Fluttershy Posted May 2, 2014 Posted May 2, 2014 well, whether or not the post affair is revealed to the BS by the WS, one could only assume that it is still not "true" R if the WS still contacts the AP. What a mess is right. Most assuredly not. I have heard many Bs who have had false R and multiple DDays say the second (or more) betrayal is even worse. Because the WS has seen the pain and agony the affair caused, promised to be faithful and the BS has given them a second chance... Only to find out their spouse has kept one hand in the cookie jar. 2
waterwoman Posted May 2, 2014 Posted May 2, 2014 Most assuredly not. I have heard many Bs who have had false R and multiple DDays say the second (or more) betrayal is even worse. Because the WS has seen the pain and agony the affair caused, promised to be faithful and the BS has given them a second chance... Only to find out their spouse has kept one hand in the cookie jar. So true. If he could do this again after seeing my utter pain and confusion, The loss of self esteem, the loss of focus, i would turn my back and mourn the loss of the man he used to be. He knows thus.
Author joanofark Posted May 2, 2014 Author Posted May 2, 2014 This is truly a zero remorse situation. As much as the WS tells the BS that they are, the lies continue. This is serial cheating at its finest.
turnera Posted May 2, 2014 Posted May 2, 2014 How should a WS handle this situation. A long term PA with multiple ddays. BS decides to stay and R, except the WS is in a false R whereas they keep the affair going for another year. The WS then decides to end the A and work on marriage. Should the WS come clean about the A post dday or just let it be and hope no proof surfaces? Would the BS be more likely to be on board with a "real" R knowing it is definitely over for good with a confession that it previously was not?There IS no real marriage unless both of you are completely 100% honest. If you won't be honest, just end the marriage.
BetrayedH Posted May 2, 2014 Posted May 2, 2014 This is truly a zero remorse situation. As much as the WS tells the BS that they are, the lies continue. This is serial cheating at its finest. Are you the OW?
drifter777 Posted May 2, 2014 Posted May 2, 2014 ... I honestly don't think a person can fake R when the BS knows what real R looks like from either their own life experiences, research or just an general gut feeling. ... This has to be true for nearly everyone. If the BS doesn't bust them on it - for whatever reason - then whatever R they manage to accomplish under these false pretenses is not true and will not last.
RightThere Posted May 2, 2014 Posted May 2, 2014 Former.... So the A is over but the WS still keeps contacting you? If so, even with the PA ended, real reconciliation is not even in the picture at this point. It's fake reconciliation at its peak. If my understanding of your situation is correct, what made you ask about "real" reconciliation? It just seems to have nothing to do with you at all. It's really just the interaction between the BS and WS. (Hope that doesn't come across as disrespectful. I just was genuinely curious).
Author joanofark Posted May 2, 2014 Author Posted May 2, 2014 So the A is over but the WS still keeps contacting you? If so, even with the PA ended, real reconciliation is not even in the picture at this point. It's fake reconciliation at its peak. If my understanding of your situation is correct, what made you ask about "real" reconciliation? It just seems to have nothing to do with you at all. It's really just the interaction between the BS and WS. (Hope that doesn't come across as disrespectful. I just was genuinely curious). Correct. My feeling is that everything from the "major" dday was rugswept. With a commercial sweeper. When NC began, I knew it wouldn't last. And it has not. I am fully respecting the request for the WS to sort out their life (R with BS). From the moment NC was initiated, It has had "nothing" to do with me. I know the WS will NEVER tell the BS of the post-post affair. The WS has denied from day 1, and it was "accepted" by the BS. I inquired about the truth being told to see what I could expect. And just as I suspected, the WS isn't following through on their own demands.
RightThere Posted May 2, 2014 Posted May 2, 2014 Correct. My feeling is that everything from the "major" dday was rugswept. With a commercial sweeper. When NC began, I knew it wouldn't last. And it has not. I am fully respecting the request for the WS to sort out their life (R with BS). From the moment NC was initiated, It has had "nothing" to do with me. I know the WS will NEVER tell the BS of the post-post affair. The WS has denied from day 1, and it was "accepted" by the BS. I inquired about the truth being told to see what I could expect. And just as I suspected, the WS isn't following through on their own demands. Yikes. I don't even this what the WS is doing qualifies as "fake" reconciliation. It's more like "smoothing things over at home so that the WS can start up again later."
Author joanofark Posted May 2, 2014 Author Posted May 2, 2014 Yikes. I don't even this what the WS is doing qualifies as "fake" reconciliation. It's more like "smoothing things over at home so that the WS can start up again later." Smooth is a good word for the WS, IMO. Whatever is being done or said has worked seamlessly. But as for the WS starting up again, it won't be with me. 2
fellini Posted May 3, 2014 Posted May 3, 2014 (edited) Surely Reconciliation is a process. I think we all know what that means in terms of emotional work. A WS who is coming out of a LTR or an EA of significant time needs time to process and disentangle his/her emotional attachments to the AP. Surely that's obvious. The BS is somewhere in a state of trauma, PTSD, or massive depression. Anger, hatred, self hate, low o zero self esteem, etc. etc. etc. None of these people are in a place where "100% honesty" can prevail. What has to be honest is both their desire to rebuild their broken marriage (reconciliation) If Reconciliation process starts while either/both (and surely this is almost always the case) are still in RECOVERY (a different R altogether) then I don't see how anyone here can make blanket "rule based" statements about honesty truth 100% anything. A BS can easily say things that are "dishonest" to him/herself out of anger, desperation, things he/she 5 minutes or 5 hours or 5 days later regrets saying. And our beloved WS is, whether he/she likes it or not, still dealing with emotional residual from the AP. Add to that, every single couple has a different history Every single couple has a different set of skills with which to handle crises Every single couple has a different Affair to contend with (ONS, LTR, midlife crises, etc. etc.) Every single couple has a different support base from which to draw resources and assistance (someone to take the children off their hands, supportive friends and family etc) Every single couple has a different set of pressures resulting from NC (an AP who now lives 2000 miles away vs. having to go to work and potentially see the AP every day, or the AP is the guy next door) I don't see how people can make statements about what HAS to be a PRECONDITION / CONDITION for any reconciliation. Some BS's will use reconciliation as a tool to help the WS "get over" her AP by flooding her with appropriate love and affection and eliminating the vacuum she now feels having gone NC. Some BS's will require their spouse be clear that she is no longer having "dangerous" or "strong" or "nostalgic" feelings for the AP before he/she considers reconciliation. Both can work. For all the reasons I gave above. I don't see how anyone can create a RECONCILIATION TEMPLATE. Edited May 3, 2014 by fellini
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