warning signs that someone is a narcissist.

[tlegend]

I agree with you. I'm just really struggling to understand my own feelings about what happened. I don't understand why he did these things to me, or why he treated me like this and blamed me for everything. It's left me feeling so unlovable and undeserving of anyone. It's left me feeling like I'll never be able to find someone who I clicked with, regardless of how he treated me. He promised me so many times that he would never do this to me, like he's done to other people, that I was the one, and it just ended up like this. I was just another notch on his list. It hurts me so much.

 

All I can say to this is this:

 

Your worth and self value is not relevant to how this ******* treated you. Recognize that you are beautiful inside and out, and when you do, you'll notice that you'll attract people who also believe in their own self worth....in a healthy manner.

[white_bass87]

Narcissists don't hide from the spotlight, in fact, they love it. They WANT to be the center of attention.

 

Exactly. Had a friend who was like this, was also a charismatic but sneaky $$hole who thrived on validation whether he knew it or not.

[KatZee]

Exactly. Had a friend who was like this, was also a charismatic but sneaky $$hole who thrived on validation whether he knew it or not.

 

Oh yea. My ex was the same way. Really sneaky. A flat out liar. But in front of everyone else he was a charmer. Everyone really believed he was "Mr. Perfect." Meanwhile I was the only one who really knew him. Who knew what he was like behind closed doors. He never let anyone get close enough to him to see who he really was.

[whirl3daway]

Oh yea. My ex was the same way. Really sneaky. A flat out liar. But in front of everyone else he was a charmer. Everyone really believed he was "Mr. Perfect." Meanwhile I was the only one who really knew him. Who knew what he was like behind closed doors. He never let anyone get close enough to him to see who he really was.

 

this is what my ex is like as well. what is also exhausting is that I was expected to keep up with making him look like the most wonderful person ever, in front of other people.

[KatZee]

this is what my ex is like as well. what is also exhausting is that I was expected to keep up with making him look like the most wonderful person ever, in front of other people.

 

hahahahahahah! I know all about this. These people are seriously the most ridiculous people on the planet.

 

One time my ex actually FORCED me to go somewhere with him even though he knew I was against it (there were personal reasons behind this) but he said, "If you know what's good for you, you'll be ready when I come pick you up." :sick::sick:

 

At this point I was so brainwashed and beaten down that I did go with him, but I was NOT a nice person to him that day.

 

When we got home he said that he was sick of me making him look bad, and having to "make excuses" for me and that's why he wouldn't allow me to skip the event.

 

If I did ANYTHING that showed anyone we weren't some "perfect" couple or that I wasn't doing everything his way, and the way he wanted, he would ice me out for days, ignore me, tell me I put a bad taste in his mouth, couldn't have a girlfriend like me, etc etc.

 

Nothing was EVER his fault. His actions apparently had no consequences. I was apparently unable to have emotions, or feel things after he hurt me. It was always someone else's fault (mainly mine).

[whirl3daway]

Nothing was EVER his fault. His actions apparently had no consequences. I was apparently unable to have emotions, or feel things after he hurt me. It was always someone else's fault (mainly mine).

 

holy f#ck, this is so true. anytime I would have any sort of negative reaction to him telling me things that crushed my soul like he COULDN'T GET HARD BECAUSE OF MY BODY, it was deemed abusive.

 

he made me feel like an invalid - like he was doing me a favor by dating me because I was so horrible to be with. he'd tell me that I was super negative if I told him that I had a long day, or that I was abusive because I told him that he didn't deserve me after he insulted me.

 

I feel like I'm a shell of a human being right now.

[Zahara]

I agree with you. I'm just really struggling to understand my own feelings about what happened. I don't understand why he did these things to me, or why he treated me like this and blamed me for everything. It's left me feeling so unlovable and undeserving of anyone. It's left me feeling like I'll never be able to find someone who I clicked with, regardless of how he treated me. He promised me so many times that he would never do this to me, like he's done to other people, that I was the one, and it just ended up like this. I was just another notch on his list. It hurts me so much.

 

Why did he do the things he did to you? If YOU believe he is a narcissist, then you will understand that being with someone with a personality disorder like narcissism will render you being ill-treated or at least treated in a way that isn't healthy for you. But whether he is or not, with the list that you wrote down, you have to know that he isn't emotionally and mentally wired in a way that could sustain a healthy relationship with you.

 

You even said he has done it to others.

 

He didn't just do it to you. You were not the exception, you were the rule. There is nothing wrong with you. You're loveable. You're valuable. His patterns at some point resurfaced. You nor anyone else can and would have stopped that. He is wired that way. And when he said he would never do what he did to others to you, that should have been a huge red flag for you to bolt. With that, why did you stay and that has to be a question you should be asking yourself. Why? What about you chose to do that? Is it YOU that makes you believe you are unloveable when you make these choices? I don't think it's him. Internally you believe you are unloveable when you choose to make decisions to stay in a bad situation. This is what you feel you are deserving of. "he would tell me all the ways that I am a terrible and ugly human being." Why would you tolerate that? If you loved yourself and truly believed in who you are, you would never allow a man to speak to you that way. He didn't just make you feel unloveable with this relationship, you internally already believed that about yourself long before he came along.

 

I know you feel this way because he's crushed your soul but I promise you that in time you will move from this and start to find worth in yourself again. You have to be willing to start focusing on loving yourself and making strides in finding ways to work on your self-esteem. Being in a toxic relationship can do a number on you and it is harder to detach because at that point you don't even know which way is up. But having been in a couple of really destructive relationships, you will get there. But you have to start doing the work, from the root of your issues.

[pteromom]

Whether or not he is a narcissist isn't even important. The label doesn't matter.

 

Put THIS at the top of your MUST-HAVE list when dating someone:

He accepts me as I am, and respects me as I am. Even my flaws, past mistakes, ways I do things differently, and ways I think differently. Rather than try to change me, or convince me to do things his way, his main goal is to understand me and my point of view

so

we can grow as a couple.

If a guy doesn't check that box, just walk away. Doesn't matter WHY he doesn't check it. He could be a narcissist, immature, insecure, or controlling. Doesn't matter why. NEXT! Hold out for happiness.

[KatZee]

I feel like I'm a shell of a human being right now.

 

Oh yeah. I know exactly how you feel. It's always about them. Their needs, wants, desires, expectations. Everything always revolves around them, even when it doesn't.

 

I remember one night we were on the train coming back from the city, and we both fell asleep. We woke up and someone's drink had spilled and rolled onto us. I had on open toed shoes so I had sticky liquid all over my feet, meanwhile only his backpack got a little wet.

 

Our stop was coming up and I was trying to wipe my feet off because I was actually slipping and he started screaming at me on the train. "GET UP. GET UP AND LETS GO. LETS GO." Like so nastily. Our stop wasn't even up yet and he was just screaming at me in front of everyone on the train, bullying me. I told him that I was trying to get the drink off my feet and shoes and he goes, "IT'S NOT ALL ABOUT YOU!!!"

 

Are you f.king kidding me?

 

I know you feel like a shell now but honestly, NC, NC, NC. You will hate him. You will be angry for a long time. I sat in anger for about 8 months even with very strict NC. Mainly I was just pissed at myself for staying with such a major jerkoff.

 

I'm 2 years post break up now and I can say that I still hate him. I hold grudges so mine for him still burns very bright. I will never ever forgive him for how he treated me.

[white_bass87]

"GET UP. GET UP AND LETS GO. LETS GO."

 

That was the attitude my friend had, although he if ever tried to "force" me to do anything it would be a completely different dynamic and I'll leave it at THAT.

 

I honestly think there is a bit of sociopathic tendency with him, where it was almost as if he would get offended if something didn't go his way. To me it doesn't matter, his friendship means sh*t. All the people who seemed to turn face when the sh*t hit the fan all came in due time.

[tlegend]

Oh yeah. I know exactly how you feel. It's always about them. Their needs, wants, desires, expectations. Everything always revolves around them, even when it doesn't.

 

I remember one night we were on the train coming back from the city, and we both fell asleep. We woke up and someone's drink had spilled and rolled onto us. I had on open toed shoes so I had sticky liquid all over my feet, meanwhile only his backpack got a little wet.

 

Our stop was coming up and I was trying to wipe my feet off because I was actually slipping and he started screaming at me on the train. "GET UP. GET UP AND LETS GO. LETS GO." Like so nastily. Our stop wasn't even up yet and he was just screaming at me in front of everyone on the train, bullying me. I told him that I was trying to get the drink off my feet and shoes and he goes, "IT'S NOT ALL ABOUT YOU!!!"

 

Are you f.king kidding me?

 

I know you feel like a shell now but honestly, NC, NC, NC. You will hate him. You will be angry for a long time. I sat in anger for about 8 months even with very strict NC. Mainly I was just pissed at myself for staying with such a major jerkoff.

 

I'm 2 years post break up now and I can say that I still hate him. I hold grudges so mine for him still burns very bright. I will never ever forgive him for how he treated me.

 

Although I totally understand where you are coming from... I think that forgiveness is powerful and liberating. Even more so that scorning the jackass that showed you what a healthy relationship shouldn't be.

[KatZee]

Although I totally understand where you are coming from... I think that forgiveness is powerful and liberating. Even more so that scorning the jackass that showed you what a healthy relationship shouldn't be.

 

It is liberating, and that's why I forgave myself. I forgave myself for excusing his behaviors, justifying them, staying with him even when I should have left.

 

But him? No. He is not worthy of one iota of my forgiveness.

[Zahara]

"GET UP. GET UP AND LETS GO. LETS GO." Like so nastily. Our stop wasn't even up yet and he was just screaming at me in front of everyone on the train, bullying me. I told him that I was trying to get the drink off my feet and shoes and he goes, "IT'S NOT ALL ABOUT YOU!!!".

 

This brought back a memory. I was in the car with my ex. He couldn't find parking so he said he would drop me off infront of the restaurant and go find parking. When he got to the front of the restaurant, he suddenly shouted, "GET OUT, GET OUT, OUT OF THE CAR!" I was a deer in headlights and quickly started getting my stuff together. I said to him flustered, "Calm down, I'm trying to get my pocketbook, I'm going." And he said, "WELL, GET OUT, GO GO, I DON'T HAVE ALL DAY TO DO THIS." And when he got to the restaurant, he started talking to me like nothing ever happened!

 

I laugh about it now!

[GoreSP]

- my ex always expected me to give him all my attention. he would turn my phone off if I was looking at it, turn the TV off if I was watching it, etc, if he wanted my attention. he would get upset with me even if I did turn it off myself.

- my ex constantly wanted me to tell him that he was my number 1, regardless of how he treated me. he needed me to tell him how wonderful he is, how much I appreciated it, and how handsome he is constantly.

- when I had an issue, or I would cry because of how he treated me, he would shut down completely. he would stare at me and be unable to provide any empathy.

- he would tell me about how all his exes want him back because he is the best boyfriend ever. he told me how he never has been broken up with and never would be because he's the most wonderful boyfriend anyone has ever had.

- he made fun of his family, my friends, random people on the street for not being more like him. he berates people for what they eat, how they look, the things they say. he made fun of his sister for gaining weight, his mother for getting gastric bypass surgery, etc.

- he told me that he liked to do nice things for me because he wanted me to think he's a good boyfriend, not because he loved me or wanted me to be happy (specific words).

- he was extremely sensitive to rejection of any form. his feelings were hurt by anything I said that was less than complementary.

- he showed me off to people: "this is my gf. she's super intelligent and an atheist. she is super hardworking". not like he was proud of me, but like it was somehow making him seem more important.

- he is very charming and funny, but when you get to know him, the inside is pretty emotionally empty.

- he talked about how my exes should envy him because he is so much better than them.

- he is obsessed with the idea of the "perfect" love. he runs away at the slightest hint of a problem in any relationship and has in every single relationship he's been in.

- he would often tell me things like: "your body doesn't arouse me. I can't get hard looking at you, so I don't love you."

- he thinks anyone that wears cologne is a douchebag, and he's better than them.

- he thinks that anyone who believes in god is an idiot, and that he's better than them.

- he would alternate between loving me and being a cold, emotional robot in a matter of hours.

- he never wanted to go be social with me because it's what I wanted him to do, and he wanted to sit and play video games instead, and blamed it on social anxiety.

- he quit doing his phD and has been floating aimlessly in the job world for the past 3 years, barely working PT, and had been living at home the whole time til we met. he still doesn't know what he wants to do.

- he's quick to anger and emotional abuse, but projects it onto other people saying it's their fault.

- he has incredibly fragile self esteem, and anything that is less than a compliment is grounds for: "f#ck you! I don't love you! you're ugly!"

- when we broke up, he gave me a BOOK about stoic philosophy and said that I need to find inner happiness through it.

- he believes that he is very, very attractive and that people should be lucky to have him (he is quite attractive, but no means the best looking man ever).

- has never had a relationship last more than 1 year at a time.

- when he gets upset about something, or anxious, he becomes an emotionless robot and plays video games for days at a time. then he becomes depressed that he did that, and does it again.

- he doesn't communicate except when he's "fed up".

- he has a hot temper and cannot see anyone else's side of the argument except for himself.

- he would tell me all the ways that I am a terrible and ugly human being.

- he is always out to "win" every argument or situation.

- we would only do what he wanted to do.

- we never went out because he hated going out to eat.

- his family bends over to please him and fawns over him and his own mother is afraid to talk to him about anything because she doesn't want to upset him and get his wrath.

- he has a tendency of: put on pedestal, devalue, discard. in every relationship.

- he chooses women that have lower self esteem (and brags about it).

- I could really go on and on.

 

 

Yeah but if you truly knew what NPD was, you would have posted correct signs in your first post.

 

I get your exes may be *******s, and I will not argue with that but there is no need to stick a mental illness to it.

Some people are just *******s and can't blame it on mental illness.....

lol

[KatZee]

This brought back a memory. I was in the car with my ex. He couldn't find parking so he said he would drop me off infront of the restaurant and go find parking. When he got to the front of the restaurant, he suddenly shouted, "GET OUT, GET OUT, OUT OF THE CAR!" I was a deer in headlights and quickly started getting my stuff together. I said to him flustered, "Calm down, I'm trying to get my pocketbook, I'm going." And he said, "WELL, GET OUT, GO GO, I DON'T HAVE ALL DAY TO DO THIS." And when he got to the restaurant, he started talking to me like nothing ever happened!

 

I laugh about it now!

 

Ugh!!! YES!!! After that debacle on the train we got to his car, he drove me home, walked me to my door and was smiling at me and trying to kiss me goodnight and be sweet and went "I had a great night :)"

 

Meanwhile I was REELING and in shock that this had just happened. It's like a complete mind-f.uck!!!

[Ninjainpajamas]

It's a waste of time trying to diagnose these men, I see labels being thrown around all the time on this forum, and sometimes I wonder how they feel so confident in their diagnosis just because they've looked some information up on the internet.

 

He could be NPD and he could not be, fact of the matter IMO is that men treat you often how you allow yourself to be treated, if you don't allow the treatment it simply won't happen because you won't simply be around anymore, and that's the only realistic solution.

 

I've seen men treat one woman like dirt and another one with much more respect and apprehension because he knows she had a different expectation of what she would allow, many people don't respect all people on the same level. And what people don't realize it works with the same sex as well, men often treat other men with more respect than they do women because they know men won't stand for it, but I've been around men plenty of times to know that they pick on the weak, and they will test you to see if you're weak...if you show them you're not to be messed around with 9 times out of 10 they back off and get the message, the other 1 time left over you might need to make a point as to why they're messing with the wrong guy, but it still happens with men...this is not exclusive to just how men treat women.

 

People have issues, will always have them, you are accomplishing nothing by obsessing over their issues, as long as there are women going around being with men that treat them like crap these men will continue to act out in ways that repress them...it's quite simple.

 

Your insecurities, your self-esteem or self-doubt, your ability to stick around and take abuse and expect things to change is your failure to take care of yourself, because without your own issues, you're just not going to allow that behavior and you won't be triggered by that kind of relationship...and you say your dad is narcissistic.......well, there you go, there's your big clue.

 

Understand yourself rather than other people and you will become infinitely more knowledge and realize why you were drawn to that behavior and kind of relationship dynamic. Trying to understand a romantic partner or past relationship by analyzing the other person to death, will not provide you with any answers for yourself. In fact your overwhelming desire to do is, is likely a factor that kept you around that relationship, after all, if you can fix him maybe you can fix your father and yourself, but that's not the right order or frame of thinking, you're looking at it backwards.

[Zahara]

Ugh!!! YES!!! After that debacle on the train we got to his car, he drove me home, walked me to my door and was smiling at me and trying to kiss me goodnight and be sweet and went "I had a great night :)"

 

Meanwhile I was REELING and in shock that this had just happened. It's like a complete mind-f.uck!!!

 

I know! I couldn't say a word to him all through dinner because I was shocked and upset but he was all happy and stuffing his face with food! And at the end of dinner he asked me what was wrong and I mentioned what he did and he said, "It's not personal, I'm sorry you're upset for no reason." Not I am sorry I acted like an asswipe!

[KatZee]

We need to round up all these schmo's and put them on some island in the middle of no where. They'll all just blow so much smoke up each other's asses that hopefully they'd explode.

[whirl3daway]

the loveshack anti-narc island lol