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My girlfriend of 7 years cheated on me with a friend of mine

d1990

By d1990
in Cheating, Flirting, and Jealousy

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d1990 Member

d1990

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And I forgave her. She had an affair with him for some months and I caught her (one month a half ago) by checking her messages. It was a ****ing hell but after that we talked a lot and spent some good times together, it was like the passion was born again between us. She seems really remorseful, regrets everything, has cut him out, and is trying to prove how much she loves me. We are planning to move in together (we lived all this years with out parents) in june. Am I just a fool blinded by love and I made a bad choice? It's really hard because she sounds really regretful, but on the other hand it's pretty hard to regain trust. I never though she could do something like that so I guess it was a big mistake and that we can work through it. What do you think?

Edited by d1990
d0nnivain Established Member

d0nnivain

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Ouch . . . a double betrayal.

 

 

You made the decision to forgive her & work on your issues. Some people will say you are nuts but that is the choice you made. Will you be able to refrain from throwing this in her face if you have a later unrelated argument?

 

 

How much of a factor was the distance in her cheating? If you think that being there will reduce the risk of future infidelity, that is a factor in favor of forgiveness & reconciliation IMO.

 

 

I have never believed that 2 people should go directly from LDR to living together. When you are LDR the world stops like you are on vacation when you have a few precious days together. Living together is the daily grind. You need a better transition for it to work.

CarrieT Established Member

CarrieT

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Am I just a fool blinded by love and I made a bad choice?

Probably.

 

It's really hard because she sounds really regretful, but on the other hand it's pretty hard to regain trust.

She is probably more regretful that she got caught than that she did something bad.

 

What do you think?

I think you should live on your own first and not with a girlfriend who has proven she is not trustworthy.

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d1990 Member

d1990

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d0nnivain, I think I will be able to do that, but it's really hard not to do it now and I don't think how I will react in the future. It takes a lot of self control now and even if it's in my head most of the time I try to not say anything about it. I told her enough bad things already.

 

Of course, being there it will take away that, and also that she saw me suffering so much that I want to believe that she will never do something like that again. I think the distance was a factor, but we saw each other each month or two as much.

 

We plan to go live and together to the city where I'm working, but it's going to be for this summer for now.

Clay Established Member

Clay

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Sounds like your both young. I personally suggest you just walk away. Once a person cheats in a relationship it really breaks down so many things. Trust is not the only thing you are going to have to rebuild. Respect is right next to it.

 

It sucks that your going through this but honestly I have been cheated on by three different women in my life. I can tell you its so much easier to just find someone better. Plus you learn to really respect yourself in the process for being a better person and not putting up with someone that can do something like that so low.

 

Imagine what else she is capable of if she has no problem betraying the person she says she loves.

 

Clay

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d1990 Member

d1990

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Sounds like your both young. I personally suggest you just walk away. Once a person cheats in a relationship it really breaks down so many things. Trust is not the only thing you are going to have to rebuild. Respect is right next to it.

 

It sucks that your going through this but honestly I have been cheated on by three different women in my life. I can tell you its so much easier to just find someone better. Plus you learn to really respect yourself in the process for being a better person and not putting up with someone that can do something like that so low.

 

Imagine what else she is capable of if she has no problem betraying the person she says she loves.

 

Clay

 

We are both in our early twenties, so yes. Thank you for your words. I think that would be the right thing to do but I really love her, and that makes it much harder.

CarrieT Established Member

CarrieT

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We are both in our early twenties, so yes.

Okay, so here's the thing...

 

You both have "Half Baked Brain Syndrome." In short, it has been proven scientifically that the frontal cortex of your brain -- that part of you which helps one make intelligent decisions -- isn't fully connected until your late 20s.

 

Read about it here.

 

In no way does this excuse your girlfriend's behavior and actions, but it explains a great deal why this happens so often. It also can help you understand that in the next few years, you are going to "gel" into being the person you want to be and will understand a great deal more about what you want in the future.

 

I can guarantee that if you hold out on moving in with her, what you feel now will change before you are 30 and will probably be VERY grateful that you refrained from living with her at this time.

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Alex_Stoner Member

Alex_Stoner

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I think it's a really bad idea to move in together. You are too young for that and before making that decision you should take some time on your own and see things clearly (especially after what she did to you).

Edited by Alex_Stoner
MrRightNow Established Member

MrRightNow

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Dump her, you deserve better.

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bubbaganoosh Established Member

bubbaganoosh

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Having an affair and cheating is bad enough and a slap in the face. It shows a lack of respect.

 

Now, having an affair and cheating with a friend of yours is another slap in the face.

 

If she can stoop that low to have an affair with a friend of yours and you still want her, then I have to tell you in all honesty that you get what you deserve. And you no doubt will get more.

 

Is this what you want from a woman you've been with for 7 years? It's one thing to make a mistake and cheat and I don not condone it in any way but when she makes a conscience decision to cheat with a friend then her respect for you is out the window.

 

You do what you feel is best for you but if it was me, she would be gone.

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InnocentMan Established Member

InnocentMan

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I wouldn't be making any major life decisions at the moment with this woman. It's still relatively recent that you busted her. It's not like she confessed and begged you to forgive her.

 

She either has strong feelings for this dude, or she literally has zero respect for you, to bang one of your friends.

 

That's not to say you can't work things out, but I would just play it slowly until you're sure it's totally finished. She may not have ended the affair, but just became better at hiding it.

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dragon_fly_7 Established Member

dragon_fly_7

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We are both in our early twenties, so yes. Thank you for your words. I think that would be the right thing to do but I really love her, and that makes it much harder.
What do you really see in her? Is she very pretty that you find it hard to let go of someone that disrespects you badly?

 

During your early 20's, I think that's too young to be making life decisions about moving in together. You should take some time alone and see how this progresses.

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d1990 Member

d1990

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She is pretty, but of course it's not just that. She has the qualities I reckon to be a great mother. And that she has done a lot of good things in her life.

 

Her affair ended two months ago. I'm 100 percent sure of that. And that she regrets it and feels like **** about it. But I think that she should have regretted it the first time it happened and not just now, because they met like 10-15 times ...

 

So do you guys still think it's a bad idea to move in together next month? We always dreamt of this time and for now it's a temporary move, we will see what happens next ...

tomcrash77 New Member

tomcrash77

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d1990,

 

Your post is what prompted me to make an account and finally post.

 

You sound exactly like a younger me.

 

I had many of the same thoughts. She'll make a great mother to my kids. She's great about this. Passionate about that etc. and etc. Then she cheated on me and everything just kind of falls apart. Sure I played the ignore everything and try to move on game and that didn't happen. The close proximity I spent to her hurt, especially when I looked at her. When we argued, I just wanted to throw the cheating back in her face. In trying to keep things from exploding, I suffered silently.

 

I understand you're shocked and hurt. I understand you've both been really looking forward to moving out together and starting out on your 'own' so to say. You look forward to falling asleep together, waking up together, buying furniture for your place, cooking together, and the list goes on.

 

Now I'm willing to bet that you'll go ahead with this move. You've been with her 7 years. That's a long time. You want to forgive and just be with her because those 7 years were pretty good right?

 

But can you really put this behind you? With one of your friends too? Double whammy. You're going to see this girl everyday. Are you honestly going to be able to put this away and not let it affect you or the future of the relationship?

 

Cheating fundamentally changes things. Maybe you don't even realize it yet. How much time have you spent with her since it happened? Was it weird for you? How did you feel? How was the relationship dynamic?

 

I want to believe that relationships can recover from such a mistake and it never happens again. I honestly really want to believe that, but look at how many times they met up.

 

I guess amidst my rambling, you should really take a step back and re-evaluate. I know you really want to be with her and forgive and move on. Otherwise you wouldn't be on here thinking about her qualities. But take a step back and really think about how you feel and if you can really forgive. Not only does that mean not throwing it in her face, but not having it come up in your mind randomly, when you argue with her, when you look at her, etc. This kind of thinking can really cause deep conflict in you.

 

I'd be really careful about moving in with her. This could become a nightmare for you and quick.

 

If I knew now at 31 what I was going to embark on in my 20s, I never would have done it and not wasted my entire 20s. I'm sure I'd be with someone else and a hell of a lot happier. All the warning flags were there and I just chose to ignore them because of these same qualities I saw in her and blind love. The difference is you know for sure she cheated before you moved in with her.

 

Please, really really and I stress really think about it.

Edited by tomcrash77
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Hobbes' wagon Member

Hobbes' wagon

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I'm sorry to hear what you've been going through! I've been cheated on as well, so I can speak from experience.

 

I thinks it's way too soon to move in together, and it will probably do you more harm than good. It will also make your recovery from this betrayal much harder. You will be on a roller-coaster of emotions for a long time (it is often said that recovery from being cheated on lasts from 2 to 5 years), and in that time you will often need and want space away from her, which you should have. If you move in together, getting space will be much much harder. And when you will need space, that actually means your body&mind need a rest from her and all the sh-t of her betrayal, that your body doesn't have energy to deal with it at that moment. So basically you'll be making things worse for yourself.

 

And let's say at some point you decide you don't want to be with her anymore - if you two live together, it will be so much harder for you to disentangle from her.

 

How much have you read about surviving infidelity/cheating?

 

What exactly has she been doing to show remorse through actions, not only words?

 

What exactly have you been doing for yourself, to help yourself heal?

 

As for her being a great mother - I thought so too. But obviously my ex gf had an incredibly selfish and callous streak inside her that allowed her to cheat and lie for so long. She might have been a good person, but due to her issues had this dark side to her -> so your GF will need lots of therapy to deal with whatever contributed to her selfishness overpowering her sense of morality, loyalty towards you etc. Has she been to therapy?

 

Best wishes,

Hobbes

Ebman Member

Ebman

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The crux will be to find what the real reason for cheating was. Only then can you determine if you're being a fool or not. If it's something you can change, great. If not then you'll have to be honest with yourself.

 

Also remember that the things that were cute and funny 7 years ago might now be stupid and annoying, for the both of you.

cupic Member

cupic

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Look, you're both young. Seven year relationship and your both in your early twenties? Let me guess, you have been together since high school. I'm also going to guess that you both have had limited partners (romantically and physically) and that this is your first and only relationship.

Root cause as to why she may have cheated on you? She's probably bored and wanted to try something new! Lots of relationships end this way (especially the early twenties highschool romances). Monogomy for your entire life without being with someone new? Not at that age, doesnt matter if you're a man or a woman.

 

Secondly, she didn't just cheat on you. Hooking up with your best friend on a one night stand after a couple of drinks, yeah thats cheating. Having an intimate relationship with your friend for several months, thats an affair. It was likely much more than just a physical relationship. She has probably developed deeper feelings for him as well, which is much worse (in my mind anyway).

 

Do yourself a favor. Let her go. Do some experimenting on your own. Go see what else is out there. Find a woman who loves you and respects you, and do the same to her.

 

What ever you do, do not move in with this person.

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mangetout Established Member

mangetout

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My ex cheated on me two years ago and we are still suffering the consequences.Yes I have forgiven him and yes I think he would not cheat on me again but it has killed everything good in our relationship. Everything.

 

 

If I could turn back the clock, I wish I had left him the day he told me that he cheated. You couldn't find a more remorseful person than him...but it ruined everything. It ruined me and still is. I am still in pain two years later.

 

 

I am really really sorry this has happened to you because its going to be very difficult for you to trust her again.

 

 

My advice is not to move in with her because this incident will come up. You will get triggers and you will argue over this. Please give yourself some time

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Chi townD Established Member

Chi townD

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Sorry dude, but if it was a mistake, she would have be guilt ridden to the point of not being able to function after the first time it happened. But, 10-15 times?!?! There's no guilt there. She made a choice and she didn't regret it if she kept on going back.

 

 

I think what's she most upset about is possibly blowing her chances at screwing up her plans and get out from under her parents thumb.

 

 

If I were you, I would postpone the move in. See what happens after that.

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dragon_fly_7 Established Member

dragon_fly_7

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In addition, if she really was feeling lots of guilt and shame about it then she would have confessed right away after the 1st time she cheated. At least then, there might be a bit of credibility but the fact that you had to find out by checking on the message tells me that she might only be remorseful because she was caught in the lies and would have probably cheated more.

Edited by dragon_fly_7
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d1990 Member

d1990

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In addition, if she really was feeling lots of guilt and shame about it then she would have confessed right away after the 1st time she cheated. At least then, there might be a bit of credibility but the fact that you had to find out by checking on the message tells me that she might only be remorseful because she was caught in the lies and would have probably cheated more.

 

Later I'm going to reply to all your answers (thanks everybody), but this one hit me, so I have to comment it now.

 

This is one the things that annoys me the most. I can't truly believe she is that guilty and remorseful because she should have told me the first time it happened (as much, the second, or third if I raise my hand). Added to the fact that the other guy's first words to my girlfriend when everything started were that they should stop talking makes me believe that he wasn't pursuing her and that she really enjoyed everything most of the times (some of them indeed I want to believe she was feeling guilty).

 

On the other hand she told me she didn't tell me anything about all this because she didn't want to break our friendship. I really don't know what to think about this. It makes sense, but if she didn't want to break it she should have stepped back at the beggining, right?

Edited by d1990
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tom670 Established Member

tom670

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Later I'm going to reply to all your answers (thanks everybody), but this one hit me, so I have to comment it now.

 

This is one the things that annoys me the most. I can't truly believe she is that guilty and remorseful because she should have told me the first time it happened (as much, the second, or third if I raise my hand). Added to the fact that the other guy's first words to my girlfriend when everything started were that they should stop talking makes me believe that he wasn't pursuing her and that she really enjoyed everything most of the times (some of them indeed I want to believe she was feeling guilty).

 

On the other hand she told me she didn't tell me anything about all this because she didn't want to break our friendship. I really don't know what to think about this. It makes sense, but if she didn't want to break it she should have stepped back at the beggining, right?

 

Quite simple she was cake eating.

You were plan B.

Does your ex friend have a girl friend?

If so it's time to fill her in on what has been going on.

You should get tested for STDs.

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dragon_fly_7 Established Member

dragon_fly_7

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This is one the things that annoys me the most. I can't truly believe she is that guilty and remorseful because she should have told me the first time it happened (as much, the second, or third if I raise my hand). Added to the fact that the other guy's first words to my girlfriend when everything started were that they should stop talking makes me believe that he wasn't pursuing her and that she really enjoyed everything most of the times (some of them indeed I want to believe she was feeling guilty).

 

On the other hand she told me she didn't tell me anything about all this because she didn't want to break our friendship. I really don't know what to think about this. It makes sense, but if she didn't want to break it she should have stepped back at the beggining, right?

The fact that more than likely your gf was the aggressor/initiator during the cheating and it was the guy that told her it should stop (not her own will to stop) would be even more reason to break up in my book.

 

She didn't tell you because she probably didn't want this to ruin her plan of having both a bf and another guy on one side. I agree with tom670. It seems that she isn't quite in love with you (she might love you but not in love because people in love don't just cheat, they break up) and you're plan b.

 

Think carefully before you decide to work it out and move in with her (if that's what you want). I wouldn't trust any words coming out of her mouth.

twosadthings Established Member

twosadthings

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She didn't want to break your friendship. What did she think cheating would do to it? Friends don't treat each other this way.

 

 

You're still young, back up and try someone new now that you have learned a valuable lesson.

 

 

Twosadthings

lolablue17 Established Member

lolablue17

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When somone says something, anything that fits to his direct interest - I usualy suspect his\her honesty.

 

When someone is telling me that "This car is the best car ever made" it matters to me whether he is a sales man or not. Because if he gets comission, I don't realy belive him.

 

So, She didnt confess by her own will. She didn't feel guilty or remorseful even one minute before you caught her. This is a bad sign. Now let's check her interest...

 

She was planning to leave her parents place and move in with you. If she says anything but full remorse and guilt, She will have to cancel her plans and stay at her parents place.

 

So i realy dont know. Maybe she is totally honest but how convenient for her that her"honest words" fit 100% to her "interest words". No one can tell you if she's honest, and no one can predict the future. But If you can forgive and stay, be aware that it's part of your relationship for ever. The next time it happens, she will know better how to keep you and will promise you the moon. She saw that except from you being hurt, there is no price for her to pay for cheating.

Edited by lolablue17
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