oneconfusedman Posted May 1, 2014 Posted May 1, 2014 I have a problem where an ex-GF from the past keeps popping up, not in a dangerous way or anything but it's weird. We broke up almost three years ago. I was technically the dumper but she had lots of problems with me as well. (I admit I was immature.) A year after the breakup we were both still hurting. We started talking again and spent time together one week, had sex a couple times. But then we had a fight and I shut down, stopped talking to her. She tried to get in contact with me many times but I ignored her for several weeks. Finally one time I did allow a convo and she said she was still in love with me. I told her I didn't feel the same and that we would never get back together. She dropped out of contact after that. Maybe six months later I was about to move to a completely new city and she heard it through the grapevine. She sent me an email that was actually very nice, checking in to wish me well. That did lead to us meeting up again and we ended up sleeping together. It was bittersweet, felt like a goodbye. Now it's almost a year later and I've been living in the new city, doing some dating, but every once in my ex-GF still pops up. One time we did have a phone convo and that was fine, just friendly updates. But otherwise it's her sending me emails that I don't respond to, maybe four over the past year. The latest came a few days ago... she told me she'll be in my city this summer for a work conference and she said it would be nice to see me. So far I've ignored it. My exes have always disappeared. But this one is still around three years later and I don't know what to do. I don't feel angry toward her and we have had some nice moments after the breakup but I don't know what she expects from me and I don't consider this normal.
elseaacych Posted May 1, 2014 Posted May 1, 2014 It sounds like you are pretty much over her or any chance of a relationship with her other than a platonic one. If that's something you would be okay with, you HAVE to make sure she is on the same page and wants the same thing. Tell her you don't want to set up unrealistic expectations and have either of you hurt. You must be clear with her. However, since the last couple times you've met her in person you've ended up sleeping with her, I would advise meeting her for a lunch date (with something planned after it so you must leave). Or telling her you are busy that day. 1
FredJones80 Posted May 1, 2014 Posted May 1, 2014 Stop sleeping with her perhaps? Giving her false hope each time. Sure it might be nice for you but it seems pretty cruel on someone who loved/liked you. After all, you dumped her. 1
Author oneconfusedman Posted May 1, 2014 Author Posted May 1, 2014 It's not like I have lured her into bed each time, we've both wanted it. And it was never been completely meaningless since we do have that old connection. I just have never been in this situation... the only way I've ever dealt with exes is dropping out of contact and then we never deal with each other again. This one, it seems like we're on good terms and there's a chance of something positive here, but it also feels weird and unnatural. And she's the one who keeps pushing at it, not me. I don't know if ignoring her is the best way to handle it, or I should tell her flat-out that we shouldn't be in touch? Both of these options seem too harsh for someone I still have positive feelings for.
FredJones80 Posted May 1, 2014 Posted May 1, 2014 I think if she has deep feelings for you still and you have just mmm-hmm-feelings then sleeping with her is giving her false hope. At the very least stop sleeping with her, even if you continue to converse with her irregularly. 1
Elle1975 Posted May 1, 2014 Posted May 1, 2014 I have a problem where an ex-GF from the past keeps popping up, not in a dangerous way or anything but it's weird. We broke up almost three years ago. I was technically the dumper but she had lots of problems with me as well. (I admit I was immature.) A year after the breakup we were both still hurting. We started talking again and spent time together one week, had sex a couple times. But then we had a fight and I shut down, stopped talking to her. She tried to get in contact with me many times but I ignored her for several weeks. Finally one time I did allow a convo and she said she was still in love with me. I told her I didn't feel the same and that we would never get back together. She dropped out of contact after that. Maybe six months later I was about to move to a completely new city and she heard it through the grapevine. She sent me an email that was actually very nice, checking in to wish me well. That did lead to us meeting up again and we ended up sleeping together. It was bittersweet, felt like a goodbye. Now it's almost a year later and I've been living in the new city, doing some dating, but every once in my ex-GF still pops up. One time we did have a phone convo and that was fine, just friendly updates. But otherwise it's her sending me emails that I don't respond to, maybe four over the past year. The latest came a few days ago... she told me she'll be in my city this summer for a work conference and she said it would be nice to see me. So far I've ignored it. My exes have always disappeared. But this one is still around three years later and I don't know what to do. I don't feel angry toward her and we have had some nice moments after the breakup but I don't know what she expects from me and I don't consider this normal. You need to tell her not to contact you. It's sad to see her still hung up on you. And unhealthy for her. 1
Author oneconfusedman Posted May 1, 2014 Author Posted May 1, 2014 The mix of responses here reflects the confusion of my feelings,. I don't necessarily think she has "deep" feelings for me anymore or is in love with me. It's been a long time and I know she's been in a couple relationships since me. Who knows she could be dating someone right now. I think that's what's weird about this. How does she know I'M not dating someone? If I was serious with someone right now it wouldn't be ideal for my ex to be coming around. As I said we do both still feel warmly for each other, so it does seem like there should be some solution for us to keep in touch in a positive way. I just don't know what that is. I guess I could give the platonic lunch meetup a try, but I'm concerned we'd slip and end up in bed again. We've never done platonic before.
Elle1975 Posted May 1, 2014 Posted May 1, 2014 The mix of responses here reflects the confusion of my feelings,. I don't necessarily think she has "deep" feelings for me anymore or is in love with me. It's been a long time and I know she's been in a couple relationships since me. Who knows she could be dating someone right now. I think that's what's weird about this. How does she know I'M not dating someone? If I was serious with someone right now it wouldn't be ideal for my ex to be coming around. As I said we do both still feel warmly for each other, so it does seem like there should be some solution for us to keep in touch in a positive way. I just don't know what that is. I guess I could give the platonic lunch meetup a try, but I'm concerned we'd slip and end up in bed again. We've never done platonic before. Even if you end up being platonic, how would the new girl feel about it? That's the way I look at it. 1
organizedchaos Posted May 1, 2014 Posted May 1, 2014 The mix of responses here reflects the confusion of my feelings,. I don't necessarily think she has "deep" feelings for me anymore or is in love with me. It's been a long time and I know she's been in a couple relationships since me. Who knows she could be dating someone right now. I think that's what's weird about this. How does she know I'M not dating someone? If I was serious with someone right now it wouldn't be ideal for my ex to be coming around. As I said we do both still feel warmly for each other, so it does seem like there should be some solution for us to keep in touch in a positive way. I just don't know what that is. I guess I could give the platonic lunch meetup a try, but I'm concerned we'd slip and end up in bed again. We've never done platonic before. So, essentially, you're just f-buddies now. 2
lolablue17 Posted May 1, 2014 Posted May 1, 2014 Many of us are very sensitive. We get hurt from little things and we put a lot of efforts to defend ourself. But there are many others who dont take everything so heavily. I think your Ex is just that kind of a girl. She likes you and why not meeting you from time to time, no hard feelings. Personally I wish i could be like her. I think it's a healthy approach, and i envy her ability not to give the EGO so much focus. She knows one or two things about proportions.
Author oneconfusedman Posted May 2, 2014 Author Posted May 2, 2014 Yeah, part of me thinks it's pretty cool that we can still be friendly and not bitter, three years after we broke each other's hearts. It's pretty amazing actually. I never wanted to look back on our time together with anger or remorse. Another part of me questions if there's some power play or manipulation coming from her end. She's the one who's put in all the effort to making sure we'd stay in touch, not me... I probably would have just let us fade out, for better or worse. Sometimes her efforts to be in touch seem to be like, "Hey, look, I can still get you to pay attention to me!" or "Even though we're not dating, you still have ties to me! Don't forget that!" As I said I don't think she is in love with me. I do think there are SOME feelings going on there though. It's not entirely emotionless for me either.
Author oneconfusedman Posted May 2, 2014 Author Posted May 2, 2014 P.S. I think I've decided to ignore her email for now but probably get back to her with a quick one closer to the date of the conference. I'll say something short about how if she does want to meet for lunch somewhere she can feel free to text when she's in town. While it would be nice to see her I don't think it's healthy for either of us to be putting much effort into making plans with each other. It's not something that should have any priority in our lives anymore. It should just slip in there casually if it happens to make sense. The conference is in late June so I don't want either of us to have that on our mental agendas for the next two months.
Zapbasket Posted May 3, 2014 Posted May 3, 2014 Many of us are very sensitive. We get hurt from little things and we put a lot of efforts to defend ourself. But there are many others who dont take everything so heavily. I think your Ex is just that kind of a girl. She likes you and why not meeting you from time to time, no hard feelings. Personally I wish i could be like her. I think it's a healthy approach, and i envy her ability not to give the EGO so much focus. She knows one or two things about proportions. Personally--and not judging the OP or his ex or anyone else here--I don't get this kind of mentality. I think people are fooling themselves when they claim that it's "just sex." Whenever sex gets in the mix, things get complicated. Add a relationship history together to the sex, and it seems nearly impossible to have the clarity for some self-honesty. In fact, I'd surmise that it's the lack of self-honesty that allows a situation like the one between the OP and his ex to take place at all. OP, what do YOU get out of this continued sporadic liaison--especially when you say that if she didn't initiate the contact, you'd let the whole thing fade back into the past?
KaliLove Posted May 3, 2014 Posted May 3, 2014 Personally--and not judging the OP or his ex or anyone else here--I don't get this kind of mentality. I think people are fooling themselves when they claim that it's "just sex." Whenever sex gets in the mix, things get complicated. Add a relationship history together to the sex, and it seems nearly impossible to have the clarity for some self-honesty. In fact, I'd surmise that it's the lack of self-honesty that allows a situation like the one between the OP and his ex to take place at all. OP, what do YOU get out of this continued sporadic liaison--especially when you say that if she didn't initiate the contact, you'd let the whole thing fade back into the past? Do you really need to ask this question? He gets sex with no strings attached (at least not for him).
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