Darren Steez Posted May 2, 2014 Share Posted May 2, 2014 She is pretty, but of course it's not just that. She has the qualities I reckon to be a great mother. And that she has done a lot of good things in her life. Her affair ended two months ago. I'm 100 percent sure of that. And that she regrets it and feels like **** about it. But I think that she should have regretted it the first time it happened and not just now, because they met like 10-15 times ... So do you guys still think it's a bad idea to move in together next month? We always dreamt of this time and for now it's a temporary move, we will see what happens next ... Geez..seriously Link to post Share on other sites
Darren Steez Posted May 2, 2014 Share Posted May 2, 2014 Later I'm going to reply to all your answers (thanks everybody), but this one hit me, so I have to comment it now. This is one the things that annoys me the most. I can't truly believe she is that guilty and remorseful because she should have told me the first time it happened (as much, the second, or third if I raise my hand). Added to the fact that the other guy's first words to my girlfriend when everything started were that they should stop talking makes me believe that he wasn't pursuing her and that she really enjoyed everything most of the times (some of them indeed I want to believe she was feeling guilty). On the other hand she told me she didn't tell me anything about all this because she didn't want to break our friendship. I really don't know what to think about this. It makes sense, but if she didn't want to break it she should have stepped back at the beggining, right? of course she enjoyed it, they meet and made plans to bang 10-15 times. Lots and lots of banging. Link to post Share on other sites
Author d1990 Posted May 2, 2014 Author Share Posted May 2, 2014 (edited) Firs of all, thanks to everybody who replied. I really appreciate it. I don't know how to quote more than one people so I will write just here. We are both young as I said. She is going to be 22 soon and I will be 23. We are both our first serious relationship. I never ever thought she could do that to me, but what is done is done. I forgave her for that, but I don't think I will ever forget that. I guess I will have to live with that. When I discovered her cheating we spent three weeks together and then she had to go back to her place. It was hard and painful, sometimes I didn't know what to do but we somehow managed to have some really good times together. Then it came the distance again and it was much harder to deal with. I want to believe that she is honest with me, as she answered every question I had. But I don't know if she did hide some things or not. Like, for example, she said it was just physical. I don't think you meet with someone and speak almost every day with someone you are only interested in sex. So I think she was having a double relationship. I mean, if she does this to me, what she will do if we get married? And if we have kids? Because she would like those things, and soon ... I believe in change, and that she will for sure learn about this, but I guess I would always be suspicious because if she got tired of me now when we were 20 I think she will do it again. Or maybe I will, who knows ... What I know right now is that I'm really in love with her, and that makes everything much harder. I know that her affair was put behind and that she is showing me how much she regretted everything and treats me like a king. We are much better in our relationship now, we respect more each other, listen, share, communicate, we are more passionate, everything got better, it's like we started all our history from scratch, but I fear that is maybe just a temporary thing, what do you guys think? She tells me so many beautiful things that it's hard to believe they are not true. She has also told me that she was going through a hard depression during those months and the she acted like a selfish and inmature person at that time The moving in idea kinda appeared after the horrible day. We were planning to spend together the summer so as I got a job in a new city I decided to rent an appartment there and then everything came out. She is really excited about and I'm as well. But I also fear that as many of you said it's too early for that, even if it will be for some months only. But I guess that after that we won't go back to out parents so I don't know. Thanks again for your answers and if something else comes to my mind I will post it. Edited May 2, 2014 by d1990 Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted May 2, 2014 Share Posted May 2, 2014 Yeah...things are so much better. Let me guess. Sex is out of this world and anytime and any place and anything is on the menu? Yeah... that's called hysterical bonding. It a subconscious primal and animalistic response to reclaim what you believe is yours. That's all it is. The thing is, she cheated on you once. She's going to do it again. It may not be next month, it may not be next year. But, it will happen again because there were no consequences to her actions. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted May 3, 2014 Share Posted May 3, 2014 She answered all questions? Dude, she's a CHEATER. Take everything she says with a grain of salt; lots of those things can be pure lies. Why in the world do you want to waste precious lifetime with someone like her? How little do you value yourself that you want to stay with someone who would stab you in the back if she had another opportunity? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
harrybrown Posted May 3, 2014 Share Posted May 3, 2014 She cheated for months and kept going at it. Run, man, run, You are the backup plan. You do not have kids with her, no child support, no alimony. Find someone new. You got lucky you found out before you married her. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
lolablue17 Posted May 3, 2014 Share Posted May 3, 2014 (edited) She's going to do it again. It may not be next month, it may not be next year. But, it will happen again because there were no consequences to her actions. Of course it will happen again, She also revealed when exactly it's gonna happen. When ever she feels depressed \ distant from him, a little lonely ect... She has listed her tariff. Edited May 3, 2014 by lolablue17 Link to post Share on other sites
Author d1990 Posted May 3, 2014 Author Share Posted May 3, 2014 Thanks everybody, After thinking a lot I believe the right to do for both of us is to end our relationship. But, still, I really love her, so I don't know, it will be really hard to do it after all. Link to post Share on other sites
Darren Steez Posted May 4, 2014 Share Posted May 4, 2014 In your last post you pretty much answered all your own questions. Take it from me, better to do the hard thing now than invest more time in this relationship, get married, have kids before she possibly does something like this again. Thing is the trust is destroyed, that will never be repaired. Her attitude that it was just physical would be troubling because when you live together/get married things will cool down, you bring kids into the mix, suddenly there's not so much time for other things, so what happens say after 7 years when she's bored and the frequency of sex has gone down, maybe she'll want something physical again? She's already experienced the thrill of being with someone else, that is why they met so many times. As hard as it is, just end it, and for gods sake don't move in with her. You're young, go and experience other women, have fun and date! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author d1990 Posted May 5, 2014 Author Share Posted May 5, 2014 (edited) It is best to end it, so did you end up ending it? I'm going to do it in a couple of hours. I know it's the right thing but she seems so invested, changed, regretful and lucky that I forgave her that I'm going to feel like **** for breaking it. Edited May 5, 2014 by d1990 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted May 5, 2014 Share Posted May 5, 2014 I'm going to do it in a couple of hours. I know it's the right thing but she seems so invested, changed, regretful and lucky that I forgave her that I'm going to feel like **** for breaking it. Remember, OP, she didn't feel like **** when she was actually cheating. Link to post Share on other sites
Author d1990 Posted May 5, 2014 Author Share Posted May 5, 2014 Remember, OP, she didn't feel like **** when she was actually cheating. I know, she shouldn't play the victim in this situation. She's been telling me lately that even if there are more girls out there who could love me, no one will do it as she did, and that I'm not going to be anybody's first love out there and things like that. Isn't it a bit manipulative? What do you guys think? Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted May 5, 2014 Share Posted May 5, 2014 I know, she shouldn't play the victim in this situation. She's been telling me lately that even if there are more girls out there who could love me, no one will do it as she did, and that I'm not going to be anybody's first love out there and things like that. Isn't it a bit manipulative? What do you guys think? Yes, and it's also not true. She didn't love you enough to remain faithful. She seems to have forgotten that bit. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted May 5, 2014 Share Posted May 5, 2014 I know, she shouldn't play the victim in this situation. She's been telling me lately that even if there are more girls out there who could love me, no one will do it as she did, and that I'm not going to be anybody's first love out there and things like that. Isn't it a bit manipulative? What do you guys think? She's getting desperate. She knows something is coming down the pike. But, she has no one to blame but herself. She honestly said that girls may love you but none of them would love you the way that she loves you?!?! Really? I had to giggle at that. I would have responded, "Geez, I hope not! That would require her to sleep with my friends and sorry, I'm not interested in that kind of love!" 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Darren Steez Posted May 5, 2014 Share Posted May 5, 2014 I know, she shouldn't play the victim in this situation. She's been telling me lately that even if there are more girls out there who could love me, no one will do it as she did, and that I'm not going to be anybody's first love out there and things like that. Isn't it a bit manipulative? What do you guys think? Everybody has first loves. Nothing ever beats that but as the saying goes first love didn't stop her from letting another dude go deep inside did it? 10-15 times of banging, where was that first love stopping her from meeting him and banging him? Guilt trips and romantic lovey dovey nonsense said after the fact is used as a manipulation tool to make the partner feel guilty and paint the cheater as somehow wronged. Once, you could possibly forgive. Second, third, fourth, fifth, sixth, seventh, eight, ninth, tenth... GTFO! Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted May 5, 2014 Share Posted May 5, 2014 I know, she shouldn't play the victim in this situation. That is known as gas lighting. Google it so you understand how she will try to deflect the blame on to you. Do not let her! She's been telling me lately that even if there are more girls out there who could love me, no one will do it as she did, Well, in that regard, wouldn't that be preferable? No one like her might cheat like she did? and that I'm not going to be anybody's first love out there and things like that. Guess what... EVERYBODY has a first love. Rarely do those "first loves" become our Life Partner. That is what having a first love is all about = learning and growing and becoming the person we are meant to be for the (hopefully) one person we will grow old with. Isn't it a bit manipulative? What do you guys think? Yes, she is being very manipulative. Stand your ground. It will hurt in the beginning and you might be tempted to take her back, but in the long run, you will be much, much happier. Link to post Share on other sites
soccerrprp Posted May 5, 2014 Share Posted May 5, 2014 She is deflecting the blame onto you. To make YOU feel like the one who has and is making the mistake. Manipulative, very manipulative... Link to post Share on other sites
cupic Posted May 5, 2014 Share Posted May 5, 2014 Always remember, she is the one in the wrong, your the victim. Before you talk to her, figure out what you are going to say when she pulls the victim card, when she starts crying and when she starts to yell and scream. Those will probably be the three stages she goes through when you talk to her. Stand tall. It was her choice, not yours. You are not to blame. If you think its going to get really ugly, consider having this in a public place, do it over coffee, get out of the house. The last thing you want is her to go psycho in your appartment. Or do it at her place. Be prepared to leave and walk away. Don't stick around and cuddle or hang out and watch a movie or have dinner. Talk, dont sit down, and go. Dont let her manipulate you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ja123 Posted May 5, 2014 Share Posted May 5, 2014 Did you break up with her yet? I, like several other posters, think you should. Don't get into a big discussion about it with her, as she'll try to plead and manipulate you. State your case and go NC. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted May 5, 2014 Share Posted May 5, 2014 I know, she shouldn't play the victim in this situation. She's been telling me lately that even if there are more girls out there who could love me, no one will do it as she did, and that I'm not going to be anybody's first love out there and things like that. Isn't it a bit manipulative? What do you guys think? This is the point you should have stopped her and said "I hope not". You have to wonder how many more of your friends she has scoped out and wondered how he was in bed. Don't trust her. There are more pretty girls out there who won't cheat. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
GrandeH Posted May 5, 2014 Share Posted May 5, 2014 Stay strong in your plan and go no contact after you break up with her. The way I see it is, you're not married and you're both young. Take from this the happy and educational experiences and move on to find someone who is more respectful. I hope that friend of yours is also an ex-friend. Loveshackers I am so proud of you all for helping this young man out to make his decision. OP you made the right choice coming to this forum. We are here for you after the breakup too. Auguri. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mangetout Posted May 6, 2014 Share Posted May 6, 2014 Op My ex cheated on me ONE time and confessed within days. It still didn't change the fact that he hurt me in the most horrible way. He still broke that sacred bond you need for two people to build a future together. Your GF is showing her true colours. She wants the family life but she doesn't know how to commit. She has issues. Believe who she is right now. Shge is NOT the one. Don't do my mistake and take her back. It took me two years of pain to realise that my Mr Right was Mr Wrong in disguise. Take your rose tainted glasses off and listen to your gut instinct. YOu cannot trust her and you never will Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted May 6, 2014 Share Posted May 6, 2014 And I forgave her. She had an affair with him for some months and I caught her (one month a half ago) by checking her messages. It was a ****ing hell but after that we talked a lot and spent some good times together, it was like the passion was born again between us. She seems really remorseful, regrets everything, has cut him out, and is trying to prove how much she loves me. We are planning to move in together (we lived all this years with out parents) in june. Am I just a fool blinded by love and I made a bad choice? It's really hard because she sounds really regretful, but on the other hand it's pretty hard to regain trust. I never though she could do something like that so I guess it was a big mistake and that we can work through it. What do you think? Remember, you caught her, she never came clean on her own. They would still be making out had you not, she had no intention of quitting. This is what is secretly bothering you. I will bet a very large amount of money that they didn't use protection, she put you at risk. You will question the paternity of your future children if you stay with her. You now know she will cheat if she thinks she can get away with it and with people that are close to you, how will you ever feel safe with her? I think rather than moving in with her you need time away from her so you know how you really feel. She needs serious counselling to find out what is broken in her and why she needs validation from other men. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
lolablue17 Posted May 6, 2014 Share Posted May 6, 2014 I know, she shouldn't play the victim in this situation. She's been telling me lately that even if there are more girls out there who could love me, no one will do it as she did, and that I'm not going to be anybody's first love out there and things like that. Isn't it a bit manipulative? What do you guys think? I wonder - when she took his penis and put it inside her mouth and vagina, did she also love you in her special way while doing it? Does she really think you will never find a girl who will not cheat on you? Or maybe she means you will never find a girl who will cheat on you less then 15 times like she did? Link to post Share on other sites
Author d1990 Posted May 6, 2014 Author Share Posted May 6, 2014 I know. It was really hard to break it, specially because of the time invested, and also because we started when we were teens and I'm really fond of those memories. But after that, I believe it was the right thing to do. Thanks to everybody who wrote in this post. I wish you the best 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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