BetrayedH Posted April 25, 2014 Posted April 25, 2014 I would imagine he isn't honest with either of us. He wants to tell her about us, leave her and move in with me. I don't want him moving straight in with me. Yeah, he says that's what he wants but yet here he is, still engaged to marry another woman. Sorry, that's a discrepancy the size of the Grand Canyon. It makes me think that he's, you know, lying. Definitely smart on your part to avoid the whole moving in together right away thing. I think the best thing is to get the ball out of your court. Whether or not he marries this woman shouldn't remotely be something that you're involved with, right? That's up to him. A good boundary for you would be to say that you have no interest in being involved with a man that's in a committed relationship and if he ever finds himself fully disentangled, he's welcome to ask you on a proper date.
2sunny Posted April 25, 2014 Posted April 25, 2014 I think the OM is full of crap. I think he wouldn't take action even if OP begged him to - and that's why OP keeps the cycle going by telling him not to end it with his fiancé. Look, the guy is a jerk. Why be friends/and or lovers with a complete jerk who offers fake propositions? It's a game he plays with you - it's crappy of him. Stop believing his crap. 1
Davey L Posted April 25, 2014 Posted April 25, 2014 I guess the best thing is to ask him for neither. Maybe suggest to him that he shouldn't be marrying this woman if he is prepared to leave her. But promise him nothing - maybe tell him something like you'll think about it if he doesn't marry her, leaves her and waits 6 months or a year and is still of the same mind. At the moment it seems as though he is perhaps playing one woman off against another. 1
forbidden_love Posted April 25, 2014 Posted April 25, 2014 What I did under a similar situation (no cheating) but a HS BF came back to me days before his wedding telling me that if I said I loved him, he'd end his relationship & call off the wedding. I replied that I wasn't going to say anything but since he was here making this declaration, he should think long & hard about getting married. He married her anyway. They have been married for almost 25 years. I saw him a few years ago. He actually thanked me for not letting him ruin his life.. I really find it hard to believe some one would say those words if so, sounds like you were the one who escaped the bullet:eek:
gettingstronger Posted April 25, 2014 Posted April 25, 2014 I hope the implication here is not that she should have told him she loved him to prevent a wedding. That's a bit much. Not sure I am following you- all I am saying if he did not want to marry this other person, he wouldn't- 1
Author devonlady Posted April 25, 2014 Author Posted April 25, 2014 I guess the best thing is to ask him for neither. Maybe suggest to him that he shouldn't be marrying this woman if he is prepared to leave her. But promise him nothing - maybe tell him something like you'll think about it if he doesn't marry her, leaves her and waits 6 months or a year and is still of the same mind. At the moment it seems as though he is perhaps playing one woman off against another. I have said before if you dont love her leave her and not because of me. That's a really good idea, I wish I'd never been such an idiot and got myself in this situation, I know what I have to do and I will do it. I dont like myself at the moment but it won't be easy
2sunny Posted April 25, 2014 Posted April 25, 2014 I hope the implication here is not that she should have told him she loved him to prevent a wedding. That's a bit much. Not sure I am following you- all I am saying if he did not want to marry this other person, he wouldn't- Unless he's so afraid to be alone he needs to make empty and false promises to multiple women.
Author devonlady Posted April 25, 2014 Author Posted April 25, 2014 I think the OM is full of crap. I think he wouldn't take action even if OP begged him to - and that's why OP keeps the cycle going by telling him not to end it with his fiancé. Look, the guy is a jerk. Why be friends/and or lovers with a complete jerk who offers fake propositions? It's a game he plays with you - it's crappy of him. Stop believing his crap. He would end it if I asked him to, that isn't me believing crap I just know that is the truth. I don't want him to move straight in with me and id actually like to date him openly to make sure its right. I don't keep the cycle going so it can still go on I just wont be the only reason he ends it. Ive known this man for a long time, im sure some of what he says is complete rubbish and I know I can't stay with him and that's not because hes playing a game with me but because I can't be the reason someone gets hurt
2sunny Posted April 25, 2014 Posted April 25, 2014 He would end it if I asked him to, that isn't me believing crap I just know that is the truth. I don't want him to move straight in with me and id actually like to date him openly to make sure its right. I don't keep the cycle going so it can still go on I just wont be the only reason he ends it. Ive known this man for a long time, im sure some of what he says is complete rubbish and I know I can't stay with him and that's not because hes playing a game with me but because I can't be the reason someone gets hurt But you already are hurting someone. And you keep contradicting yourself. Make a decision - then stick to it.
Author devonlady Posted April 25, 2014 Author Posted April 25, 2014 But you already are hurting someone. And you keep contradicting yourself. Make a decision - then stick to it. Im aware im hurting someone, she would be alot more hurt if I let it continue. I have made a decision and I will stick to it
2sunny Posted April 25, 2014 Posted April 25, 2014 I think if he didn't want to marry her - he wouldn't intend to - and wouldn't have asked her.
BHsigh Posted April 26, 2014 Posted April 26, 2014 I have said before if you dont love her leave her and not because of me. That's a really good idea, I wish I'd never been such an idiot and got myself in this situation, I know what I have to do and I will do it. I dont like myself at the moment but it won't be easy Just remember, you may have put yourself in a bad situation, and you may not like yourself right now, but you recognize that you've done wrong and are working to fix it. You are now doing the right thing, and you're not making excuses for yourself, this makes you a good person that's learning from, owning and fixing their bad choices. 1
Loverbull Posted April 26, 2014 Posted April 26, 2014 Ask him to leave her. If you truly love each other and I mean deeply, do it. I joined a website to meet someone just for a sexual relationship, nothing more. Not long after the affair started, we fell in love. I don't know how old you are, but I am in my 50s and thought for the last 40 years of my life knowing what love was, it wasn't until I met her a few years ago that I found out what true love was. She got to the point of not coping with me going home to my wife, but couldn't bring herself to get me to leave my wife for her, not wanting to hurt her like she had been hurt that way herself. So she ended it as she couldn't see a way forward. 18 months have gone by since we were together, she now lives in Australia with a man she says makes her happy, but does not mention love. I still hurt like hell and hurting now as I write this. Please, if it really is true love, take it. You will go through the rest of your life filled with regret if you don't. Whatever you do, I wish you well. Dave x
2sunny Posted April 26, 2014 Posted April 26, 2014 If he wants to leave her he will do it. He shouldn't even be thinking of moving straight in with you if he leaves her. Why isn't he capable of thinking of being independent and in his own? If you stay away, distance yourself, it will play out in time - and you will see what he's all about.
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