eastmeetswest Posted April 27, 2014 Posted April 27, 2014 My partner of 6 years rented a u-haul, took everything he owned and the most precious gifts he gave me too...and left back to the USA. I was at a conference out of town for the week. I was happy, things were fine to me. Sure we had the usual male/female wiring tiffs but nothing. I knew what long term relationships entail..I had been in one for 17 years..the longest for him 3 years tops. He left his ex-wife the same way apparently. I was dumbfounded and am still in shock. It is a death a sudden car crash where your beloved is killed only worse it feels. We were building his dream business..I had invested $250, 000 for the unique building. It was his pride and joy, his passion...He was excited about finishing the building and starting. It was a co-creative major project that was going on 4 years. We had major immigration issues and made it through. He finally got his permanent residence in Canada and was able to keep his job from the USA online. Life was perfect. To make a long story short. Everything was fine..we were affectionate, going about daily life. Sure we were in a bit of a romantic rut-financial, stress, job stress and building construction fatigue but we had a foundation so I thought? So 1 month ago I came home to a 1/2 empty home. We had planned a wedding, I bought wedding clothes overseas for us. I am devastated beyond comprehension. It makes no sense . I know for sure there is no other woman. I have had a month of contact and rehashing everything, defending myself. To him, I had no right to be angry as it was all my fault he said. He laid all of my issues out that led to his unhappiness, etc...and I was blown away. He did not communicate anything about how unhappy he was. Maybe a slight hint here and there, but nothing unusual in a coupledom with the daily grind of running a household, jobs etc... I am having major issues with anxiety, grief and utter, utter confusion. I was left on a huge property, no help, construction of a building (he was in charge of), and financial stress. I just cannot believe it. He slammed my cousin's partner who happen to do this exact disappearing act a few months ago calling him a coward, immature etc. I am absolutely broken. He said he wanted to come back last week, then changed his mind...sending me on an emotional roller coaster ride. I have just started the whole NC thing. Anyways...I am still just wanting him back...I invested so much. He is so angry and in pain. I have analyzed it to death and have told him if he did return he'd have to go straight into counselling. I am a mess. He was my everything..we had such amazing plans for our future. I was blindsided. That's my story briefly. Just an added piece, my partner is mildly asperger's and I think this played a HUGE roll in his coping strategy. thanks for reading. I have cut him off facebook, skype and asked him to leave me alone. I have said some angry things, some name calling and I feel bad about this. I believe in compassion, forgiveness and the ability to have a reconciliation. I do believe this could lead to growth as a couple...but it just seems so far away. I can't imagine my life without him. It's like a bad nightmare I hope to wake up from. I want to reconcile, and it sounds like from the posts on here that if he wants to come back he will let me know, so I need to just be in NC mode. My issue is he is not wired the same as others...he implements out of site, out of mind quite effectively. This hurts beyond comprehension. I am a super perceptive person and this is like I am living in a whole other parallel topsy turvy universe. WHat was I missing?
Jiivy Posted April 27, 2014 Posted April 27, 2014 (edited) You were missing you. All the effort, the working together over the years and the momentus efforts to proceed as a couple sounds more like it came from you than it ever did him. Am I wrong? For all that you gave, I'd start by asking what you truly got back...and with the complete opposite mentality, I'd also tell you that love should absolutely be selfless. This is confusing, torturing and absolutely rediculous a notion and yet still holds true. Be proud that you gave so selflessly and be aware that perhaps you gave blindly. Personally - it sounds like you were an amazing partner who loved her man the way anyone would be lucky to have. There are always going to be things you overlook, things you miss...and as the months roll by you'll likely find one million things that could have caused him to leave you. You'll also find one million more that absolves you from blame. I too lost my fiancée somewhat suddenly. Over the course of a month the conversation began with "I'm not sure if I love you" to "there's someone else". Know that you're not alone here on LS, we are suffering with you...ask more questions if you have them. I'm here for you and I understand what you're going through. Edited April 27, 2014 by Jiivy spelling 2
Author eastmeetswest Posted April 27, 2014 Author Posted April 27, 2014 I am in NC right now; however, some of the advice seems like emotional repression. I just cannot erase a person from my life who had a big part of it. I understand about high school boyfriend/girlfriend stuff but with a long term marriage or relationship where there are family ties, financial complicaitons etc...this seems a bit repressive. I am on the fence with it. I was dumped and harshly..abandoned without warning. I was happy, obviously he wasn't. When does forgiveness play a role? If we just erase them from our life on the material plane aren't we just pushing down issues. I did the whole NC thing with a previous husband and there was no real closure. It was an ache deep down. I don't want to make this long but I agree with NC, yet the whole parts where you burn, throw out stuff-photos, get rid of phone numbers, etc... seems so over the top. It depends I guess. I love my partner very much and he still loves me. It's like a family member...you don't just erase them if they did something to hurt you. I am confused. My husband was my family..how do I deal with that?
learning_slowly Posted April 27, 2014 Posted April 27, 2014 I think it depends what you want. NC allows you to forget faster. You don't need to burn everything etc, just put it all where you can't see it. I deleted all of mine after sending her copies. If for any reason we were to get back together (which I think at this stage, neither of us would want), then the photos would exist for us together. Otherwise, what use have I for them. They are my past, I want to live in the now. Remeniscing is fine with friends, but I'm not so sure with exes. Yes, ideally forgive them, but most of all look after you. I think the thing that got through to me was: everyday they are choosing not to be with you. So why waste your time on them anymore? Hard to act like that, I know!
Grumpybutfun Posted April 27, 2014 Posted April 27, 2014 (edited) If he still loves you, why did he dump you? Doesn't sound like love to me. You go NC because the other person dumped you so you need to move on and you can't do that with one foot in their doorway all the time. Acceptance that you are no longer family is what you will need to get over him. It may sound harsh but it is the only way you come out of this in the least bit healthy and happy. NC is great advice, everyone doubts it because they want their relationship to have a second chance and it usually doesn't if you were the one who was tossed away. G Edited April 27, 2014 by Grumpybutfun
Author eastmeetswest Posted April 27, 2014 Author Posted April 27, 2014 I guess you're right...I don't want to erase and forget. It's too painful for me. There are cultural differences too...I am from a background where this type of thing is so, so not customary. It's so hard. I wish he died..it would have been easier. Not nice to say but true. thanks I don't want to start over..I am too old for this crap. I am still in shock. There is that movie where people can go have their minds erased of their former partner... now that would be awesome. This sucks.
d0nnivain Posted April 27, 2014 Posted April 27, 2014 Divorce is way different then breaking up young love. Yes you were family & it's OK to gradually transistion out of that relationship & all of the others, in-laws etc. Just don't kid yourself that you still love each other. You may not harbor ill will or want bad things to happen but your relationship has changed dramatically & it's time to find new romantic love.
Author eastmeetswest Posted April 27, 2014 Author Posted April 27, 2014 This is the issue for me. Romantic love is no twhat I am really interested in. I want long term, committed love. Romantic love is a trap..a fantasy, a western notion of addiction and high feelings that don't last. I want contentment, security, companionship. I am a very attractive woman with a lot to offer when I am optimal. I am not optimal right now for sure. I feel I will never be optimal again. Sometimes life just wears you down. I have so many professional women friends who have given up on men. I do far better in a relationship because I am a nurturer, giver etc... I am simply devastated. I can only trust in the universe.
learning_slowly Posted April 29, 2014 Posted April 29, 2014 Whatever you do, don't give up. I've seen people that have givèn up. They no longer have anything to say that's positive about the world. You seem like a positive person who has had some bad times. I know it sounds cheap, but sometimes we need our eyes to be cleaned with tears so we can see clearly how our lives can improve. Improve yours. It cannot have been perfect otherwise it wouldn't be over. Love has to start somewhere. Committed love takes time and even that can fade if not maintained.
TrappedWanderer Posted April 29, 2014 Posted April 29, 2014 Exactly! Eastmeetswest, I'm SO sorry for what you have gone through. I had a similiar out-of-nowhere and cross-cultural experience myself. And it was gut-wrenching. Absolutely punch in the face kind of hurt. But now I'm 6 months out of what Jiivy says is so true: "For all that you gave, I'd start by asking what you truly got back...and with the complete opposite mentality, I'd also tell you that love should absolutely be selfless. This is confusing, torturing and absolutely rediculous a notion and yet still holds true. Be proud that you gave so selflessly and be aware that perhaps you gave blindly." Have your bad days, let the feelings and emotions come....you'll be better off in the long run for grieving it. Don't get me wrong, I'm still angry and hurt, but know if that's who he really turned out to be, I wouldn't want to be with him anyway. Keep your head up!! You were missing you. All the effort, the working together over the years and the momentus efforts to proceed as a couple sounds more like it came from you than it ever did him. Am I wrong? For all that you gave, I'd start by asking what you truly got back...and with the complete opposite mentality, I'd also tell you that love should absolutely be selfless. This is confusing, torturing and absolutely rediculous a notion and yet still holds true. Be proud that you gave so selflessly and be aware that perhaps you gave blindly. Personally - it sounds like you were an amazing partner who loved her man the way anyone would be lucky to have. There are always going to be things you overlook, things you miss...and as the months roll by you'll likely find one million things that could have caused him to leave you. You'll also find one million more that absolves you from blame. I too lost my fiancée somewhat suddenly. Over the course of a month the conversation began with "I'm not sure if I love you" to "there's someone else". Know that you're not alone here on LS, we are suffering with you...ask more questions if you have them. I'm here for you and I understand what you're going through. 1
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