Chahy377 Posted April 27, 2014 Posted April 27, 2014 I met this guy last year while teaching summer school. The conversation was amazing, and I was so attracted to him. He said he didn't want to be in a relationship right now. I understood and still tried to see him. We went back and forth quite a bit, got intimate but no sex because I wanted to know him better. I ended up moving away but we still kept in touch. I moved back in February. I was ok with being friends but he pushed for more. He still didn't want to be in a relationship any time soon. I understood that and was ok with it. I enjoyed him and his company. We agreed to see each other intimately but I made it very clear. I didn't want to have sex without emotions. I wanted to hang out and talk, also see each other often. I asked him what he wanted and he agreed and said what we had was more than just sexual. During the last three months we never had sex, mostly because of him. We barely would speak and would meet up just once a week where I would end up giving him head. I would try to initiate sexting/pics but he never really ran with it. So I would say to myself he's not that into it because how could I be offering sex and him not want it?? I never was emotional about it I would just tell him let's just be friends and not do this anymore. It's totally fine. But he would always say that's not what he wanted and give me all these reasons. He was out of town most weekends, he lives 40 min away, he had no money, we both live with family so we don't have our own places. He swore that he was telling the truth and that he wasn't seeing anyone else. I would always believe him and change my mind back. This happened four times within the last 3 months. But things would always stay the same...no sex, seeing each other just once a week, no calls, text conversation that didn't go anywhere. I finally asked him if he wanted this to be emotionless and without feeling. He avoided the question. I asked him to just be honest. He said yes, I'm not really looking for an emotional connection. I took that to mean he didn't like me. I got so frustrated cuz that's all he ever had to say to me, from the very beginning and all the times I asked him to tell me what he wanted because things seemed so off. So many times I told him we weren't on the same page, but he said we were and he wanted to do this. I never would've agreed if he had just told me the truth.He wasn't honest with me. I got frustrated and told him to never talk to me again. The next day I apologized because I really did care for him as a friend. I wanted us to still be friends, that's all I've ever wanted and was ok with that. I apologized 3 times and he ignored it for 3 days. He finally replied "this is just exhausting, we are fine. So chill." I waited a couple of days and texted him how he was doing. He never responded. He just can't be straight with me and tell me it's over, or he doesn't want to talk to me, or he's done. I can't just talk to him and just have it out, he wont reply. Normal people are able to have a simple conversation a, to talk, to just be honest. And he wont with me and it hurts me so badly. I don't understand and I hate this feeling of being ignored. If we're not fine, why would he say that?
TAV Posted April 27, 2014 Posted April 27, 2014 A blowjob is sex too. So stop saying you did not have sex, even if it was seemingly only one-sided. I'm not really sure how you were ok with this too. I'm not sure what you were hoping for. He made it very clear from the beginning that he was not interested in a relationship with you, you decided to give him head (to keep him coming back I guess?) and somehow miraculously you hoped he'd fall in love with you and wanted a relationship with you after all. Now that the drama got too much for him you are angry with him for not wanting more (which he told you several times he was not interested in). Next time invest your time in someone who is interested in you. You cannot make someone love you.
Author Chahy377 Posted April 27, 2014 Author Posted April 27, 2014 (edited) A blowjob is sex too. So stop saying you did not have sex, even if it was seemingly only one-sided. I'm not really sure how you were ok with this too. I'm not sure what you were hoping for. He made it very clear from the beginning that he was not interested in a relationship with you, you decided to give him head (to keep him coming back I guess?) and somehow miraculously you hoped he'd fall in love with you and wanted a relationship with you after all. Now that the drama got too much for him you are angry with him for not wanting more (which he told you several times he was not interested in). Next time invest your time in someone who is interested in you. You cannot make someone love you. Did you read any of my post?? He said he was interested in me and that it wasn't just sex. What you just described what was what he agreed would NOT happen. We agreed to HAVE sex and he said it wouldn't be without feelings. I was ok with not having a relationship, I just wanted to enjoy him and his company. Nowhere in my post did I say I wanted him to fall in love with me or that I wanted more. Edited April 27, 2014 by Chahy377
TAV Posted April 27, 2014 Posted April 27, 2014 Yes, I took the trouble to read your post. I quote your words: 'He said yes, I'm not really looking for an emotional connection.' Point me towards the part where he said he was interested in more than sex? You claim you wanted this to be a casual thing, yet you wanted 'sex with feelings' and you did not want him to date anyone else. If he says he does not want an emotional connection you jump to the conclusion he does not like you. I think you are kind of contradicting yourself and I get when he says 'this is tiring'. I'm sorry I obviously did not send you the reply you were expecting to hear. Maybe one of the other LS members can help you with that.
Author Chahy377 Posted April 27, 2014 Author Posted April 27, 2014 (edited) Yes, I took the trouble to read your post. I quote your words: 'He said yes, I'm not really looking for an emotional connection.' Point me towards the part where he said he was interested in more than sex? You claim you wanted this to be a casual thing, yet you wanted 'sex with feelings' and you did not want him to date anyone else. If he says he does not want an emotional connection you jump to the conclusion he does not like you. I think you are kind of contradicting yourself and I get when he says 'this is tiring'. I'm sorry I obviously did not send you the reply you were expecting to hear. Maybe one of the other LS members can help you with that. I have no idea what you are talking about!!!! At the beginning of my post i said he had agreed to emotions with sex and that he was interested in me. So for three months I tried it. He kept on saying he wanted what I wanted whenever I told him we could just be friends. He said he didn't want to just be my friend, and agreed to my terms. He just told me now, 3 months later that he never wanted an emotional connection. He said no feelings or emotions!! That means he doesnt like me! Not three months ago....now!!! He misled me! It's all there in my post, I didn't think that was confusing Plus...he agreed to sex without feelings and not seeing anyone else. No one held a gun to his head and forced him. He agreed to it, so I took him at his word. Edited April 27, 2014 by Chahy377
KatZee Posted April 27, 2014 Posted April 27, 2014 Did you read any of my post?? He said he was interested in me and that it wasn't just sex. What you just described what was what he agreed would NOT happen. We agreed to HAVE sex and he said it wouldn't be without feelings. I was ok with not having a relationship, I just wanted to enjoy him and his company. Nowhere in my post did I say I wanted him to fall in love with me or that I wanted more. Listen, it's very simple. Watch what they do. Not what they say. He: - Never called you - Only saw you once a week for you to give him head - Wasn't emotionally connecting with you - Wasn't being honest He basically was blowing a lot of smoke up your ass to keep you around giving him what he wanted (free weekly blowjobs). All it took was the bare minimum to keep you hanging around, just some casual words here and there about how he was "interested." A guy who is INTERESTED is going to make time to see you and when he does see you he's going to do a lot more than initiate being intimate. He would have put forth WAY more effort from the very beginning. This guy did NOTHING but make excuses, and toss you a few crumbs. You are WAY more invested than he is (even if you claim to have "no emotions") it's clear that this guy is really having an effect on you. Time to cut it off. He's not going to be your boyfriend, or have sex with emotions, or whatever else you're looking for, or want. 1
KatZee Posted April 27, 2014 Posted April 27, 2014 I have no idea what you are talking about!!!! At the beginning of my post i said he had agreed to emotions with sex and that he was interested in me. So for three months I tried it. He kept on saying he wanted what I wanted whenever I told him we could just be friends. He said he didn't want to just be my friend, and agreed to my terms. He just told me now, 3 months later that he never wanted an emotional connection. He said no feelings or emotions!! That means he doesnt like me! Not three months ago....now!!! He misled me! It's all there in my post, I didn't think that was confusing Plus...he agreed to sex without feelings and not seeing anyone else. No one held a gun to his head and forced him. He agreed to it, so I took him at his word. This is just not how relationships work. Not even a little bit. Being with someone doesn't mean agreeing to emotions with sex. You can't just tell someone "sure I'll have emotions for you and we'll have sex." Emotions and feelings for someone develop naturally and it's not something you can choose to do, it just happens. He was treating this like a business deal from day one and it's very odd. There was really no "misleading" here. Was he taking you out on dates? Courting you? Having interest in your life? From what I'm reading here it doesn't seem like he was showing or doing things to show you interest beyond some mere words. Not having an emotional connection with you doesn't mean he doesn't like you, it means he's emotionally unavailable. It means he's not looking for what you're looking for, and in all honesty was probably hoping to get you in bed with all the, "yeah I'll have emotions for you" talk. All this means is that he doesn't want to be in a relationship with you. He could think you're a cool girl but now you're being "drama" when you're not even his girlfriend. You gotta cut all the emotion talk and just move on. You're not getting what you want here. Time to bounce. 1
Author Chahy377 Posted April 27, 2014 Author Posted April 27, 2014 This is just not how relationships work. Not even a little bit. Being with someone doesn't mean agreeing to emotions with sex. You can't just tell someone "sure I'll have emotions for you and we'll have sex." Emotions and feelings for someone develop naturally and it's not something you can choose to do, it just happens. He was treating this like a business deal from day one and it's very odd. There was really no "misleading" here. Was he taking you out on dates? Courting you? Having interest in your life? From what I'm reading here it doesn't seem like he was showing or doing things to show you interest beyond some mere words. Not having an emotional connection with you doesn't mean he doesn't like you, it means he's emotionally unavailable. It means he's not looking for what you're looking for, and in all honesty was probably hoping to get you in bed with all the, "yeah I'll have emotions for you" talk. All this means is that he doesn't want to be in a relationship with you. He could think you're a cool girl but now you're being "drama" when you're not even his girlfriend. You gotta cut all the emotion talk and just move on. You're not getting what you want here. Time to bounce. Thank you for this...I think you're right in a lot of areas. The sad thing is that I don't even think he wanted to have sex with me. Three months I was available and open to him for having sex and he never wanted to. Of course he said he did, and that the opportunity just never presented itself. But there were many times we could've made it happen, I was sexting him and really put myself out there and he never ran with it. But he kept on saying he wanted to. He expected me to believe he could go 3 months without sex when it was available to him. He said he wasn't having sex with anyone else. He acted like he didn't want me. I do not know why and I don't understand. I am so humiliated and embarrassed. Even regular fwb doesn't work like this. The only real effort he made was to text me more. But the conversation never went anywhere. Even when I tried to make conversation he wouldnt go with it. I saw him initiating texts as an improvement but it didn't really mean anything did it? No calls, no hanging out, no plans, none of the conversation that I told him I loved. I feel so sick to my stomach and bad.
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