can't pretend that everything is shiny and new all the time. We can't be all starry-eyed and passionate 24 hours a day. I'm tired of pretending to be perfect. Reading about people's affairs on here - when there is so much 'chemistry' and connection makes me wonder if I am wasting my time when what we have had for many years was just ordinary and contented and comfortable and it was good enough, more than good enough really. But I feel guilty if I hanker after that as if I am not trying hard enough. Is it just laziness or not trying hard enough?

 

When will it be safe to be comfortable again?

 

 

 

The same can be said about affair partners who end up together. An affair is stolen moments, an escape from their ordinary selves. The high, the concentrated parts of themselves that in real life is impossible to be 24/7.

 

Many affair partners who end up together may need counselling, to transition from the affair and into an open relationship. Even they know the affair relationship cannot compete with becoming a full time couple.

 

Affairs are just that, a tiny slice of reality that is compartmentalizd and controlled by the secrecy of it.

 

A marriage cannot compete with an affair. Imagine having a marriage and children in the context of stolen moments. How easy would it be to raise children if you only had to text them, message them without actually getting them dinner, taking them to their sporting events or help them with their studies. A virtual world without the sacrifice but only the benefits. Same for the marriage, imagine being adored and worshiped if it only required volleying compliments and a visit to a hotel.

 

Reconciliation, requires bringing in more intimacy along with reality of life.

 

Feeling safe, feeling trust, feeling connected, being there for the good times and the not so good times. Having a family, a career, just keeping things running, and taking the time to enjoy one and other and appreciate each other. It's a deeper and more consistent love.

 

Hang in there WW....be yourself....don't compete with the affair. Don't be too hard yourself. Celebrate yourself, you're a gem.

[dichotomy]

 

And then I realize that when the "affairy" dust settles...

 

I am guessing that since your husband has come back to earth from his affair, he too realizes that the grass is not greener in "affairyland.

 

 

LMAO !

 

Can we start a theme park with this name?

 

I am thinking of all the character names right now - Dummpy, foggy, aboutme, and featuring the affairies - trashy, stealer, and wrecker

 

There could be rides - the roller coaster that has no restraints, the tunnel ride that only seems good because its free to enter but you pay to leave at the end...

[notserene]

LMAO !

 

Can we start a theme park with this name?

 

I am thinking of all the character names right now - Dummpy, foggy, aboutme, and featuring the affairies - trashy, stealer, and wrecker

 

There could be rides - the roller coaster that has no restraints, the tunnel ride that only seems good because its free to enter but you pay to leave at the end...

 

Thanks...you made me laugh

[Red123]

The same can be said about affair partners who end up together. An affair is stolen moments, an escape from their ordinary selves. The high, the concentrated parts of themselves that in real life is impossible to be 24/7.

 

Many affair partners who end up together may need counselling, to transition from the affair and into an open relationship. Even they know the affair relationship cannot compete with becoming a full time couple.

 

Affairs are just that, a tiny slice of reality that is compartmentalizd and controlled by the secrecy of it.

 

A marriage cannot compete with an affair. Imagine having a marriage and children in the context of stolen moments. How easy would it be to raise children if you only had to text them, message them without actually getting them dinner, taking them to their sporting events or help them with their studies. A virtual world without the sacrifice but only the benefits. Same for the marriage, imagine being adored and worshiped if it only required volleying compliments and a visit to a hotel.

 

Reconciliation, requires bringing in more intimacy along with reality of life.

 

Feeling safe, feeling trust, feeling connected, being there for the good times and the not so good times. Having a family, a career, just keeping things running, and taking the time to enjoy one and other and appreciate each other. It's a deeper and more consistent love.

 

Hang in there WW....be yourself....don't compete with the affair. Don't be too hard yourself. Celebrate yourself, you're a gem.

 

So well said!! I wish there was a double like.

[RightThere]

I think any BH that blindly trusts their WS again is a fool. And going from trusting to not trusting can be unsettling.

 

Thank you for that. It was another "a-ha" moment for myself.

 

My marriage pre-D-Day was 100% blind trust in my WW. I always thought that is what a marriage was supposed to be so I gave it to her. The broken trust was one issue. but that switch from trusting to not trusting was very unsettling and foreign.

 

Now knowing I won't ever have 100% blind trust in anyone ever again is something I have to still come to grips with.

[anne1707]

Thank you for that. It was another "a-ha" moment for myself.

 

My marriage pre-D-Day was 100% blind trust in my WW. I always thought that is what a marriage was supposed to be so I gave it to her. The broken trust was one issue. but that switch from trusting to not trusting was very unsettling and foreign.

 

Now knowing I won't ever have 100% blind trust in anyone ever again is something I have to still come to grips with.

 

As a fWS who has reconciled, I totally understand this problem with trust. I think the way to manage it in a positive way is instead of not taking trust for granted, don't take the effort required in making a marriage successful for granted. Writing that I can see how that could be seen as a potential dig at BS but that is not what I mean at all. I would say this to any person in a marriage - it is not something to be taken for granted, you should not just assume that you no longer have to make that....

 

 

Bother. I want to make this post but I can't get the right words tonight to convey what I mean.

 

How about this? Instead of worrying about whether 100% trust can ever be achieved (whether with the WS or someone new), focus on working on the relationship, know what you want and expect from it, don't settle for less than that, give everything of yourself that you can to your partner and maybe you will find that you do trust in time

[frogss29]

Comfortable to me means being able to wear the PJs and dressing gown on a cold winter night.

Comfortable to me means being able to share my inner most feelings and fears without being made to feel like a fool.

Comfortable, to me, means knowing the people I care about the most care the most about me.

And if my husband didn't feel the same way about those things, there really would be no point in trying to work things out.

Just like a BS has a choice to stay or leave, so does the FWS.

He doesn't HAVE to be there.

I think there comes a time when you have to look long and hard at what you have now and realise everything is going to be OK.

As long as you both prioritise each other and show and feel real love , then everything is going to be OK .

[WasOtherWoman]

Reading about people's affairs on here - when there is so much 'chemistry' and connection makes me wonder if I am wasting my time when what we have had for many years was just ordinary and contented and comfortable and it was good enough, more than good enough really. But I feel guilty if I hanker after that as if I am not trying hard enough. Is it just laziness or not trying hard enough?

 

 

Oh blah blah blah on the affair chemistry. I have been married to my affair partner for nearly 15 years now. Sure there was "crazy chemistry and connection" (and fairies and roses and unicorns and rainbows, etc etc) at first. But now, while still wonderful and certainly better than I ever could have hoped for..... it is ordinary and very contended and very comfortable. And more than good enough.

 

Don't get swayed by other people's descriptions of things. Nothing is exciting and awesome 100% of the time, despite folks trying to convince others that it is.