opal-elle Posted April 25, 2014 Posted April 25, 2014 Hi there guys, I joined this forum last year but didn't really post much. But now I'm in serious need of some guidance and reassurance. I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for over 3 years now. To put it bluntly I'm absolutely in llove with him, he is my best friend and he makes me so happy. Recently though our arguing has been getting worse, mainly started by me. Now he's acting so cold and distant and it's breaking my heart. I don't want to lose him and I feel so angry at myself for arguing over pointless things. I've already apologised and assured him that I'm over this negative mood I've been in but he still seems distant. For example he rang me 6 times whilst my phone was on silent last night and he sent me a text saying "Okay. You're obviously not in the mood to talk or you're doing something important. Either way I'll talk to you next week" I checked my phone only two minutes after he sent that text and when I rang him back he said "You just did exactly what I thought you was going to do" (Regarding him saying he'll talk to me next week and me responding straight away). It makes me think that he only said that to get me to call him. But when I asked him why he won't talk to me until next week he said that he was going to be with his nephews and cleaning the house? Okay then. I did ring him this morning but he didn't pick up so I just dropped him a text asking him to ring me when he could. I just don't know what I can do to get things back to normal. I'm so scared and however sad it sounds I feel sick hearing the silence because he hasn't called. I don't feel like doing anything at all. Even crying is too much effort. I'm sorry about how pathetic this all sounds but I really do feel like my heart is breaking. How can I get our relationship back on track without nagging him anymore?
Cpt Posted April 25, 2014 Posted April 25, 2014 Sorry to hear you're going through this. Honestly your boyfriend probably just needs a little space. Let him come to you, and just be sincere about your wish to work things out. Now, the main issue... why have you been having negative moods? I believe if you don't have these silly arguments, then your relationship would be good again. But until you really look deep inside yourself, the same behaviour will continue and eventually could lead to the end of your relationship. I really like the part where you tell us how much you're in love with your bf, and how he makes you so happy, and how he is your best friend. But my question is, do you show that to him? I'm convinced you love him, but is he convinced? Kind of hard through all of that arguing don't you think? Good luck!
Author opal-elle Posted April 25, 2014 Author Posted April 25, 2014 I'm not really sure why I've been in such a negative mood lately. I know that I'm incredibly insecure mainly due to my dad having an affair a few years ago and it's made me read into every little thing that my boyfriend does. Lately all I've been doing is nagging him over every stupid little thing and I regret it so much now. I've just felt very down in myself and I've took it out on him. I am so angry that I might lose the love of my life because of this. He knows I care. I'm always the one to constantly talk to him first nowadays. I always let him know how much I love him. I'm willing to give him space but it's just hard. All sorts of things are going through my head.
Author opal-elle Posted April 25, 2014 Author Posted April 25, 2014 (edited) Thank you for your reply and thank you for helping me. It means a lot. I guess I'm lonely. I don't have any friends anymore, we just grew apart and they got their own lives. I've also recently been made unemployed and I feel useless. I want to start applying to jobs to occupy myself but I feel too down about the situation with my boyfriend. I'm willing to change my attitude and get this relationship back on track but it just feels like me who's trying. If I give him space it makes me feel like he'll forget about me or realise that life without me is better. I nagged him about everything. If he didn't call me on time, complaining that he sounded "off" with me when he was probably just tired. I was just always moody with him for no reason and I'm so disgusted with myself because I know that's not the real person I am. Deep down I know I'm a happy person but I don't know where she went. So the last time I contacted was a couple of hours ago asking me to ring me when he could. He hasn't yet. If he doesn't later what should I do? Just back off for a bit? He also got paid today so I'm guessing he'll be having a good time without me. Edited April 25, 2014 by opal-elle
Author opal-elle Posted April 25, 2014 Author Posted April 25, 2014 Okay thank you. I'm not going to call him anymore until he decides to reach out. Though I've noticed when I do back off a bit he gets sort of pissed off with me? Like last night. Can never really win. He's naturally quite a stubborn guy.
Emilia Posted April 25, 2014 Posted April 25, 2014 Sounds like he thinks you resort to passive aggressive behaviour and he doesn't trust you anymore. Hence his comments when you didn't answer the phone. He felt you didn't pick up on purpose - why would he have tried to call 6 times otherwise? I gather you play little games of control with each other. The trust goes, as a result. 2
Author opal-elle Posted April 25, 2014 Author Posted April 25, 2014 I suppose the only "game" I've played is just purposely not answering the phone sometimes (not last night though, I was with family) just because I feel like I'm always available to him. What do you propose I do then without resorting to mind games? Because that's not what I want. I've already made it clear that I'm not going to be moody with him anymore alongside a heartfelt apology about my behaviour. Now what?
Andy_K Posted April 25, 2014 Posted April 25, 2014 I may be able to offer you his perspective here, but you aren't going to like it. I was once in the position of having a very argumentative girlfriend who would pick a lot of fights over nothing. I tried to deal with it and be a loving boyfriend, but as time went on my patience with it got thinner and eventually wore out. I stopped caring. She escalated her attempts to pick fights further to get the reaction she was used to, and broke down when she failed. As soon as her bluff was called, she caved in. Much like your boyfriend sees in you with that text and your immediate response. I realised at that point that all the fights about nothing weren't because she was short tempered. They were because she was insecure, afraid I didn't love her enough, and she needed to reassure herself in the only genuine way she knew how - by putting her foot down about something to get a reaction. I felt sorry for her, because by that point it was too late to save. I'd become detached. If I'd known sooner, I could have handled it in a different way. Things might have turned out differently. You may well have pushed your boyfriend too far already. If this is the case, don't make the same mistake in your next relationship. Also, if he does give things a chance, recognise that this isn't just about you being in a negative mood any more. He doesn't feel the way he used to. He doesn't see you as the same person he used to. That's a really hard setback to recover from. 2
soccerrprp Posted April 25, 2014 Posted April 25, 2014 Thank you for your reply and thank you for helping me. It means a lot. I guess I'm lonely. I don't have any friends anymore, we just grew apart and they got their own lives. I've also recently been made unemployed and I feel useless. I want to start applying to jobs to occupy myself but I feel too down about the situation with my boyfriend. I'm willing to change my attitude and get this relationship back on track but it just feels like me who's trying. If I give him space it makes me feel like he'll forget about me or realise that life without me is better. I nagged him about everything. If he didn't call me on time, complaining that he sounded "off" with me when he was probably just tired. I was just always moody with him for no reason and I'm so disgusted with myself because I know that's not the real person I am. Deep down I know I'm a happy person but I don't know where she went. So the last time I contacted was a couple of hours ago asking me to ring me when he could. He hasn't yet. If he doesn't later what should I do? Just back off for a bit? He also got paid today so I'm guessing he'll be having a good time without me. Interesting you say that you don't know why you've been moody so much lately, but point out that you've just lost your job, feel usesless b/c of it and don't have any friends...well, pretty good reasons to feel "something." Were things fine before you losing your job? Did you argue as much prior to this? These are stressful events, so you feeling "stressed" is understandable, but how you cope and project that is very important as you know. You seem to place a lot of blame on yourself for being nagging, argumentative, but you also claim that you are the one who initiates much more often...has that always been the case? Or just recently? You need to find a job. I think that will help you occupy much of your time with other things. It will also alleviate some of that stress. For now, I would let your bf have some time/space, but not too much. Don't wait too many days or weeks for him to respond. Give him a couple of days and check in with him. There's a time for NC and then there's a time for something else.
Author opal-elle Posted April 25, 2014 Author Posted April 25, 2014 Andy I can relate to that. However I don't think it's over just yet, I sort of feel like this may be the last chance I have to rebuild the relationship and I'm going to make sure I get over my insecurities to make this work. He rang me about 10 minutes ago on his lunch break. We spoke briefly about what he said last night and he just said that it was because he thought I was deliberately ignoring him and was mad because he wanted me to come over. We had some general chit chat and he told me that he'd ring me after he's finished work. At any rate, I was nice to him and no arguments. 1
milanlover Posted April 25, 2014 Posted April 25, 2014 Give him his space and he will bounce back to you 1
Hopeful30 Posted April 25, 2014 Posted April 25, 2014 Give him space. He obviously wants it, and he isn't expecting for you to give it to him. The more you nag and want to fix things by constantly calling and texting, the more you are putting energy towards the issues you are having. Let him ring you next week. Give him space and time to MISS you and clear his head, so that when you finally do talk, it won't be with a cluttered mind and many emotions, but more mature and level-headed.
Hopeful30 Posted April 25, 2014 Posted April 25, 2014 Okay thank you. I'm not going to call him anymore until he decides to reach out. Though I've noticed when I do back off a bit he gets sort of pissed off with me? Like last night. Can never really win. He's naturally quite a stubborn guy. No. He's not pissed with you because you didn't answer. He's pissed because you can't be mature about it and avoid his calls on purpose to continue this "game" that you guys are playing. And he probably knows it... given that the moment he said "fine ill talk to you next week" you call him right away, which is basically calling you on your bluff... that you knew he was calling and didn't answer until it became inconvenient for you not too. This has nothing to do with him being stubborn. I think you're projecting your own issues onto him...
ExpatInItaly Posted April 25, 2014 Posted April 25, 2014 No. He's not pissed with you because you didn't answer. He's pissed because you can't be mature about it and avoid his calls on purpose to continue this "game" that you guys are playing. And he probably knows it... given that the moment he said "fine ill talk to you next week" you call him right away, which is basically calling you on your bluff... that you knew he was calling and didn't answer until it became inconvenient for you not too. This has nothing to do with him being stubborn. I think you're projecting your own issues onto him... I agree. I have been in the boyfriend's position before and it is emotionally draining. This will continue unless you decide to make some changes in your own life, OP. Start applying to jobs immediately. Join hobby groups or a class to meet new people and make a few friends. Right now, it sounds as though your entire life revolves around your boyfriend. You need to find some balance and other distractions. Easier said than done, I realize. But you will feel a hundred times better for it! 2
ChooseTruth Posted April 25, 2014 Posted April 25, 2014 I suppose the only "game" I've played is just purposely not answering the phone sometimes (not last night though, I was with family) just because I feel like I'm always available to him. What do you propose I do then without resorting to mind games? Because that's not what I want. I've already made it clear that I'm not going to be moody with him anymore alongside a heartfelt apology about my behaviour. Now what? It sounds like there's some trust to rebuild after that, he's sensitive from being ignore before. He got mad because he thought you were ignoring him when he wanted you to come over (according to a later message of yours). I dunno if more space is the answer here. I think it sounds like he wants MORE of you and not to feel rejected and deceived. If you can answer the phone, answer it! I think HE was giving more space because you seemed to need it, which isn't really true. Then you give him more space when he really doesn't want, and then you guys are distant from all this space. That's my take anyway.
JANIE2406 Posted April 26, 2014 Posted April 26, 2014 Sorry to hear your story. It is hard when they do that. When I was with my ex-husband he used to do things like that. Overtime I learned that you have to mellow down. I mean, do not argue with him anymore even if he is being unreasonable. Wherever you do now he is going to think you are doing to provoke him. I used to just let go. Cook him something he liked it and just tell him dinner was ready. I mean, you can show that you care by doing small thing that he likes without saying anything. At least it worked for me and even now me and my ex husband are very good friends.
Treasa Posted April 26, 2014 Posted April 26, 2014 I think your boyfriend is being passive aggressive. Definitely give him space. Go out and start doing things that bring joy to your life. That will give you the same end result of not being so available to him, except you won't be playing games to do it. And if you're doing things that make you feel fulfilled, and are meeting new people and making new friends, chances are your mood is going to be better. Also, if he makes comments like he did, which would piss me off, don't call him back right away. I'd be all, "Yeah, ok, fine. He can contact me next week. Now when, what do I have on schedule for tonight?" He knows he can get a knee-jerk reaction out of you. That isn't helping. You need to gain control over your emotions and actions.
passion_flower Posted April 26, 2014 Posted April 26, 2014 I think you made a mistake in calling him back immediately after he texted you to say he will talk to you next week. He might genuinely be busy or he might be being passive-aggressive but as others have said you called his bluff by ringing him back straight away as he could have been saying that just to get a reaction from you and you played straight into his hands. I don't really know enough about your relationship to comment on whether I think giving each other space is the answer but I think if one person is busier than the other in a relationship that can cause resentment with the other person playing games which is what it sounds like to me what you're doing.
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