Davey L Posted April 30, 2014 Posted April 30, 2014 I am firmly convinced that a lot of wives who cheat never had any respect for their husband in the first place. They married him not for love or respect, but for what they could get out of the relationship. Or just settled. So from day one it was just a matter of time until the right opportunity arose and they go ahead and cheat--but it's not as if the wife suddenly "changed" in her attitude towards the husband. Of course they always try to justify their bad behavior by trying to blame it on the husband so they come up with their reasons. But, if you actually read these stories like what are posted here, a lot of these cheating wives are just totally conniving amoral women, the only problem is that the husband doesn't want to believe that's the person he married in the first place. They want to believe they married a princess but that somehow along the way she "changed." Nope. By the time a person gets married, their basic character is pretty much set in stone. If she cheats on you ten years into the marriage it's not because she "changed." It's because she thought she had you under her thumb at that point (mortgage, kids, too expensive to divorce) where there's nothing you could do about it. Read the stories. How often is that exact story been repeated in these threads? These women seem to cheat just because they think/know/believe there's nothing the husband can do about it. Hang, agree with most of that. But I think it is easy to lose respect over time - the saying "familiarity breeds contempt" and that's a lot of it I think. Hate the putting the blame on the husband/wife. So often the accusation the WS makes against the BS seems to have been a justification invented after the fact, rather than a reality. So the innocent husband/wife had some faults. Who hasn't? But the WS often likes to exaggerate these faults into major issues to justify their own behaviour. A husband that once got angry at something is called "abusive", for example.
Woggle Posted April 30, 2014 Posted April 30, 2014 Woggle, by having those trust issues would you say that you're a little less emotionally invested in your current marriage? Perhaps you may even be 99% invested, but that 1% of detachment due to trust issues, would that be love? (if you are indeed not 100% emotionally attached) I even more invested because I know I have a gem that is not easy to find. If I ever ruined this which I almost did there is not another one like her around the corner.
badkarma2013 Posted April 30, 2014 Posted April 30, 2014 Unfortunately unless you are already a total cynic about women at a young age--basically, a natural born player--I don't think most of us can pick it up before tying the knot. I mean you have to be through this mill, sometimes over and over again, before it finally starts to sink in. We all know that some random girl you date could cheat on you, but your wife???? That's not "supposed to" happen!! I mean who would pick a cheater out to get married to? We are all culturally brainwashed to think of women--at least the ones we are thinking of getting married to--as chaste princesses. Obviously they're not virgins, we know they have been around the block more or less sexually, but at least we hold the delusion that in some moral sense they are still "pure" i.e. they won't cheat on us. It's such a con job. The whole spectacle of the typical elaborate wedding ceremony is such a complete load of crap anyway. I don't think we should have parties to celebrate a man's clueless entry into legally sanctioned indentured servitude, but yet we do. If your wife cheated on you, it's because when you got married to her, she was already a cheater. You just didn't know it yet. That's the only logical conclusion that there is. She probably has a prior history of cheating on boyfriends or other questionable behavior that you will never find out about. There's another thread running right now with a young woman who cheated on her fiancee with some guy, promised never to contact the other guy again, but broke the promise, with no real reason and claiming she has no feelings for the other guy, and it's just a bunch of ridiculous rationalizations. That is the TYPICAL mentality of a cheating wife, and it is ALL LAID OUT RIGHT THERE IN THAT THREAD. Her fiancee is clouded by love and she has convinced him to give her yet ANOTHER chance so the poor sap probably will go through with the marriage. And it is almost guaranteed she WILL cheat on him in the future. She is TYPICAL, the woman who can easily betray the man's trust and just rationalize rationalize rationalize. Hang...my new Hero...Holy Crap...This really needed to be said. After 22 years my WW and her A with OM utterly left 2 families with little more than Scorched Earth...Her response went from I dont know, to he fulfilled a NEED I did not know I had...you became his W^&RE for a need.. I needed the truth ...Got more than I bargained for.
badkarma2013 Posted April 30, 2014 Posted April 30, 2014 ...again only 15-20% of BH ever R.....80-85% file for D
1michael Posted May 1, 2014 Posted May 1, 2014 Men only please, Men and Women are wired differently even though everyone's experience is different. I have been with my wife about 20 years and I knew just about when her affair started. We had just drifted so far apart we stopped talking and our marriage was in a horrible place. It wasn't till I actually caught her I lost my mind. Her affair partner was someone I thought was my friend. I confronted him over email and after some nasty exchanges I left it as "stay away or I am reporting you to your work and telling your wife". I later reported him and he is losing his job, career and maybe pension and retirement. I haven't told his wife because I still want to try and keep things quiet. I don't know how I can look my kids in the face and tell them what mommy did if they find out. How my guys out there are working it out with their wife's? My pride is destroyed and I feel like I need to do something to fix it. Lets just say I hope your luck was better than mine. After almost 5 years of marriage--the first year being when I caught her cheating--I've just learned she was cheating again with the same guy, since at least a year ago. Do me a favor. Use GPS tracking devices in her car, install key loggers on her computers and cell phone, and systematically review her cell phone bills and credit card bills. Don't attack her about every little thing, but watch your back. This woman could still be cheating on you.
fellini Posted May 1, 2014 Posted May 1, 2014 (edited) Hang...my new Hero...Holy Crap...This really needed to be said. ____________________________________________ Unfortunately unless you are already a total cynic about women at a young age--basically, a natural born player--I don't think most of us can pick it up before tying the knot. I mean you have to be through this mill, sometimes over and over again, before it finally starts to sink in. We all know that some random girl you date could cheat on you, but your wife???? That's not "supposed to" happen!! I mean who would pick a cheater out to get married to? We are all culturally brainwashed to think of women--at least the ones we are thinking of getting married to--as chaste princesses. Obviously they're not virgins, we know they have been around the block more or less sexually, but at least we hold the delusion that in some moral sense they are still "pure" i.e. they won't cheat on us. It's such a con job. The whole spectacle of the typical elaborate wedding ceremony is such a complete load of crap anyway. I don't think we should have parties to celebrate a man's clueless entry into legally sanctioned indentured servitude, but yet we do. If your wife cheated on you, it's because when you got married to her, she was already a cheater. You just didn't know it yet. That's the only logical conclusion that there is. She probably has a prior history of cheating on boyfriends or other questionable behavior that you will never find out about. There's another thread running right now with a young woman who cheated on her fiancee with some guy, promised never to contact the other guy again, but broke the promise, with no real reason and claiming she has no feelings for the other guy, and it's just a bunch of ridiculous rationalizations. That is the TYPICAL mentality of a cheating wife, and it is ALL LAID OUT RIGHT THERE IN THAT THREAD. WOW! You believe this stuff? This is borderline misogynist. Notice how the focus on the woman as EVE. The virgin. The princess. And then to say MEN are CONNED? Now there is some serious blame-shifting. If we think that about the women they date, then maybe MEN should accept responsibility for living in disney land. Your wife was ALREADY A CHEATER???? (Because she married you, then cheated, she was always going to cheat? This is utter nonsense.) This goes against what every person who has made a legitimate post about personal experience has ever said. One thing is describing your pain through experience. It is another thing altogether to post your general dismissal of the other sex that is not even remotely based in your experience but mere rantings on a biblical scale (pun intended). And where are the men's infidelity in this little infidelity scenario? Until recently MEN were by far and away the biggest offenders. Is that because they married a princess, discovered that they were conned, and then went looking in an affair for a real princess? Are women responsible for their affairs, because they are bad apples, and men have affairs because they marry bad apples? And that thread about the fiance? Get the facts straight. She kissed a long time friend who was also a close family friend ONCE, while she was a GF, and NOW is a fiance and 3 years later after agreeing to NC she telephoned her friend because his mother had just died. I wonder if the poster wouldn't mind only using women in his examples so we could ascertain if he really believes these things or is just a woman hater. Clueless men?, culturally brainwashed? Conned men? holding delusions? chaste princesses, ridiculous rationalizations, typical mentality of cheating wife... Give me a break. If that what you think is going on in men's heads and lives, you are in need of some serious adjustment. I seriously can't wait to hear your monologue on men's infidelity. It should be rather entertaining. Edited May 1, 2014 by fellini 1
badkarma2013 Posted May 1, 2014 Posted May 1, 2014 I agree on any scale Mens choices re Infidelity are Off the charts as well as their excuses . However .I will speak for myself....That article holds some value as I TRULY believed Your wife may have an A...BUT NOT MINE... Many of us made a huge mistake of putting our wives on a Pedestal and never believing otherwise....Manyof us! Those of us who did so...Paid a Heavy Price. Married Men do cheat also at a alarming rate...But every women they cheat with is NOT SINGLE.
Ap22 Posted May 1, 2014 Posted May 1, 2014 I'm at the 6 month mark since dday. Things are going pretty well, all things considered....."All things considered"....that term now goes behind every statement i make about my well being. My WW is doing everything to make it up to me. Our relationship is actually so much better today than it has been in a while. Still, it will never be the same. I will never be the same. No matter how "better" our relationship is now, it will always be better "all things considered". I'm not the same man or husband I was prior to dday. I have zero tolerance for any actions she does that I dont like. Life is lived on my terms. If she doesnt like it, she can walk. I will not, and do not, put up with any crap from her, although these days she gives me very little.
Owl Posted May 1, 2014 Posted May 1, 2014 ...again only 15-20% of BH ever R.....80-85% file for D I may have missed it...what is the source of this stat?
Owl Posted May 1, 2014 Posted May 1, 2014 Yet another reason why people should not reconcile... BS will not be happy because they will always look back and remember what has happened and hold it against the WS. To complete this the WS won't be happy either because they have now to be the doormat and take anything from the BS because they have cheated... This is just a ticking bomb... As someone who has reconciled...this is simply not true in all cases. It certainly is not the same in mine. Divorce is the right option in many cases...but not all cases.
fellini Posted May 1, 2014 Posted May 1, 2014 I may have missed it...what is the source of this stat? Here is a stat to cover that previous stat: 80% of those who divorce during an affair regret the decision.
fellini Posted May 1, 2014 Posted May 1, 2014 Yet another reason why people should not reconcile... BS will not be happy because they will always look back and remember what has happened and hold it against the WS. To complete this the WS won't be happy either because they have now to be the doormat and take anything from the BS because they have cheated... This is just a ticking bomb... People who refuse to move on from anything life throws at them will not find happiness either. You don't find happiness, it's not out there, it's what you do with yourself. If everything that could go wrong for us was seen as just a ticking bomb we would all hide in our houses and dig tunnels in the hopes that hurricanes wont get us. We cannot live our lives striving for some abstract notion of true happiness. If you genuinely love someone, and can move past their errors, then you will love that person again. Or you could walk every time someone does something to hurt you. I recommend a trip to Footlocker to purchase a large supply of shoes, because you are going to be doing a lot of walking. And each and every time you walk, you are leaving behind a person who got just that much wiser and better for the next guy who comes into the picture. 3
badkarma2013 Posted May 1, 2014 Posted May 1, 2014 As someone who has reconciled...this is simply not true in all cases. It certainly is not the same in mine. Divorce is the right option in many cases...but not all cases. To Owl and Fellini WE WILL NEVER AGREE ....However it does Not mean i do not Respect your views and hold them with High Regard. Honestly...From my own experiance...with my WW ..i just cannot phantom why anyone would want to live the anguish that ...as i have stated ...when the truth and details come out after D_DAy ...IT NEVER LEAVES THE BS.... Many people on this site and others have been in R for Years ...triggering and in living in doubt about themselves and their WS For Years...i only ask WHY...Ive have already been thru HELL why in Gods name would i want to continue living in it...R can and does happen but not much..that ive have seen. 1
badkarma2013 Posted May 1, 2014 Posted May 1, 2014 I tried to research this topic to give a scientifically sound number. And I think that the answer depends upon who you ask. I have seen claims indicating that anywhere from 10 percent to 25 percent of married people who saved their marriage after an affair considered themselves to be happily married later. From Katie Lersch ...Written and answered over 900 articles on Infidelity. Thats one source..Thanks BH HIGHER RATE OF D 1
Fluttershy Posted May 1, 2014 Posted May 1, 2014 Here is a stat. 96% of stats are made up on the spot. Stats are a generalization that can help at times but often hinder. The sources are skewed and they are not truth but relative. One thing I don't understand is if you are secure in the knowledge that divorce was right for you and R not an option... Why is is so hard to believe one size shoe does not fit all? That it isn't even that rare for men to forgive infidility and be truly happy again. Women aren't the only ones capable of forgiveness and grace. As someone who was cheated on with a full blown PA with elements of an EA as is to be expected when it is an affair with a "friend" I get pain and disappointment and being betrayed. Ifeel for people who have been freshly betrayed. But when a person talks about kicking the person out regardless of the situation as a way to save face I hope it is just a cover up for the real hurt. Because that sort of pride helps no one. And it does make me question how muh they loved their WS and how committed they themselves are to the marriage. I think if someone truly loves their WS they will want to forgive them an give them a second chance. Of course it isn't always something that should be done. I see a lot of posters who you can tell ending the marriage is the right descision but agony to them. And then others whose views come accross as people who view their ws as damaged property. Their pride seems to be more broken than their heart. And I hope that really it is just a cover up because they don't want to face the real pain. Of course then I remember there are a lot of arrogent jerks in the world. And sometimes they get cheated on too! This is entirely my opinion and is only taken from continuous postings of posters on all sites of both genders. I realize that bitterness can make people seem cold and who a person is irl is not necessarily who the portray on the net. 3
badkarma2013 Posted May 1, 2014 Posted May 1, 2014 Here is a stat. 96% of stats are made up on the spot. Stats are a generalization that can help at times but often hinder. The sources are skewed and they are not truth but relative. One thing I don't understand is if you are secure in the knowledge that divorce was right for you and R not an option... Why is is so hard to believe one size shoe does not fit all? That it isn't even that rare for men to forgive infidility and be truly happy again. Women aren't the only ones capable of forgiveness and grace. As someone who was cheated on with a full blown PA with elements of an EA as is to be expected when it is an affair with a "friend" I get pain and disappointment and being betrayed. Ifeel for people who have been freshly betrayed. But when a person talks about kicking the person out regardless of the situation as a way to save face I hope it is just a cover up for the real hurt. Because that sort of pride helps no one. And it does make me question how muh they loved their WS and how committed they themselves are to the marriage. I think if someone truly loves their WS they will want to forgive them an give them a second chance. Of course it isn't always something that should be done. I see a lot of posters who you can tell ending the marriage is the right descision but agony to them. And then others whose views come accross as people who view their ws as damaged property. Their pride seems to be more broken than their heart. And I hope that really it is just a cover up because they don't want to face the real pain. Of course then I remember there are a lot of arrogent jerks in the world. And sometimes they get cheated on too! This is entirely my opinion and is only taken from continuous postings of posters on all sites of both genders. I realize that bitterness can make people seem cold and who a person is irl is not necessarily who the portray on the net. I did horrific damage to OM when i outed him to his BW...I threated a lawsuit against the company they worked for...they Both lost their jobs....His BW financially destroyed him in his D. NONE OF THIS MATTERED...when the OM can to my office and showed me pictures of my ExW doing sexual acts she said were Disgusting to her for 22 years and worse..... The images still dance in my head to this day. I REALIZED WHAT SHE HAD BECOME AND HAD DONE...THERE WAS NO COMING BACK. I filed for D after doing the HARD 180 and find out all of the TRUTH i could STOMACH! I have NO Problem with R...I have just not seen MANY SUCESSFUL CASES...
nightmare01 Posted May 1, 2014 Posted May 1, 2014 One thing I don't understand is if you are secure in the knowledge that divorce was right for you and R not an option... Why is is so hard to believe one size shoe does not fit all? That it isn't even that rare for men to forgive infidility and be truly happy again. Women aren't the only ones capable of forgiveness and grace. I have thought at times that divorce should be mandatory in the case of affairs. NOT as a matter of pride but instead as a way of illustrating that the WS must work to win back their BS. Sort of a way to force the matter and get the WS to do the work. No matter the sex of the BS, infidelity is a very hard thing to get over. And WS are sort of ignorant on what it will take to win back their BS. Allot seem to just want to "not do that again", and "be nice to their BS" and think that will be enough to put their affair in the past and move on. But it takes allot more than that and sadly allot of WS dont want to do the work. Circumstances differ from BS to BS. Age, kids, finances, all these and more can be drivers on what direction reconciliation takes. There is no one size fits all solution. And no one is wrong for taking the path they choose. 1
nightmare01 Posted May 1, 2014 Posted May 1, 2014 NONE OF THIS MATTERED...when the OM can to my office and showed me pictures of my ExW doing sexual acts she said were Disgusting to her for 22 years and worse..... The images still dance in my head to this day. I REALIZED WHAT SHE HAD BECOME AND HAD DONE...THERE WAS NO COMING BACK. I filed for D after doing the HARD 180 and find out all of the TRUTH i could STOMACH! I have NO Problem with R...I have just not seen MANY SUCESSFUL CASES... I think that there are some things that we just can not get over. I agree. Catching our WS in bed with the OP. Explicit pictures. Getting the kids involved with the OP. Allot more. But what those deal breakers are vary from BS to BS. Ive talked with other BH about their WWs doing sex acts with their OM. Some actually are ok with it because now their WWs will do these things with them. So what would be a deal breaker for some is not for others. 1
badkarma2013 Posted May 1, 2014 Posted May 1, 2014 I think that there are some things that we just can not get over. I agree. Catching our WS in bed with the OP. Explicit pictures. Getting the kids involved with the OP. Allot more. But what those deal breakers are vary from BS to BS. Ive talked with other BH about their WWs doing sex acts with their OM. Some actually are ok with it because now their WWs will do these things with them. So what would be a deal breaker for some is not for others. I could not agree MORE...However to blindly forgive WS for such horrific damage they have caused is cause for alarm...i would tend to believe this is what got many in that situation to began with... My honest assessment if my WW would peform certain sexual acts in an A with OM...and tell her BH that these things were gross and disgusting for over 22years ...i dont want or NEED her to do anything for me. 1
Fluttershy Posted May 1, 2014 Posted May 1, 2014 I did horrific damage to OM when i outed him to his BW...I threated a lawsuit against the company they worked for...they Both lost their jobs....His BW financially destroyed him in his D. NONE OF THIS MATTERED...when the OM can to my office and showed me pictures of my ExW doing sexual acts she said were Disgusting to her for 22 years and worse..... The images still dance in my head to this day. I REALIZED WHAT SHE HAD BECOME AND HAD DONE...THERE WAS NO COMING BACK. I filed for D after doing the HARD 180 and find out all of the TRUTH i could STOMACH! I have NO Problem with R...I have just not seen MANY SUCESSFUL CASES... I have read your story already. For you even if you deny it, it appears it was the particular situation you found you could not reconcile with. But now you must understand your viewpoint is tainted by that as mine is by my own success. I have seen a lot of infidility and read a lot. And i have seen many success stories of R. Btw success stories aren't rugsweeping but proper remorse and true forgiveness. I have also seen many stories that involve the BS having their own happiness when they have divorced. And ones where the WS has found happiness divorced. But I have seen unhappy bitter divorced and undivorced BS and unrepentive WS who are seriel cheaters. Or truly repentive WS who have never been given a second chance. Stories take so many different directions. And my happy reconciliation is not negated by your divorce. And your divorce is not the wrong choice simply because I and many others have fully reconciled. You don't have to be a pessimist about all outcomes of infidelity in order to validate your own. 1
road Posted May 1, 2014 Posted May 1, 2014 Our last dday was in April of 2012, it was the last of three DDays with OM1. OM was a friend, we would go play pool here and there, go hang out and get a few drinks, I was friends with all of his friends, or so I thought. He dropped out of college with one semester left, didn't have a job and lived with his grandmother. OM2 is a police officer, it was through him that we met OM1, because they were really good friends. As far as I know, my wife and OM2 only "sexted", and i still struggle with believing this daily, neither one would admit to anything more, but I know that they did spend time together alone. I'm haunted everyday still, but I try to improve myself by working out and I'm back in college (earning really good grades I may add). Just focus on yourself a bit, you do have to work on your marriage too, but focusing too much on the marriage is a bad precedent for both of you to fall into. You both need to learn to make yourselves happy, a marriage is a team effort, and it takes strong happy people to make any team work. Polygraph time.
badkarma2013 Posted May 1, 2014 Posted May 1, 2014 I have read your story already. For you even if you deny it, it appears it was the particular situation you found you could not reconcile with. But now you must understand your viewpoint is tainted by that as mine is by my own success. I have seen a lot of infidility and read a lot. And i have seen many success stories of R. Btw success stories aren't rugsweeping but proper remorse and true forgiveness. I have also seen many stories that involve the BS having their own happiness when they have divorced. And ones where the WS has found happiness divorced. But I have seen unhappy bitter divorced and undivorced BS and unrepentive WS who are seriel cheaters. Or truly repentive WS who have never been given a second chance. Stories take so many different directions. And my happy reconciliation is not negated by your divorce. And your divorce is not the wrong choice simply because I and many others have fully reconciled. You don't have to be a pessimist about all outcomes of infidelity in order to validate your own. I have Never said im against R...in fact im in AWE of those that can..I will say again in much reasearch and study i find the percentage is very low for those who truly R. I AM NOW A HAPPY BS WHO IS D AND found someone who. i believe truly un derstands.
BHsigh Posted May 1, 2014 Posted May 1, 2014 Polygraph time. I read that suggestion a lot, but I know how unreliable a polygraph truly is, but actually that doesn't matter, my wife used to work in a psyc field and she knows how reliable they are and how easily they can be tricked. Just that belief in itself can throw off the results, if you're not nervous or afraid of your lies being picked up, it will throw off the machine, and excess nervousness can be picked up as guilt, even when telling the truth. Not to mention that she has always had this belief, so any refusal to take one will not look bad, as she had always mistrusted the polygraph. So yeah, I'm pretty much stuck.
road Posted May 1, 2014 Posted May 1, 2014 Men only please, Men and Women are wired differently even though everyone's experience is different. I have been with my wife about 20 years and I knew just about when her affair started. We had just drifted so far apart we stopped talking and our marriage was in a horrible place. It wasn't till I actually caught her I lost my mind. Her affair partner was someone I thought was my friend. I confronted him over email and after some nasty exchanges I left it as "stay away or I am reporting you to your work and telling your wife". I later reported him and he is losing his job, career and maybe pension and retirement. I haven't told his wife because I still want to try and keep things quiet. I don't know how I can look my kids in the face and tell them what mommy did if they find out. How my guys out there are working it out with their wife's? My pride is destroyed and I feel like I need to do something to fix it. So you are a BH so what do you want to do with your marriage now?
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