Finisterre Posted April 26, 2014 Posted April 26, 2014 Hallo I have been reading these boards for a few weeks and have decided to ask for some advice. I am 34 and did have a boyfriend of 33. I am not sure if I still have him. I thought i had the perfect relationship. My boyfriend is beautiful, he looks so good. For the past year I have been so jealous of him. Everywhere we go women approach him, ask him out and flirt with him. He seems oblivious to all this. When I tell him I am unhappy with this he says that he is with me. But things went over the top last week. He has always had mostly female friends and I can see how much they would like to be with him, he says this is insane and they were his mates long before he knew me, so I am being silly. I made such a scene when we went out; we were out with his friends and mine. I told them that I knew that they wanted him and always had. He told me we should go home as it was stupid what I was doing. I shouted at him in front of everyone. He just said we should leave and he then apologized to his friends for me! I felt so humiliated. When we got home he said he just wanted to sleep. I wanted to argue with him but he would not. I tried to tell him how much it hurts me when he is with his friends. He again said I was being silly and he was with me. I would not let it go and it escalated into accusing him of going out of his way to make me jealous. He said I was ruining something so good for no reason. I told him if he saw his female friends again I would leave him. He got up and got dressed and went home. I tried to stop him and say I did not mean it. He said he would call me in the week when I had calmed down. He sms me in the morning and said he loved me deeply. He called me the next day asking me why I could not trust him and why am I so jealous? I love this man and I do not want to lose him without a good reason, why am I so paranoid? It has been 3 days now and he has sms me 20 times that he loves me but he cannot understand. I feel I have a man who is too good to be true. He wants me all time and all I do is question. What is wrong with me? I have only ever felt jealousy with him. I don`t want to lose him, how can I make it right? Sorry for my english it`s not my first language.
CarrieT Posted April 26, 2014 Posted April 26, 2014 Any one???????????? First off, these boards get less traffic on weekends so expecting an answer within twenty minutes is expecting a bit... Secondly, yes, I believe you are paranoid. Has he given you any reason to not trust him - other than the fact that other women find him attractive? You said he messaged you some twenty times trying to proclaim his love, but it is not enough for you? I think you are going to lose him; men - and women - don't like to continue playing these types of games. What do you want/expect from him? That he become a hermit and only see you to assuage your fears? You are going to destroy this relationship from the inside if you can't let go of the jealousy. 3
angel.eyes Posted April 26, 2014 Posted April 26, 2014 I feel I have a man who is too good to be true. He wants me all time and all I do is question. What is wrong with me? I have only ever felt jealousy with him. I don`t want to lose him, how can I make it right? Sorry for my english it`s not my first language. So, you're suspicious of all his female friends? ...and any woman who interacts with him? That must be exhausting. It sounds as if you don't believe you deserve him. Why is that, do you think? You're expecting him to dump you for someone else...anyone else...at any moment, and are in the process of turning your conviction into a self-fulfilling prophesy. Why do you think he chose you to date? Why do you think he picked you as his girlfriend? Why do you think he's stayed with you for the past year? How is the relationship outside of your blow-ups and public tantrums? How is your self-esteem? My guess is that is at the core of the problem. Self-worth comes from within. There's nothing a partner can do to fix that. To answer your question, yes I believe your jealousy is unreasonable.
Author Finisterre Posted April 26, 2014 Author Posted April 26, 2014 Thank you Carrie for replying thank you. Sorry I did not know that not many people online at weekend. No he does not give me any reason to. But i do not trust the women he is friends with. They are all flirtey types, he went to college with them. I can see how they look at him. He is so beautiful and i don`t know he would want me. I am normal looking. He tells me he cannot believe he met me. I sms him tonight and said i was wrong and he called me. He was so upset. He told me he tells me that he feels he is losing me for no reason but he cannot be without his friends, that he grew up with them and now they have told him to finish with me. He say that he loves me but he will not change and do what i want. I have never met a man so beautiful and caring. I cannot believe he really wants me. Why cannot i accept and trust?? He takes me everywhere, he says he loves to show me off and he is the lucky one. I don`t feel this. My firends say i should talk to someone. Why i know i will lose him, after two years he will give up. Why cannot he see how his female friends make me feel.
TAV Posted April 26, 2014 Posted April 26, 2014 It's you who has the issue. Your insecurity/lack of self-esteem. You are driving this poor man nuts. Looks aren't everything, you know! He obviously thinks you are good enough for him, why are you doubting his judgement? For some people, me included, the interior is far more important than the exterior, you are lucky to have found a man who appreciates you for the person you are. That means he will love you if you grow old, are unlucky enough to become ill or lose your figure having his babies. Start appreciating that now or lose him altogether. Maybe these other females do want him but that doesn't matter; he is not interested. However, if you keep being such a pain in the ass, his eye may start wondering. He is just a man, not a saint! 4
todreaminblue Posted April 26, 2014 Posted April 26, 2014 im sorry that you feel jealousy ...doesnt feel good does it and obviously you dont want to feel it so you reach out on here ...thats a start then knowing you dont want to feel jealous you have figured out by yourself it could destroy your relationship so you realize that what you feel could harm your relationship because jealousy is a negative emotion....... now the next step is to recognize in what situation you will feel this and when you are in that situation to think of all the wonderful things your boyfriend has done for you, said to you, how he treats you and the way he looks at you ...that is your ammo girl....use it and knock jealousy on its butt..use what you know and trust him .......best wishes....trust also kills jealousy...give jealousy a head shot with trust...hee hee ..ahem ...sorry i am in battle mode.......smilin......best wishes....deb 1
Author Finisterre Posted April 26, 2014 Author Posted April 26, 2014 Tav, Angel. I have had 3 serous relationships. This is the 4 one and it has been unbelievable. I am overweight size 16 in dress`s. I still get spotts. He is sports conditioned, looks like a movie star, for 2 years all he tells me how lucky he is to have found me. All his firends are beautiful. When we are out I feel so terrible. He always has his arm around me and it makes me feel worse sometimes. I wish I knew what he really sees in me. I ask him all the time. And all he says is i love you so much. We share interests like books and music, when i met him he came to me and i was so embarressed. He told me he heard me talking about Thomas Hardy, i was reading JUde at the time. He said Jude was very obscure. I couldnot stop laughing. I am so afraid.
TAV Posted April 26, 2014 Posted April 26, 2014 Girl, wake up, he thinks you are gorgeous, you probably are. Curvy and hot too, that's why he is possessive and puts his arm around you. And he loves that you share his interests. Don't be afraid; embrace it! 'All his friends are beautiful' That is probably how you see the world; everyone is better looking or has a more socially accepted size than me. Stop with the self-loathing! Try to see yourself through his eyes. Or get some help to work on your self-esteem. Don't let this Prince Charming go. You will probably break his heart. I know you don't want to do that 3
todreaminblue Posted April 26, 2014 Posted April 26, 2014 Tav, Angel. I have had 3 serous relationships. This is the 4 one and it has been unbelievable. I am overweight size 16 in dress`s. I still get spotts. He is sports conditioned, looks like a movie star, for 2 years all he tells me how lucky he is to have found me. All his firends are beautiful. When we are out I feel so terrible. He always has his arm around me and it makes me feel worse sometimes. I wish I knew what he really sees in me. I ask him all the time. And all he says is i love you so much. We share interests like books and music, when i met him he came to me and i was so embarressed. He told me he heard me talking about Thomas Hardy, i was reading JUde at the time. He said Jude was very obscure. I couldnot stop laughing. I am so afraid. i smiled large when i read that your boyfriend sees you for who you are a beautiful person beauty is never only found skin deep........while you are afraid to lose him you aren't enjoying being with him....you found each other dont waste time you dont know how long you have do you really want to spend your time worrying whether he will leave you or do you want to spend time with the guy who adores you and have a blast...its all your choice how you look at it........do you want lemon or chocolate...i would take the chocolate please god give me a chocolate bar that is bigger than my head and i will feel blessed to eat it...;0)... sucking on a lemon makes you just as bitter so dotn take the lemon...your choice i know what choice you will make....you will trust him and take the chocolate bar as big as your head......and you will thank god you get to have it ...hugs....deb 3
Author Finisterre Posted April 26, 2014 Author Posted April 26, 2014 Deb you made me smile. Tav I wish I could cry sometime. If you saw us together you would question why a man who looks like that is with her. I feel so nothing next to him. He sits sometime in the metro opposite me saying he needs to see me and he whispers how wonderful i am. I look around and i see the women looking at him. and i think what are you doing with me. He could have anyone, i have spent a year making his life hell. I know i should accept he is with me. But why would a beautiful intelligent man want a book person like me. He keeps telling me he is blessed. I ask him about his other relatonships and he says they were time waiting for you to findme. This cannot be true. I feel fat, i feel terrible. I feel why is someone like him calling me and sms me. I know i need to see somone for this. He says i should be happy and we should plan for the future. He is always optimistic. I hate it. I asked him am i fat am i ugly. he said who are you asking. I love him so much but he will be taken from me. 1
TAV Posted April 27, 2014 Posted April 27, 2014 I think you are so busy looking at the women who are trying to ogle him that you don't see the men who are looking at you. Did you have a father or brothers who repeatedly told you that you are worthless? You sound like you have already given up the fight and if you keep feeling so defeated this will become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Yes, you do need to see someone for this. Make an appointment on Monday, please. Even if you lose this Mr. Wonderful you will need to feel better about yourself to be happy.
AnneT1985 Posted April 27, 2014 Posted April 27, 2014 I agree with everyone else. There is nothing wrong with FEELING jealousy-we all do- but it is just a feeling, let it pass. Focus on the facts and make rational decisions based on those. I wish you the best of luck! xx
Author Finisterre Posted April 27, 2014 Author Posted April 27, 2014 Thank you all for your kind advice. I called him today and we met for coffee and cake. I told him I wanted to see someone about my jealousy. I told him i hate the way other women like him so much. Tav I asked him if he saw men looking at me and he said men look all the time, i asked why it did not make him feel bad. He said because i have you and they don`t. I told him i want to lose weight and he said i was perfect the way i was. He said that we should find a sport to do together if i wanted to. I cannot believe what i put him thru. I have found a therapist in the city we live who is recommended. I will go on Tuesday. Tav in all my other relatonships I was dominated and bullied. I told him about this I never had before. He said it was ok to tell him about it. I did and was crying so much. He said that we would have a great life and when i feel jealous i should talk to him. I don`t deserve his patience after what i did to him so many times. I will try the therapy and work with him and tell him when things are wrong. Thank you all. 2
TAV Posted April 27, 2014 Posted April 27, 2014 Thank you all for your kind advice. I called him today and we met for coffee and cake. I told him I wanted to see someone about my jealousy. I told him i hate the way other women like him so much. Tav I asked him if he saw men looking at me and he said men look all the time, i asked why it did not make him feel bad. He said because i have you and they don`t. I told him i want to lose weight and he said i was perfect the way i was. He said that we should find a sport to do together if i wanted to. I cannot believe what i put him thru. I have found a therapist in the city we live who is recommended. I will go on Tuesday. Tav in all my other relatonships I was dominated and bullied. I told him about this I never had before. He said it was ok to tell him about it. I did and was crying so much. He said that we would have a great life and when i feel jealous i should talk to him. I don`t deserve his patience after what i did to him so many times. I will try the therapy and work with him and tell him when things are wrong. Thank you all. You are very welcome. I'm glad I could help. I am very glad you opened up to him, he truly sounds like a wonderful man. (And you sound like an equally wonderful, though slightly confused, young woman). And you do deserve his patience because he loves you; love is patient and kind. I wish you both the best of luck! 3
Michelle ma Belle Posted April 27, 2014 Posted April 27, 2014 It's you who has the issue. Your insecurity/lack of self-esteem. You are driving this poor man nuts. Looks aren't everything, you know! He obviously thinks you are good enough for him, why are you doubting his judgement? For some people, me included, the interior is far more important than the exterior, you are lucky to have found a man who appreciates you for the person you are. That means he will love you if you grow old, are unlucky enough to become ill or lose your figure having his babies. Start appreciating that now or lose him altogether. Maybe these other females do want him but that doesn't matter; he is not interested. However, if you keep being such a pain in the ass, his eye may start wondering. He is just a man, not a saint! I couldn't have said it better myself. This has nothing to do with him and everything to do with YOU! Although a little jealousy is healthy in a relationship it is NOT healthy to go around assuming and thus accusing people of doing things you have no proof of them doing!! Shame on you for making such a scene and for giving him an ultimatum. According to you, he has done absolutely NOTHING to warrant such behavior. He may indeed be "beautiful" in your mind but you will have to learn to see yourself as just as beautiful AND worthy of being with him (or any man) if you have any chance of a happy and fulfilling relationship. Keep up the jealousy and especially the sabotaging and I guarantee he won't stick around. And remember that just because his female mates MAY want him doesn't mean they get to have him. He's chosen YOU. Don't make him regret that. Good luck.
oldshirt Posted April 27, 2014 Posted April 27, 2014 Since you haven't said a word about him actually cheating or trying to get with other women or of the other women actually achieving getting him into the sack, I have to assume that your jealousy is unfounded and is a toxic and inappropriate feeling that is causing harm to your relationship for no valid reason. In other words, it's not him, it's you. My recommendation is find a therapist that specializes in self-esteem/self-image/insecurity issues and try to fix this is a healthy manner. because here's the thing, if you don't get this treated and fixed, even if you two stay together this issue will poison and harm your relationship and will either cause it to end or will make it miserable if you stay together. But the real clincher is if you do split up, you will just continue to carry this toxic insecurity with you and it will poison your next relationship too. 1
Author Finisterre Posted April 28, 2014 Author Posted April 28, 2014 Oldshirt you are right. I need to make me well. I have no desire to take this jealousy out on the man I love. I love him, he has not given me any reason to leave him, it is in me to make this work. I will see a therapist tomorrow. I am looking to open up for the first time in my life. Tav, I am so thank to you. I have spent the day with him after we finished work. It was good. He want me tell him everything when it upsets me. We talked about a sport we can do and we decided tennis. I am looking forward to this. 3
angel.eyes Posted April 28, 2014 Posted April 28, 2014 You have great taste! First, one of my favorite books by one of my favorite authors. Now my favorite sport! Tav, Angel. I have had 3 serous relationships. This is the 4 one and it has been unbelievable. I am overweight size 16 in dress`s. I still get spotts. He is sports conditioned, looks like a movie star, for 2 years all he tells me how lucky he is to have found me. All his firends are beautiful. When we are out I feel so terrible. He always has his arm around me and it makes me feel worse sometimes. I wish I knew what he really sees in me. I ask him all the time. And all he says is i love you so much. We share interests like books and music, when i met him he came to me and i was so embarressed. He told me he heard me talking about Thomas Hardy, i was reading JUde at the time. He said Jude was very obscure. I couldnot stop laughing. I am so afraid. Unfortunately, most of us live in a society where women are constantly bombarded with messages that thin is beautiful and being overweight is ugly and unattractive...that you suddenly become undesirable when you gain weight. It's a shame that you've bought into this fallacy because your boyfriend clearly finds you beautiful and loves you. Most overweight women I see have boyfriends...great boyfriends. Pierce Brosnan, who was a confirmed bachelor following his divorce, got so much flak for marrying and staying married to his current wife. I think she's a size 18. Something about her got him to stop playing the field. While other Hollywood couples have crashed and burned, they've been married about 15 years. From the way he looks at her, he's still very clearly enamored with her. Not that the media have changed. They remain mercilessly rude and brutally cruel, as if she has no feelings, but she powers right on. Different men are attracted to different things--different body types, hair colors, races, personalities, interests, quirks, etc. You have a unique combination that your boyfriend finds beautiful and attractive, so much so that he's put up with quite a lot of crap from you for a year. He chose you, not his female friends from college. He chose you, not some other woman. He's stayed with you for two years. You meet his needs in a way that he can't find elsewhere. From everything you describe, this man genuinely loves you and seems committed to making this work. He's not someone with one foot out the door, exploring other options. I'm glad that you'll be seeing a therapist. I would hate to see you destroy a perfectly good relationship (even though I don't know you). Enjoy tennis together!
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