bw57570 Posted April 29, 2014 Posted April 29, 2014 First off, thank you to anyone who bothers reading this. Thanks even more to those of you who post serious answers. During my second year of college, I met a girl with whom I fell madly in love. A year later, we were married and we stayed married for 9 years. I was 23 then. I'm going to leave out the details of what happened to the marriage because that's not what I'm here to ask about (I'll give more detail if anyone wants it). Fast forward 9 years and I'm 32 years old when my ex-wife wakes me up in the middle of the night one night to tell me that she's done with the relationship. We had moved half way across the country together only a year before this, and I was suddenly stuck alone in a new state with few friends and no idea what to do with myself. I have a good job though, so I stayed. She moved on quickly and had a new fiance before the year was over. I tried dating only a month after we split up, but it really didn't feel right. It was too soon. I know that now; however, even though those initial few dates were failures, they still helped me rediscover what it was like to be single and dating again. After a couple of months, I decided to take a break and focus on myself for a little while. Fast forward again another 1.5 years. I'm 34 now and decided to dedicate myself to finding a woman with whom I can build a real relationship. I've learned a lot about myself over the last year and a half, and I know what I want in a partner. I've gone out with several women and not really "clicked" with any of them. Then I met this lady on Match.com. She's 36 - a year older than me (not that it really matters). She has been in the military most of her adult life and even served a year in Afghanistan. I met this girl for the first time a couple of weeks ago. We had a 2 hour long coffee date. We only planned for 30 minutes, but we clicked really well and we couldn't stop talking. We ended that date with a handshake and a promise to go out again. A few days later, we kept that promise and spent nearly 6 hours together at a local festival wandering around a prairie, learning about the wildlife around our area, and ending the date with me teaching her how to Geocache. No, not a stereotypical date. But it was her idea and we both had a blast. That date ended with a hug, but no other form of physical contact (hand holding, etc.) Over the next week, we talked on the phone some and I would send her occasional text messages throughout the day - though often her replies would come long after I had sent my messages if she replied at all. I was getting a little confused and I sensed that she might be trying to put a little distance between us. After consulting with a couple of female friends, I decided to take the "play it cool" approach and begin to cut back on most of my texts to her. That approach lasted all of about 16 hours. That evening, having received little communication from me that day and receiving a one word answer from me in response to a question, she sent me a text saying "bw57570, are you trying to play me cool?" That was the exact content of her message (sub bw57570 for my real name). She had seen through me. Later that night she called me and we had a very long discussion about our different approaches to relationships. In all of my previous relationships, things had started hot and heavy with clear flirtation and signs of affection up front. I had gotten little of that from her. Most of our conversations seemed more like conversations between friends and not between people who were romantically interested in each other. I had flirted some, but had gotten no response from her. She explained that she was the type to take it slow. That as she got to know me more, her overall level of communication and flirtation would increase. I asked her that night if she saw me as someone she could potentially be romantically interested in. She told me that she didn't know yet, but that she had really liked what she had seen so far. I then asked her whether or not my casually flirting with her would bother her. She said it wouldn't and that she would prefer I keep it up. A few days later, I took her to the open house at our local observatory. Again, not a traditional date, but she was into it and so was I. She came over to my place before hand and I gave her the tour of my apartment. She acted incredibly interested in many of the contents of my apartment and in looking around at everything we discovered that we had much more in common than we previously thought. We then spent an hour at the observatory and headed back to my place. I don't remember how the conversation started, but somehow we started talking about our differing approaches to relationships again. She was being a little flirty with me and even told me that this date had made her decide that she was in fact romantically interested in me (yay!). She stayed over until midnight and we had some pretty deep and revealing conversations about our past, our families, and other aspects of our lives. Then, at midnight she rather quickly said goodnight and left. I stopped her on the way out the door and asked for a hug. She gave me a quick hug and then she left. That was the only physical contact that night. That date was this past Saturday. Since then, we have texted back and forth quite a bit and we even talked on the phone last night. I've been a little heavier with the flirting. Frequently calling her "beautiful", "smart", "incredible", and many other flattering adjectives. All of those flirtations have been ignored. Or at least she hasn't given me any response to them. Our conversations have gone back to being more like conversations between friends. This is where I need advice. Do I keep casually flirting and hope that she will eventually respond with some level of flirtation herself? Or do I back off a bit and just continue the conversations at the same level which she is engaging? She did tell me earlier that she wants me to keep flirting, but it feels awkward when I'm not getting anything back from her. Honestly, I've never dated anyone like this. Usually by the third date, I've at least gotten a kiss on the cheek ;-) So I guess I'm confused as to how I should proceed. I really really really like this girl. I mean, I literally can't get her out of my head. More than likely I'm completely over thinking all of this, but I am terrified of screwing this up. I'm sure many of you will read this and roll your eyes at me, but I would really appreciate any advice/words of wisdom you have for me. At the very least, maybe it will help me deal with some of the anxiety (brought on by anticipation) I'm feeling over this. Help?
BreakOnThrough Posted April 30, 2014 Posted April 30, 2014 Take the lead more on the physical interaction. She is already in your head and she knows you are afraid of screwing up. That's a BAD position to be in for the male. You have to turn that around. When she called you out on being cold, she was testing you, and it looks like she is still on the fence with you, so you didn't completely fail, but didn't pass either. Challenge her a bit, make some snarky/playful comments to poke fun at her. When she responds, move in closer to her and take charge. You're the Man, remember? Make it difficult for her to determine where she stands with you. If that means being sarcastic and a bit moody, then more affectionate, do it. Lastly, NEVER listen to other Women about what they think you should do with Women. They really have no clue. In comparison, would you ask another hunter how to catch a fox, or would you ask the fox. You would ask the hunter of course. Good Luck,
stephy567 Posted April 30, 2014 Posted April 30, 2014 bw57570, I just wanted to say that I relate to your post. I waited a little over a year after my divorce before dating again and when I did, I felt really lost. I ended up being "too interested" in the first person I had any romantic feelings for after my divorce because I was too out of practice. Anyway, that's neither here nor there. I wanted to also say I agree with BreakOnThrough that you should take the lead with the physical interaction. All women are different, but I can attest that for me at least, I want the guy to bridge that gap and make the first move; I'm sometimes left wondering...."when is he going to take charge already??". I can also at times be really awkward at responding to a guy's flirtation because I never really know what to say back. So, maybe like me, she is interested but wants you to take charge. Don't be too aggressive, but if she's interested, you'll definitely know by her response.
deathandtaxes Posted May 1, 2014 Posted May 1, 2014 Having her at your place is an implicit escalation on the physical level. She might be thinking you're really not interested in her if all you get of it is a hug. Three dates and a peck on the cheek? That's glacial. Take the initiative and kiss the lady!! 1
RonaldS Posted May 1, 2014 Posted May 1, 2014 All the kindness and sweetness and playfulness and things in common and deep conversations and niceties are all well and good.... ...but at some point you do need to plant in her mind the notion that at some point, you will get her clothes off, and when you do, you will make her see God. Otherwise, you're just her buddy. 2
Mo_Do Posted May 1, 2014 Posted May 1, 2014 You're doing two major things wrong and I am surprised she's hung around this long. A - Never tell a chick you met from a dating site that she's beautiful, hot, gorgeous etc before you have sealed the deal. All that's going to do is bump her confidence and she'll be back online aiming for guys out of her league, and she'll get them. B - You are way past the point of when you should have been physical with her. She left abruptly because she knew you weren't going to give her any action. YOU'RE GOING WAY TOO SLOW! And now its pissing her off
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