How could you EVER take back someone who left you??

[Ordinaryday]

I have occasionally heard stories about dumpers coming back, BEGGING for another chance, and the dumpee agrees to do it and they reconcile. I just don't understand this.

 

I could NEVER take back someone who once gave up on me.

 

I think of it this way - at the moment they dump you they are prepared to risk losing you forever... they DON'T KNOW if you will meet and get married to someone else, they DON'T KNOW if you will kill yourself in a spot of depression over getting dumped (yes most dumpees are strong enough not to... but very sadly some do), they DON'T KNOW if you will grow to hate them and never want to speak to them again. they know that if they leave you there is a chance they WON'T BE ABLE TO GET YOU BACK and they have decided that is okay by them.

 

and they have obviously weighed up the odds and decided that at that moment they don't care enough about those factors, and they are prepared to risk all of the above happening because they want out!

 

and then if a dumper ever came back, for WHATEVER REASON, I just don't see how I could ever EVER trust them again - because at one point they were prepared to risk losing me forever, they were prepared to wash their hands of me completely 100%.... so if they ever came back all I would think was

 

"they gave up on me once... what is stopping them doing it again?" and even if they said they wouldnt I WOULD NOT BELIEVE THEM. because at one time they were okay with the possibility of losing me FOREVER and they knew if they dumped me there was a chance they would NEVER EVER speak to me again... and they did it anyway.

 

so I could never trust someone like that, no ifs, buts or maybes.

 

could you EVER take back a dumper??? the feeling of betrayal is just too much for me, and while I would love for them to come crawling back it is because I would like the ego-boost and the satisfaction of knowing I was right... not because I want to be in a relationship with them.

 

so could you EVER take back someone who dumped you? and even if you did do you believe it could EVER get back to the way it was the first time? even if you took them back the fact that they dumped you would always ALWAYS be the elephant in the room.

 

so what say you? could YOU do it?

[faithfully]

I agree with you but i would never ever get back with an ex regardless how special he was.

 

Ive had 3 ex boyfriends and never been back with any of them. The current ex dumped me even tho i loved him more than anything.

 

Now nearly 5months NC its has made me realise why i would never ever ever get back with him even if he was the only man on this earth.

[Ordinaryday]

I agree with you but i would never ever get back with an ex regardless how special he was.

 

Ive had 3 ex boyfriends and never been back with any of them. The current ex dumped me even tho i loved him more than anything.

 

Now nearly 5months NC its has made me realise why i would never ever ever get back with him even if he was the only man on this earth.

 

People have often said I am very blunt, and they mean it in a bad way. but I dont consider it bad, I consider it a strength.

 

one time one of my dumpers breadcrumbed me a very standard "hi how are you" type message and I very rudely responded back that she was to never ever contact me again.

 

so many people here are focused on things like "what do I say if I bump into them?", "should I wish them a HB?" and so on. I am not.

 

once they dump me they get nothing from me, and they never will again.

[Summerrose2013]

I think if my ex had asked me back pretty much immediately, I would have tried to reconcile.

 

But after a few months? Nah, thats just them finding they have a void in their life/a bit of boredom setting in, and the grass aint greener. I'm not going to be anyones time filler. They would soon drop back into old habits and I'm a shocker for bearing a grudge. Forgive and forget really isn't in my nature if they have really hurt me.

 

They would have to - as someone once said here - really move a mountain.

 

I hear of childhood sweethearts re kindling their love 20 years on and I sort of see that- when you're young, you can want differnet things from life, and maybe are just in different places and come together later on.

[Ordinaryday]

I think if my ex had asked me back pretty much immediately, I would have tried to reconcile.

 

But after a few months? Nah, thats just them finding they have a void in their life/a bit of boredom setting in, and the grass aint greener. I'm not going to be anyones time filler. They would soon drop back into old habits and I'm a shocker for bearing a grudge. Forgive and forget really isn't in my nature if they have really hurt me.

 

They would have to - as someone once said here - really move a mountain.

 

I hear of childhood sweethearts re kindling their love 20 years on and I sort of see that- when you're young, you can want differnet things from life, and maybe are just in different places and come together later on.

 

you know why I reckon most (not all) dumpers come back?? because the person they dumped or left you for or have seen since they dumped you... well that person DUMPED THEM and now they are faced with the shocking possibility of being ALONE.

 

and they dont want that so they remember that they dumped you and while you did not have all the qualities they wanted in a partner you had a few, and like an old blanket or teddy bear you are 'comfortable' and even though they know you are not 'the one' they think you will be happy to take them back and that it will be a nice distraction to spend a little bit of time with you, maybe give them an ego-boost by you telling them how great they are, and then as soon as someone 'better' comes along you will be dropped like yesterday's newspaper!

 

and they can even justify it in their minds as you being so in love with them that they are doing you some sort of 'favour' by spending a bit of time with you!

 

yes, this is extremely cynical and bitter... but this view comes from experience.

[Summerrose2013]

Ordinary day, I agree with you.

 

I always remember this great UK sitcom, Men Behaving Badly. Dorothy leaves her useless boyfriend for a handsome stud. He dumps her and she comes running back to the old bf. When he asks why she is back, she replies 'I wanted to be with someone I could feel superior to'. This always stuck with me for some reason....

[saltyfishhead666]

I have occasionally heard stories about dumpers coming back, BEGGING for another chance, and the dumpee agrees to do it and they reconcile. I just don't understand this.

 

I could NEVER take back someone who once gave up on me.

 

I think of it this way - at the moment they dump you they are prepared to risk losing you forever... they DON'T KNOW if you will meet and get married to someone else, they DON'T KNOW if you will kill yourself in a spot of depression over getting dumped (yes most dumpees are strong enough not to... but very sadly some do), they DON'T KNOW if you will grow to hate them and never want to speak to them again. they know that if they leave you there is a chance they WON'T BE ABLE TO GET YOU BACK and they have decided that is okay by them.

 

and they have obviously weighed up the odds and decided that at that moment they don't care enough about those factors, and they are prepared to risk all of the above happening because they want out!

 

and then if a dumper ever came back, for WHATEVER REASON, I just don't see how I could ever EVER trust them again - because at one point they were prepared to risk losing me forever, they were prepared to wash their hands of me completely 100%.... so if they ever came back all I would think was

 

"they gave up on me once... what is stopping them doing it again?" and even if they said they wouldnt I WOULD NOT BELIEVE THEM. because at one time they were okay with the possibility of losing me FOREVER and they knew if they dumped me there was a chance they would NEVER EVER speak to me again... and they did it anyway.

 

so I could never trust someone like that, no ifs, buts or maybes.

 

could you EVER take back a dumper??? the feeling of betrayal is just too much for me, and while I would love for them to come crawling back it is because I would like the ego-boost and the satisfaction of knowing I was right... not because I want to be in a relationship with them.

 

so could you EVER take back someone who dumped you? and even if you did do you believe it could EVER get back to the way it was the first time? even if you took them back the fact that they dumped you would always ALWAYS be the elephant in the room.

 

so what say you? could YOU do it?

 

NO NO NO NO NO NEVER EVER NO!!!!

 

When my ex walked away from me he has tortured me. Not physically but emotionally. He loved handing out silent treatments at the drop of a hat. One minute things would be blissful the next he ignored me for a month - then 6 weeks while I sat and cried wondering what I had done wrong.

 

If you'd have asked this question last year in July - I would have done back without thinking about it.

 

If you'd have asked me in october - I would have thought about it - and probably gone back.

 

now - NEVER!!! I would rather poke out my eyes with a hot spear and chew my own arms off rather than go anywhere near him again.

 

With time that realization come's and only with time.

[Jiivy]

What frightens me beyond all belief is that I know you're absolutely right. I wish I were strong enough to be certain that I would say no, IF she ever came back to me.

 

I don't want to hold a grudge, but I also don't ever want a partner who would be willing to give up on me forever. Especially my partner who left me for someone else after 7 years...

 

One day I'll be strong enough to say no. This is both liberating and utterly terrifying.

[Ordinaryday]

What frightens me beyond all belief is that I know you're absolutely right. I wish I were strong enough to be certain that I would say no, IF she ever came back to me.

 

I don't want to hold a grudge, but I also don't ever want a partner who would be willing to give up on me forever. Especially my partner who left me for someone else after 7 years...

 

One day I'll be strong enough to say no. This is both liberating and utterly terrifying.

 

I know EXACTLY how you feel. loneliness sucks. so you think that if they ever came back, whatever their motivations, you might take them back temporarily if only to kill a bit of the loneliness.

 

problem with that line of thinking is logically when they leave you again you will end up EVEN LONELIER than you were the first time they dumped you because you will have been rejected twice!

[Haydn]

I have taken back an ex in the long dim distant past. It lasted another 6 months and i left her. Usually too many questions that keep being asked. I wouldn`t again.

[elseaacych]

I don't know.

 

I guess he would have to move mountains for me, or have had a total personality change. I'd be kind of skeptical.

 

I'd be tempted to see if he understood what love truly was. I'd give him all of my journals so he could mull over exactly what happened while we were apart. I'd feel that it would be a tough decision to make, especially if I haven't had another lover in between that time.

 

I don't think it's going to happen though. And I feel grateful for it.

[Elle1975]

I have occasionally heard stories about dumpers coming back, BEGGING for another chance, and the dumpee agrees to do it and they reconcile. I just don't understand this.

 

I could NEVER take back someone who once gave up on me.

 

I think of it this way - at the moment they dump you they are prepared to risk losing you forever... they DON'T KNOW if you will meet and get married to someone else, they DON'T KNOW if you will kill yourself in a spot of depression over getting dumped (yes most dumpees are strong enough not to... but very sadly some do), they DON'T KNOW if you will grow to hate them and never want to speak to them again. they know that if they leave you there is a chance they WON'T BE ABLE TO GET YOU BACK and they have decided that is okay by them.

 

and they have obviously weighed up the odds and decided that at that moment they don't care enough about those factors, and they are prepared to risk all of the above happening because they want out!

 

and then if a dumper ever came back, for WHATEVER REASON, I just don't see how I could ever EVER trust them again - because at one point they were prepared to risk losing me forever, they were prepared to wash their hands of me completely 100%.... so if they ever came back all I would think was

 

"they gave up on me once... what is stopping them doing it again?" and even if they said they wouldnt I WOULD NOT BELIEVE THEM. because at one time they were okay with the possibility of losing me FOREVER and they knew if they dumped me there was a chance they would NEVER EVER speak to me again... and they did it anyway.

 

so I could never trust someone like that, no ifs, buts or maybes.

 

could you EVER take back a dumper??? the feeling of betrayal is just too much for me, and while I would love for them to come crawling back it is because I would like the ego-boost and the satisfaction of knowing I was right... not because I want to be in a relationship with them.

 

so could you EVER take back someone who dumped you? and even if you did do you believe it could EVER get back to the way it was the first time? even if you took them back the fact that they dumped you would always ALWAYS be the elephant in the room.

 

so what say you? could YOU do it?

 

Trusting someone who left you once is a hard one indeed.

 

However, just because they left doesn't necessarily mean they are the vilain of the story. Break ups happen for a multitude of reasons.

[faithfully]

No1 can move mountain so in my eyes its still a no even if they tried and tried. I refuse to be 2nd best to no1.

 

To be honest i dont really care and there are loads of hot guys in this world so they aint that special.

[Virgin26]

I wish I were as strong as you. It's been months after he left me, and I would take him back in a heartbeat. I know that I shouldn't, but the heart wants what it wants. I still love my ex, and I can't see myself with anyone else. Even though I haven't talked to him in months, and I have dated other men, I still want him back

 

He hasn't reached out to me or tried to get in touch at all. I guess it's a blessing in disguise.

[eleve82]

I would have considered taking an ex back but the timing never allowed for it. The long and short was that he was totally honest with me - he told me he thought he could easily find someone like me. But now he knew he was wrong. 5 years after he broke up with me, he was still emailing me and telling me he thought of me.

 

I do think that some people make genuine mistakes when they are young/inexperienced. Sometimes, people have to go through the process where they then realise what exactly about you is different and that the relationship was special.

[Virgin26]

Also, not every ex is an evil person. Just because you were hurt by the breakup doesn't make them terrible (unless they cheated or manipulated you). Think of times when you had to breakup with someone just because you weren't feeling the same anymore. It happens to the best of us. Sometimes you need to lose a person for a while in order to learn to value them more.

[PhillyConnection23]

Also, not every ex is an evil person. Just because you were hurt by the breakup doesn't make them terrible (unless they cheated or manipulated you). Think of times when you had to breakup with someone just because you weren't feeling the same anymore. It happens to the best of us. Sometimes you need to lose a person for a while in order to learn to value them more.

 

Agreed. Was my break up hard on me? Very much so. Was it hard on my ex? I believe so. I don't hate her, she doesn't hate me. But she did think that I was unable to be the person she wanted. I disagreed with this assessment but she was unwilling to try again.

 

Could the distance and separation help us? Absolutely.

 

Will I try to connect with her in the future? Probably but I'm not putting all my cards in that outcome...

[hotpotato]

 

I think of it this way - at the moment they dump you they are prepared to risk losing you forever... they DON'T KNOW if you will meet and get married to someone else, they DON'T KNOW if you will kill yourself in a spot of depression over getting dumped (yes most dumpees are strong enough not to... but very sadly some do), they DON'T KNOW if you will grow to hate them and never want to speak to them again. they know that if they leave you there is a chance they WON'T BE ABLE TO GET YOU BACK and they have decided that is okay by them.

 

 

IMO some dumpers think you will still wait on them even though they dumped you probably for someone else. They want you to look past their mistake of dumping you, but they couldn't forgive your shortcomings enough to stick around.

 

I've had dumpers or guys who otherwise passed me up come crawling back. Why? Because everything else fell through. I'm not satisfied being a fall back girl or Plan B, so I have denied them.

 

I thought I wanted my last ex back, but I decided I could do better.

 

I want a man who will appreciate me. I don't want someone who has to get dumped by someone else to suddenly see the light (or use my as a placeholder).

 

The guy who had passed me up for other for years now wants me. I'm looking at other guys, I don't want him. He says that my charms are subtle, he overlooked them. Tough cookie!

[hotpotato]

I think if my ex had asked me back pretty much immediately, I would have tried to reconcile.

 

But after a few months? Nah, thats just them finding they have a void in their life/a bit of boredom setting in, and the grass aint greener. I'm not going to be anyones time filler. They would soon drop back into old habits and I'm a shocker for bearing a grudge. Forgive and forget really isn't in my nature if they have really hurt me.

 

They would have to - as someone once said here - really move a mountain.

 

I hear of childhood sweethearts re kindling their love 20 years on and I sort of see that- when you're young, you can want differnet things from life, and maybe are just in different places and come together later on.

 

With my last ex, I think I would have, too. I think most dumpers have a small window for reconciliation, but instead they wait months or years.

 

 

you know why I reckon most (not all) dumpers come back?? because the person they dumped or left you for or have seen since they dumped you... well that person DUMPED THEM and now they are faced with the shocking possibility of being ALONE.

 

and they dont want that so they remember that they dumped you and while you did not have all the qualities they wanted in a partner you had a few, and like an old blanket or teddy bear you are 'comfortable' and even though they know you are not 'the one' they think you will be happy to take them back and that it will be a nice distraction to spend a little bit of time with you, maybe give them an ego-boost by you telling them how great they are, and then as soon as someone 'better' comes along you will be dropped like yesterday's newspaper!

 

and they can even justify it in their minds as you being so in love with them that they are doing you some sort of 'favour' by spending a bit of time with you!

 

yes, this is extremely cynical and bitter... but this view comes from experience.

 

Yep! I had an ex who left me for a girl who STABBED him. That's right, put a knife in his neck. Of course, that fizzles, and he comes running back.

 

When we were together he told me I was disgusting and that he was tired of looking at my body, while I was pregnant with his child or right after no less. He was the one who gained weight,too. :lmao:Nevertheless, who did he run to when things with the new girl went south?

 

My thing is, they didn't care then, why do they all of a sudden care?

 

I don't know.

 

I guess he would have to move mountains for me, or have had a total personality change. I'd be kind of skeptical.

 

I'd be tempted to see if he understood what love truly was. I'd give him all of my journals so he could mull over exactly what happened while we were apart. I'd feel that it would be a tough decision to make, especially if I haven't had another lover in between that time.

 

I don't think it's going to happen though. And I feel grateful for it.

 

They would also have to move a mountain for me, and I'm mean like the stuff you see in the movies. One ex tried to send me little trinkets. Needless to say, it was very ineffectual.

[saltyfishhead666]

I would have considered taking an ex back but the timing never allowed for it. The long and short was that he was totally honest with me - he told me he thought he could easily find someone like me. But now he knew he was wrong. 5 years after he broke up with me, he was still emailing me and telling me he thought of me.

 

I do think that some people make genuine mistakes when they are young/inexperienced. Sometimes, people have to go through the process where they then realise what exactly about you is different and that the relationship was special.

 

Also, not every ex is an evil person. Just because you were hurt by the breakup doesn't make them terrible (unless they cheated or manipulated you). Think of times when you had to breakup with someone just because you weren't feeling the same anymore. It happens to the best of us. Sometimes you need to lose a person for a while in order to learn to value them more.

 

 

 

And sometimes you need to lose them for a while in order to see how mistreated you were and didn't notice because love blinded you

[No Limit]

No, I'd never take 'em back. Maybe with a gun pointed at my head when asked, but that's pretty much the only scenario I could imagine doing it.

[hotpotato]

You have had an interesting life. You have some real entertaining stories / adventures. LOL!

 

I really do!

[love1336x]

With my last ex, I think I would have, too. I think most dumpers have a small window for reconciliation, but instead they wait months or years.

 

 

 

 

Yep! I had an ex who left me for a girl who STABBED him. That's right, put a knife in his neck. Of course, that fizzles, and he comes running back.

 

When we were together he told me I was disgusting and that he was tired of looking at my body, while I was pregnant with his child or right after no less. He was the one who gained weight,too. :lmao:Nevertheless, who did he run to when things with the new girl went south?

 

My thing is, they didn't care then, why do they all of a sudden care?

 

 

 

They would also have to move a mountain for me, and I'm mean like the stuff you see in the movies. One ex tried to send me little trinkets. Needless to say, it was very ineffectual.

 

Yea, I had an ex who left me for a gold-digger, who wouldn't even kissed him or walk with him in public, and aborted his child at 20 weeks. Like she was showing n everything, but she wanting to hurt him badly, and he still was madly in love with her.

[loveandwar]

For me it really comes down to trust.

It is almost impossible to trust someone once they leave you.

Even if they beg and plead, as maybe the dumpee once did, what is to stop them from walking right out the door again when another issue arises.

Looking at my situation , the reason my breakup occurred was not really based on any major issues, just petty fights. But if you cannot work through petty fights, how can you trust that they will stay with you if something larger arises. I mean what about if you make a mistake with money, end up in debt, you get a life threatening illness. Is their love going to be unconditional? I wouldn't trust it would be. And for me that would be the reason i would say no to going back or taking them back.

 

There is a flip side to this, what happens if you maybe caused many of the issues regarding the break up, this is more a hypothetical than me speaking from experience here but what about if the dumpee had it coming, from that perspective i can see why they would consider a reconciliation with an ex, because they can fix their problems, or at least try.

 

If you were dumped, and you really didn't have much part to play in the cause, then you really have to question why the dumper is back. A few posts have speculated that maybe they found someone else, and realised you were so much better, but if someone grows tired of you once, will it happen again? if the relationship wasn't even that long in the grand scheme of things, then can you really assure yourself that this person will now consider you for the rest of their life, statistically speaking if they grew tired of you or the relationship once, and it was say within a 2-5 year period, and you maybe have 40-70 years left to live then do you trust it won't happen again over that large a timescale

 

I mean thats the rational side speaking, but love can be very irrational, and yes in the very begging you will probably run right back to them, but eventually the blinding love or affection does begin to fade, and rationale comes back into light, they say it takes around half the time you were with someone to get over them, id say by that point you can really look at things with a common sense , rational perspective. I am not really at that point yet. Its like i have two very different perspectives fighting each other in my head, on the one side i think the trust is gone, they gave up on you once, they said things they cannot take back, and if you were to reconcile of course there will be arguments again, and this will probably lead back to square one , a break up. Then there is the other side, saying but you never met someone before who you clicked with like this, that maybe this is worth a risk, that you don't look at anyone else the same, and your thoughts are always of this person even when you try and move on.

 

To try and answer the question "how could you ever take back someone who left you?" i end up with only opposing questions of "How could they have left you?" and "Why are they back now?" . What has changed and more importantly have the issues that were there once remained the same :/

[JFReyes]

Never say never. "Not likely" - sure, but not never. In my experience many people live for a long time, people & circumstances change, etc. No need to be the "stupid one" (y'all know what I mean) that went back on his/her word of honor. What then?

Edited April 30, 2014 by JFReyes