devonlady Posted April 25, 2014 Posted April 25, 2014 Will try to keep this short. Im currently having an affair with someone I work with, I left my partner as I felt so guilty but he is with someone and due to marry her in a month. He told me he would leave her for me and I stupidly said no it wasn't fair this close to the wedding. We were friends a long time before anything happened and so I know that hes in an unhappy relationship. We love each other but I hate the sneaking about and the guilt. Would you ask him to leave her or walk away
gettingstronger Posted April 25, 2014 Posted April 25, 2014 Walk away- my guess is that he wouldn't leave her anyway and he appears to be untrustworthy- cut your losses and move on- 2
d0nnivain Posted April 25, 2014 Posted April 25, 2014 What I did under a similar situation (no cheating) but a HS BF came back to me days before his wedding telling me that if I said I loved him, he'd end his relationship & call off the wedding. I replied that I wasn't going to say anything but since he was here making this declaration, he should think long & hard about getting married. He married her anyway. They have been married for almost 25 years. I saw him a few years ago. He actually thanked me for not letting him ruin his life. 7
Sub Posted April 25, 2014 Posted April 25, 2014 Does your partner know you left him because of the A you're having? And how did he find someone else and plan to get married so soon? Can you be a little clearer with the timeline?
Author devonlady Posted April 25, 2014 Author Posted April 25, 2014 Walk away- my guess is that he wouldn't leave her anyway and he appears to be untrustworthy- cut your losses and move on- He would leave her I had to get quite angry on the phone to stop him. I really want to just be with him but not sure I can live with the guilt.
BHsigh Posted April 25, 2014 Posted April 25, 2014 Will try to keep this short. Im currently having an affair with someone I work with, I left my partner as I felt so guilty but he is with someone and due to marry her in a month. He told me he would leave her for me and I stupidly said no it wasn't fair this close to the wedding. We were friends a long time before anything happened and so I know that hes in an unhappy relationship. We love each other but I hate the sneaking about and the guilt. Would you ask him to leave her or walk away Why would you want to be the second choice? If he is your friend, why would you want him to marry someone that he is unhappy with? And why would you think that him leaving her before the wedding is unfair, and yet an affair isn't? I think that's the most "fair" option all around. 3
BHsigh Posted April 25, 2014 Posted April 25, 2014 He would leave her I had to get quite angry on the phone to stop him. I really want to just be with him but not sure I can live with the guilt. devonlady, I think that your guilt is misplaced here, you don't have to feel guilty if he leaves a relationship for you, that is what a person should do if they love someone else. Having the affair is what you should feel guilty about. 2
Author devonlady Posted April 25, 2014 Author Posted April 25, 2014 Does your partner know you left him because of the A you're having? And how did he find someone else and plan to get married so soon? Can you be a little clearer with the timeline? Sorry. I told my ex partner the truth but I hadn't slept with the person who in having an A with at this point. Ive been having the A for 3 months he has been with his fiance for nearly two years
Author devonlady Posted April 25, 2014 Author Posted April 25, 2014 devonlady, I think that your guilt is misplaced here, you don't have to feel guilty if he leaves a relationship for you, that is what a person should do if they love someone else. Having the affair is what you should feel guilty about. Very true and I do feel really guilty
dichotomy Posted April 25, 2014 Posted April 25, 2014 Will try to keep this short. Im currently having an affair with someone I work with, I left my partner as I felt so guilty but he is with someone and due to marry her in a month. He told me he would leave her for me and I stupidly said no it wasn't fair this close to the wedding. We were friends a long time before anything happened and so I know that hes in an unhappy relationship. We love each other but I hate the sneaking about and the guilt. Would you ask him to leave her or walk away An interesting question for you...what if YOU were about to marry him and you found out he made this offer with an ex love?
BetrayedH Posted April 25, 2014 Posted April 25, 2014 I think it would be a travesty to let his fiance go through a wedding when he's actively cheating on her. Why the hell would he even want to do that? Is this the kind of man you want to be with? I give you credit for having left your ex partner before your affair became physical. Frankly, it doesn't sound like you're a person that's really ok with cheating or being a participant in a betrayal. That's a good thing. So stop being a participant in her betrayal. Tell this guy that you want no contact with him at all until such time as he's completely disentangled. And if your conscience isn't speaking loudly enough to do that, then go ask the betrayed fiance what she thinks should happen. 6
Furious Posted April 25, 2014 Posted April 25, 2014 Will try to keep this short. Im currently having an affair with someone I work with, I left my partner as I felt so guilty but he is with someone and due to marry her in a month. He told me he would leave her for me and I stupidly said no it wasn't fair this close to the wedding. We were friends a long time before anything happened and so I know that hes in an unhappy relationship. We love each other but I hate the sneaking about and the guilt. Would you ask him to leave her or walk away Putting his fiancé through a farce wedding is beyond cruel. You and your lover should both tell her the truth. She will most likely be devastated in the short term but it will allow her to move on and you and your affair partner can be together authentically. Put this idea on the table to your affair partner. His reaction will be telling in many ways. 2
Author devonlady Posted April 25, 2014 Author Posted April 25, 2014 I think it would be a travesty to let his fiance go through a wedding when he's actively cheating on her. Why the hell would he even want to do that? Is this the kind of man you want to be with? I give you credit for having left your ex partner before your affair became physical. Frankly, it doesn't sound like you're a person that's really ok with cheating or being a participant in a betrayal. That's a good thing. So stop being a participant in her betrayal. Tell this guy that you want no contact with him at all until such time as he's completely disentangled. And if your conscience isn't speaking loudly enough to do that, then go ask the betrayed fiance what she thinks should happen. I know your right and I know that is what I need to do. You some times need others to point out the obvious to you. I know its beyond horrible to get married when you are cheating I just can't bear the thought of destroying someone. Answers my own question dosent it really 2
Author devonlady Posted April 25, 2014 Author Posted April 25, 2014 An interesting question for you...what if YOU were about to marry him and you found out he made this offer with an ex love? I wouldn't marry him. I know it doesn't say much for him that hes doing this but I'm equally as bad. Think I need a new job and walk away see what happens. Thank you for all your advice
2sunny Posted April 25, 2014 Posted April 25, 2014 I wouldn't marry him. I know it doesn't say much for him that hes doing this but I'm equally as bad. Think I need a new job and walk away see what happens. Thank you for all your advice A new job might be a great change - new opportunities for you to start fresh. He will do whatever he chooses - you obviously don't hold all the power to stop him from marrying her. Cut him loose - why would you want to invest any time/energy in a cheater? I'd quit today and block all communication with him. But that's just me - I like a chance to start over.
BHsigh Posted April 25, 2014 Posted April 25, 2014 I know your right and I know that is what I need to do. You some times need others to point out the obvious to you. I know its beyond horrible to get married when you are cheating I just can't bear the thought of destroying someone. Answers my own question dosent it really It does, she's already being destroyed, she just doesn't know it yet. 1
gettingstronger Posted April 25, 2014 Posted April 25, 2014 You say he would leave her but his actions say otherwise. If he wanted to leave her, he would. He does not need your permission.
No Limit Posted April 25, 2014 Posted April 25, 2014 No offense but whatever it takes, shoot the priest at the altar (beware the sarcasm), I don't care, but this marriage ought to be prevented. There's a lady about to have her life ruined. 2
Author devonlady Posted April 25, 2014 Author Posted April 25, 2014 You say he would leave her but his actions say otherwise. If he wanted to leave her, he would. He does not need your permission. I never said he needed my permission
BHsigh Posted April 25, 2014 Posted April 25, 2014 I never said he needed my permission No, he did, by asking you and then not leaving her when you said no. 1
gettingstronger Posted April 25, 2014 Posted April 25, 2014 No, he did, by asking you and then not leaving her when you said no. Actually she just let him off the hook-if he wanted to leave her, he would have and no one or nothing would stop him-
BetrayedH Posted April 25, 2014 Posted April 25, 2014 I know your right and I know that is what I need to do. You some times need others to point out the obvious to you. I know its beyond horrible to get married when you are cheating I just can't bear the thought of destroying someone. Answers my own question dosent it really You find yourself stuck in the same position as many others before you. You just took too many of the easier options. It's funny how the right choice is rarely the easier one. Now you're left with a choice to go further into the rabbit hole or to start digging your way out. Sadly, many people have to hit rock bottom before they stop. If you do that, you'll have a long ways to go before you get outta there. Conversely, the sooner you start making decisions that you can be proud of, the sooner you'll be proud of yourself again. The right thing to do is usually pretty obvious when you put some thought into it; we do a lot of avoiding that introspection when we want to keep doing bad things that feel good. The task before you now is not figuring out the right thing; it's finding the courage to do it. I have every confidence that you can. I'm sure that leaving your ex was not easy so you've made hard decisions before. You're at a critical juncture now. If you get on the right path here, you're going to save yourself a lot of grief. You may also stop this woman from entering into a sham of a marriage and even help your wayward boyfriend to start living a more honest and authentic life. You wouldn't believe the number of "other women" I see here that go 3-4 YEARS before they finally throw in the towel on their married man. The coward of a man has two women on the line when he doesn't deserve either. It's gawd-awful. One woman is betrayed and wasting years of her life and the other sits and cries on the sidelines and is usually left. In the end, she doesn't even expose the affair to the wife out of a bizarre sense of loyalty, endlessly clinging to the hope that she meant something to him. Married man wins and both women lose. Stop this before you find yourself there.
BetrayedH Posted April 25, 2014 Posted April 25, 2014 (edited) You say he would leave her but his actions say otherwise. If he wanted to leave her, he would. He does not need your permission. I think the point being made here is that he is an adult man and should not have left you to be the bad guy in telling him what to do. He doesn't want to be the bad guy. It's conflict-avoidance and cowardice. Beyond that, what he wants kinda remains a mystery, doesn't it? When that happens, it's usually wise to look for actions rather than words. His current actions are that he's marrying someone else. If I really loved a woman, I would move mountains to be with her. So why leave that choice up to you? Is it coincidence that ultimately he gets to look like you had the option and turned him down? That seems pretty convenient for him. And in the meantime, he's telling another woman that he loves her and intends to marry her. Why all the mystery about what he really wants? What are his real intentions and motivations? Is he just lying to her or both of you? Maybe he wants a wife AND a lover on the side. How much of this are you signing up for? Edited April 25, 2014 by BetrayedH
Author devonlady Posted April 25, 2014 Author Posted April 25, 2014 I think the point being made here is that he is an adult man and should not have left you to be the bad guy in telling him what to do. He doesn't want to be the bad guy. It's conflict-avoidance and cowardice. Beyond that, what he wants kinda remains a mystery, doesn't it? When that happens, it's usually wise to look for actions rather than words. His current actions are that he's marrying someone else. If I really loved a woman, I would move mountains to be with her. So why leave that choice up to you? Is it coincidence that ultimately he gets to look like you had the option and turned him down? That seems pretty convenient for him. And in the meantime, he's telling another woman that he loves her and intends to marry her. Why all the mystery about what he really wants? What are his real intentions and motivations? Is he just lying to her or both of you? Maybe he wants a wife AND a lover on the side. How much of this are you signing up for? I would imagine he isn't honest with either of us. He wants to tell her about us, leave her and move in with me. I don't want him moving straight in with me.
janedoe67 Posted April 25, 2014 Posted April 25, 2014 No, he did, by asking you and then not leaving her when you said no. Actually she just let him off the hook-if he wanted to leave her, he would have and no one or nothing would stop him- I hope the implication here is not that she should have told him she loved him to prevent a wedding. That's a bit much.
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