After ugly breakup... if you sincerely want to not become a stranger?

May 1, 2014

So, with my recent breakup, upon reflection I sincerely don't want to date the person ever again, but would actually like staying in touch, staying a part of their life (if even very trivial), perhaps getting a drink every now and then (if she stays in my area).

So, what is the procedure for this? Do I let, say, four-six months go by, and then reach out and pretty much state this and see how she responds?

Are apologies in order if her perceived justification for the breakup was some--again--perceived problem?

Again, I sincerely want to actually be her friend someday. And based on our history, we would actually make great friends. Terrible co-habitants/lovers, but pretty good friends.

Ideas?

(note: by "ugly" breakup, I mean many arguments, insults, a separation, and then about a month of heated text-message exchanges before one of us restricted, de-friended, and then blocked the other on Facebook)

May 1, 2014

So, with my recent breakup, upon reflection I sincerely don't want to date the person ever again, but would actually like staying in touch, staying a part of their life (if even very trivial), perhaps getting a drink every now and then (if she stays in my area).

So, what is the procedure for this? Do I let, say, four-six months go by, and then reach out and pretty much state this and see how she responds?

Are apologies in order if her perceived justification for the breakup was some--again--perceived problem?

Again, I sincerely want to actually be her friend someday. And based on our history, we would actually make great friends. Terrible co-habitants/lovers, but pretty good friends.

Ideas?

(note: by "ugly" breakup, I mean many arguments, insults, a separation, and then about a month of heated text-message exchanges before one of us restricted, de-friended, and then blocked the other on Facebook)

Just gone through the same thing with around 8 weeks of verbal sh*t flying back and forth via text/phone call. NC 10 days.

My blood is still boiling so don't think I could be her friend for a long time yet after she hurt me.

May 1, 2014

Question, are you the dumper or dumpee?

May 1, 2014

Question, are you the dumper or dumpee?

Technically, I was the dumper. I declared first that we weren't in a relationship. I moved out without warning.

I say "technically" because since then I have frequently asked her to take me back and done all the chicken-s**t begging (well sort of) combined with arguing.

Anyhow, I'd be interested in hearing your perspective from both ends, but in my situation it's not so "black and white"

To make a very long story short, I was technically the "dumper," she was very shocked and sad at seeing me gone from her place, and has since been very bitter.

May 1, 2014

Just yesterday I had had enough of the degrading and dehumanization from this person, and I told her so. Even given my attached feeling and difficulty moving on, I can only take so much.

You said this in your last thread. And I have read your other threads. If you have any self-respect and dignity within yourself, you'll come to terms that your need to be a part of this person's life is solely stemming from your fear of detaching, which is only temporary -- for now, rather than the silly notion that someone that treats you badly has the qualities of being a friend to you.

It would be best for you to rethink revisiting this person.

May 2, 2014

You said this in your last thread. And I have read your other threads. If you have any self-respect and dignity within yourself, you'll come to terms that your need to be a part of this person's life is solely stemming from your fear of detaching, which is only temporary -- for now, rather than the silly notion that someone that treats you badly has the qualities of being a friend to you.

It would be best for you to rethink revisiting this person.

Well, I will indeed rethink this for sure. B/c I wouldn't actually contact this person for a few months anyway... (but that's another problem as this person's "time-line" isn't on the same metronome as most of the worlds, nevermind).

I invested a great deal in this relationship, most importantly time (life's most precious commodity), and I feel like rather than lose the investment, I might as well sell it for cents on the dollar, getting a friendship in return.

But yeah, it is not easy for me to "detach." It is that, with a mixture of miscellaneous emotions I won't go into, as to why I am interested in maintaining social contact with this person.

May 2, 2014

Well, I will indeed rethink this for sure. B/c I wouldn't actually contact this person for a few months anyway... (but that's another problem as this person's "time-line" isn't on the same metronome as most of the worlds, nevermind).

I invested a great deal in this relationship, most importantly time (life's most precious commodity), and I feel like rather than lose the investment, I might as well sell it for cents on the dollar, getting a friendship in return.

But yeah, it is not easy for me to "detach." It is that, with a mixture of miscellaneous emotions I won't go into, as to why I am interested in maintaining social contact with this person.

This is a really weird reason and reeks of bs, no offense. Part of investing is knowing when to get rid of bad stock. I think there's some deeper motive here than wanting to simply be friends.

May 2, 2014

This is a really weird reason and reeks of bs, no offense. Part of investing is knowing when to get rid of bad stock. I think there's some deeper motive here than wanting to simply be friends.

Oh, there are deeper motives.

May 2, 2014

Oh, there are deeper motives.

That's what I thought. I don't think you are being completely honest when you say that you have no desire to date her again. If you did, you wouldn't care less about being friends with her (which would probably give it a better chance of happening actually). But yeah, I think you need to be more honest about your motivations. This whole "getting some return on my investment thing" doesn't pass the smell test.

May 2, 2014

That's what I thought. I don't think you are being completely honest when you say that you have no desire to date her again. If you did, you wouldn't care less about being friends with her (which would probably give it a better chance of happening actually). But yeah, I think you need to be more honest about your motivations. This whole "getting some return on my investment thing" doesn't pass the smell test.

Some part of me wants to keep the happy memories alive, even with a platonic friend.

Some part of me wants to let time pass and the problems to diffuse, and replace negative emotion with neutral or positive

Some part of me wants to--regardless--show that I have changed and that she was at a loss for not taking me back

Some part of me wants to prove to myself that I can be in the person's presence without blowing up

Some part of me doesn't want to burn bridges.

Some part of me actually wants to just be friends, kind of get to know her more over time, and just see what happens...

And all of me knows this is 90% lame/pathetic/lost-cause... but the 10% is worth a try. If it doesn't work/happen, so be it. I'm long past the shame of re-establishing contact. I won't hesitate to do it. But this time, I am going to let time pass; time that anyone would need, and multiply it by 10 for what this person's mind needs.

May 2, 2014

Some part of me wants to keep the happy memories alive, even with a platonic friend.

Some part of me wants to let time pass and the problems to diffuse, and replace negative emotion with neutral or positive

Some part of me wants to--regardless--show that I have changed and that she was at a loss for not taking me back

Some part of me wants to prove to myself that I can be in the person's presence without blowing up

Some part of me doesn't want to burn bridges.

Some part of me actually wants to just be friends, kind of get to know her more over time, and just see what happens...

And all of me knows this is 90% lame/pathetic/lost-cause... but the 10% is worth a try. If it doesn't work/happen, so be it. I'm long past the shame of re-establishing contact. I won't hesitate to do it. But this time, I am going to let time pass; time that anyone would need, and multiply it by 10 for what this person's mind needs.

I'd recalibrate those percentages to 99 and 1 to be quite honest. You are basically looking for another person to complete a process that you need to complete by yourself. Honestly, if you do it the right way and get your own closure instead of hoping she "bails you out", you'd be in a hell of a lot better position to fulfill those goals, as misguided as they are. But more than likely you won't want to.

Either way, having these thoughts at this part of your breakup is counterproductive to your recovery.

May 2, 2014

When your "friend" tells you about the random hot guy whose name she cannot remember did to her in bed last night... You will wish that you listened to us and never pursued your "friendship".

Below is a REAL example of what an Ex (former fiancee) told a dumpee:

Excerpt taken from here ----> Ex Fiancee with new guy

Well, I hear what you are saying, but this girl is a prude. She waited six months till sex with me, had two-year RS with no sex, waited 8 months with another guy.

Not gonna go into other details, but that is not the kind of rudeness she would project.

Anyway, I'll take it under advisement.

May 2, 2014

I'd recalibrate those percentages to 99 and 1 to be quite honest. You are basically looking for another person to complete a process that you need to complete by yourself. Honestly, if you do it the right way and get your own closure instead of hoping she "bails you out", you'd be in a hell of a lot better position to fulfill those goals, as misguided as they are. But more than likely you won't want to.

Either way, having these thoughts at this part of your breakup is counterproductive to your recovery.

So, how would I do it (and what would be the right attitude) to get closure, and proceed the right way with this?

May 2, 2014

So, how would I do it (and what would be the right attitude) to get closure, and proceed the right way with this?

By completely scrapping this desire to be her friend and forging forward with No Contact as a means to put the failed relationship completely in the rear view mirror. That means keeping busy, hanging out with old friends, finding new friends, devoting yourself to a hobby and activity, traveling, working out, breaking out of your comfort zone and evolving. Getting to the point where you completely turn the page on the relationship and live for today and tomorrow, not yesterday.

But yeah, it's not a movie. There won't be a specific moment where you'll be like 'YES, CLOSURE!!!" It'll likely happen without you noticing it, which is a hell of a lot more rewarding.

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After ugly breakup... if you sincerely want to not become a stranger?

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