Getthruit Posted April 26, 2014 Posted April 26, 2014 Newbie here trying to navigate my feelings. Found an email from when my fiancé and I had been dating for a few months that he made an appointment for a "girlfriend experience" with an escort. Saw the original form he filled out with his information and then an email trail between them. She asked him to send vetting information via email (driver's license, work ID) because he didn't have any references with other "ladies". He made the appointment on a Monday, sent vetting information on Wednesday and then sent it again on Friday because she had apparently not responded the first time (Thursday was Thanksgiving so I'm sure she was very busy). The appointment was for noon on that Monday. This was 17 months ago. I confronted him on it, getting confirmation only after I told him what I knew. He admitted to making the appointment, admitted to sending the information but told me he didn't ultimately go. He had looked into it when he was single and had received an email from her that she was going to be in town (how convenient... A traveling tramp) during that time and made the appointment (about an hour after leaving my house btw). Based on subsequent conversations of me asking "why" he has stated he doesn't know why. That it was an experience that he was interested in but that when he really thought about it he decided not to go through with it because of me. Do I believe him? Sometimes. What kills me is that we were in such an amazing place in our lives at that time. He was planning to introduce me to his daughter which was a HUGE deal, we had recently said "I love you"'s for the first time and we were already talking in an abstract way about the future. Makes me feel like all that was a complete lie. I never found any other incriminating emails or information after I knew about the escort but before I confronted him on it so that does make me feel a little bit better I guess. So I'm wondering... From those of you out there who have cheated or thought about cheating with escorts.... What motivates you to do this when you have a loving, attractive committed woman waiting for you at home? I've thought about it long and hard. The fact is that I want him, I love him and I still want to marry him. The hurt is still there but going away a bit. Just still having trouble with the "why". Share
d0nnivain Posted April 26, 2014 Posted April 26, 2014 The fact remains that he did not cheat. Yes, he took a few more concrete steps then just thinking about it but in the end he did the right thing. I would not marry him until you talked more about this. You may never find out why. If you can't deal with that, let him go. If you do marry him you can never throw this in his face years from now. 2
Appreciate Posted April 27, 2014 Posted April 27, 2014 Wait. Back up. How can you be sure he did not go? I would not take his word on it. Was there an original date on the form? How much time had you started dating before the form was filled out? There should have been some initial reply from her.. even if it to say I'm not in your area now but will contact you when I am. I would tell him you want more proof and you are entitled to it. Maybe he could share his bank records with you from around that time, to verify that there wasn't big ATM withdrawal. Credit card statement, too, if she was with an agency. Your going to be marrying this man. He needs to be totally and unequivocally upfront about this. Otherwise, he may feel he's gotten away with something and if the urge strikes again later in your marriage, he may. He's got to know you won't put up with BS. 1
Arieswoman Posted April 27, 2014 Posted April 27, 2014 Getthruit, You said, Found an email from when my fiancé and I had been dating for a few months Where you exclusive/monogamous at that time, or just "dating"?
Author Getthruit Posted April 27, 2014 Author Posted April 27, 2014 No, there's no way to prove be didn't go. I'm choosing to believe instead of asking to see the bank records because there was nothing prior to or since that was suspicious. At this point knowing that he thought about it is enough of a betrayal. I've been tested and so has he (just in case). What bothers me is that he can't seem to explain his thought process. I've asked for his motivation, what was he hoping to gain from this "experience". He can't give a concrete answer and says he really didn't think it through until it came time to go and then he just bailed. He said it was a really stupid mistake. We've talked it to death and I don't think that I'm ever going to get the "why" answered so that's the reason for my post. To hear from others who have gone down this road. We we definitely exclusive during this time. Not just dating.
dichotomy Posted April 27, 2014 Posted April 27, 2014 A story from my therapist (psychiatrist) when I kept asking why people do crap. Three men are lost walking the desert. They are hot, thirsty, weak and they see a cactus. One of the men runs to it and throws himself on it, screaming in agony. The other two men run up, pull him off and ask him "what in the world were you thinking????!!!" The man replies "I dunno.... it seemed like a good idea at the time" 1
Davey L Posted April 27, 2014 Posted April 27, 2014 No, there's no way to prove be didn't go. I'm choosing to believe instead of asking to see the bank records because there was nothing prior to or since that was suspicious. At this point knowing that he thought about it is enough of a betrayal. I've been tested and so has he (just in case). What bothers me is that he can't seem to explain his thought process. I've asked for his motivation, what was he hoping to gain from this "experience". He can't give a concrete answer and says he really didn't think it through until it came time to go and then he just bailed. He said it was a really stupid mistake. We've talked it to death and I don't think that I'm ever going to get the "why" answered so that's the reason for my post. To hear from others who have gone down this road. We we definitely exclusive during this time. Not just dating. He probably doesn't know why himself. I don't know why I do half the things I do.
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