nightmare01 Posted April 25, 2014 Posted April 25, 2014 Im not really sure if this is the place for me. I am a betrayed husband. Dday was back in July of 2001. My wife had a long term affair with a coworker. It started as a emotional affair that lasted for between 6 and 8 years. (who can tell when a EA starts?) Then became a physical affair and lasted another 3+ years. My wife has shown regret but not remorse. She says she can not have empathy for my feelings because she can not imagine being in my place. She continually resists giving up her privacy. She will do it but she resents doing so. It has been a very VERY hard road for me. At first I stayed because our children were young and I could not stand the thought of the other man having anything to do with them. But now I wish I had just divorced her right after Dday. We are still together and to all outward appearances we seem to have a good marriage. Inside though I still suffer daily. It just doesnt go away.
gettingstronger Posted April 25, 2014 Posted April 25, 2014 I am sorry you have suffered for so long. Seems to me that you have done more than your part and she feels like she has 'gotten away" with it. Go ahead and be a little selfish-consider freeing yourself of her- Best of luck! 6
Man Mountain Makino Posted April 25, 2014 Posted April 25, 2014 Im not really sure if this is the place for me. I am a betrayed husband. Dday was back in July of 2001. My wife had a long term affair with a coworker. It started as a emotional affair that lasted for between 6 and 8 years. (who can tell when a EA starts?) Then became a physical affair and lasted another 3+ years. My wife has shown regret but not remorse. She says she can not have empathy for my feelings because she can not imagine being in my place. She continually resists giving up her privacy. She will do it but she resents doing so. It has been a very VERY hard road for me. At first I stayed because our children were young and I could not stand the thought of the other man having anything to do with them. But now I wish I had just divorced her right after Dday. We are still together and to all outward appearances we seem to have a good marriage. Inside though I still suffer daily. It just doesnt go away. Difficult situation, pal. I'm sorry. May I ask what exactly does she regret? Her long term relationship? Getting caught? Having to deal with this now?
BrokenPrincess Posted April 25, 2014 Posted April 25, 2014 So she was cheating on you for 9-11years total until your DDay 13 years ago? You've been together 25+ years? How old are your kids now? 2
badkarma2013 Posted April 25, 2014 Posted April 25, 2014 i will post this again All WSs and BSs should read this...this all is very true it's the little triggers, little stabs that will be there even 5 years from now, or 10, or 20. It's the disbelief BS feels and will always feel, never quite understanding how WS could have done that. But WS did. WS may have said over and over that they have told the full truth and BS might have decided to believe them. But BS always knows that WS has told them as much truth as WS thought was necessary, not the 100% truth that BS thought was necessary. WS will NEVER reveal what they were really thinking at the time. BS will be left with nagging doubts FOREVER, powerless to do anything about it because BS wasn't there or wasn't inside WS's head. That is the hardest thing to live with. EA or PA. A month or a year. Sex once or a hundred times. One lie or fifty. It doesn't matter. All the damage was done in the moment that WS took that step. It destroyed what was, and what will never be the same again no matter what WS does. That time is gone. BS thought WS was someone they could trust with their life, their best friend in the world, their confidant, someone who would always stand by them. That's what BS thought, and BS was wrong, so wrong. BS sometimes remembers what it was like when there wasn't that little cloud overhead. And feels a pang as they think of when the sky was blue. BS would have never chosen this for themselves. Yet somehow they found themselves in it. Now it's Plan B. And it will always be Plan B. R is the Plan B version of marriage. It might be a strange thing to say, but so grievous is the wound of betrayal that had WS died, the pain would be easier. The sadness would be a different kind of sadness. A more tolerable kind of sadness. I could not nor would i EVER forget what my WW did.....i filed for D...I think had I stayed and tried to R ...I truly think this would have been my future! 1
harrybrown Posted April 25, 2014 Posted April 25, 2014 After all that long, she replaced you. Free yourself. File for divorce. She has no empathy for you. She does not love you, if she ever did. She gave her heart to the OM. Was the OM married? Did you expose to his wife? Time to free yourself, file for divorce and find someone that really cares about you. Sorry, but that long is so unreal. Did you DNA your children? So she said that you had an open marriage and just forgot to tell you. This is horrible. What kind of person does this? She stopped loving you, if she ever did. Has she gone NC with the OM? How did you find out? 6
dichotomy Posted April 25, 2014 Posted April 25, 2014 (edited) It has been a very VERY hard road for me. At first I stayed because our children were young and I could not stand the thought of the other man having anything to do with them. But now I wish I had just divorced her right after Dday. We are still together and to all outward appearances we seem to have a good marriage. Inside though I still suffer daily. It just doesnt go away. Don't beat yourself up too bad on this, another man taking over even part time dad role in your place, you loosing some access and daily interaction with them - and decisions about their life..... And money. You made the choice you thought best for you and your kids at the time . I don't read a "I could not stand to loose her" in your reasons which would be a different place to have been in. But as mentioned - I imagine your kids are out of the home - or nearly out of the home. Do your kids know about their moms affair? Did you ever have Marriage therapy for this? Whats keeping you married now? What are you doing for YOU in your life these days? Edited April 25, 2014 by dichotomy 4
BetrayedH Posted April 25, 2014 Posted April 25, 2014 I think the most significant factor in a successful reconciliation is having a truly remorseful wayward spouse. Her hesitation to be fully transparent does not speak to true remorse. A truly remorseful wayward spouse would be proactive in rebuilding trust. I think you've spent enough time on this marriage. Unfortunately, it doesn't sound like you ever truly reconciled; you just remained married. There's a big difference IMO. Stop throwing good money after bad. 3
MrMeh Posted April 25, 2014 Posted April 25, 2014 She doesn't feel remorse because she doesn't feel like she lost anything in importance by getting caught. Your relationship is simply a label to her, nothing more. Do yourself a favor and extricate yourself from her selfishness.
Author nightmare01 Posted April 25, 2014 Author Posted April 25, 2014 Thanks all for the replies. Let me try and answer some of the questions. Please pardon if I miss a few. May I ask what exactly does she regret? Her long term relationship? Getting caught? Having to deal with this now? Difficult to say because I cant read her mind. She has said that she regrets the LTA because of what it did to her. Maybe she feels guilty. At the same time I think she still blames "marriage problems" for her LTA.. she seems to forget that I was in the same marriage and I was not happy either. Add to that all her abusive behavior during the LTA. If "marriage problems" were the cause of the affair then I would have had one too. So she was cheating on you for 9-11years total until your DDay 13 years ago? You've been together 25+ years? How old are your kids now? Weve been married for over 35 years. Our kids are grown now and are on their own. They were in their early / mid teens on Dday. Why do I stay now? Habit I suppose. That and I am retired and if I divorce her I would loose allot of what I worked for. The pain of what I would loose is greater than the pain of staying.. for now. Divorce remains on the table though and it will probably always be there. EA or PA. A month or a year. Sex once or a hundred times. One lie or fifty. Sorry but I dont agree with this. A LTA (long term affair) is a different animal because it destroys so much of the marriage. Memories of things that seemed good at the time are now tainted. Also I tend to put some of the blame on me for not outing her affair sooner. My gut was screaming that something was wrong but I refused to believe it. So in a sense I betrayed myself. Was the OM married? Did you expose to his wife? OM was a serial cheater. He was a BH in his first marriage. Then an OM to his current wife (who was married when they met). OM and his wife have cheated on each other many times. I feel no sympathy for either BUT the people affected by their affairs (like me, collateral damage) a feel anger at OM and his wife over this because they are destroying so many others. OMs wife knew 2 years before I did. OM convinced her that I was a angry abusive husband that routinely beat and raped his (my) wife. None of it true of course. But because of that she didnt tell me and so the LTA went underground and continued for another 2 years. She doesn't feel remorse because she doesn't feel like she lost anything in importance by getting caught. That is very likely true. She got to have her fun and still got to keep the marriage along with the security and all that goes with it. Thanks again for the replies. 1
AlwaysGrowing Posted April 25, 2014 Posted April 25, 2014 More than likely you have built up resentment of your wife begrudgingly being transparent. Often, when the resentment is years in the making it is hard to let it go or to want to work on the issues that are making one resentful. Most, would have resentment if their WS had to be "forced" to make changes/amends. Personally, if I felt my partner required a warden/jail keeper/parent to follow through on repairing the relationship, I would say "see ya later". Not interested in another job or being someone else's conscience. 1
Buckeye2 Posted April 26, 2014 Posted April 26, 2014 (edited) That and I am retired and if I divorce her I would loose allot of what I worked for. The pain of what I would loose is greater than the pain of staying.. for now. Divorce remains on the table though and it will probably always be there. She got to have her fun and still got to keep the marriage along with the security and all that goes with it. I have been married for as long as you and my kids are also adults. It may be “cutting off my nose to spite my face” but I would want a divorce because she hasn’t earned the benefits of marriage. While both men and women enjoy the same benefits of marriage they tend to have different priorities. In general men find sex more important and women find companionship and security more important. It would drive me crazy to give my wife companionship and security as we grow old together when she lied to me and gave my sex to another man. I would want to take away her benefits. Like you, the only thing that would prevent me from divorcing is if the cost was just too high. Edited April 26, 2014 by Buckeye2 3
whichwayisup Posted April 26, 2014 Posted April 26, 2014 Im not really sure if this is the place for me. I am a betrayed husband. Dday was back in July of 2001. My wife had a long term affair with a coworker. It started as a emotional affair that lasted for between 6 and 8 years. (who can tell when a EA starts?) Then became a physical affair and lasted another 3+ years. My wife has shown regret but not remorse. She says she can not have empathy for my feelings because she can not imagine being in my place. She continually resists giving up her privacy. She will do it but she resents doing so. It has been a very VERY hard road for me. At first I stayed because our children were young and I could not stand the thought of the other man having anything to do with them. But now I wish I had just divorced her right after Dday. We are still together and to all outward appearances we seem to have a good marriage. Inside though I still suffer daily. It just doesnt go away. You have no real marriage, you've disconnected from her emotionally and she certainly has no respect for you. Reading what you wrote about her, that's awful. Shame on her - She can't feel empathy for you what felt, that betrayal and pain she caused you? You can divorce her now or tell her to wake up and get with the program, to be a better wife and a better person all around. 1
road Posted April 26, 2014 Posted April 26, 2014 nighmare, you are in recovery limbo. Because the work for recovery has not been done. Get the book Surviving An Affair by Dr Harley. It will give you the tools to attempt a real recovery. If that book does not help then you will know that you have done your all. Then you can divorce if you think you be better off.
Buckeye2 Posted April 26, 2014 Posted April 26, 2014 (edited) Did your wife confess or did you catch her? Do your friends and family know that your wife had an affair? If not your wife pretty much got away with it. It sound like she feels sorry for herself and that’s about it. You need to make it real to your wife. I would at least bluff and tell her that I wanted a divorce. Of course she could always call your bluff. People will want to know why you are divorcing and that will be your excuse to tell them about the affair. Women of your wife’s age care about relationships and their reputation more than most people. If family and friends don’t already know, this will freak her out. It will be the first real consequence she has suffered. You want to be a sympathetic figure, not mad or vindictive. You need to act sad and depressed (you might not be acting) and never angry or mad. You can be mad on the inside but never the outside. If you are angry it will make your wife the victim because she has to live with an angry man. People (including your wife) will tell you that you’re being ridiculous because it happened so many years ago. Tell the truth. Initially you stayed for the kids then you did you best to make it work. Now you’ve given up because it’s no use. You would be better off alone. If they tell you to try longer say “I’ve tried for 20 years, isn’t that long enough?” If the cost of divorce is too high then you can back down and everyone will know that you are working on R and she is a cheat. A LTA (long term affair) is a different animal because it destroys so much of the marriage. Memories of things that seemed good at the time are now tainted. The above is profound. I can really understand this in my gut. You have had to deal with the OM (or at least his memory) for the majority of your marriage. The energy that your wife could have used to improve your marriage was given to the OM. Also I tend to put some of the blame on me for not outing her affair sooner. My gut was screaming that something was wrong but I refused to believe it. So in a sense I betrayed myself. Cut yourself some slack here. Men tend to put their wives and especially the mother of their children on a pedestal. Of course women cheat but not their wife. That makes it hurt all the more when they find out that she did. Edited April 26, 2014 by Buckeye2 1
2sunny Posted April 26, 2014 Posted April 26, 2014 (edited) Your wife's lack of remorse and empathy is a total bummer. Since she seems to be void of caring about you - it's a wonder that you still care about her. It's all about her. She is selfish and may be narcissistic. 35 years of living with selfish and self centered - that's a lifetime of hell. It's a wonder you stayed. You've handed her too much of YOUR power. Have you done counseling to work on getting balance in your relationship? Most likely, it's not going to be possible now, after 35 years and an unremorseful wife... You've sentenced YOURSELF to a world of pain by staying. Why not leave? I left - after 23 years. It's pure freedom. Freedom from the betrayal, the lies, the pain and the pretending! It just feels better to be FREE! Edited April 26, 2014 by 2sunny 2
No Limit Posted April 26, 2014 Posted April 26, 2014 It's never too late to divorce. How old are your children now? 1
Steadfast Posted April 27, 2014 Posted April 27, 2014 The pain of what I would loose is greater than the pain of staying. Then you can't expect much of a change in your quality of life. This statement reeks of fear, and fear keeps us in bondage. Reconsider. The only other option is for your wife to do a 180, but even then, you might not be on board. I wouldn't expect her to change, and you're not willing, so... I betrayed myself. Yes and no. Hindsight is always 20-20 and I'd wager your children are very grateful their father was there for them full time. Don't regret staying. Staying for the kids is a very noble act...even if pretending to be happy isn't. Talk to your kids now and tell them the situation if you haven't. You just may find the support that's been missing from your life. Don't throw your life away. Live it! 2
2sunny Posted April 27, 2014 Posted April 27, 2014 Since you're planning on staying further - I'd get busy living a full life all on your own while still married to her... Take trips without her. Go do things that interest you without her. If anyone asks - tell them you intend to live a little and she hasn't earned the right to be your partner moving forward. Get busy living. 2
Charlie Harper Posted April 27, 2014 Posted April 27, 2014 But now I wish I had just divorced her right after Dday. We are still together and to all outward appearances we seem to have a good marriage. Inside though I still suffer daily. It just doesnt go away. Divorce, don't waste your life, your situation is similar to mine, my advice divorce and move on, you will be surprised how many persons out there can make your life much better... 3
bubbaganoosh Posted April 27, 2014 Posted April 27, 2014 My wife has shown regret but not remorse. She says she can not have empathy for my feelings because she can not imagine being in my place. She continually resists giving up her privacy. She will do it but she resents doing so. Anyone with a half a mind would know that a broken leg would hurt. Just because her leg isn't broke she couldn't know that it would be painful? What she is to me is someone whose so completely self absorbed in herself that as long as she isn't the one hurting then it doesn't matter. Do this. Give yourself a early Christmas gift. File for divorce and if she still works at her job, have her served there and when she comes home, or calls, let her know that you can't understand her hurt because your not in her place and leave it at that. Move on and enjoy the rest of your life without dragging this unemotional drone along with you. You'll love your new life. 3
Author nightmare01 Posted April 28, 2014 Author Posted April 28, 2014 Thanks again for your replies. Ive had to emotionally distance myself from WW, which I have done over the last 7 or 8 years. Until then I was hoping that something I could do or say would throw a switch in WW that would enable her to have some kind of remorse that I could recognize. It took a long time because my hopes were so strong. But in time I realized that our M could never be healed if I was the only one working on recovery. So I emotionally distanced myself. I do things that satisfy me, validate me, and make me feel better. Ive started new hobbies and made new friends. This to me seems the best I can do since I have decided to stay in the M. Someone asked if family/friends know. Our children do not know. A few of our close friends do know. 1
harrybrown Posted April 28, 2014 Posted April 28, 2014 How did you find out on D-day1 and on D-day2? She still has no remorse? I have been married for 39 years and feel like I will never know the complete truth. I am staying until one last thing occurs. It may take a year or two, but this is no way to live the rest of my life. She has no consequences. Why not expose now to let her realize that there are consequences? Did she tell you that you were her backup plan? Your situation is hitting close to home, but I hope my wife's A was for not as long. You are a better man than me, I could not stand to be in the same house with her.
Chi townD Posted April 28, 2014 Posted April 28, 2014 Dude, that's no way to be living your life. Have you guys even considered marriage counseling? Never too late to try. But, you two are in what's supposed to be the best years of your lives and you're living as roommates.
Author nightmare01 Posted April 28, 2014 Author Posted April 28, 2014 Marriage Counselors. Yeh. Did you know that one of professions with the highest rate of affairs is marriage counselor? We went through 3 MCs. None were worth jack. WW confessed on her own in a email to me while I was traveling on business. She said she had tried to end the LTA before but kept slipping back in. Confessing was her way of burning that bridge. 1
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