Assistance required

[ThatOneGuyThat]

I'm a 18 year old guy who recently broke up with my girlfriend of 11 months. I am under no illusion that I will not find someone else, I understand I am very young. But that does not better my feelings at this stage. This is my second lengthy relationship, my first being 17 months. I can definitely say that my feelings for my recent ex are greater than any feelings I have felt before. I felt it was true love, and I believe she felt the same. I am a very trusting person in a relationship, as I feel that relationships should contain a lot of trust or they will fail.

 

I demonstrated this trust through not being worried about her going out drinking with work friends; one of which is a guy that likes her, not being concerned about talking to guy who have feelings for her. Was I wrong in placing so much trust? Over the latter months of the relationship she began talking to a guy who she served at work, who asked for her name to add her on facebook. To me this was a clear indication that he had interest in her, and when voicing this to her she did not believe me (At the end of the relationship I find she does know that he did and she just didn't want to admit it to herself due to her own insecurities).

 

Months prior to this also I feel like she has been distancing herself away from me, what I described to her as pushing me away. On the last day were together (Sunday), she seemed very distant and moody, she blamed it on her tiredness. I went to go play a game on her phone as I usually do, we are very open about the other going on the others phone. However, when I got to the phone she snatched it off me and gave the reasoning for this was that it needed charging. I was well aware that this was a lie and she was hiding something, however did not want to cause a confrontation. I asked her about her conversations with this new guy and she said he is very flirty, I demonstrated a concern towards this however it was not received.

 

The following day (Monday) I am contemplating the events of the previous night and question her on taking the phone from me, she says she was worried about him sending a next along of the line of "Hey beautiful", which I may have reacted badly to. An argument ensued as I felt betrayed as she hid something from me and lied to my face. Was I wrong in doing so, I may have over reacted? The same day of this argument she was going to his house, to which she returned back past midnight which I also did not react kindly to. However, in the morning (Tuesday) she sends a loving text detailing all the things we would normally say to eachother.

 

Me still feeling hurt carried on pursuing an argument which inevitably lead to a phone call discussing how hurt she was as she had never seen that side of me and that she wanted a break to evaluate. I pleaded not to and apologized profusely however it was not received. During this break I would contact her via text to vent my anger, which I should not have done. I should have given her space. During this week she also spent almost every day with this guy (Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday; what we'd describe as our day, Thursday, and Friday), which I felt was very hurtful. On the Friday, Saturday and Sunday I did not contact her at all. On the Monday however I mentioned we should meet on Wednesday as we need to talk, she later texts me saying we should meet on the Tuesday.

 

I was very certain she was going to break up with me and began pleading again, however she would not admit whether she was breaking up with me or not. The Tuesday comes and we meet, I come to her with a bunch of roses and chocolates telling her how sorry I was for how I acted. To which she responded very coldly. We sit down and she begins to break up with me, I am obviously very hurt and distressed, she says that she no longer loved me anymore. She then tells me what happened on Friday between her and the guy, she says that he kissed her and she did nothing to stop it, saying she was confused and hurt. I became very aggravated by this and began crying, then she began crying too and attempted to comfort me.

 

I began asking her about their relationship whether she had feelings for him, if she was flirting back while we were together or during the break, also what they did with there time together. She states she has no feelings for him, however she did feel happy with him as he would comfort her as I could not due to her needing to be comforted over our argument. We both began to calm down and decided to part ways, we decided to have one last kiss and embrace then we left.

 

Over the next few days we started talking and I continued to ask for her back, to no avail. The two of them have been getting very close, and I can't help but keep checking up on her, I've decided to go NC as that is the only way. I would like her back but I guess right now I'm just confused. Would it be right to take her back? What do you guys think of the situation?

 

Sorry it's so long.

Edited April 26, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Strength in Healing]

Gotta break things into paragraphs next time, no joke.

 

There is nothing you CAN do but go NC and give her space. She's just a kid, she has no idea what she wants. Let her walk the path and find out. The best you can do is distance yourself and appear confident and independent.

 

Confidence is a stain that can't be wiped off. Make that your mentality. Now it comes down to how you are remembered, brother. Go out strong.

[ThatOneGuyThat]

Sorry about the paragraphs, it's my first time thought they'd format better.

Thanks for your advice, I've spent alot of time reading articles on the site for advice.

What are your answers to some of the questions posed? Thanks again.

[Strength in Healing]

You didn't over react.

 

And no, taking her back would go nowhere except get you into more of the same. She is exploring, and it can't be stopped. You can only let her explore. All you can do is not beg, and not look needy. You need to look at this for what it is now.

 

You can either beg and get nowhere and be remembered weak, or step back and go full no contact and appear strong and desirable.

[ebor]

I don't get why you want to take her back, and I also don't buy the ''she's exploring part'' She basically cheated on you, she intentionally got close to the other guy and allowed this to happen.

 

This was pre-meditated this didn't happen overnight, that's a huge character flaw and you trying to get her back enables it.

 

You trusting her was the right thing to do in a healthy relationship but she abused it.

 

I think you know what you should do and It's hard but that's the only option.

[ThatOneGuyThat]

I guess I'm just young and confused, hence why I wanted her back. And that's just immature of me. You're right she did basically cheat on me, and that is basically unforgivable. Thanks for the thoughts ebor, it's really nice to hear other peoples opinions on the matter and so far it is further cementing my decision.

[ebor]

Don't be hard on yourself, as you said you're young but very mature for your age. People (I) make much worse decisions when I am IN the situation compared to an outside observer!

 

Just know you need to be strong and use all the emotional energy to bring a positive change in your life instead of self-defeating behaviors.

 

Good luck

[ThatOneGuyThat]

Thanks ebor, for such profound words. I'm definitely trying to channel this energy. Any thoughts in how I could get more responses to this post, I'm really interested in hearing more peoples thoughts, specifically on my own actions so I can further better myself.

[ebor]

I don't know about getting more people to respond.... but dividing it into paragraphs and removing I'm 18 year old, since I almost stopped reading I thought it was one of those '' He didn't say Hi when he passed by me threads''.

 

I think you just need to relax now, you will have plenty of time to do decide what to do with, in terms of improving, yourself.

 

But I think it's an obvious NC(No contact) about your ex, no peaking on social media, no how is she doing, I absolutely NC. And you will start to see changes.

 

The NC thing Is a no brainer, even if you get 100 people to chine in they will tell you the exact same thing!

[giblesp]

Its good that you were trusting and not jealous, thats a sign of self security. You might have had that trust misplaced, but it also means that you found out who this girl was quicker.

 

It looks like she was leading him on in the texts, by not closing him down straight away. Its not too hard for a girl to make it clear she's taken and not interested. Unless you were mis treating her in some way, I'm sure you weren't, then that is untrustworthy and selfish of her.

 

You've dodged a bullet. She is clearly not what you wanted in a woman.