Gutted

[Roboute]

Hi everyone .. Im new to the site and I looked up places where i could tell my story, speak my mind and maybe get some support and recommendations on my situation

 

So i had a girlfriend. We got together 4 yrs ago in high school when we were 15yrs old .. i had had a crush on this girl for 2 yrs .. im a shy guy so after 2 yrs of psyching myself up ... i sent her a friend request on facebook .. ikr ... anyway we got to chatting and i found that she was a great person .. we chatted every night .. we had alot in common .. i always sort of kept to myself in school i never was too social, always felt awkward and left out, but since chatting with her we became more aware of each others presence (in other words she finally noticed me) and i began to feel part of the social world .. so finally i asked her if she wanted to go out with me .. she was so happy , not as much as i was ofc .. so like the 15 yr olds we were we started chatting more in person, i walked her home everyday spent recess and lunch together .. the occasional hug and kiss to the cheek .. i was the happiest i'd ever been .. being 15 neither one of us were really through puberty so there was no sexual activity or desire for it .. we just loved each other .. anyway a few months later she tells me her dad gets a transfer .. and not too long after that they moved out of the small town we lived in, to the city .. she made me pinky promise never to forget her and ofc i never did .. the last day we had together we hugged and she cried her eyes out.

 

We werent over yet though we continued long distance .. knowing perfectly well that didnt matter cause we didnt start loving each other for the physical or sensual presence anyway we could still talk .. and we did .. n she promised we would never change .. she is a pretty girl and i was a dorky anti-social kid who just sketched superheroes and kept to myself .. naturally it was easy for her to make friends and the more she made the less a part of her life i felt .. it was like i got a taste at being involved in life and then had it stripped .. we talked n talked but i still didnt feel involved .. whenever she uploaded pics of her having fun with her new friends it saddened me .. she didnt knw it bothered me n i knw she didnt do it to bother me , but she looked happy n i didnt want to keep that from her .. it was just that i missed putting that smile on her face .. month after month she got more n more caught up with her new life n we became more distant , if we ever chatted it would have to be me to start it .. she didnt send me any 'i miss you' messages anymore .. but she still did love me, she just became lazy about it. for awhile there we didn't talk for bout 4 months, we were both confused.

 

After the silent 4 months i find out she was coming to my town again for a ceremony. i contact her n she asks me "do u want to see me?" ofc i do n i tell her that, she thought i stopped loving her. this reinforced in me how much i knew she loved me, she thought i gave up n she held on. 2yrs had passed n we meet and she runs and hugs me n doesnt want to let go, she is fascinated in the height i grew the muscle i put on n the few patches of facial hair that have presented themselves. We hit it off again. this time we put in more effort. i went to visit her in the city. we got back to chatting and hugging and kissing. no sex though we both come from families with strong morales and opinions bout that. it was great. i was happy again.

 

the years for me that she was away was a defining time for me, i started to grow up; to question things, question my existence my purpose where my life was headed, questioned god and the person i would become .. but i always believed in her despite the hindrances between us .. because she was away and because we didnt talk as much for that 4month period the image of her i kept in my mind was the one i remembered, the one that made me pinky promise, the one that would always accept me for me no matter what became of me , faith or social pressures didnt affect me because i had her, i had happiness and i would never give that up even if that meant accepting reality. i held on to that image of us and it drove me. i started going to the gym, i played rugby in school , i was made captain of the school team after proving myself and proving all those who thought i couldn't wrong. she was a constant in an equation of my life that had so many variables, everything i did i did thinking of how it would make her proud make her love me more. She is incorruptable a saint in my eyes. Thats why it hit me so hard when she told me she cheated on me.

 

This was 7 months ago, she went to her prom n made out with this guy. I wasn't expecting it, i thought we were solid. I cried. i always assumed u get angry in these situations. but i didn't. i was just absolutely gutted. depressed. to gutted to be angry. i love her unconditionally so i was willing to forgive her, but when i called her to talk it over i was expecting her to say something ..to give me a reason to even though i probably would, forgive her .. she didn't say much... she was sad.. she just said 'u shud break up with me' .. we spent so long on the phone n in my mind i was begging for her to say something gimme a reason not to .. but it sounded like she was sorry she hurt me but not sorry for what she had done. we split.

 

a few months later i start my first semester here at uni ... much to my surprise the dude she cheated on me with is in the same dorms as me. and they are together now. the dude she cheated on is friends with my brother and is a part of the guys so i see him alot. he knws who i am n he keeps his distance , just the 'hi' every now and then .. i asked her if she had moved on n she said she had then she asked me the same question n i said i had (i lied because i knw she is a good person and if she knew i was upset about it she wouldnt feel so good bout being with the guy and she looks happy, n i still want her to be happy) everytime i see them im gutted all over again.. nothing is so simple anymore nothing feels right. i dnt put so much effort into the things i do .. my studies my hobbies .. im depressed and angry all the time and frustrated because i cant show it .. i am an awkward guy, she was the only one i knew i could be me with, i could talk to ... im here now telling my story to strangers on the internet.. people who dont really care, who'd just read this and maybe feel for me but soon forget. im tired but i cant sleep, im angry but i knw i cant be , i got things to say but no one to tell or atleast no one who wants to listen, im tired ...

[thysecret]

I know how you feel. I was on the other side, my ex was the dorky one and he always said i was too good for him. BUT he dumped me because he lost feelings and now interested in someone new. It hurts but life is unfair. I believe she is still young and facing GIGS. First love hardly last.... because they want to try others. With the distance, it is even harder as you are there but not really there (don't know if you get it).

 

Maybe you feel inferior and cannot find someone as pretty as her. Believe me, i felt like this as well. One day you will meet someone who truly love you for who you are. Make changes. Dorky people always grow up to be successful man! You're still young so you have alot more in life. Don't worry, you will meet someone! Stay strong, keep up with NC.