LDR seems to be dying

[Landarion]

Hello !,

 

since this my first Post i will introduce myself. My name is Chris, 35 and i live in Europe, my girlfriend is chinese 26 and lives in Beijing.

 

So about my LDR......I work at Project Manager and have to go to Asia regulary for Business. So late year in October i had to lead a Project in Beijing China.

 

One of my male chinese coworkers recommended an Smartphone App to me to stay in touch. So one evening i stayed at the Hotel and was bored and check out the App. I saw that it also had a functionality to hook up with People in your vicinity.

 

So i check out that function and saw it was pretty similar to Facebook, People had a Profile/Page etc. First thing i saw was a profile of a girl that just looked to good to be true so my facebook experienced mind screamed "FAKE !" :-) I decided to send her/him/it a message anyway and was surprised to get a reply rather quick.

 

We actually had a good conversation and during our talk she told me that she works as an Actress(movies/tv show) and i was like "oh yeah right". We kept talking during the next few days and while i could understand her it was obvious that her english was not really good. This went on for about 2 weeks and the told me in the meantime that she had no boyfriend. So i thought what the heck just ask her out for dinner and see if she is real or not.

 

She told me she would love to be was very busy at moment...so about one week later we agreed to meet. That was 4 days before i had to go back to europe. I arrived about 5 minutes before her as the location and when she arrived and i saw her waving at me it was a truely magic moment. It was really like some aura surrounding her and she was no fake but very real.

 

We spend a nice day together, also had dinner together. Language was a problem because she understood nearly all i said but was too shy to speak herself most of the time. We agreed to meet again the day after because we both had a good time.

 

So the next day we agree to meet in the afternoon and 1 hour before she gives me a message that her management called and she needs to fly to another city for a movie. We both knew i had to go back in 3 days and felt both down. So she packed her stuff in a hurry and said she will try her best to meet me before the flight so we can spend some time together. So we really met for like 3 hours and it was really nice. She talked way more than the day before, both like smiling all the time, you all know the stories about stomachs and butterflies...

 

So before she had to go, i said to myself, you wont see her for a long time so...kiss her and either get slapped in the face or she feels the same......so..i kissed her and while she looked surprised first she kissed me back....so we said goodbye...

 

She catched her flight we talked all the time sent pictures to each other, and 3 days later i went back. After that we talked every day. She said she really likes me but she also worried about the difference culture and the distance and fears we will have many problems. Also a lot of her "friends" gave her the advice to forget about the whole thing. That time she told me she wants to listen to her heart not her friends.

 

So i said i will make a guest visa for her so she can come to europe if she likes. She said yes and we decided she would come for christmas. She told her parents about us and while their parents had big concerns about her visiting europe they did not give her a hard time about it and told her to decide by herself.

 

Shortly before i started to work on the visa papers she suddenly told me its better to wait for me to come back because we dont know each other so well yet and its not good for a girl to visit a guy in a foreign country so quick. I was disappointed first but also could somehow understand it. So i said "ok i take some holidays and come to see you asap". So i booked a flight in January and took a 3,5 weeks holiday.

 

The time before January was not easy, i could see several times that she was shaking. She told me that she is a very emotional person and she cant accept that i am not by her side when she feels sad...etc...i told her i will be there soon and we both should look forward to it, but there were several days were it felt like she is about to give up.

 

So in January i go to Beijing and somehow i expected her to not show up or be busy or whatever. But what followed was a real awesome time. We spent every day, every minute together, we became really close and it felt great. We talked about that a LDR should have a goal and she said she will definately come to visit me and see how she likes the culture and she can imagine a future together. So we decided she comes to Europe at March after she spent time with her Family for the chinese new Year.

 

After i went back she was acting like a "real" girlfriend, lots of messages, lots of pictures, lots of attention, lots of talk about a future together etc. She talked with her parents again and told me that it would be nice if i try to learn some chinese so i could also communicate with her parents(i already knew to speak chinese so it was no problem for me to work on improving it).

 

So....after the new year i got a message from her.....Management called in again and asked her to go to shanghai for a big movie project. I was pretty disappointed about it and she said if you love me we will make it through this and i just come later. She said the movie might be last up to 3 Months.....So she went to shanghai and shortly afterwards confirmed that she has to stay there for 3 Months...bummer..

 

I could feel that she was worried that i give up on us, but i told her not to worry i will wait for her. She bought a wifi router so we could Facetime/videocall from her Hotelroom which we could only do on weekends because of the time difference. But it was nice. Throughout the first Month everything was fine. Then i could see that she changed. Less Messages, more "i am just busy", or "i am tired you have to understand". Now i am a very understanding Person and i was shocked to see how the Movie business actually works. She just did not have a single free day, get up at 5 or 6 in the morning, work until 9+ in the evening, eat, sleep, Rinse repeat. So i could understand that she was not always in the mood for romance.

 

Anyway at one point the Hotel LAN was suddenly "broken" and we could not Facetime anymore. When i told her i just call her she said "i dont like phone calls because i cant see your face". Her messages were slowly reduced to "woke up", "arrived at work", "finished work", "just took shower", "in bed want to sleep, see you". When i told her we should maybe take some time to talk about each others day i usually got a "tired dont want to talk".

 

During that time i told her she needs to check and book a flight and if she got time already prepare some things for the visa for europe. and she said "i will do that soon and tell you when its done." fact was several weeks later she did nothing at all. So she said "i will do it within the next days". Another 2 weeks later...nothing.

 

During that time i told her she it feels like she is more distant not as close as before and she just said she is still the same and my reasons are childish and i cant understand her.....she completely stopped to ask about anything regarding my life, meaning no "how is your day", "did you sleep well" etc. She also started to completly ignore things i wrote her on chat and started to just reply with pictures of herself or food.

 

So last week she sends me a picture of food at a restaurant, i see she took it and i see the guy's wallet and a part of a guy's arm across the table from her. Showed several of my friends and all said "thats a guy 100 percent sure". So the next day i confront her about it and she says "you dont trust me there is other people there too there are just not on the picture".

 

Surprisingly 3 days ago she is suddenly totally different and like before, she writes all the time, facetime me from the movie set(before we did not see each other on facetime for over one month), and asks me when exactly she should book the flight to europe. We talked a lot and it felt like i was talking to my "old" gf again. Before she went to sleep though i asked her if she finalized the flight reservation and i got a "NO ! good night!!!!" back. I was like what the hell..?

 

So yesterday things went finally really bad....i wanted to talk with her about something important i asked her on chat if she is busy right now at work and she says "no i am not busy" so we talk and in the middle of the conversation she is suddenly gone. No word nothing. 1 hour later she talks again and i tell her that before when we talked and she had something to do she just said "something came up honey i will be right back". And again she called me childish and when she says "not busy" does not mean she just sits around.

 

So i told her we can talk before she sleeps. She arrives at the hotel we talk and ...she is gone again. 2 hours later i get "just showered" and i reply with "showered for 90mins:)?". At that point she totally goes off at me. That my jokes are hurting her, that i make her feel like ending this, that she feels more and more we are unable to communicate and that she feels we don't match. She continued that she told her roommate our text messages and her roommate suggested to her its not possible we stay together because of several factors.....???... plus she said its late now and a chinese Boyfriend would tell her good night and sleep well(what i do every day since she went there) instead of making such a stupid joke.

 

I just told her that i think its interesting that her roommate can make a judgement about our relationship and knows nothing about us. I told her before that nearly all my chinese friends "warned" me about starting a relationship with a chinese actress because they thought an actress is bad news and not reliable in a relationship, but i listened to my heart not to my friends.

 

So she went on that i should listen to my friends because she is a bad person and she will just make me feel bad and unhappy and ended it all with good night bye bye !

 

So....this is the situation....sorry for writing so much but this is the first time for me to write such a message on such a forum...

 

So i am open for any advice..

 

Cheers

Edited April 30, 2014 by Landarion

[missunshine]

oh god.. looks to me, she isn't interested in making this work. I m sorry. and well you should back off, and see how she acts. make her feel like she makes you feel. I know that would be probably very hard for you to do, but try to endure. and if there is no change from her side, ask her to talk, and tell her it's over. you just have to face it. these LDR are not easy at all.

[justwhoiam]

i am open for any advice..

 

1) Don't judge the book by its cover.

2) Actresses tend to be self-centered.

3) A young actress tends to always put her job first.

4) I think Chinese guys know better.

5) She has no boyfriend for a reason, which is not her looks.

6) It's not her who needs to weigh "your culture", but it's you who must watch out for any red flags.

 

Anyway, how many guys did she date the same way she dated you? By the dozens?

 

And just be aware of what her career might entail: Chinese Not Surprised By Zhang Ziyi Scandal - The Daily Beast

[Landarion]

Hello,

 

Thank you for the replies. I guess if you are in love with someone, you dont see see things clear as usual but more clouded.

 

Somehow all those things she said kind of opened my eyes. Because i think a girl that really loves you would never say such things.

 

I wanted to talk with her to clear things today but she stopped replying to any message, so i guess .....

[justwhoiam]

She might be giving you clues, or just testing you to see if you stick around. Keep your cool and act as if her behavior were not affecting you in the least. Then see what happens.

 

Keep contact alive and do your part of the job. If you realize she's not putting any effort into the relationship, then you will draw your conclusions.

 

Most importantly, always remember points #1 to #6.

[missunshine]

I know that you want to have an ending conclusion that both of you made, say goodbye and things like that... because right now, you probably feel like it's not ended yet. but you have tried, and she isn't answering, and so I think you should leave it to that and endure. if she contacts you, you will see what she says. if not, I guess that's the way things should stay. and I'd give you an advise not to write her a goodbye only on your own. and end it by urself. no! just don't write anything to her.