Men that survived their wives affair

[cocahouts]

Men only please, Men and Women are wired differently even though everyone's experience is different.

 

I have been with my wife about 20 years and I knew just about when her affair started. We had just drifted so far apart we stopped talking and our marriage was in a horrible place. It wasn't till I actually caught her I lost my mind.

 

Her affair partner was someone I thought was my friend. I confronted him over email and after some nasty exchanges I left it as "stay away or I am reporting you to your work and telling your wife". I later reported him and he is losing his job, career and maybe pension and retirement. I haven't told his wife because I still want to try and keep things quiet. I don't know how I can look my kids in the face and tell them what mommy did if they find out.

 

How my guys out there are working it out with their wife's? My pride is destroyed and I feel like I need to do something to fix it.

[dichotomy]

Why did OM loose his job over affair?

 

How has your wife behaved towards you since Dday? What has she told you? Counseling?

 

Self admittedly your marriage was crap for a while - what is being done about this separate from the affair reconciliation?

 

And could you specifically let us know whats on your emotions and mind - what is causing you the most pain or discomfort? For some guys it is different things...and our WW's affairs can be different.

 

Pride = self esteem?

[Davey L]

My experience - still with my wife many years on. Very happy with marriage on the whole.

 

 

But, the relationship was never the same as it was before. It's been OK, and very good at times. But something was damaged.

 

 

I also had an affair, after hers. It was not intended as a revenge. However, I wish I hadn't, it in no way evens things up or anything like that, all it did was damage things further.

 

 

You haven't given many details, like when did the affair end, how she is behaving now, if she is sorry, if she is confessing all, etc.

[Sub]

I am also with my W going on 20 years, married for 12. D-Day was August, 2011. Things are great right now. Can you explain more about how you feel your pride has been destroyed?

[BHsigh]

Our last dday was in April of 2012, it was the last of three DDays with OM1. OM was a friend, we would go play pool here and there, go hang out and get a few drinks, I was friends with all of his friends, or so I thought. He dropped out of college with one semester left, didn't have a job and lived with his grandmother.

 

OM2 is a police officer, it was through him that we met OM1, because they were really good friends. As far as I know, my wife and OM2 only "sexted", and i still struggle with believing this daily, neither one would admit to anything more, but I know that they did spend time together alone.

 

I'm haunted everyday still, but I try to improve myself by working out and I'm back in college (earning really good grades I may add).

 

Just focus on yourself a bit, you do have to work on your marriage too, but focusing too much on the marriage is a bad precedent for both of you to fall into. You both need to learn to make yourselves happy, a marriage is a team effort, and it takes strong happy people to make any team work.

[cocahouts]

Didn't want to post to many details, but the positions that we are in require a large amount of integrity. I caught my wife and this person I thought was a friend. I held back for about a month after talking with a lawyer so I could gather enough evidence for adultery. After I couldn't stand it anymore and collected enough evidence to prove my case I confronted my wife. She broke down and told me everything and from what I already knew it didn't sound or feel like she was lying to me. She wasn't aware of my spying so she didn't have much of a chance to make things up.

 

I reported my Friend and soon after found out he made up a whole bunch of stories to try and cover his ass. With the evidence that I had provided he dug his hole deeper and deeper, he helped screw himself from what I understand.

 

We are seeking therapy and it's helped. We are still together but I can't get it out of my mind that she spent emotional time with this other man. It's putting me further into depression that I am already on meds for. I have my good and bad days, more good but every now and then I get triggered and it hurts. It's been about 8 months.

 

I've read all the articles about how and why affairs happen and I feel into a text book situation. This other guy was old, fat, ugly, etc. This is why my pride is shot.

 

I am just looking to see if some others (Men) have gotten over this. Or what they did to help rebuild their pride.

[nightmare01]

Being betrayed is a huge kick in the nuts. Another man TOOK my wife from me. He had sex in our bed and in other places around our house and in our cars. He met our kids. WW invited OM to do all that.

 

What we have been subjected to is extremely humiliating. I try to tell myself that what WW and OM did does not reflect on me, but on their lack of integrity and morals instead. Some days I can actually almost believe that. Living as a BH is hard, thats about all I can say.

 

Dday for me was 13 years ago and me and WW are still together. Our situation is far from reconciled. But we get along ok. We enjoy doing things together and my life is mostly good. But there is a feeling of hollowness inside.

 

We didnt deserve what happened to us. For the most part we were good people. Far from perfect but still not deserving of being betrayed.

 

Pride in your self will come back eventually because you did nothing wrong. For me pride in my wife, my marriage, and my decision to stay in the marriage have not returned. Everyday is just a struggle to cope with what happened.

[dichotomy]

With your evidence and apparent honest confession by your wife - you are in the best position to understand her motivations and what she was seeking from OM. I think perhaps this is key - identifying her weakness rather than your own shortcomings.

 

I think often men (and women too) compare themselves physically and other wise to OM/OW trying to understand why they did not measure up and WS choose the AP over them. Its not always that easy.... as you say in your case - OM was not physically better than you. It is not uncommon for OM or OW to be less attractive than BH/BW.

 

You need to separate your own self worth and pride for yourself from your wife - or your perceived view of her perspective.

 

I think you can find healthy ways to channel any pride or self esteem issues into ways to improve yourself for yourself. This could be things like taking control of your marriage with strong boundaries, and helping your wife grow, it could be working out more, reading, find additional activities or connections outside of your wife and home (independence through hobbies, clubs, groups)...and more.

 

The question for you - and not just your wife - is do you think you have value as a man, sexual being, and attractive as partner?

Edited April 29, 2014 by dichotomy

[bubbaganoosh]

I am a hard liner on infidelity in a marriage. Got burned real bad and will not let it happen again. Some guys/women can get past it and I tip my hat to you for your courage and patience.

 

The one thing I will not do is always live under a cloud of doubt and have those questions going through my mind 24/7. Is she were she says she is? Is she doing what she say's she's doing? Is she with who she says she's with?

 

To me that isn't a life. When I have to live a life like that and always look over my shoulder, then I know there has to be something better even if it's not with her.

[Clay]

I survived by kicking her out and filing for divorce.

 

You have to figure out what works for you but I wont be with someone that is a cheater. Once they show they can do it once you can guarantee it will happen again and if you chose to stay it will be on you this time.

 

I stayed with a serial cheater and I really only have myself to blame in the end for staying.

 

I personally don't recommend anyone staying with a cheater. Life is to short to invest in someone that is screwed up enough not to care about you.

 

Clay

[Sub]

I have my good and bad days, more good but every now and then I get triggered and it hurts. It's been about 8 months.

I'm two-and-a-half years out, and up until recently was triggering with some frequency. Best thing I did was talk to my WW about it when it happened. And make new memories with her.

 

Or what they did to help rebuild their pride.

I kind of re-defined it. I focused more on my son. Kind of had a "f*** it" attitude as it pertained to my W for a time. I gave in to the fact that even though she was my wife, she wasn't my property and I couldn't control her.

It's hard to put into words, but I just became more responsible for my own happiness. It's odd, because all I wanted was for my WW to love me and want me after D-Day. But after a while, I realized how she felt about me didn't matter as much as how I felt about myself.

[RightThere]

It's tough. Just about every day I have thoughts of ending it, but in the same day I know how good my wife and I are together.

 

About 8 months past D-Day, but only really 2 months into real reconciliation. And I am definitely not following the standard playbook on it.

 

Although I'm sure it's different for everyone, reconciliation I've found is much harder than separating. It's a balance of juggling my emotions from the betrayal and lies to trying to limit how much I'm going to allow myself to live in the past.

 

As for finding your own confidence again, that is something you cannot expect being with your wife to provide. I think elements of the 180 approach are great for rebuilding yourself and your self esteem. However you cannot use it too much during reconciliation because it will isolate your wife.

 

So basically I have no good answers on it. Everyone has different ways of dealing with it, but I agree with the above posters that no matter how far along you get in reconciliation, there will always be a stain on the relationship.

[dragon_fly_7]

As a woman, I feel like a different breed if I ever got cheated because if it's a PA, there is no way I would get rid of images forming in my mind about him in those dirty sheets with the OW and keep wondering if she was younger than me, more attracted perhaps, etc.

 

All that would still make no excuse at all. I'd rather have him telling me straight in my face ''You know what dragon_fly 7, I like another woman that's more attractive and younger than you, I want to sleep with her and break up with you ok''. Sure it would hurt but at least not the same pain as those people that pretend things are ok in the relationship or marriage but can go behind your back and lie in your face until you pressured them into confessing. People don't just magically take off their clothes and share their full bodies just like that.:sick:

 

If the cheating were to involve just kissing (the least type of physical cheating, esp a drunken one-time kiss) or just an EA, I think that might be consider worth working it out depending on the circumstances but it can't be more than that. I wouldn't be able to handle a full-blown affair.

 

Sorry if I was too graphic. That's the way I would react as a woman. I don't care too much about the writting on a chatroom and telling a woman ''I like you'' but never meeting her in person deal than actually meeting her in real life and sleeping with her. The first I might let it slide as ''You're being disrespectful and just letting you know, do that again and it's over'' serious discussion but the later is an ''Get out of my life'' deal-breaker.

 

Kudos to all those men and women that still chose to work it out, are doing better in their LTR or marriage, are able to sleep in peace whenever their WS have to go to work or aren't at home and overlook all those triggers/mind movies.

Edited April 29, 2014 by dragon_fly_7

[RightThere]

I've read all the articles about how and why affairs happen and I feel into a text book situation. This other guy was old, fat, ugly, etc. This is why my pride is shot.

 

I am just looking to see if some others (Men) have gotten over this. Or what they did to help rebuild their pride.

 

Along with probably feeling "textbook" you need to know that most women cheat down (and often WAAAAY down) in comparison to their spouse.

 

I consider it to be an ego thing. They needed to find someone they knew they were better than. And that other person was (for lack of a better word) such a huge loser, that they invested all their time and energy into your wife. They knew they were with someone way out of their league. And your wife felt like she was being give constant affection and attention to fuel her ego.

 

I know in my past before marriage, I was with women who I felt "superior" to and I knew I could treat them a little more poorly and they would keep coming back. Good for your own ego. Affairs seems to amplify that as the WW is already in a bad spot mentally and needing that attention. They just seek out someone who will give them huge surpluses of it.

[Owl]

I think Dichotomy nailed it in his previous post.

 

First off...the vast, vast majority of men 'survive' an affair. It doesn't kill off too many of us.

 

Second...it was your wife's affair...not your shortcoming/fault/etc... It's a reflection of your wife, your wife's choices and actions, and potentially a reflection of her personality as well. It's NOT a reflection of you, your worth, or anything to do with you. Keeping that in mind will help you regain that lost self-worth.

 

Third...if you choose to reconcile, then SHE needs to do the work to rebuild trust, to repair the damage she's done, and to reassure you that she's learned and the risks of it happening again are low. If she's unwilling/unable to do so...do NOT try to reconcile.

 

Fourth...its going to take time...years...for your marriage to recover. Not just time, but hard work on both sides as well.

 

My marriage reconciled. We had an excellent foundation to rebuild from, my wife 'got it' rather quickly and was willing to make the changes needed for us to recover. Not all marriages do, and either outcome is absolutely fine and acceptable and no way a reflection on your self-worth.

 

Do what feels right to you.

[fellini]

Second...it was your wife's affair...not your shortcoming/fault/etc... It's a reflection of your wife, your wife's choices and actions, and potentially a reflection of her personality as well. It's NOT a reflection of you, your worth, or anything to do with you. Keeping that in mind will help you regain that lost self-worth.

 

Sure, up to a point, it's not about me, but this is something I know I felt for a very very long time post DDAy (posted in another thread, but it's very relevant here). It's from an article on Infidelity Survivors, written by Esther Perel...

 

Michael alternated between panic and rage, between begging her to stay and chasing her away. “I couldn’t believe she was ready to jeopardize everything for this guy Eric and I felt trapped because I suspected that her reasons to stay didn’t have much to do with me. It was more about what we had than who I was.”

 

I'd say that's a BIG REFLECTION on ME, or more to the point, A HUGE NON-REFLECTION ON ME AS A PERSON.

 

Today I still wonder, did she really just want to be with that other man, but not give up what we HAD. And now that he is out of the picture, I am the line in the Crosby, Stills, Nash song: "If you can't be with the one you love, honey, love the one you're with"

Edited April 30, 2014 by fellini
wrong acroynm

[fellini]

Perel (who seems to have re-entered my mind today writ large) wrote this very interesting article about post infidelity couples who chose to stay on and work through it.

 

She has commented on three general approaches:

 

• Living in the past
  

• Survivors
  

• Explorers
  

 

She develops the kind of marriages these people live with as a result of their approach to the infidelity after many years. Some good material here for BS's / WS's trying to guarantee a future of happiness post A.

 

http://www.estherperel.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/01/after_the_storm_perel.pdf

Edited April 30, 2014 by fellini

[BHsigh]

Sure, up to a point, it's not about me, but this is something I know I felt for a very very long time post DDAy (posted in another thread, but it's very relevant here). It's from an article on Infidelity Survivors, written by Esther Perel...

Michael alternated between panic and rage, between begging her to stay and chasing her away. “I couldn’t believe she was ready to jeopardize everything for this guy Eric and I felt trapped because I suspected that her reasons to stay didn’t have much to do with me. It was more about what we had than who I was.”

I'd say that's a BIG REFLECTION on ME, or more to the point, A HUGE NON-REFLECTION ON ME AS A PERSON.

 

Today I still wonder, did she really just want to be with that other man, but not give up what we HAD. And now that he is out of the picture, I am the line in the Crosby, Stills, Nash song: "If you can't be with the one you love, honey, love the one you're with"

 

Exactly how I feel as well.

[2.50 a gallon]

After being together for over 2 and a half years, the Ex finally got her college degree, so I agreed to marry her. At the same time she got a career job offer and we moved a thousand miles from our home town and started her new job.

 

 

She was young and very sexy, in fact was fold out material. Immediately after the honeymoon, our marriage went south. In her new job she was the first woman in her field, so immediately drew attention of male co-worker, so I found myself facing an army of OM's, most of whom were married. There was nothing I could to or say, that one of them could not find a way to put a negative spin on it.

 

 

We fought a lot. I then caught her kissing a guard at her place of work and very loudly called her every name in the book and told her it was unsafe for her to come home and she moved in with the OM

 

 

A week later she picked up her things.

 

 

A month later I began my come back by using the evidence that I had I began banging some of the OM's wives. and breaking up their marriages.

 

 

The minute she found out that I had had sex with another woman, my Ex got jealous and decided she wanted me back. I told her it was over. We had no kids so I just walked away. She finally filed about 3 years later, but I did not find out for a good decade.

 

 

For the next 15 years had a great sex life, easily dated over a hundred women. Then met and fell in love with the right one and have been with her now for over 18 years.

[BHsigh]

Owl, I am not pretending to minimize what you have gone through but for most of us the affair of our wife was EA + PA. I think I could also move on and forgive an EA because emotions change daily and you can be angry today and not angry anymore tomorrow, it happens with other emotions too. But the physical act is something that most of us (men) who are visual animals have a bigger problem with. I could live with the idea that my wife for a while didn't love me and decide to give that feeling to someone else (I know, it sounds crazy) but I could not live with the images of my wife doing all those things (that maybe she even didn't do...) with the OM. That was the limit for me. I just could not look at her in the same way anymore. I can honestly say that every time I would look to her I would get the image of her doing it with the OM. That is something that can't be undone!

 

Exactly, the physical parts are what still haunts me to this day, two years later, I doubt that it will ever go away.

 

I can deal with it if she falls out of love and comes back, from everything that I've ever read, that is fairly normal in marriage and relationships in general.

 

You can fall in and out of love, but once you have sex with someone, that's forever, that can never be taken back.

[Owl]

Owl, I am not pretending to minimize what you have gone through but for most of us the affair of our wife was EA + PA. I think I could also move on and forgive an EA because emotions change daily and you can be angry today and not angry anymore tomorrow, it happens with other emotions too. But the physical act is something that most of us (men) who are visual animals have a bigger problem with. I could live with the idea that my wife for a while didn't love me and decide to give that feeling to someone else (I know, it sounds crazy) but I could not live with the images of my wife doing all those things (that maybe she even didn't do...) with the OM. That was the limit for me. I just could not look at her in the same way anymore. I can honestly say that every time I would look to her I would get the image of her doing it with the OM. That is something that can't be undone!

 

Your only options, regardless, are to find a way to deal with the situation emotionally and remain married, not deal with the situation and remain married, or get divorced.

 

I in no way disagree with what you say...but I don't see how that changes or affects in any way the advice I gave above.

 

How does this change that?

[Woggle]

I caught her in bed with another man so I divorced her and never looked back. I have too much self respect to put up with that crap. I am now married to a much better woman. The only thing I am not happy about is I have some trust issues with women because of the ordeal.

[badkarma2013]

Originally Posted by funny View Post

Honestly after an affair you have two persons, one in victim mode and the other one in guilt mode (if the WS is not in guilt mode then can be in entitlement mode which is even worse). It will never work again, you can fake a relationship your whole life but you know that the main ingredients of a loving relationship are not there anymore - beginning by trust and ending by respect-

Many people try to reconcile for many reasons, they are afraid of change, they have children, economical reasons, they still love the idea of the person they were in a relationship with before the affair but none of them are really a valid reason because a BS is settling with someone they don't trust and whom then now realize they don't know and the WS is settling with someone who does not trust them and in many ways will be lashing out to them for a very long time (if not for ever).

The best option after an affair is divorce, it is the ultimate consequence of an affair and it is the only way a BS is not validating the affair (please note that I do not use the word condoning but the word validating because you do not need to think something is right to validate it with your attitude to it)

 

Could not agree more...again some case of R work for some people...however the LIES ,DECEIT and DEPTHS OF BETRAYL that come to light after D-DAY and the upcoming weeks and months ( If the WS is honest) ....WILL NEVER LEAVE THE BS....EVER..

 

Ive spoken to a couple on another site...who the wife confessed an ongoing affair to her husband over 25years ago...at that time they...he decide to R....HE STILL AFTER 25 YEARS DEALING WITH ISSUES FROM THIS EVENT.......25 YEARS , GRANTED NOT AS SEVERE BUT THERE NONE THE LESS.

 

WHY?

[RightThere]

Exactly, the physical parts are what still haunts me to this day, two years later, I doubt that it will ever go away.

 

I can deal with it if she falls out of love and comes back, from everything that I've ever read, that is fairly normal in marriage and relationships in general.

 

You can fall in and out of love, but once you have sex with someone, that's forever, that can never be taken back.

 

It's odd because for most women, it is the complete opposite. They can deal much better with the physical part of it.

 

The emotional part of it is much more difficult to get over.

 

For guys (myself included) they physical is where I feel the "line was crossed" even though if I sit back and think about it, the emotional is much worse from a connection standpoint.

[Davey L]

Owl, I am not pretending to minimize what you have gone through but for most of us the affair of our wife was EA + PA. I think I could also move on and forgive an EA because emotions change daily and you can be angry today and not angry anymore tomorrow, it happens with other emotions too. But the physical act is something that most of us (men) who are visual animals have a bigger problem with. I could live with the idea that my wife for a while didn't love me and decide to give that feeling to someone else (I know, it sounds crazy) but I could not live with the images of my wife doing all those things (that maybe she even didn't do...) with the OM. That was the limit for me. I just could not look at her in the same way anymore. I can honestly say that every time I would look to her I would get the image of her doing it with the OM. That is something that can't be undone!

 

 

I strongly disagree. I feel that the sex is the symptom, not the disease. The problem is that one's wife has lost respect for her husband and prefers to be with another man, to share her concerns and feelings with another man and so on. The sex is simply the obvious and unignorable sign that things have reached a certain point. It marks the point where things have got that bad, even if you didn't realise it before.

 

 

It would be easier for me to forgive a relatively casual sexual encounter than an ongoing and deep emotional relationship.

 

 

From what I have read here this is a more common attitude amongst betrayed women. But I give it, because I am a BH and want to balance the comments about the PA being the big deal issue not the EA for BH's.