Loretta25 Posted May 1, 2014 Posted May 1, 2014 I’m not looking for any bunch of trite adages about being a home wrecker or grass being greener. I’m here to vent given that I have nobody else to share my stories and frustration with, so any good advice; I would live to hear it- I’m a 29 year old woman, married for 8 years (together for 10). I met my husband when I was 19-And he was my first and only boyfriend at that time (If you care to know, he's 12 years my senior). I would like to think that my husband is the significant influence of who I am today. I learned a lot from him- he thought me how to confront many challenges in life. Moreover, he was there when I was a struggling student, he was up all night with me when I was stressing out on my first job and he was the first person to celebrate my job promotion. He told me the other day “I watch you grow- into a successful mature woman” and I responded “boy, don’t you feel lucky” I know, tacky, isn’t. In summary, I'd like to believe that my married life seemed perfect - Here’s where I’m going to sound like a big whiner- My husband never/rarely initiates sex after we marry, at first I thought it was average for a guy to not need/want sex, he’s the breadwinner (at that time), after all. I began to question his sexual appetite by the time I began my first job. Accordingly, I complained and wrote him a letter about our situation and yada yada yada-I never up to this day, was given an explanation as to why our perfect marriage lacks the essentials- SEX. Looking back, I realize that the predicament stem from our sexual incompatibility. We are not sexually compatible. Consequently, It took me years to recognize our problem. This is where my story gets tricky and tacky. Even though sex is largely absent in my marriage; I am perfectly happy, nevertheless, or so I thought. Until I met a colleague (senior business partner) at work. He's eerily similar to my husband- Their exact identical in, height, weight, hair color, hairstyle and both are 42......In addition, he plays guitar in bars as a hobby, and you would never guess, LIKE MY HUSBAND- He also have another thing in common- He's married, as well. Naturally, He asked me out for a lunch date (if you can call it that, I believe his intention was to thank me). I blushed in awe-----To cut to the chase, our lunch date resulted in a full blown sexual affair. We dine, date and stays in hotel room. As a matter of course, I bonded quickly after our many sexual encounters. In compulsorily, I broke it off twice so as not to get both our feelings hurt in the end. Sadly, he rejects my attempt at breaking things off. He begs me to stay and tells me how much he likes me- I, unfortunately, like him a lot, as well. The sex was beyond anything I ever experience. Two days ago, he sent me a text message telling me that his wife found out about our affair. I was shocked. I unquestionably Acknowledge the fact that I may never see him again. In response, I immediately Stopped all our contact and did not respond to any of his text message. The very next day, he sent me an email explaining his situation, giving a glimmer of hope that she may not know everything, yet. I responded with dismayed and aloofness. I told him that this relationship is too complicated for my liking and that am only looking for a confidante and some casual fun. In short, I do not want any part of their drama. Yes, I sounded selfish, and I thought that if I say that, he will never reply to me again. However I was wrong, he responded quickly. It was such a long text message (we try not to text if possible) that it should have been in email. However, he explained that he had to text me because he feels that I needed to read what he thinks of my email message right at that moment. --------- His pleading melts my heart, again. So were back in the game. I am now very confused with what I want out of this. I sometimes wonder if he feels the same way? I refused to ask; there's no point. At this time, I will never leave my husband for him anyway...... Lori
Striver Posted May 1, 2014 Posted May 1, 2014 To me it sounds like you want sex out of your affair partner. To me it sounds like you don't love your husband or your affair partner. If you only care about your affair partner as a sex object, then it indeed may be selfish to continue tempting him if you think he really cares about his marriage. My advice would be to quit the relationship with the affair partner and focus on your marriage. Especially if you have children. Try hard to see if any more can be done to improve your sex life there; not just passive-aggressive inferences, but blunt discussion. If the sex life can be improved, then perhaps the marriage can be saved. Otherwise, maybe it should be ended so you and H can both find more complete partners. 3
Owl Posted May 1, 2014 Posted May 1, 2014 Do you intend to do anything to try to get your needs met WITHIN your current marriage? Do you plan on another affair or resuming this one to have those needs met? What's your plan for the future? 4
sunburned Posted May 1, 2014 Posted May 1, 2014 I’m not looking for any bunch of trite adages about being a home wrecker or grass being greener. I’m here to vent given that I have nobody else to share my stories and frustration with, so any good advice; I would live to hear it- I’m a 29 year old woman, married for 8 years (together for 10). I met my husband when I was 19-And he was my first and only boyfriend at that time (If you care to know, he's 12 years my senior). I would like to think that my husband is the significant influence of who I am today. I learned a lot from him- he thought me how to confront many challenges in life. Moreover, he was there when I was a struggling student, he was up all night with me when I was stressing out on my first job and he was the first person to celebrate my job promotion. He told me the other day “I watch you grow- into a successful mature woman” and I responded “boy, don’t you feel lucky” I know, tacky, isn’t. In summary, I'd like to believe that my married life seemed perfect - Here’s where I’m going to sound like a big whiner- My husband never/rarely initiates sex after we marry, at first I thought it was average for a guy to not need/want sex, he’s the breadwinner (at that time), after all. I began to question his sexual appetite by the time I began my first job. Accordingly, I complained and wrote him a letter about our situation and yada yada yada-I never up to this day, was given an explanation as to why our perfect marriage lacks the essentials- SEX. Looking back, I realize that the predicament stem from our sexual incompatibility. We are not sexually compatible. Consequently, It took me years to recognize our problem. This is where my story gets tricky and tacky. Even though sex is largely absent in my marriage; I am perfectly happy, nevertheless, or so I thought. Until I met a colleague (senior business partner) at work. He's eerily similar to my husband- Their exact identical in, height, weight, hair color, hairstyle and both are 42......In addition, he plays guitar in bars as a hobby, and you would never guess, LIKE MY HUSBAND- He also have another thing in common- He's married, as well. Naturally, He asked me out for a lunch date (if you can call it that, I believe his intention was to thank me). I blushed in awe-----To cut to the chase, our lunch date resulted in a full blown sexual affair. We dine, date and stays in hotel room. As a matter of course, I bonded quickly after our many sexual encounters. In compulsorily, I broke it off twice so as not to get both our feelings hurt in the end. Sadly, he rejects my attempt at breaking things off. He begs me to stay and tells me how much he likes me- I, unfortunately, like him a lot, as well. The sex was beyond anything I ever experience. Two days ago, he sent me a text message telling me that his wife found out about our affair. I was shocked. I unquestionably Acknowledge the fact that I may never see him again. In response, I immediately Stopped all our contact and did not respond to any of his text message. The very next day, he sent me an email explaining his situation, giving a glimmer of hope that she may not know everything, yet. I responded with dismayed and aloofness. I told him that this relationship is too complicated for my liking and that am only looking for a confidante and some casual fun. In short, I do not want any part of their drama. Yes, I sounded selfish, and I thought that if I say that, he will never reply to me again. However I was wrong, he responded quickly. It was such a long text message (we try not to text if possible) that it should have been in email. However, he explained that he had to text me because he feels that I needed to read what he thinks of my email message right at that moment. --------- His pleading melts my heart, again. So were back in the game. I am now very confused with what I want out of this. I sometimes wonder if he feels the same way? I refused to ask; there's no point. At this time, I will never leave my husband for him anyway...... Lori Hi, Lori. I am a former MOW myself. My M was pretty good but I enjoyed the sexual tension and the sexual contact from my MM as well and we didn't even actually have sex. All I can do is reiterate what you know. It's wrong and it will eat away at you the longer it goes on. You won't like who you are. A couple other observations: 1. You first instinct was the right one. NO MORE CONTACT! 2. Then you said he "rejected your attempt" to break things off. The good news is it only takes one to break it off. You just ignore him and if you have to, threaten to tell the rest of the details to his wife. Even if you never would, it will spook him into leaving you alone 2. Find a new job as soon as practical 3. He has already had a Dday -- don't be surprised if his W tells your H. You don't want that. If she doesn't know who you are yet, believe me she will dig until she does. Once she finds you, she'll find your H. 4. His pleading melts your heart? Wouldn't the betrayal of your H melt your heart?? Picture his face, his response if he finds out. You aren't leaving your H for this guy, which suggests you're more in lust than love, which is probably a good thing. And no, you don't sound like a whiner. Sex is important in a marriage but I don't see that you've addressed that problem with your H. Have you tried talking, I mean really talking?? Have you tried marriage counseling? Seems like you still love him, so pull out all the stops to improve your sex life on the home front. Of course it will seem better with your MM because it's new. But that freshness will fade too. It's clear to me you know what to do. As a rather famous corporation might say: "Just do it." 1
daisydook Posted May 1, 2014 Posted May 1, 2014 At this time, I will never leave my husband for him anyway...... Lori You have your answer..................................... 2
jellybean89 Posted May 2, 2014 Posted May 2, 2014 I don't understand when someone says they can't break it off...and in your case he 'rejected' your decision to end the affair? Really? So because he says so, you will continue? And when his wife finds out who you are (if she doesn't already) and tells your H and your co-workers? When she drags you through the mud as a 'homewrecker'? What then? Is the sex worth that? Why not seek marital/sexual counseling with your H? I don't understand why you keep letting men dictate to you how your life will be? 2
Author Loretta25 Posted May 4, 2014 Author Posted May 4, 2014 Thank you for those who responded. I appreciate the advice. I will take all your feedback with a grain of salt. I know that I’m playing with fire and am slowly burning from my own making. I created this situation, and I could bail and forget about everything but I cannot let him go easily without him initiating the NC first. If the OM decides that he is no longer interested in ever seeing me again, I will respect his decision, and he shall never hear from me again. I want him to leave me altogether and tell me “I’m no longer interested” I need to hear this in order to let go, . His continuous feel good conversation with me intensifies my desire, and when he does not contact me my feelings slowly dwindles and it could die at the drop of a hat if only he ignores me. I was out with some friends the other day, and I was talking to a friend of mine about relationships, (I was drinking and was getting a little tipsy) I told her about my problem and explained that all of my correspondence with the OM were through email. Hmm, my friend told me that if he likes me, he will make an effort of calling rather than sending “cheap emails”, boom I saw a window of opportunity to end it and closed the door permanently. I thought that maybe if I kick up a rumpus over him not calling me, he would stop contacting me. So I sent a message saying that if he wanted to talk to me, he would need to call and to stop sending an email altogether. The very next day I receive an upset “angry man” emails as well as text message. He was so upset that I believe I finally met his real "SELF".
Author Loretta25 Posted May 4, 2014 Author Posted May 4, 2014 In regards with my H, my H I believe thinks that I’m up to no good. He was suddenly very nice and “sweet”. He even initiates “sex” which I honestly was not in the mood for anymore. Anyway, during intimacy with my H, he told me that he does not believe I love him, although he thinks that I do care for him. That really bothers me that he says that. I ask him why thinks that, he said he feels it. The next day I asked him again and he said it was the wine talking. My H is such a lovable man, and I love him but we whenever were intimate, I just don’t feel that our level of wants and needs in bed is not the same. He does not know how to kiss me, and he does not lead the sex. He goes right to sex without fondling or kissing. That really baffles me. I told me him that I’m a woman and it takes longer for me to get arouse. Well, we have sex and he still did not do what I told him we have to do in order for me to feel good about our intimacy. I guess 10 years of being together, I should have known that nothing will change.
OneMess Posted May 4, 2014 Posted May 4, 2014 Wow, seems like an over-the-top reaction. I suspect you're right, and you finally saw the 'real' him. Yikes.
2sunny Posted May 4, 2014 Posted May 4, 2014 In regards with my H, my H I believe thinks that I’m up to no good. He was suddenly very nice and “sweet”. He even initiates “sex” which I honestly was not in the mood for anymore. Anyway, during intimacy with my H, he told me that he does not believe I love him, although he thinks that I do care for him. That really bothers me that he says that. I ask him why thinks that, he said he feels it. The next day I asked him again and he said it was the wine talking. My H is such a lovable man, and I love him but we whenever were intimate, I just don’t feel that our level of wants and needs in bed is not the same. He does not know how to kiss me, and he does not lead the sex. He goes right to sex without fondling or kissing. That really baffles me. I told me him that I’m a woman and it takes longer for me to get arouse. Well, we have sex and he still did not do what I told him we have to do in order for me to feel good about our intimacy. I guess 10 years of being together, I should have known that nothing will change. I think your H is right - you don't love him - but you may care enough not to divorce him. That's a sad foundation for marriage. You state what you need from a man is sex. As long as you get your other needs met by staying for selfish reasons in the M. How is this fair or right to your H? 4
Author Loretta25 Posted May 4, 2014 Author Posted May 4, 2014 I think your H is right - you don't love him - but you may care enough not to divorce him. That's a sad foundation for marriage. You state what you need from a man is sex. As long as you get your other needs met by staying for selfish reasons in the M. How is this fair or right to your H? I had been with him since I was 19; he was there for me through the years. I think that I saw him as a father figure; I know I know it’s sick. My H is a good man but at my age, I am beginning to see the light in my relationship with my H, I start looking for more and begun contemplating what I need or what was missing or what I missed. I am 29 year old, and I have not experienced many things in life due to being with my H at such an early stage in life. When I was in college, I was the only married woman in the class, and on my first job, people my age was too giddy about meeting up for a night out; meanwhile I need to get home so I can prepare dinner for my H and I. He never plans an actual date, and if he does, it’s always a bust. He never knew what I like. I analyzed my situation and my marriage and I realize that am married to a man whose so comfortable with what we have because at his age, he had experience everything life has to offer. He is in his 40’s, and we marry when he was in his early 30’s. He was done in college and have a good stable job when we marry; I never have to worry about finances because I have everything I would ever need….—It turns out, I needed to do it on my own, but I feel that it’s too late for me. Is it possible to have a mid-life crisis at 29?
Owl Posted May 5, 2014 Posted May 5, 2014 This may seem harsh, but it's really just a pointed thought. What you need to do here is simple. Make up your mind. Choose which relationship you're going to invest in...and end the other one. Not choose, and not ending the one you've de-selected, is the best way to keep the status quo, and to avoid improving anything in the relationship you choose to keep. So seriously...quit acting helpless...quit waffling...decide which relationship is the one you want to keep, and end the other one. It's THAT darned simple. 3
elitely Posted May 9, 2014 Posted May 9, 2014 You should adopt 'polyamorous' lifestyle,and stay with both men of your life! You don't need to leave your husband,neither do you need to leave the other man in your life! Stay with both!
2sunny Posted May 9, 2014 Posted May 9, 2014 Thank you for those who responded. I appreciate the advice. I will take all your feedback with a grain of salt. I know that I’m playing with fire and am slowly burning from my own making. I created this situation, and I could bail and forget about everything but I cannot let him go easily without him initiating the NC first. If the OM decides that he is no longer interested in ever seeing me again, I will respect his decision, and he shall never hear from me again. I want him to leave me altogether and tell me “I’m no longer interested” I need to hear this in order to let go, . His continuous feel good conversation with me intensifies my desire, and when he does not contact me my feelings slowly dwindles and it could die at the drop of a hat if only he ignores me. I was out with some friends the other day, and I was talking to a friend of mine about relationships, (I was drinking and was getting a little tipsy) I told her about my problem and explained that all of my correspondence with the OM were through email. Hmm, my friend told me that if he likes me, he will make an effort of calling rather than sending “cheap emails”, boom I saw a window of opportunity to end it and closed the door permanently. I thought that maybe if I kick up a rumpus over him not calling me, he would stop contacting me. So I sent a message saying that if he wanted to talk to me, he would need to call and to stop sending an email altogether. The very next day I receive an upset “angry man” emails as well as text message. He was so upset that I believe I finally met his real "SELF". So you stated he call - or you would end it. Yet he still emailed - even angry emails - then resorted to text next - but still no call. Seems like a guy who avoids being "real enough" to make a phone call. He may not even be real. Email and text are easy ways for anyone to remain fake or invisible. Since you've told your H what you need from him - yet he still won't make effort for you - it may not be a good match. Staying because he provides money is cruel. Your H has a firm idea you're not totally into him - why not divorce and find your own way in the world to be happy on your own? 29 is young. Can you imagine living another 35-40 years this way. It's hardly living when you're not happy.
almond Posted May 9, 2014 Posted May 9, 2014 You should adopt 'polyamorous' lifestyle,and stay with both men of your life! You don't need to leave your husband,neither do you need to leave the other man in your life! Stay with both! Lol I think you need to think a little more about this...it doesn't exactly work that way. You can't just adopt a polyamorous lifestyle while in a monogamous relationship - there is another person's feelings to consider. It's far from being that simple. 1
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