abrachia Posted April 29, 2014 Posted April 29, 2014 (edited) This is a bit much to type out but I will try. My boyfriend and I dated for five months straight and then after a date, he just decided to ignore my texts and questions to hang out. Its like I left his apartment and within seven hours he had lost all interest in me. A week later of dodgy text messages, he asks to come over and I let him but when he arrives he smells like pot and he has a pretty extensive history of drug usage. When asked about it, he lies and the next morning he admits to it. He says he didn't come over for sex, but he just really wanted to see me, but he tries to initiate sex several times. Then I explain how him ignoring me hurts me and he says that he just needed space but he couldn't articulate his needs. Then 2 more weeks of him dodging me and sporadically responding to my texts. Then suddenly he shows up again out of the blue to ask for money and he says that even though he didn't come for money, he asks for money and then leaves. Continues on to week 3. And then I break up with him. However, the next day I feel extreme guilt and I ask him if he wants me to stay. He says yes and we are back in the relationship. But nothing changes, sporadic messaging and ignoring attempts to hang out. Finally, I confront him about this and he says all this stuff about not being sure about commitment and relationships and I break it off again. He also said he would rather play video games and hang out with his friends. I went through a pretty harsh grieving process and had to explain that I can't be with someone who isn't sure about what he wants and that it isn't fair to ask me to sit around and wait for him to figure it out. He says some things that imply that we could possibly work things out but I say that I'm not sure. I went online to change my dating profile to say that I'm not interested and I see that not only is he online, but he's changed his profile as well. Granted it doesn't say he's looking for a relationship, but it doesn't match up. A couple days later he talks to me again, and after grieving and coming to terms with the fact that we are not meant to be together and that I don't want to rekindle any old flames, I want to be amicable and friendly with him. I don't him as a person, and I know that I could be setting myself up for failure, but just because I don't want to be in a relationship with him, doesn't mean I want to lose the 4 months that we were close. Am I wrong for doing this? Edited April 29, 2014 by abrachia
Trovador Posted April 29, 2014 Posted April 29, 2014 Why would you want to keep putting your hands in the fire? Not even if he was the paradigm of a gentleman, would be advisable to be friends with him; your wounds are still fresh and he would be pouring salt and lemon on them... and he is walking all over you...
Author abrachia Posted April 29, 2014 Author Posted April 29, 2014 I don't know. Like I don't want to be with him and there's no way that I could forgive him so I know that any future attempt at reconciliation would be pointless. But I don't feel the need to hate him. Or maybe I'm stupid. A lot of my friends were quick to tell me that I needed to rebound and then my mother said I should just forgive him and that maybe these things weren't that bad.
Caliguy30 Posted April 29, 2014 Posted April 29, 2014 I didn't even have to read the whole story. Sweetheart, I'm sorry, but he's using you. Don't put up with that treatment.
Trovador Posted April 29, 2014 Posted April 29, 2014 You don't need to hate someone to realize you don't want to be with that person; there are people who are toxic and distilled their venom silently and insidiously, they even feign love or friendship without the least remorse, all while taking advantage of us because... we let them, simply as that... In sum, friendship is sacred, that's why real friends are so far and between... 1
Author abrachia Posted April 29, 2014 Author Posted April 29, 2014 I gues, that at the end of the day, I feel like if I start NC and just ignore him than I am doing the same thing he did to me.
Summerrose2013 Posted April 29, 2014 Posted April 29, 2014 You met online, dated for 5 months, he treated you like crap and you want to be friends? You're deluding yourself - I should know, I've been there. You want more than friendship, and he sounds like he wouldn't make much of a friend anyway to be honest. The minute he meets another girl you;ll be ignored again. Go NC for 6 months, if you still wants to be friend then, come back here and give us an update and we'll reconvene. Good luck, we all feel your pain here <hug>
tdmnp Posted April 29, 2014 Posted April 29, 2014 I don't think there's anything here that makes pursuing a friendship worthwhile.
d0nnivain Posted April 29, 2014 Posted April 29, 2014 You aren't wrong but you are misguided. You are subconsciously hoping that a friendship will reignite the romance. I know you disavow that notion but that's what you want -- it jumps off your post. You can't be friends with an EX immediately post break up, especially when your grieving process was "harsh" to use your word after only 5 months of dating. You need space, time & distance.
Author abrachia Posted April 30, 2014 Author Posted April 30, 2014 I don't know. I definitely need to think about it. I don't message him first or initiate any contact or want to hang out. But if he texts me, I don't see why I shouldn't answer. I'm moving back home in December so there's no point in reigniting the flame. Even if I wanted to, I wouldn't see a point in it. I can't forgive him and I can't trust him so there's no way to rekindle that fire in the first place.
Recommended Posts