littlemislucky100 Posted April 30, 2014 Posted April 30, 2014 (edited) Please tell me whether or not to give up hope with this situation. We had a truly wonderful relationship and three incredibly happy years, the happiest years of both our lives, but in our fourth year but we were very unlucky and got hit a lot of stress in our lives. He had massive financial problems, major job stress, physical exhaustion from working double time, a head injuryand the loss of his career dream that he had been working towards for many years. I also had a cancer scare, a very sick child, loneliness caused by a relocation and family issues and all of this hit us over a period of six months. While we stayed as close and "in love" as always over this hideous time, I developed an anxiety disorder and became "not myself" for a 5 – 6 month period. During this time he was wonderfully supportive and stayed strong for me but sadly he was (unbeknownst to me) developing depression himself due to all the pressure. He hid this from me for several months as he said he felt I was too fragile to handle it. Then his depression escalated after some more severe stress and he snapped and had a complete nervous breakdown. He left out of the blue on the day his breakdown hit him, without any discussion and moved out. He was in a very, very bad state for a few months and could not see me or talk to me and he was not even able to work. He said he had to be alone, he could not cope with life and he was sorry for the hurt he had caused. Fast forward six months and my anxiety is gone but he is still severely depressed. He is in treatment, but his anti-depressant medication has taken away all of his emotions and he feels no love for me or even his child really. He says he feels numb and detached and like he has lost himself. There have been times he has come back to me and told me he loves and misses me, but he needs time to heal himself before we are together again and he has asked for my support and patience, which I have always given. There have also been times he has behaved atrociously towards me – blaming me for his depression and telling me my anxiety caused this to happen to him which is killing me with guilt. For the past two months he has been out of contact completely. He has said that he has realised he has to take the journey to recovery alone and he cannot cope with me or our relationship while he is doing that. He finds contact with me too painful / upsetting so he essentially pretends I don’t exist and never did. We were together for 4 years, we lived together, we had a blended family and our kids have been devastated by this. We were planning our wedding and we were just so, so happy as a team and had such a strong relationship. He was the most wonderful person I ever met and he says he still thinks the same about me. He also says he still wants me desperately, but he has decided he is just better off alone. I am trying to be positive about life and to move on and cope with this. It’s just very hard and I feel so much grief, loss and lonliness for missing him. I date other people, some of them wonderful. I exercise every day to stop from getting depressed. I write in a journal. I am having therapy. I see friends and have thrown myself into work but I just miss him so much. It doesn’t seem to get better and I can’t imagine a future where I ever feel whole without him. He has created an almighty mess, and to be honest if he comes out of the depression and wants to come back it would be very difficult. He has hurt me so much, and treated me so badly but I can’t hate him because I know he has been (and still is in) complete hell. My friends and family are all so angry at him. I just want to know what anyone thinks. Do you think love can find a way in circumstances like this? I don’t think two people could have been happier than we were and I just want to believe all is not lost. I know though that he is trying to move on and forget me. I am just so sad, please help me Edited April 30, 2014 by littlemislucky100
Elle1975 Posted April 30, 2014 Posted April 30, 2014 Please tell me whether or not to give up hope with this situation. We had a truly wonderful relationship and three incredibly happy years, the happiest years of both our lives, but in our fourth year but we were very unlucky and got hit a lot of stress in our lives. He had massive financial problems, major job stress, physical exhaustion from working double time, a head injuryand the loss of his career dream that he had been working towards for many years. I also had a cancer scare, a very sick child, loneliness caused by a relocation and family issues and all of this hit us over a period of six months. While we stayed as close and "in love" as always over this hideous time, I developed an anxiety disorder and became "not myself" for a 5 – 6 month period. During this time he was wonderfully supportive and stayed strong for me but sadly he was (unbeknownst to me) developing depression himself due to all the pressure. He hid this from me for several months as he said he felt I was too fragile to handle it. Then his depression escalated after some more severe stress and he snapped and had a complete nervous breakdown. He left out of the blue on the day his breakdown hit him, without any discussion and moved out. He was in a very, very bad state for a few months and could not see me or talk to me and he was not even able to work. He said he had to be alone, he could not cope with life and he was sorry for the hurt he had caused. Fast forward six months and my anxiety is gone but he is still severely depressed. He is in treatment, but his anti-depressant medication has taken away all of his emotions and he feels no love for me or even his child really. He says he feels numb and detached and like he has lost himself. There have been times he has come back to me and told me he loves and misses me, but he needs time to heal himself before we are together again and he has asked for my support and patience, which I have always given. There have also been times he has behaved atrociously towards me – blaming me for his depression and telling me my anxiety caused this to happen to him which is killing me with guilt. For the past two months he has been out of contact completely. He has said that he has realised he has to take the journey to recovery alone and he cannot cope with me or our relationship while he is doing that. He finds contact with me too painful / upsetting so he essentially pretends I don’t exist and never did. We were together for 4 years, we lived together, we had a blended family and our kids have been devastated by this. We were planning our wedding and we were just so, so happy as a team and had such a strong relationship. He was the most wonderful person I ever met and he says he still thinks the same about me. He also says he still wants me desperately, but he has decided he is just better off alone. I am trying to be positive about life and to move on and cope with this. It’s just very hard and I feel so much grief, loss and lonliness for missing him. I date other people, some of them wonderful. I exercise every day to stop from getting depressed. I write in a journal. I am having therapy. I see friends and have thrown myself into work but I just miss him so much. It doesn’t seem to get better and I can’t imagine a future where I ever feel whole without him. He has created an almighty mess, and to be honest if he comes out of the depression and wants to come back it would be very difficult. He has hurt me so much, and treated me so badly but I can’t hate him because I know he has been (and still is in) complete hell. My friends and family are all so angry at him. I just want to know what anyone thinks. Do you think love can find a way in circumstances like this? I don’t think two people could have been happier than we were and I just want to believe all is not lost. I know though that he is trying to move on and forget me. I am just so sad, please help me I personally think that after what you have been through as a couple, there's a chance. That was a lot of stress on the relationship. However, I don't know what's going through his mind. I could be wrong. I don't think that love is always enough. Some people like to think so. I just don't. We all have different levels of tolerance when the sh*t hits the fan, if I may say. Some people stay tight together through hell, some can't take the pressure and flee. I am not suggesting for you to leave the door open though. As for right now, he says he doesn't love you, so I'd base my behavior according to that. I'm sorry that your family has been torn apart.
Author littlemislucky100 Posted April 30, 2014 Author Posted April 30, 2014 Thank you for saying that
Elle1975 Posted April 30, 2014 Posted April 30, 2014 Thank you for saying that It's tough with kids involved. Keep us posted. I'd like to know.
Smarty Pants Posted April 30, 2014 Posted April 30, 2014 Dum Vita Est, Spes Est. While there is life, there is hope. I have it tattooed on my arm as a reminder that even when things look their darkest, these is always light at the end of the tunnel. Nobody knows what will happen in the future. The easiest thing is to let go of hope for reconciliation, and grab hold of the hope that things will work out for you. Took me a long time to realize that people's feelings change all the time. The relationship may work out, and it may not. Best thing to do is let go and live your life. Everyone on here advocates NC to heal yourself and forget about your SO. Not that there is no chance you will ever be together again, but so that you will be fine no matter what happens. We are all in the same boat. Stay strong and know we are here for you
Author littlemislucky100 Posted April 30, 2014 Author Posted April 30, 2014 Thanks so much for that. It's good advice. I did wonder whether me not contacting him at all will just make him forget me and move on though. Thus far, every time he sees me, he says he "remembers" that he loves me and wonders what on earth he was thinking then as soon as we are apart he goes back to this awful coldness. I just stopped contacting him because it was hurting me too much to keep getting close only to be pushed away. I am just really afraid he will forget me and the kids will get so used to our family being split that all hope will be lost
FredJones80 Posted April 30, 2014 Posted April 30, 2014 I did wonder whether me not contacting him at all will just make him forget me and move on though. I am just really afraid he will forget me and the kids will get so used to our family being split that all hope will be lost I think this is a natural reaction, I know I went through this stage. You convince yourself that if you can keep you in their mind then somehow at some point they will realise it was all a big mistake and come back. There are a few problems with this :- 1) Keep bugging someone pushes them further away, my ex could take days, weeks or even months to make a decision on something, but it had to come from her and in her own time, bugging, pestering and prodding increased the length of time needed. Some people need space to think, others don't. I don't, she did, it was hard to learn this. 2) If you're worth it or are enough for him he won't forget you and will come back in his own time. If he doesn't come back, there isn't anything you can do, he will definitely never forget you though. 3) Keep contacting him may force his decision one way or another, make him back off and you've ruined any chance or feel pressured in to going with what you want and then regret it when you're back together leading to a split further down the line. I made a point of making it clear on my final contact that splitting up was not what I wanted. Just to be sure she knew. No need to keep reminding the fact. Give him time, give him space, he will come if he wants, if he doesn't then prepare for pain
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